Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

[Ralphiesaurus]

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

Is he texting you his requests and angry response when you won’t comply with the pics?
I’d use this as evidence of coercive control and abuse. Surely you can’t be expected to pay for your abuser??

Def see a new solicitor - pay for the best to get you out of this shit.

I just wanted to quickly give you a big womanly cheer Op.

Youve had great advice and it sounds like you’re putting yourself first for a a change . I’m actually very excited for you as I think your life is going to exponentially improve in the near future.

Well done for posting on here, it’s never easy but you did it.

I just read this OP and thought, I'm so sorry.

You've had good advice already but it's gut-wrenching what someone women experience in their relationships. I had similar and life is so much better on the other side of it. You'll feel like a new woman once this is all properly behind you and there will be lots of happiness and freedom ahead of you. What a sleaze your husband is, I can't imagine treating someone like this.

There is a principle in divorce, a spouse has to be provided for, he needs a place to live and an income, according to your means you will have to pay. Courts favour clean breaks if possible but ultimately it could be for life, the rules are not biased and he could end up taking half of everything including your pension.

Whoever has custody of the children will get extra, to you it all sounds grossly unfair, usually it’s the man that is the high earner who is in your situation, if you are going to divorce him try to agree what will happen quickly or legal fees will cripple you.

Depending on circumstances spousal maintenance is sometimes awarded. each couple will reach a settlement that works best for them, failing that a court will. Either way, spousal maintenance is still a thing.
In these circumstances op I would go and see another solicitor and investigate your options. Then at least you can make a fully informed decision. The type of behaviour you are describing sounds quite abusive.

This man clearly hates you and sounds utterly vile. Surely you’re supporting him now? Supporting him and giving up your life and any chance of happiness. So even if you had to give him money you’d at least have your life back.

The thing is, if you stay with him you're supporting him anyway. Even if you do have to pay some support if you leave him, at least you get away from him. The situation sounds absolutely grim. Unless you really can't afford to leave surely it's not worth tolerating this just for financial benefit.

This. You have to stay and be repulsed by him, that really is grim him pestering you. If you’re stuck anyway, beautiful freedom will be better having to actually pay less money. If he doesn’t have custody of the kids either, which is unlikely if he can’t work, then the maintenance amount will be small.

First rule of benefits vs tax. Families are taxed as individuals . Benefits are based of household income.
In my case with a ex h not working due to severe and enduring mental illness and me working as just inside the higher rate tax band to support a family of 4 indivudually (I didn’t agree to him giving up work at age of 41😡), we were taxed based on my allowances only, leaving his personal tax allowance unused, but we didn’t qualify for disability benefits as 1) I was working full time to keep roof over our heads despite him needing me at a other end of phone whenever and essentially 24/7 carer and 2) I was earning too much and our household income before tax meant e received nothing despite him not having any income at all.
the only exception was old school PIP which he qualified for in first year after diagnosis of his illness, and then they asked him to attend interview to apply in second year and he refused as he thought state was spying on him - same reason as he didn’t ver apply the unemployment benefit despite at times (between psychotic crisis) being capable f doing some work

familes in are situation are often caught in this trap- where one partner “steps up” to try to maximise income to support their family where partner is suddenly too ill to work.

Sorry OP, just caught up on your posts. Once you have a lightbulb moment everything else shows up and that’s it you see it all clearly. Post a levels this year really will come around quick and you can start the ball rolling now.

Hi @Ralphiesaurus

Just for information:- Someone with MS whose symptoms are progressed enough to be receiving PIP (DLA) & already medically retired (you said he's already receiving small pension) is unlikely to have a long prognosis (number of years left)

I'm just mentioning that fact

Glad you are refusing his constant demands for sexual photos, that is upsetting you. He's being a sex pest. No means no. Glad WA are supporting you.

At age 14 your youngest DD can decide who she wants to live with . Id be working in my relationship with my DCs and not letting him alienate me. Be the involved mum who takes her out to hobbies you share and lovely active places her manipulative father can't take her "Ralpasaurusfamily girls days out"
Id be very careful at making sure neither DC feels they need to become their Dad's carer.

He doesn’t work, does fuck all, is sexually coercive, abusive…

See a much better solicitor, immediately, and consider reporting him to the police for any sexual coercion.

The idea that you’d have to pay the lazy fucker for life is galling, and cannot be right, surely?

