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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

332 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
Northby · 07/04/2023 09:26

Hi OP. See another solicitor. I think the support lasts a few years - not forever.

Monoprix · 07/04/2023 09:27

Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:50

@Mirabai there were several reasons

  1. he threatened to take the children if I left
  2. he threatened to use my evening drinking against me
  3. he threatened to use my “never being there” (ie being out at work many miles away) as evidence of being an unfit mother
  4. my then lawyer told me I would need to prepare myself for the possibility of being in a bedsit, with him and the girls living in the family home and me supporting them financially, if the court decision didn’t go in my favour

the difference now?

  1. the girls are 14 and (almost) 18
  2. I am almost four years sober
  3. I work from home
  4. I could afford a two bed flat for me and my 14 year old, if we sell the family home and split the equity 50:50

Excuse me but how could he prove that you drink in the evenings? Is there video or photographic evidence of it? Because based on that he could claim almost everything about you but if there’s lack of evidence his word is worth jackshit.
Think!
If I were you I would turn this weapon against him and say he is the drinker. What is he going to do about it?

DomPom47 · 07/04/2023 09:31

It’s great that you are taking positive steps to take charge of your life.
If you have access to his phone and laptop etc I would search for those photos and messages and delete them and then make sure you go to the deleted file/trash can and also delete from there too. You do not need want him threatening you with the exposure of these images and messages. Hopefully he wouldn’t be that low as you have kids but I wouldn’t want to take the risk.
Good luck - stay strong and positive 🍀💐

Northby · 07/04/2023 09:31

Also OP he sounds like a total cad and you have done an amazing job - you’ve put up with a lot and managed to get sober. Not a mean feat!! And now you’re setting boundaries. You should be really proud of yourself and how you’re moving forward.

MinnieGirl · 07/04/2023 09:36

Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:43

I don’t keep the pics I send him as I feel so degraded. So I can’t search for them.

Yes I need a therapist who specialises in this stuff. I see that.

Can you access his phone? If so look for the pictures and delete them

Werehalfwaythere · 07/04/2023 09:42

You sound like such a strong person. He'd have made me depressed a long time ago. He must make your skin crawl, it's the sheer lack of respect for you, it must be hard sharing a home with him.

I hope, with circumstances now different, that things are more favourable should you split now.

Keep all of his blackmailing texts, it will be good evidence of coercion, and in my view, sexual exploitation.

It's time you look after yourself.

Stravaig · 07/04/2023 09:42

Echo everyone else about finding a better solicitor and getting rid of him.

I'd also check that none of your nude photos have been uploaded online or otherwise shared - hire a specialist if you have to. If he has done this, it's a crime, so report him to the police. That should take care of any threats regarding custody and spousal support.

GizzardChops · 07/04/2023 09:43

He sounds pathetic. A "reward" for getting garlic bread?!? Disgusting. I really hope you find a way to leave him OP. And have a happy life!

Werehalfwaythere · 07/04/2023 09:44

MinnieGirl · 07/04/2023 09:36

Can you access his phone? If so look for the pictures and delete them

Show quote history

I would get legal advice before deleting. It could be used as evidence.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 07/04/2023 09:46

I don't agree regards the long term maintenance.

I was in almost the exact reverse of your position; myself disabled at home with children, exH in good job, although we rented rather than owned our own home .

I received income related ESA, PIP (then DLA), child tax credits, housing benefit and council tax benefit. I was awarded spousal maintenance of £1 PER YEAR. The only reason I received that was because if his income increased hugely in the future, I could apply for a variation of the order rather than having to apply from scratch. I too am disabled to the extent I will never am able to work again.

PP's are correct in that spousal maintenance is rarely awarded these days, usually only in cases where one of the couple has excessively high earnings. Please consult a different solicitor ASAP.

Best of luck. 💐

Sandra1984 · 07/04/2023 09:54

Your husband wants "collateral" from you in case you ever dump him. Those nude pictures will be used against you at some point.

Don't be naive and don't do it. And if you do it make sure your head/face is completely blurred.

IncompleteSenten · 07/04/2023 09:55

You're currently paying for everything and you're living with him and you're miserable.

Absolute worst case scenario you'd still need to give him money.

But at least you wouldn't be forced to live with him or be intimate with him.

It's still better than your life right now.

memesndmoreme · 07/04/2023 09:55

You would have to be making a fortune to have to pay spousal maintenance, even then its a rare thing to be granted.

jannier · 07/04/2023 09:58

Wouldn't ever send a pic you're. not happy to send.
Get more advice
Surely by living with him your paying to keep him anyway so even if you had to pay going forward....which I can't see...your still in the same situation but forced to live with and communicate with the nasty man.

jannier · 07/04/2023 10:00

Coercive control is now viewed as seriously as other forms of DA so that may also change legal opinion ...keep his texts.

