Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex & girlfriend

94 replies

Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:00

I’m new here but I’ve been warned that nobody likes a SM or new partner which I hope isn’t the case…
My Ex of 7 ish years has had various GF over the years as have I with BF none of which have met our child. My Ex has now been in a relationship for 18M which I consider to be serious, she’s very kind & I do not dislike her at all however she doesn’t have children which isn’t a major issue but they are moving in together & I’m bit concerned as I don’t think she has prepared herself for the fact that we co parent. He’s a great Dad, always there but I’m concerned that he hasn’t been honest with her & as much as I think she’s great for him I worry that she’s not prepared for what’s to come. She’s met our DD & see’s her on weekends but don’t think she understands what she’s getting herself into..AIBU to tell my ex that he needs to do a months test run once they move in or leave it for him to deal with

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 06/04/2023 23:56

Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:44

I don’t expect her to do anything but invariably she will & I don’t want her to feel that’s her responsibility or ‘job’ & don’t want her to feel obligated or that’s normal & I expect it but no doubt it will happen

Show quote history

Well she's not obligated and none of those things are her job but that's up to the child's father to make clear to her.

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 00:00

ThinWomansBrain · 06/04/2023 23:54

I don’t want my DD to go to her home with them & then if it doesn’t work out for them with the commitment she’s gone

some relationships work, others don't. Yours didn't
you can't prevent your ex from ever having another relationship in case it doesn't work out.
DD will still have two parents.

Very true, never thought of it like that. I just don’t want her to feel that my DD is her responsibility. Typically men seem to leave the d2d care to women but I don’t want her to feel she’s obligated by being with a man with a child that’s all

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 07/04/2023 00:00

I don’t want my DD to go to her home with them & then if it doesn’t work out for them with the commitment she’s gone

Hold on, you and her father are actual parents and aren't together but you're concerned in case he splits with his gf?

MrsDoylesDoily · 07/04/2023 00:01

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 00:00

Very true, never thought of it like that. I just don’t want her to feel that my DD is her responsibility. Typically men seem to leave the d2d care to women but I don’t want her to feel she’s obligated by being with a man with a child that’s all

Show quote history

You can't manage or control this.

Just make sure you tell her the next time you see her that she's not obligated to try and parent your child.

Dontbelieveaword · 07/04/2023 00:05

Reverse?

Feemie · 07/04/2023 00:19

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 00:00

Very true, never thought of it like that. I just don’t want her to feel that my DD is her responsibility. Typically men seem to leave the d2d care to women but I don’t want her to feel she’s obligated by being with a man with a child that’s all

Show quote history

This is quite mad. Your ex will be doing the parenting. Why would his girlfriend be taking time off for inset days or your child’s sickness? Do you actually think he’s planning to delegate these bits of parenting?

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 10:10

Feemie · 07/04/2023 00:19

This is quite mad. Your ex will be doing the parenting. Why would his girlfriend be taking time off for inset days or your child’s sickness? Do you actually think he’s planning to delegate these bits of parenting?

Show quote history

He does them now but his GF works from home & is self employed so I can see this fast becoming a responsible that is slowly given to her. Whenever illness/inset days & recently strikes have come up he more often than not calls me to see if I can cover it instead of him & more often some sort of grumble if I can’t & then his Mum usually steps in

OP posts:
Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 10:15

NewNameNigel · 07/04/2023 00:00

I don’t want my DD to go to her home with them & then if it doesn’t work out for them with the commitment she’s gone

Hold on, you and her father are actual parents and aren't together but you're concerned in case he splits with his gf?

Yes, she’s already had the separation of her parents I don’t want her to get close to her DD’s GF & then for her to leave. I know it’s my ex’s relationship & down to him to ensure it doesn’t happen but I want her to be sure she understands what she’s getting herself into

OP posts:
Aprilx · 07/04/2023 10:16

Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:11

To be clear I don’t mean I’m ‘testing’ her, absolutely not. What I mean is that I don’t want my DD to go to her home with them & then if it doesn’t work out for them with the commitment she’s gone. She’s a really lovely woman & my DD likes her very much, what I meant (should have said) is maybe wean her in gently.

He is her parent too and if he wants to have his child in his own house then that is up to him. I am struggling to see what the issue is anyway if she is nice and your daughter likes her. You need to let him go.

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 10:22

Aprilx · 07/04/2023 10:16

He is her parent too and if he wants to have his child in his own house then that is up to him. I am struggling to see what the issue is anyway if she is nice and your daughter likes her. You need to let him go.

Show quote history

It’s not about letting him go that shipped sailed years ago but we get on well & effectively co-parent which I understand is complicated alien concept to some women but that’s how it is, it needs to be whilst she’s young it will continue that way. I just don’t think she’s prepared & as she is so lovely I’d like her to stay.

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 07/04/2023 10:28

I don’t want her to get close to her DD’s GF & then for her to leave. I know it’s my ex’s relationship & down to him to ensure it doesn’t happen

I just don’t think she’s prepared & as she is so lovely I’d like her to stay.

More I read, the more I think you're actually the GF

memesndmoreme · 07/04/2023 10:28

None of your business. Leave to them to enjoy the next journey of their relationship together and but out. I'm sure the gf is a big girl and van navigate her own relationship, whether or not she wants to help with day to day is up to her and her partner. Not you.

monsteramunch · 07/04/2023 10:29

Realistically OP, you having a word with her is going to do more harm than good.

