DSD doesn’t want to go to Russia (I don’t blame her)

[CatherineEarnshawsGhost]

Hello,

Just wanted to see what others think about this situation.

DSD (11) has three passports - A European one from her dad (not British, an EU), an Australian one and a Russian one. My DH’s exW is Russian and is planning a trip to visit family in the Urals during the Summer holidays. DSD’s mum is now in the process of renewing their Russian passports as I guess they have both lapsed.

I suppose it’ll be a bit of a rigmarole to get there as they’ll have to fly via Turkey to get to Moscow. When they do get there I think they’d have to rely on cash (Rubles) as western bank cards won’t work and their British phones will probably have to be switched off in advance because when the Russian phone company detects a UK phone number on their network they are likely to become highly suspicious and track that phone (I work in telecoms, this isn’t unfounded paranoia they can do this so probably will).

Now that DSD is aware of the plan she’s voicing the fact that she’s feeling a bit nervous at the prospect of going. Honestly I don’t blame her. DH is also quite worried and would rather they don’t risk it, but doesn’t want to stop his DD from seeing her GPs and GGM who is 89 (I think). Overall DH wants what’s best for his DD so that would probably mean not going to a hostile country which is currently at odds with the west. He’s just needs to diplomatically approach his exW for the best outcome (no idea how he does that so I’ll leave it to him).

AIBU for being a bit nervous about seeing DSD go off to Russia?

Anyone else experienced this (unlikely but just checking)

Thanks!

Blimey, I'd be worried - relations with Russia are so fragile right now, it feels like anything could change at any moment.

Your SD is 11, plenty old enough to say she doesn't want to go. She may be rightly nervous about the political climate, but she might also have no wish to spend time with family she barely knows and will struggle to communicate with.
Are you able to accommodate her for the period her mum will be away? If it's not convenient atm I think you need to adjust your schedules. This will probably not go down well with her mum. This could really upset the status quo and your SD could even end up living with you. Be prepared.

Crazy idea and the mum is mad to take her. I'd be going to court to stop my child going.

The Australian government recommends not travelling to Russia and she has an Australian passport so might be interested in this:
Russia Travel Advice & Safety | Smartraveller

My instinct is to say hell no, absolutely no way. The UK govt website also suggests avoiding all travel to Russia at present. I think it’s your first priority to protect the safety of your dsd, not to think about her extended family’s feelings.

Like fuck would o be letting any child of mine go to Russia at the moment.

Thanks @JudgeRudy

but she might also have no wish to spend time with family she barely knows and will struggle to communicate with.

Actually, she’s a really confident Russian speaker and she’s super tight with her ‘Baba’ and ‘Dede’ (her GM and GD). Even close with her GGM she hasn’t seen as much. And she has cousins she gets on really well with. Before the war she went to Russia most years. She’d be cool with it, were it not for the bloody war!

I'm not sure they the average Russian would see an issue

They're the victims. It's all Russophobia

We've got Russian friends who needed to see relatives back home. They had major concerns about getting back into the UK, so I don't think your concerns are unreasonable. Their compromise was meeting the relatives in Turkey, but given the age you've mentioned maybe the grandparents are unable to fly?

Actually it's "Deda", not "Dede"

If your DH wants to be diplomatic then she should give practical reasons as to why it is not a good idea at the moment. Talk to dsd’s mother about postponing until next year - things could be better then (or worse of course)

I would raise things such as the difficulty with communication whilst she is away ect. One thing I would consider is air transport. Russia is having trouble servicing planes and it is likely flying is not as safe as it normally would be.

I would also remind that dual nationals are not always able to get consular assistance when in a country fir which they hold citizenship. This is a time where there is an increased chance of actually needing consular assistance.

I don't think she's mad, and I don't think anyone has to go to court just yet.

Life is probably completely normal in many parts of Russia. OP's child is also probably safe as a dual national, unless they suddenly decide to cause a diplomatic incident, but children are rarely targeted in those. I would still not let my child go, but I wouldn't be going all OTT straight away, just persuade calmly.

It's not the same at all, but I'm from a very safe East Asian country, and my parents freak out every time they see all the chaos and violence and crime and stuff in the UK (or Western Europe) on the news. They think I'm mental to bring my child here in times like these. All my family friends back home ask about my safety in the UK as well.

