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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex & girlfriend

94 replies

Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:00

I’m new here but I’ve been warned that nobody likes a SM or new partner which I hope isn’t the case…
My Ex of 7 ish years has had various GF over the years as have I with BF none of which have met our child. My Ex has now been in a relationship for 18M which I consider to be serious, she’s very kind & I do not dislike her at all however she doesn’t have children which isn’t a major issue but they are moving in together & I’m bit concerned as I don’t think she has prepared herself for the fact that we co parent. He’s a great Dad, always there but I’m concerned that he hasn’t been honest with her & as much as I think she’s great for him I worry that she’s not prepared for what’s to come. She’s met our DD & see’s her on weekends but don’t think she understands what she’s getting herself into..AIBU to tell my ex that he needs to do a months test run once they move in or leave it for him to deal with

OP posts:
nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 11:39

Of her very own

Punkyspunky · 07/04/2023 11:41

It really is nothing to do with you. How can you talking to her make any difference? You will just come across as jealous and interfering. What happens at their house is their business. If she looks after your daughter when she is at their house, is between her and your ex.
You are overthinking it and ignoring advice. No point asking a question on MN and then not taking it.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 11:44

I'm surprised by the hostility here. If they're already on speaking terms, I don't see anything wrong with casually saying don't let him take the piss.

memesndmoreme · 07/04/2023 11:46

Why did you make this thread OP, your clearly not listening to a thing people are telling you.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2023 11:46

No it isnt up to you. They need to work it out themselves. I think you are expecting a lot from somebody who isn't her parent. Are you afraid your ex will want to do less. This is an understandable fear. And maybe they will have a child of their own.

FlowersAndBonnets · 07/04/2023 11:47

YABVU. It’s absolutely none of your business.

matis · 07/04/2023 11:48

You would be totally overstepping the mark to do any of the things you're suggesting. It's none of your business. Beak out.

monsteramunch · 07/04/2023 11:51

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 11:44

I'm surprised by the hostility here. If they're already on speaking terms, I don't see anything wrong with casually saying don't let him take the piss.

You don't think that's undermining him and implying he's a bit of a dick? She says they're on great terms and he's a good dad. He'll be quite fairly pissed off when he hears she said that to his girlfriend.

If another grown woman said to me, a grown woman, that I was allowed to say no to my partner if I wanted to... I would feel incredibly patronised and think it was absolutely bizarre.

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 11:52

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 11:44

I'm surprised by the hostility here. If they're already on speaking terms, I don't see anything wrong with casually saying don't let him take the piss.

Are you serious?

I'm sure the new GF can make up her own mind, why would she need OP to tell her?

She's not been in a relationship with this guy for seven years, why would she be offering relationship advice to the new GF, who I'm sure knows him better (in terms of relationship priorities) than the OP!

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 11:53

@monsteramunch I suppose it depends how it's said. As a serious warning - yes it would be odd. But as a casual comment between people who are already on chatting terms? I wouldn't think much of it.

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 11:55

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 11:53

@monsteramunch I suppose it depends how it's said. As a serious warning - yes it would be odd. But as a casual comment between people who are already on chatting terms? I wouldn't think much of it.

Really? I'd think mind your own fucking business!

It would make me very wary of other ways the OP may try to patronise and interfere.

It's like saying "I know him better than you"

She doesn't it's been 7 years.

Felixss · 07/04/2023 12:00

Mind your own business keep everything friendly and civil. What he does in his contact time is his business, it's her decision to make she's a grown woman. Focus on your own life.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 12:03

@nomoremerlot If I had a reason to dislike OP or think she was literally telling me what to do rather than just offering well meant advice, I might, but if all of my interactions with her had been positive and friendly, I'd probably be mildly heartened by her basically saying I shouldn't feel like I have to do anything - much better than the opposite which seems more common from exes.

Iceicebabytoocold · 07/04/2023 12:04

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 11:20

I think I will just have a chat with her prior & let her know that it’s not something I expect from her & that she should not be worried about saying no then will leave them to it. My daughter will probably say who was looking after her anyway so if I feel he’s taking the p then I will discuss it with him as & when it comes up.

