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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

332 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
BattleofBeamfleot · 07/04/2023 08:17

Roselilly36 · 07/04/2023 07:54

Seeing a different solicitor won’t make any difference, the law won’t change. Ending a marriage is 50/50 in most cases, regardless whether it’s DH or DW making the money.

This is dangerous advice. Don't rely on your assumptions.

Law does change, and more importantly, so do trends in how a court may approach the dissolution, often based on updated understanding - for example, how children tend to deal with certain custody situations, or whether it's economically risky to expect ex spouses to be wholly maintained by another person.

So many legal decisions are still open to interpretation on some level and a solicitor who practises in this area will have a good view of the current approaches favoured by the court. It's always worth checking back after some time has passed - as many people have said, spousal maintenance is far less popular now than it was ten years ago, and a solicitor can advise of the likelihood of success of any given strategy.

Ask. Because you never know unless you find out.

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/04/2023 08:22

Weallgottachangesometime · 07/04/2023 08:15

Op I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this disgusting man. What a horrendous way for him to treat you. Is he someone that spends a lot of time watching porn or something? Sounds like he’s obsessive about having pictures of you.

I totally get your stance though. I would never send photos of myself like that. Even though I’ve been married 10 years and am certain my husband would never share them. I would just never put photos of me naked out there.

Are you keeping evidence of his behaviour? I wonder if there would be enough evidence of coercive control. I wonder if it is worth talking to the police about options or a domestic abuse service? aside from that evidence of his constant pestering and manipulation to get naked photos would’ve useful for your divorce no? I’d be tempted to spent some time putting evidence of his behaviour together.

I totally get your stance though. I would never send photos of myself like that. Even though I’ve been married 10 years and am certain my husband would never share them. I would just never put photos of me naked out there.

Absolutely!

You can have the most trustworthy and loyal bloke in the world, but there is nothing to say his laptop or phone won't get stolen. You have no ida who might get hold of those pictures.

BignBootiful · 07/04/2023 08:35

The photos are part of his control of you. He sounds pretty dark. You need to get out - especially for the sake of your children who are absorbing this behaviour. You need them to be in a position where they can have healthy relationships in the future and that means leaving him. Life without the pressure of a controller is amazing. You will feel that you can breathe again. And so will your children.

viques · 07/04/2023 08:36

Change2banon · 06/04/2023 10:06

Don’t send nudes - he’ll use them against you at some point.
Get a good solicitor and LTB.

On the other hand, keep all the aggressive texts/ messages demanding pics. Coercive or what.

Disgusting sounding man.

Barbecuebeans · 07/04/2023 08:36

BluebellBlueballs · 07/04/2023 08:15

It is a thing. My brother got divorced and has to give his ex £10k a year in addition to child maintenance. He's a high earner but she didn't give her job up during the marriage and has a decent income from her own business

Show quote history

£10k a year is a small price to pay to end this marriage if the OP can afford it at all.

Especially if being away from him enables her to further her career.

Please leave him OP. You'll never look back. It will be a massive weight off your shoulders.

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 08:37

It’s a terrible shame you’ve stayed with this awful man for so long. And a shame you didn’t just move to end your previous long commute, whatever he said.

I think you need to step back and really consider why you’ve allowed the relationship to continue for so long particularly with the background of sexual abuse.

Unfortunately you also need to do a reverse image search on all your pics to see if he’s put them on porn sites.

SleepyRich · 07/04/2023 08:41

Well done on dropping the alcohol despite ongoing stressor!

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:42

Thank you all so much. I am getting professional advice.

In the meantime, I will hold my boundary. He is in a huff this morning, and I started to feel really uncomfortable. My instinct would have been to smooth things over, but I didn’t. Enough of putting his feelings first!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:43

I don’t keep the pics I send him as I feel so degraded. So I can’t search for them.

Yes I need a therapist who specialises in this stuff. I see that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:45

Thanks @SleepyRich . I was determined. Had wanted to give up for several years but he would buy me wine or gin to “get me in the mood”.

and yes I know how bloody dreadful that is

he found it v difficult when I could no longer be blandished with alcohol…

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:50

@Mirabai there were several reasons

  1. he threatened to take the children if I left
  2. he threatened to use my evening drinking against me
  3. he threatened to use my “never being there” (ie being out at work many miles away) as evidence of being an unfit mother
  4. my then lawyer told me I would need to prepare myself for the possibility of being in a bedsit, with him and the girls living in the family home and me supporting them financially, if the court decision didn’t go in my favour

the difference now?

