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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS22 sleeps until late afternoon, stays in bed on his phone, no uni and no job

81 replies

belgianchocolat · 06/04/2023 16:56

DS is 22. He was in his fourth year at uni (living at home) studying for an integrated masters science degree, but he suspended his studies after Christmas as he hadn't been able to keep up with his research project because, in his words, he "wasn't in the right frame of mind".

His sleeping patterns haven't been great since he was about 15, he used to be incredibly difficult to get up in time for school. There was no bus to school so I had to drop him and his sister off each morning and he often made them both late which was very stressful and unfair for me and his sister. He is a very deep sleeper and can easily sleep through alarms, prompts from me etc. If he has decided he's not getting up, he won't get up.

However in the last year and particularly the last 6 months his sleeping pattern has become even worse. There have been occasions recently where I have got up for the day just after 6am and he's been in the bathroom brushing his teeth about to go to bed. He would then sleep all day until maybe 6.30pm, wake up when it was already dark outside, lie in his bed scrolling on his phone for another hour, then have a shower and get dressed. He may not come downstairs until after 8pm, when the rest of the household is thinking towards bedtime. This is the worst scenario but even today he was asleep until 3.30pm and is still in bed on his phone, blinds closed, now.

When he withdrew from uni I told him he needed to get a job, and with reminders/persuasion he began applying for jobs in retail and hospitality. He has been invited for a couple of interviews and he has told them he's coming, but then at the last minute doesn't attend. So he now has no uni and no job. Even if he did have a job I don't know how he'd be able to do it because he sleeps at such antisocial hours.

He was seeing a counsellor from about September last year until Christmas, but since then has decided he is taking a break from that until he "sorts himself out". Needless to say I think the point of him going to counselling is because he can't sort himself out on his own!

He doesn't have any friends to speak of and can't get to the GP because even if he could find the motivation and organise himself to ask for an appointment, you have to ring the surgery at 8.30am often up to 200 times (I wish I was exaggerating) and of course he's never awake then. I also don't know if he'd be able to see there could be a problem requiring help from a doctor.

I don't know what to do with him anymore. He doesn't seem to see what the big deal is, yet at the same time hates that he misses out on life and this sends him deeper into a spiral. He's 22 so I can't fix it for him, but it's so hard seeing him waste his life and it's affecting the mood of others in the house.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 06/04/2023 16:59

any cannabis use? there isn't always, but when it is there, it can make these situations even more extreme

Original poster
belgianchocolat · 06/04/2023 17:03

No, definitely no drug use.

OP posts:
Stripycatz · 06/04/2023 17:03

I'd give him the time and the space for now. Keep communications positive, but don't fund anything other than the basics.

Rhondaa · 06/04/2023 17:03

This sounds awful op. He's either clinically depressed or incredibly lazy.

You need to get tough, stop enabling it. Give him him house rules if he won't comply tell him to move out. What does he live on if he doesn't have a job? If it's handouts stop giving him any. He has to get off his arse and get a job.

If he is clinically depressed then he needs pushing to be seen, ring and make an appointment for him then take him yourself if needs be. I'm sorry, it sounds harsh but whether he's lazy or depressed urgent action is required.

Soontobe60 · 06/04/2023 17:05

He sounds like hes suffering from depression. It’s going to be tough for him to get help because he just doesn’t have the motivation.
Id be ringing the GP myself to get him an appointment - he doesn’t need to do it. Then I’d move heaven and earth to get him there.
on a practical front, I’d be turning off the wifi at night, so he can’t be spending hours online. I’d also not be paying for anything for him. He needs help from his GP and tough love from you.

HazyDragon · 06/04/2023 17:05

How is he supporting himself? Is he signing on?

If he won't go to the doctors, then he has to get a job or go back into education.

Stripycatz · 06/04/2023 17:06

Rhondaa · 06/04/2023 17:03

This sounds awful op. He's either clinically depressed or incredibly lazy.

You need to get tough, stop enabling it. Give him him house rules if he won't comply tell him to move out. What does he live on if he doesn't have a job? If it's handouts stop giving him any. He has to get off his arse and get a job.

If he is clinically depressed then he needs pushing to be seen, ring and make an appointment for him then take him yourself if needs be. I'm sorry, it sounds harsh but whether he's lazy or depressed urgent action is required.

These kind of posts infuriate me. Whose going to kick their child out in to the street when they're struggling at life. Would you actually do that?

CupEmpty · 06/04/2023 17:09

Who’s paying for his phone? If it’s you turn the Wi-Fi off and use the phone as a negotiator?

Rhondaa · 06/04/2023 17:09

'Whose going to kick their child out in to the street when they're struggling at life. Would you actually do that?'

As I said if he is depressed he needs proactive support but if he's lazy he needs tough love and pushing. We don't know do we on the basis of one post.

pippi123 · 06/04/2023 17:16

If he is doing integrated masters could he graduate with a bachelor’s degree now? It might help him with job hunting but I suppose won’t help him actually get to the interview but if he can then apply for jobs relevant to his degree he might feel more motivated.

Stripycatz · 06/04/2023 17:16

Rhondaa · 06/04/2023 17:09

'Whose going to kick their child out in to the street when they're struggling at life. Would you actually do that?'

As I said if he is depressed he needs proactive support but if he's lazy he needs tough love and pushing. We don't know do we on the basis of one post.