Don’t do this, it is not your place. You need to back off and leave them to it.

you are speculating far too much to the point you sound controlling.

Iceicebabytoocold · 07/04/2023 12:06

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 11:44

I'm surprised by the hostility here. If they're already on speaking terms, I don't see anything wrong with casually saying don't let him take the piss.

OP has fuck all say in the relationship between her ex and his new partner.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 07/04/2023 12:06

Not your circus!

You may well be right but he will have to discover this himself. I can understand why you are concerned because your DD is likely to be affected. But you can just be on hand giving your daughter love and support if things are unsettled at her Dad’s house.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 12:10

OP has fuck all say in the relationship between her ex and his new partner.

Believe me, I know, I'm an outspoken SM, I'm not on the side of exes having a say over anything. I guess I just didn't read this particular situation as having a say in the situation as opposed to just having a friendly conversation between two women that apparently already get along well.

I think it entirely depends how you envision this conversation.

DoristheDuchess · 07/04/2023 12:12

I might be looking at this from a different angle but your posts read to me that deep down you're concerned that the coparent setup you've had before may be at risk. You seem to say 'this is the way it is' but actually with her being his live in partner the setup may have to change and adapt, over which you won't have any control.

If they go on to have children then it most certainly will change.

I think deep down you're dealing with a loss of control and that's unsettling for you.

memesndmoreme · 07/04/2023 12:19

DoristheDuchess · 07/04/2023 12:12

I might be looking at this from a different angle but your posts read to me that deep down you're concerned that the coparent setup you've had before may be at risk. You seem to say 'this is the way it is' but actually with her being his live in partner the setup may have to change and adapt, over which you won't have any control.

If they go on to have children then it most certainly will change.

I think deep down you're dealing with a loss of control and that's unsettling for you.

If they have children of their own I cam see the OP sticking her beak in telling her how to parent 🤣🤣 This honestly cannot be real or a reverse.

Aprilx · 07/04/2023 12:40

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 11:20

I think I will just have a chat with her prior & let her know that it’s not something I expect from her & that she should not be worried about saying no then will leave them to it. My daughter will probably say who was looking after her anyway so if I feel he’s taking the p then I will discuss it with him as & when it comes up.

You really do sound insufferable, incredibly patronising. She has a brain of her own, she knows what she is getting into.

CheersForThatEh · 07/04/2023 12:49

Would it be feasible to do a few days out with her and DD and let her know you acknowledge the awkwardness and respect her as a girlfriend and have no expectation whatsoever of her parenting?

The only thing I can see though is if you and she dig in, will his mum always take them?

If she is going to set up shop with someone who intends to palm the kids off to her....well...that's her lookout really.

All you can do is keep having honest conversations with your daughter that you are her mum, he is her dad, sometimes people have new relationships but noone will replace mum or dad or be expected to act like one but she should be kind to them like they would any of mummy and daddies other friends and speak up if they are ever worried. Sometimes these friends might be around for a long time and that that is up to the grown ups.

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 07/04/2023 12:51

You sound like you want to mark 'your' territory.

You have no say in this at all.

If you have problems with his parenting, go to him, she is nothing to do with you at all.

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 13:01

user1473878824 · 07/04/2023 11:34

what sort of test run did you do before becoming a parent, OP?

She’s not becoming a parent though is she

OP posts:
Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 13:05

Giraffe888 · 07/04/2023 11:36

How do you know that she doesn’t know what she’s taking on? You don’t know what sort of conversations her and your ex have had!

I think you’re massively sticking your nose in

Well actually I do have some knowledge as my ex asks me for advice on things for example the discussion of finances concerning division of bills etc between them which I gave him advice on

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 07/04/2023 13:05

It's obviously unreasonable to 'tell' your ex anything in this situation, as many people have pointed out.
But you're being treated a bit unsympathetically here (it's AIBU after all).
Many people would have some concern and with that in mind I don't see why you couldn't have a general amiable conversation with Ex - just him - wishing him well on moving in together with his new partner, she's great and DD loves her. You hope it's not going to be too much of a shock for her having DD around 50 percent of the time (or whatever it is).
Keep it very light! And butt out if it's not going that well. You've mentioned your concern in passing but you're not making a big thing of it.

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