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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

332 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
Duckingella · 07/04/2023 06:57

Keep the angry messages when you refused to send nudes as potential evidence of coercion.

MissMarplesbag · 07/04/2023 06:59

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

I'd be wary about sending a nude picture in case he shared it on social media platforms. Don't send him anything and delete all compromising messages on WhatsApp etc. Don't trust his motives.

Duckingella · 07/04/2023 07:04

Also with all the work from home jobs these days even with MS he could actually work even part time.

LoudSnoringDog · 07/04/2023 07:18

This is so gross.

googlejourney · 07/04/2023 07:21

Please make sure all nudes and videos are deleted. There's more at play here than him wanting 'treats' for himself. It's about control and seems an obsession. Men with an obsession like this often join groups of like minded men and swap pictures and stories online, it is a done thing. This then fuels their fetish.

Summerfun54321 · 07/04/2023 07:23

You've told him no on a number of occasions but he's still asking. Do you think he gets a kick out of asking you to do something sexual you aren't freely consenting too? This is so dark. Definitely log and record these messages and his reactions to you refusing. This is not normal at all.

Pippylongstock · 07/04/2023 07:27

Absolute controlling bastard. You need to leave this absolute arsehole. What ever happens even if you end up paying som maintenance it has to be better than this.

AgrathaChristie · 07/04/2023 07:27

Switchwitch · 06/04/2023 09:15

I'd be worried about what he's doing/done with the photos. Is he sharing them online?

This.
Dont send any photos as you’ve no idea how he’ll use them.
Are there jobs he is capable of going, maybe WFH? Or retraining for something suitable? If there are find as many vacancies and opportunities as you can as evidence that he does not need spousal support. Get another solicitor and start planning to leave.

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/04/2023 07:29

CandyLeBonBon · 06/04/2023 09:11

You'd have to be earning a fortune to be paying spousal maintenance - it's very unusual to see spousal maintenance paid these days unless you're a very very high earner and even then it's unlikely to be for life. I'd be visiting a new solicitor for advice tbh. But even if you did have to pay sone maintenance, is that not a price worth paying? This is no way to live.

This.

You are unlikely to have to give him any maintenance, but even if you did, at least you would just be paying him some money - at the moment you are supporting him financially and also paying with your physical and mental health and peace of mind.

Not to add negativity to the situation, but before you action anything you may want to try and delete any photos he has of you stored on his personal devices.

@Schleep is right. Even if he didn't use them against you, why should he have them in his possession if you don't want him to? You were bullied into them. You don't want him to have them even now while you are still a couple; you certainly don't want him w*nking over them when you have split.

Some men are just scum.

Please get yourself out of this toxic situation while you are still able to. Get your oldest DD onside if you need to - she doesn't need to know too many details. I'm sure that your children are aware that things aren't right between you.

And well done keeping off the alcohol. It isn't easy, especially when you are under the emotional and mental stress you are experiencing in your life.

Comii9 · 07/04/2023 07:29

This is definitely one of the worst I have read on here. Do you still sleep with him OP?

You must have the patience of a Saint I would tell him to go and F himself!

balancingfigure · 07/04/2023 07:30

So I don’t know if you’d have to support him if you split but surely now you financially support him, get hassled for nude pics and he does a few chores. You could split and even if you financially support you’re free and have to pick up garlic bread yourself!

ClairDeLaLune · 07/04/2023 07:31

Screenshot every single message and save them somewhere he can’t find them. Then go to the police. You need to put yourself in a strong position against him for when you leave. And obviously get a shit hot lawyer. Sorry you are going through this OP, he sounds horrific.

Unicorntastic · 07/04/2023 07:34

How tech savvy is he? Before letting him know what’s you’re planning I’d try and get hold of his phone or wherever he stores those pics.

KTSl1964 · 07/04/2023 07:35

He’s been sent lots of pictures previously -ask yourself why he keeps wanting more from you? It’s control.
How old are your children - would he want parental responsibility- see a different solicitor and establish the facts.
It depends on your come repaying him spousal maintenance. It would be worth it just to get rid of him..

Paq · 07/04/2023 07:36

Keep a copy of all of the messages. This is abuse-level coercion. Use it in the divorce. I'm so furious on your behalf. I'm so, so sorry you are in this situation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2023 07:37

It’s better to split sooner rather than later and go for a clean break. The longer you leave it, the more assets you accrue resulting in having to share even more and the less time you have to rebuild them.

Magicmama92 · 07/04/2023 07:42

Find a lawyer that specialises in divorce.
Keep saying no.
You shouldn't do something that makes you uncomfortable ever and he needs to grow up .

Itsmeagain2 · 07/04/2023 07:52

What the heck am I reading

Mummytolittleones92 · 07/04/2023 07:52

googlejourney · 07/04/2023 07:21

Please make sure all nudes and videos are deleted. There's more at play here than him wanting 'treats' for himself. It's about control and seems an obsession. Men with an obsession like this often join groups of like minded men and swap pictures and stories online, it is a done thing. This then fuels their fetish.

I completely agree with this. As a PP also said, save any messages where he has been pressuring you. I would be concerned as to what he may be doing with these images. My DH loves getting the occasional photo of me (in the cold light of day I’m cringing at that!) but he never asks for them, I never feel pressured and I know 100% he wouldn’t show anyone. The way your ‘D’H gets into strops about this screams control. He wants to control you. Sadly the photos are the perfect way for him to do that. He sounds very resentful of you and as though you owe him something. I’m glad you’re making plans to leave. He sounds very unpleasant. Also make clear to him that should these photos find their way anywhere else (I.E the internet) you will not hesitate to contact the police, even if he is the father of your DC.

Roselilly36 · 07/04/2023 07:54

Seeing a different solicitor won’t make any difference, the law won’t change. Ending a marriage is 50/50 in most cases, regardless whether it’s DH or DW making the money.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/04/2023 08:10

IamSmarticus · 06/04/2023 09:06

Whether you leave him or not (and I definitely think that you should) you need to start setting boundarys and tell him that no, you won't be sending nude photos or sexting ever again.

This.
Also deleting what he has.

BluebellBlueballs · 07/04/2023 08:15

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/04/2023 09:12

I don’t think that’s true about you supporting him forever-maintenance for spouses is not really a thing anymore

It is a thing. My brother got divorced and has to give his ex £10k a year in addition to child maintenance. He's a high earner but she didn't give her job up during the marriage and has a decent income from her own business

Weallgottachangesometime · 07/04/2023 08:15

Op I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this disgusting man. What a horrendous way for him to treat you. Is he someone that spends a lot of time watching porn or something? Sounds like he’s obsessive about having pictures of you.

I totally get your stance though. I would never send photos of myself like that. Even though I’ve been married 10 years and am certain my husband would never share them. I would just never put photos of me naked out there.

Are you keeping evidence of his behaviour? I wonder if there would be enough evidence of coercive control. I wonder if it is worth talking to the police about options or a domestic abuse service? aside from that evidence of his constant pestering and manipulation to get naked photos would’ve useful for your divorce no? I’d be tempted to spent some time putting evidence of his behaviour together.

Eann · 07/04/2023 08:16

No price is too high to get rid of this man. Get a good solicitr and if you really have to pay maintenance, pay it. Wouldn’t you rather have a slightly smaller house without this man?

Tell him his demands for nude pics and sexts are creepy and repulsive and to stop it.

Lemonaade · 07/04/2023 08:16

OP I don’t understand why you would have to pay him maintenance forever? He’s not your dependant! I don’t get it.

hope you can get out of this

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