DS22 sleeps until late afternoon, stays in bed on his phone, no uni and no job

[belgianchocolat]

DS is 22. He was in his fourth year at uni (living at home) studying for an integrated masters science degree, but he suspended his studies after Christmas as he hadn't been able to keep up with his research project because, in his words, he "wasn't in the right frame of mind".

His sleeping patterns haven't been great since he was about 15, he used to be incredibly difficult to get up in time for school. There was no bus to school so I had to drop him and his sister off each morning and he often made them both late which was very stressful and unfair for me and his sister. He is a very deep sleeper and can easily sleep through alarms, prompts from me etc. If he has decided he's not getting up, he won't get up.

However in the last year and particularly the last 6 months his sleeping pattern has become even worse. There have been occasions recently where I have got up for the day just after 6am and he's been in the bathroom brushing his teeth about to go to bed. He would then sleep all day until maybe 6.30pm, wake up when it was already dark outside, lie in his bed scrolling on his phone for another hour, then have a shower and get dressed. He may not come downstairs until after 8pm, when the rest of the household is thinking towards bedtime. This is the worst scenario but even today he was asleep until 3.30pm and is still in bed on his phone, blinds closed, now.

When he withdrew from uni I told him he needed to get a job, and with reminders/persuasion he began applying for jobs in retail and hospitality. He has been invited for a couple of interviews and he has told them he's coming, but then at the last minute doesn't attend. So he now has no uni and no job. Even if he did have a job I don't know how he'd be able to do it because he sleeps at such antisocial hours.

He was seeing a counsellor from about September last year until Christmas, but since then has decided he is taking a break from that until he "sorts himself out". Needless to say I think the point of him going to counselling is because he can't sort himself out on his own!

He doesn't have any friends to speak of and can't get to the GP because even if he could find the motivation and organise himself to ask for an appointment, you have to ring the surgery at 8.30am often up to 200 times (I wish I was exaggerating) and of course he's never awake then. I also don't know if he'd be able to see there could be a problem requiring help from a doctor.

I don't know what to do with him anymore. He doesn't seem to see what the big deal is, yet at the same time hates that he misses out on life and this sends him deeper into a spiral. He's 22 so I can't fix it for him, but it's so hard seeing him waste his life and it's affecting the mood of others in the house.

This sounds so difficult

He did a fair few years at university. Not sure what you can do to change his path but sounds very hard

That phone of his. Who pays for it. Stop and he will get a job

rtt! He pays for his own phone.

if he’s depressed cutting off a phone isn’t going to get him up and out, and may cut off the only outlet he has that helps him!

If he has depression, then he needs to help himself.

Ultimately, it's your house and your rules. Make it clear what needs to happen.

Staying in his room all the time and living a very sedate lifestyle is NOT going to help him.

Give him some expectations. e.g.

1. Get up before 10am.
2. Go for two 20 minute walks a day.
3. Plan a meal, shop for the ingredients and cook the meal once a week.
4. Vacuum/dust/clean bathroom

etc...

Then also make sure he books a GP appointment as sleeping so much is NOT normal!

We are going through something a bit similar with DS who made it through A levels and did well but came home after 2 weeks at university. He is struggling with his gender identity which came out of the blue too a few months later.

He is having an ASD assessment later this year, I think it unlikely he won’t come out with a diagnosis. He has started on antidepressants but rather worryingly is currently experiencing mood swings so has agreed to contact GP after Easter. He’s having counselling which had cut down to every other week but he has just increased it back up as felt he needed it weekly again and I am pleased he could recognise this.

His sleep went totally out the window when he increased sertraline. He’s started melatonin which is helping. He does his washing and hoovering and walks the dog a few times a week which I would like him to do daily ideally. He is going to be doing a couple of hours at the local cafe which I am really hoping will be a success and possibly lead to more. He has also started driving lessons which he enjoys.

He usually comes down to watch something with us in the evening and I’m planning to get him cooking. It’s very worrying but we are trying to keep calm and take it one day and step at a time.

@belgianchocolat google autistic burnout. My teenager was late diagnosed and hit burnout before we could stop the years of trauma that masking had caused - we treated it as we would a physical recovery: patience, simple routine, very low demand, comfort, favourite food / activities (dog walks, brunches out), lots of TLC, collaborating with him on deciding goals for him knowing we are on his team, and taking small steps towards those goals. He was off school for a whole term - we gave him that time off to recover. He’s at a new school now, diagnosed and properly supported, and he’s like a new boy. It can be done.

A 9-5 job and social life is a huge leap from where he is now, like the summit of Everest. Discuss with him what he could do to just get to “base camp”, (perhaps a 20 min walk early evening every day, and no tech after 2am), then once he reaches that you set the plan for the next goals. It will take time but you have nothing to lose!