Jellyheadbang · 07/04/2023 10:00

He sounds hideous.
I'm disabled and divorced. Tbf I work but only part time and am the resident parent. My working and earning capacity is directly linked to my disability.
My exh only pays the very barest minimum of maintenance for the children. Much less than he should and definitely nothing else spousal or for my disability.
I'm pretty sure that all the creepy coercive and sexual control would come into it somehow too with a decent solicitor.
Start again with someone new, preferably a woman who is experienced in divorce law.
As a disabled person and as an advocate, there are very few disabled people who can never work again , partly why pip is so hard to get for the many people who are disabled but have to work.

Maybe time for him to revisit his capacity. If he can text/ sext all day , I'm sure he has other technology skills he could apply at home, even on an ad hoc basis....

ThinkingOfAWittyUsername · 07/04/2023 10:08

Everyone's given you such good advice, and I have nothing really helpful to add, but I was thinking...
Do you share the same bed? Do you sleep naked? Perhaps invest in a set of PJs...

Not making light, I promise. I just hope he's not taking sneaky pictures of you whilst you sleep. Horrible to think of it but from what you've said he sounds like the type who might.

lionsleepstonight · 07/04/2023 10:12

Your situation is horrible, so pleased the switch has gone off and you can now see your situation more clearly. It makes me shudder. Threatening to use your drinking against you, when he was giving you those drinks to 'losen you up'. Shudder.

He's a coersive sex pest. Keep all the texts. I think with today's understanding of co ersive contril, the courts would look quite differently to the dinosaur solicitor you saw before.

Keep strong, and keep going.

QueueEtwo · 07/04/2023 10:15

Oh OP this is so sad to read!

Well done on seeking support & stay strong! 💐

What a disgusting man!<

Inthesamesinkingboat · 07/04/2023 10:26

Find another solicitor immediately. Don’t be shy about letting them know about the coercive side to your marriage and the fact that he has tried to get you to stay before. I’d also let them know that he may have material on you that he may use for leverage and that you want that immediately addressed.

ShepherdMoons · 07/04/2023 10:26

I'd go for a separation to start with and see if you can have more legal advice. I would really tell the solicitor everything as I would see this situation as abusive, constant pressure for sexts and nudes is intrusive and degrading. It is preventing you from living your life and causing you to be anxious and depressed. I'm not sure about spousal maintenance but as other posters have suggested, your dp will be eligible for some benefits if you separate. The chances are that, after separation, he will move on to someone else and you will be in a better situation.

I'd also check your/his computers and phone for evidence of cheating as it is probably that he is pressuring other women into sending nudes to him. It's something men do when they go on dating sites.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2023 10:27

It sounds as if he's sleepwalking (or sleepwanking) his way into a conviction for coercive control/sexual offences. Don't mention the folder of images on his computer again. Don't insist he deletes everything. Keep his messages on your phone and backed up to a properly secured computer of your own. All of them, but especially the angry ones and threats - including the ones where he's saying he won't buy food for you unless you provide him with coerced pornographic images.

It'll give the Police far more to work with when they seize his laptop.

Unpleasant though it might be to find out that he's shared or posted images of you online, it would actually be a result - as then there's irrefutable evidence of his crimes. A brief period of embarrassment in exchange for his criminal conviction.

And if you didn't actually tell anybody official (ie, GP, community drug and alcohol service) about drinking to numb yourself into tolerating his continued coercion and abuse, well, it's just lies to ensure that you were scared into staying in this abusive relationship, isn't it? And you stopped drinking altogether because he would repeatedly coerce you to get drunk and you didn't feel safe with him because of the other disgusting things he did, after all.

ShepherdMoons · 07/04/2023 10:30

I agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup try to build up some evidence and use this in the future. The idea he is sharing your pics is disgusting but it sounds like he's sex obsessed so probably sharing images, looking up other things on the computer. What an awful man, I hope you divorce him.

Densol57 · 07/04/2023 10:32

For god sake see another lawyer ! Many are totally useless.
If he is disabled he will be able to claim benefits
Get rid of that vile leech ( sexting is sooooo urgh )
Your kids are older so no chance of custody orders against their wishes

LTB in the strongest terms - urgh 💐 flowers to comfort x

FabFitFifties · 07/04/2023 10:33

What is the liklihood of the 14 yearold wanting to live with him? Pictures/sexual element aside, surely they have an inkling he's a controlling git? If there is any chance they favour him, I'd be putting them fully in the picture in an attempt to protect them from similar behaviour from him or future partners. They are potentially at risk of harm. Stay very strong OP and be prepared, as you do, for his behaviour to escalate hugely. I would also assume the pictures are already shared - as horrendous as that is, it takes any power/influence that particular threat can hold. I'd be reporting to the police in the hope his devices were seized, but I might be naive in that regard. Best of luck