  1. the girls are 14 and (almost) 18
  2. I am almost four years sober
  3. I work from home
  4. I could afford a two bed flat for me and my 14 year old, if we sell the family home and split the equity 50:50
OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 07/04/2023 08:53

I have you ever spoken to a domestic abuse service? I really think specialist advice around the coercive element might be helpful.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/04/2023 08:57

Weallgottachangesometime · 07/04/2023 08:53

I have you ever spoken to a domestic abuse service? I really think specialist advice around the coercive element might be helpful.

I agree with this, it might be time to report his behaviour to the police, now coercive and controlling behaviour is a crime.

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 08:58

You must know the first points 1-3 are bollocks right?

Point 4. Needed further legal advice. Depends who is the main caregiver - by the sounds of it that’s you not him as you say he did no chores originally.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 09:02

Yes I know, but though I am assertive professionally, for some reason I have been frightened by my DH into doing what he wants.

I have been in touch with one women’s service this morning and they have signposted me to other resources. They won’t be open again until Tuesday now but I totally agree I need specialist support, and therapy.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 07/04/2023 09:06

This is hideous. “I’ll buy you a garlic bread if you send me a picture of your body”? What a disgusting creep to commodify you like that.

Time to find a better lawyer - the first one sounds crap.

I would not want a sleazy man like this around my teenaged daughters. Courage Flowers

Notjustabrunette · 07/04/2023 09:07

This is a painfully sad thread. You deserve a better life than this.

Hellybelly84 · 07/04/2023 09:08

Why would you have to support him for life? Never heard of that ever! Also, he is abusive, demanding nude pics and getting angry if you dont send them. Thats abuse. Go and see a different solicitor asap.

Hellybelly84 · 07/04/2023 09:10

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/04/2023 08:57

I agree with this, it might be time to report his behaviour to the police, now coercive and controlling behaviour is a crime.

Show quote history

Agree aswell - report to the police and move out with the child that is at home. I would not want that man anywhere near teenage kids. Just how gross he is demanding that from you.

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:11

Yes I know, but though I am assertive professionally, for some reason I have been frightened by my DH into doing what he wants.

And this is why posters are talking about coercive control. It would be a really good idea to follow the advice to contact a domestic abuse charity like Women’s Aid and talk through the control aspects of your marriage particularly wrt the sexual abuse.

purpledalmation · 07/04/2023 09:17

He's used blackmail in the past and may have kept these pics of you and attempt blackmail. It's a criminal offence.

Roselilly36 · 07/04/2023 09:17

BattleofBeamfleot · 07/04/2023 08:17

This is dangerous advice. Don't rely on your assumptions.

Law does change, and more importantly, so do trends in how a court may approach the dissolution, often based on updated understanding - for example, how children tend to deal with certain custody situations, or whether it's economically risky to expect ex spouses to be wholly maintained by another person.

So many legal decisions are still open to interpretation on some level and a solicitor who practises in this area will have a good view of the current approaches favoured by the court. It's always worth checking back after some time has passed - as many people have said, spousal maintenance is far less popular now than it was ten years ago, and a solicitor can advise of the likelihood of success of any given strategy.

Ask. Because you never know unless you find out.

Show quote history

I am speaking from experience, someone I know is a very high earner, long marriage, her lawyer says 50/50, highly recommended divorce specialist lawyer, It doesn’t matter who earns or contributes financially the most in the marriage.

CornishTiger · 07/04/2023 09:17

Fuck all of that.

I’m glad you are waking up and seeing him for what he is. Disgusting.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 07/04/2023 09:22

Oh op what an awful situation, I really feel for you. My ex used to be coercive sexually with me, like your dh so I completely understand why you feel guilty for saying no.

But, what you (and I at the time) don't realise is that you do have power, you have power over how you respond. What you don't have power over is his actions. What's the worse he will do if you said 'forget the garlic bread then, I said no and I will continue to say no, as I will not be sending nudes or anything that makes me feel uncomfortable again'? He will sulk, maybe shout, down tools and stop doing the housework. So what? You do you and your dc and he can sort himself out. You have the ability to ignore his outbursts, you can make your own tea, take you and dd out for the day, you can go to work, sleep in a different bedroom etc.

What he doesn't realise is that you could take those texts to the police and they'd taken them pretty seriously. So in your shoes I would consider having a conversation with the police, logging this so if he does get worse you can report him and it will be on record. Sexual coercion is a crime.

I also echo other pp, speak to a few different solicitors, he can't hold your dd over you now as she's 14 and can speak to a judge and make her own decision who she lives with.

prh47bridge · 07/04/2023 09:24

KTSl1964 · 07/04/2023 07:35

He’s been sent lots of pictures previously -ask yourself why he keeps wanting more from you? It’s control.
How old are your children - would he want parental responsibility- see a different solicitor and establish the facts.
It depends on your come repaying him spousal maintenance. It would be worth it just to get rid of him..

As they are married, he already has parental responsibility whether he wants it or not. He will still have PR if they divorce.

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