She's a grown woman who is well aware he has a child.

The reality of day to day life living with a child is something someone can't know until they do it. You explaining it to her will come across as patronising and tbh, controlling.

Also he will likely have told her she won't be doing the stuff you think she will (emergency pick ups etc) and because he's a good dad as you say, she will have believed that. And it may well be true!

So you essentially saying to her that she will end up doing those things is saying your ex is lying / not actually as responsible a parent as he seems etc.

No good can come of this OP, it's massively overstepping.

Feemie · 07/04/2023 10:32

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 10:10

He does them now but his GF works from home & is self employed so I can see this fast becoming a responsible that is slowly given to her. Whenever illness/inset days & recently strikes have come up he more often than not calls me to see if I can cover it instead of him & more often some sort of grumble if I can’t & then his Mum usually steps in

Show quote history

You’re doing an awful lot of gendered projecting here, as though the girlfriend is inevitably going to end up as another co-parent to your DD. Obviously if an unexpected illness/inset day happens that he can’t cover, he consults with you as his child’s other parent, and, failing that, his child’s grandparent. His girlfriend has no connection to and no responsibility for your DD.

Perhaps his nice girlfriend has made it politely clear that she won’t be doing any of the parenting gruntwork?

Some of the best, most stable longterm ‘step-parent’ situations I know are those where there’s a very clear demarcation between actual parents and parents’ partners, who don’t have any parenting role. A friend recently moved in his girlfriend of a year and a half with him and his young sons. It’s working well, in part because she’s been very clear that she’s not in any sense like a parent, or a source of lifts, pocket money, designator of chores etc. They get on well, but she’s their dad’s girlfriend. They have a mum.

coeurnoir · 07/04/2023 10:38

she doesn’t do pick ups/drop offs sickness, inset days, school holidays

Why would she? My husband isn't my children's father and while he's carved a lovely role out for himself over the last 14 years, their actual parenting is the responsibility of me and their father.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 11:03

So your issue is that you think your ex is going to be an unreasonable partner to her and push his responsibilities onto her? If you have a friendly relationship with him you could caution him not to do that, though you can't really make any actual demands. Or you could attempt to strike up a friendship with her and empower her not to take on more than she should have to herself.

I think the sentiment is potentially quite commendable here, but you're not in a position to influence much.

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 11:20

I think I will just have a chat with her prior & let her know that it’s not something I expect from her & that she should not be worried about saying no then will leave them to it. My daughter will probably say who was looking after her anyway so if I feel he’s taking the p then I will discuss it with him as & when it comes up.

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 07/04/2023 11:28

ODFOD

Did you and your Ex wean yourself into being parents? I'm assuming before you gave birth you maybe hired a sick child for a few hours a week here and there to practice dealing with vomit and crying? Did you do school runs for the neighbourhood children and then take them to Scouts and gym class so you could "really know" what it's really like? How long did someone else decide you needed to do all these things for before they decided you actually "knew"? Or did you just decide that the two of you and a child all sharing a house together was the next step in your relationship?

You are being utterly fucking ridiculous. Big time. He's a grown man and she's nice. Not your place to get involved.

Feemie · 07/04/2023 11:31

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 11:20

I think I will just have a chat with her prior & let her know that it’s not something I expect from her & that she should not be worried about saying no then will leave them to it. My daughter will probably say who was looking after her anyway so if I feel he’s taking the p then I will discuss it with him as & when it comes up.

With respect, OP, your expectations are irrelevant here, and you would be overstepping the mark, even if your intentions are good. This is something for her and your ex to work out between them.

memesndmoreme · 07/04/2023 11:33

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 11:20

I think I will just have a chat with her prior & let her know that it’s not something I expect from her & that she should not be worried about saying no then will leave them to it. My daughter will probably say who was looking after her anyway so if I feel he’s taking the p then I will discuss it with him as & when it comes up.

Don't do this, you will be sticking your beak and I probably ruining any future amicability with his partner. If he's taking the piss with her it's not your business. It's their relationship and the dynamics have nothing at all do to with you. As long is your daughter is safe and looked after nothing else concerns you. You seem overly involved in their relationship and frankly starting to sound jealous that he is moving on.

user1473878824 · 07/04/2023 11:34

what sort of test run did you do before becoming a parent, OP?

monsteramunch · 07/04/2023 11:35

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 11:20

I think I will just have a chat with her prior & let her know that it’s not something I expect from her & that she should not be worried about saying no then will leave them to it. My daughter will probably say who was looking after her anyway so if I feel he’s taking the p then I will discuss it with him as & when it comes up.

You're hugely undermining your ex by implying he'll ask her for things that aren't reasonable and you're massively patronising her (an adult woman) by telling her she can say no if she doesn't want to do something.

Hugely overstepping, despite everyone on the thread warning you so.

WunWun · 07/04/2023 11:36

Why on earth would she think you expect anything from her?

Giraffe888 · 07/04/2023 11:36

How do you know that she doesn’t know what she’s taking on? You don’t know what sort of conversations her and your ex have had!

I think you’re massively sticking your nose in

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 11:37

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 11:20

I think I will just have a chat with her prior & let her know that it’s not something I expect from her & that she should not be worried about saying no then will leave them to it. My daughter will probably say who was looking after her anyway so if I feel he’s taking the p then I will discuss it with him as & when it comes up.

She doesn't need you to tell her what you do or don't expect, she had a mind all of heart very own to decide that!