Likewise, people from my country regularly travel to China (I'm not from there) yet my British DP is convinced the Chinese government will kidnap and torture him or something if he goes. I think he's flattering himself.

At most get the child to insist she doesn't want to go.

One risk that may seem more salient to the Mum is also the hostile UK border policy. DSD is not British and has no British parents. Though the children who have lived in the UK all their lives, but are turned away upon returning from holiday are usually not white and don't have Eurocentric passports – but she doesn't have to know that.

As a grandparent I wouldn’t want any of my dgc put at risk by visiting me.
Is it possible to use FaceTime, WhatsApp, Skype so the dgp can see her ? I really wouldn’t take the risk of sending her to Russia.

I would be extremely concerned. Russia is a deeply fucked up country. Terrible things are happening to people who do or say the wrong things. There's a piece on the BBC today about a young girl who lived with her father, and she drew an anti war picture at school. Her father is now in prison and she's been sent to live with her estranged mother who she hasn't seen for seven years.

Can you DP do anything to stop this crazy plan?

Thanks @AgrathaChristie - yes I think they do do they a lot. Maybe for the mum know it’s not the same as seeing her in person, which is what she really wants

I've heard anecdotally of various children who used to live primarily with one parent in Russia who now live primarily with their other parent in various European countries. So some parents have evidently prioritised getting their child out of Russia even thought it meant sacrificing living with them.

If this trip does go ahead, please ensure all of DSD's devices and social media are scrubbed clean. Just in case she is detained and checked. Just because most people are fine, doesn't mean everyone will be. If DSD speaks fluent Russian and can pass as Russian that's probably a plus ... but then her fluency in English and her Dad's language might seem suspicious. Who knows which way paranoia could lean.

Why risk it?

War is unpredictable, and things can dramatically worsen from one moment to the next. It may look like a calculated risk, probably okay for DSD ... and then a bomb strays into Russia, or a nuclear facility is breached, and all hell breaks loose.

There is also the ethical dilemma about whether it's okay to help anyone in Russia approximate a normal life while Russia is the blatant aggressor. Your DSD may be feeling shaky about more than safety.

Just some British/ Australians/Americans citizens living in Russia currently and doing their videos from "GULAG". Just try and watch them, instead of mainstream media.
Wandering Emma https://www.youtube.com/@WanderingEmma/videos
Travelling with Russell https://www.youtube.com/@TravellingwithRussell/videos
Expat Americanhttps://www.youtube.com/@expatamerican3234
and lots of others.....

All of them are well and doing good. Please stop scaremongering! your DSD will be absollutely fine, if that was the purpose of your original post, of course.

Yes, apologies, I see that now (I'd not read the whole thread). A war is good enough reason. This trip sounds more about your SDs mum saying 'goodbye' to her grandma. She can do that without SD. Looks like they'll be other opportunities to see the family on neutral ground. As I said, be prepared to take your step daughter in...particularly if mum gets her return 'delayed'....😕

They are holding US and British nationals on spurious charges to make prisoner swaps.
No f’king way.

I think this is actually a personal child arrangements dispute rather than a political one. I think we need an idea of the mother's perspective on Russia personally, is it just a matter of wanting to see her relatives and then she'll be keen to get her DD back to her life in the UK, or is she a risk of missing it and wanting to go back? Russians are not one homogenous group, for every Russian that wants the USSR back and worships Putin, there's another that has left the country out of disgrace for it and would rather die than go back, and then everything in between.

DSD isn't at risk of being detained by Putin the moment she crosses the border or used as a political pawn. I think those with sway in Russia have more on their to-do-lists than kidnapping some random Russian/Australian/Another Country nationality child who grew up in the UK.

Whether I'd be willing to let her go or not all depends of my perception of her mother. Her mother is a Russian citizen, I'm sure she knows what she's doing and DSD will be perfectly safe with her. That is of course, providing the mother does genuinely just want to go back for a visit and isn't blagging you.

Also if DD doesn't want to go anyway then it is all a mute point, if her mum is trying to force her DH needs to put his foot down and speak up for his child, Russia or not.

I’m qurie surprised about exW wanting to take this risk. Is she not worried at all? She needs to go by herself. How old is the child?

Doesn't she have a mother and a farther to “think for her safety”???
Really think it is not your business OP.

Why would they detain a half Russian as political pawn anyway.. 😂