He's made it all the way to the 4th year of Uni then decided to be lazy?
Sounds like he's been struggling all along. There are many reasons why life might be more of a challenge for him. He needs time, space and support to figure it all out.
You can't make a GP appointment for another adult, or force them to attend it.

Sensibletrousers · 06/04/2023 17:18

Can he look for night shift jobs? Seems the perfect solution?

YellowGreenBlue · 06/04/2023 17:24

Has he got the option of graduating now with a degree? I would expect a masters course to mean that he has a BSc after three years, even if he never completes the fourth year. If he has a science degree, why is he applying for jobs in retail and hospitality? Maybe he would be more motivated to look for a job if it was something more related to his skills and interests?

Jadviga · 06/04/2023 17:27

I have a family member like this. He's 30 years old, no work experience, no education, he's spent the last 12 years gaming at his parents' house.

I wish his parents had taken a harder stance with him. His life is wasting away.

OP, your son needs to start therapy again, that should be non-negotiable. See if he can get any additional help/support for his mental health. Turn off the wi-fi at night as someone else suggested. Do not do his laundry or clean his room - he needs to do that, and allowing him to check out of life may feel caring but will ultimately do him a disservice.

Try and talk to him about what the problem is, though he may not be able to put it into words or want to share it with family members.

Maybe try to give him things to do inside the house - start small and build up.

He could also look for jobs that work within the parameters of his unsociable hours (night guardian for instance) but that may not work as the night hours are a symptom, not a cause, of his problems.

Above all remember that enabling him to just carry on as he is will not help him long term.

Sodd · 06/04/2023 17:33

In your shoes I’d do the following ..

it’s your house, you have rules and he doesn’t get to do nothing.

book a GP appointment for him and help him prepare what he needs to say beforehand in written bullet points. He also needs to ask for blood tests to check vitamin levels. Iron, D3, B12 and so on. If he struggles to build relationships, does he need an assessment for Autism?

sit him down and explain about body rhythms, good bedtime routine hygiene,

insist he rebooks the counselling, even if it’s fortnightly. Ensure he has access to help lines. Ask him if he’s been self harming or feeling suicidal. Support him to take a depression questionnaire.

help him locate some voluntary work, somewhere he can use his skills and feel like he’s making a valuable contribution to society and building his confidence.

support him to some research with him about interview techniques and answering questions. Then book to see a professional careers adviser. Help him look forwards.

does he have interests he could build upon? Dungeons and dragons? Anything geeky?

exercise and light. Walk or cycle for an hour together after work daily. He needs to be wearing himself out and getting enough sunlight to sleep.

ensure he eats meals with family and spends some time out of his room. Watch some film or series together. insist he cooks/cleans/mows the lawns/takes the bins out/walks the dog.

LakeTiticaca · 06/04/2023 17:33

Pull the financial plug and see how fast he remembers how to get his arse out of bed

Sherunsfar · 06/04/2023 17:33

Please act now to help him. It sounds as though he is very depressed. My poor mother has spent the past twenty years with my step dads son sponging off them, sleeping all day, not working or studying, smoking weed and stinking the house out, being rude and physically aggressive. You don't want to end up like that.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 06/04/2023 17:36

His sleeping pattern may actually be a sleep disorder called "Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome". I have this and have been managing it my entire adult life. It's treatable with behavioral adjustments (though he'll likely always be a Night Owl). It doesn't have to interfere with a normal life. As for the rest...

Try sitting down with him and being firm that he really needs to go back to seeing a therapist. And insist that he get some type of job. A second shift job would actually be perfect for him as it wouldn't require he be up at 6:00 am but would also require that he go to bed before 3:00 am. He needs some type of schedule.

Sodd · 06/04/2023 17:37

If he’s very low you’ll need to help him take small manageable steps forward

RheneasAndSkarloey · 06/04/2023 17:38

My son is the same. He's autistic and burnout at sixth form. We are a year in now, and whilst his sleeping patterns are poor he has started going out a bit more and even applied for a volunteer role. In our case it's very much been a case of slowly slowly and minimal expectations.

MMMarmite · 06/04/2023 17:41

I'd consider making him leave. It seems you're enabling him to make really unhealthy life choices.

ParagraphOne · 06/04/2023 17:42

Turn off the WiFi, don't pay for his phone. He needs to work, he's an adult and it will help his mental state.

Rhondaa · 06/04/2023 17:50

'You can't make a GP appointment for another adult, or force them to attend it'

You absolutely can make an appointment to see a gp for another adult, of course you can't force them to attend but if I was his parent I'd say appointment made I'll take you either see a gp or get a job. Honestly this family needs to have some open supportive conversations it's like they're all just hoping the situation will magically fix itself.

Maray1967 · 06/04/2023 18:00

pippi123 · 06/04/2023 17:16

If he is doing integrated masters could he graduate with a bachelor’s degree now? It might help him with job hunting but I suppose won’t help him actually get to the interview but if he can then apply for jobs relevant to his degree he might feel more motivated.

Univ lecturer here. Might not be possible - some courses place the research project in the fourth year for the 4 year cohort and the student cannot just walk away and graduate with BSc as they have not fulfilled the learning outcomes for BSc even though they have passed 3 years.

Other courses have the 4th year as a
masters level add on and so that could be possible.

2reefsin30knots · 06/04/2023 18:00

Could he do night shifts somewhere if that would suit how he naturally sleeps.

I do agree with PP that you need to stop funding him beyond basic nutrition. How is he paying for things currently?

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