OP, even if you do end up paying spousal maintenance it will be assessed on income and outgoings. You need to take the kids with you, you’re going to be financially responsible for them until 18, longer if in education. Rent a house, an expensive one if needs be so that your outgoings are high and then the maintenance will be calculated on disposable income, make sure you don’t have a huge amount left over and the payments to him will be minimal. In theory if you have the children he should be paying maintenance for them so if he is unable that will be taken into account too. Find a rental and just move out with the kids. This man is vile and as others have said his cc texts will be good evidence in the divorce. Good luck but please leave him for your sake and the children.

You poor thing OP. I hope your life changes for the better soon (ie you divorce). Well done on the sobriety. Keep going.

This is awful OP, I'm so sorry. It's good that you're realising how very very bad things have been/are.

If I were you I would be going through my phone and saving as many demands for pics, and anything else along those lines as I could. I would be going to my solicitor with written retrospective statements about times when you have been coerced in any way, whether sexually or otherwise. I would write up the conversations you've had where he coerced you into staying by threatening to take the kids away. I would find a solicitor who can see immediately that he has been exercising coercive control and who will make a case on that basis. I think (though am not a lawyer) that the existence of coercive control will mean that the settlement is approached by the court in a very different way.

And, aside from the impact on the way the case is heard, I think he will behave very differently in terms of his own demands once he knows that this is the approach your solicitor intends to take.

Fuck that abusive fucker - he will not like the taste of his own medicine.

This is so terrible. I know a couple who exchange intimate photos but it is mutual and consensual. No one owes anyone such images, husband or no and emotional blackmail and wheedling should never be part of intimacy.

Good luck on the legal side, OP. A friend pays maintainance for his children but the court didn't order him to pay for his ex to live. I know your situation is very, very different but I'd be very surprised if you were expected to pay for your husband ad infinitum. All the best.

He sounds hideous.

I don’t know much about spousal maintenance but I’d have thought it was more applicable to a situation where a spouse had given up work to be the home maker/childcarer during the marriage and thereby been deprived of earning potential, not due to health reasons meaning he can’t work. I’d seek different legal advice. As other have said, you’re paying for him now anyway, so even if you do, would it not be better to be away from him?

There's no way on earth you'd be compelled to support him forever because he can't work. I don't believe any lawyer said anything of the sort.

Courts always try to get a clean break settlement, both sides get a share of the marital assets, house, pensions, savings etc ,there may be child maintenance otherwise you go your separate ways. Spousal maintenence may involve many years of wrangling and upset best avoided.

Dont get the police involved unless serious harm is being caused because it will harden attitudes and even if he gets convicted and jailed the divorce problem remains. Until a resolution is found separate bedrooms would be a good idea.

You've had some great advice on here. What really turned my stomach is that he is the father of daughters. How the hell would he feel if one of them was in a relationship where their partner was asking for nude pictures in return for buying garlic bread 🤮. I tell my DCs never send anyone a picture you wouldn't show granny. Utterly grim and I'm glad you are starting to realise this is not on you.

? MS isn’t terminal, most patients have normal life expectancy although it can shorten lifespan by 5-10 years. But that can be related to complications and lack of exercise than the disease itself.

The place to start re the sexual abuse is not with the police (unless he is found to have done a specific illegal activity like put the pics on porn sites or sexual assault).

OP needs to create a paper trail. Tell her GP and ask for counselling on the matter (perfectly legitimate in the circumstances). Then the GP can provide written evidence that @Ralphiesaurus reported sexual abuse to them on x date, and was referred for counselling for it.

OP can also note what dates she was in touch with da support services.(Keep any emails).

I bet he's selling the pictures. God what a pervert

What a vile horrible man. As everyone else says -find a better solicitor and dump the sex pest. You deserve better. A lot better.

So this is how it goes. This is how he keeps me in line. He asked about having sex this morning and I declined. Didn’t make up an excuse or anything, because I am trying to be more assertive. I just said that “I’m still feeling weird about the picture thing the other day.”

He said he couldn’t see why. “You said no and that’s the end of it”.

”Great!” I said.

But I heard the tone of his voice (and have noted that if he asks me for a pic again I can now remind him he knows I said no).

Anyway, I fell back asleep. Then was woken up a bit later (it’s still only 7am so the earlier conv was hours ago) and he’s doing his MS physio exercises on the bed, banging and huffing and stretching.

I asked him why he couldn’t have waited until later maybe and let me sleep?

He didn’t apologise for waking me. Just got annoyed and left the room, awkwardly closing the door behind him without turning back to look at me (this is complicated to do but even more so when you have balance issues).

He’s now loudly unloading the dishwasher. The kitchen is under DD1s bedroom. We were all meant to be having lie-ins today.

Well I say this is how he keeps me in line, but that should be past tense. I have defeated two bullies (different circs) in the past five years. I have changed.