Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

[Ralphiesaurus]

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

Oh that's really interesting, @Davros Can I ask what the medication is? My DH is on regular treatment for his MS: two daily drugs, plus six-weekly intravenous infusions. I would feel dreadful if it turned out this behaviour was a side-effect!

My DH has Parkinson's and several of the drugs can cause this

• Ropinrole is the worst, he no longer takes this
• Radagiline, he takes a small amount
• Levadopa which is essential in PD and this has to be strictly controlled. He recently started taking way too much and had a psychotic episode which centred around hallucinations of me doing all sorts of sex-related things

Ah ok, so totally different then? I am sorry you’re going through that. Parkinson’s must be very difficult to deal with, without difficult drug side-effects on top! Thank you for sharing your experience.

Well done OP you're an inspiration and a great example of why women should always keep their financial independence- you can be free of him and his awful behaviours.

When I read your OP the first thing I thought was "medication side effects" but maybe yours is just horrible! Although I know why my DH carries on like he does, it doesn't make it OK and, of course, because we're married we are supposed to want sex with eachother. I don't! My feelings are just as important as his but society expects sexual with eachother, regardless of our age, ability and health

Didn’t do so well “grey rock” wise earlier. I felt annoyed about having to cook dinner when he and the girls have been off all day and I was working. However instead of being all martyrish I actually told him how I felt it was unfair and why. He then did a tit-for-tat on the number of meals I’ve cooked over the holidays and how it wasn’t actually that many, and it got very petty indeed. He just can’t stand me standing up for myself. Wow.

Weirdly, though, he went back to all sweetness and light just before I served up?!?!

Tried Women’s Aid as well as the solicitors today but couldn’t get through. Will try again tomorrow.

And to the PP who asked earlier, he is capable of putting a simple meal together. He can even cook bolognese/chilli from scratch! But has never learned any other recipes. I help with chopping veg. But the default is he assumes I will cook… and my friend today reminded me that he was always like this, even before the MS diagnosis. Don’t get me started on things like toilet cleaning or even wiping surfaces.

His balance isn’t the best, and he gets fatigued easily. I really do cut him some slack over this as I know it isn’t his fault, and it must be hard to live with. But he definitely also uses his disability to his advantage at times.

I hear you on the societal expectations around sex and marriage, @Davros It’s really difficult when you just don’t want to. At all. I have suggested couples counselling more than once over the years but he just won’t have it.

Next time he starts the tit for tat, just state that you're not talking about last week and only today, and he's more than welcome to raise any frustrations with you in the future if he feels that there is an imbalance of effort. Then leave it at that.

I don't have any advise but I really hope you can see a quality solicitor who will help you. Your husband is outrageous for using his disability as a stick to beat you with, you deserve a calm and happy home.

If he can make Bolognese then he can make lasagne, moussaka and shepherd’s pie..

@Davros presumably your DH was normal and then developed the overly sexual behaviour once he started the drugs?

We were both normal once! Since then I've had pelvic radiotherapy, which has had a terrible long term effect on my vulva (tmi!), I then had surgery including a vaginectomy so I'm altered inside as well! I had him trying to get me to sext when I was recovering in hospital from surgery "down below". He can't even achieve what he wants to. When he went really doolally I found boxes and boxes of viagra. He must have been taking it every day, possibly more than once a day. I threw it out

I could be wrong but I get the sense OP’s DH has always been like that, it doesn’t sound like a sudden response to a new drug.

Mirabai, I agree with you but it's worth considering. This has been happening to me on and off and to varying degrees for ten years

Does your DH pester you for pics?

DH takes medication that can cause excessive sexualisation and/or reckless behaviour

@Davros I wonder how much he's using that as an excuse to do what he wants to do to you. Then he can just blame the meds.

Either way he should be on different meds if they're making him a pest. There are usually several medications doctors can try for a condition.

I suppose Parkinson's can cause disinhibition in and of itself, too.

I agree with PP's. He will notice the change, no matter how much you try and hide the change. Texting asking him to stop his behaviours (as a PP said) is a very good idea.

When I decided to end it with my ex, he knew even though I went to great efforts to go 'grey rock'.

Is it weird to also feel sad about all of this? Like waking up and realising your life has been a sham…

When you feel like this, remind yourself that you have two beautiful children from this horrible relationship. (Beautiful roses grow from manure, you know.) What a great gift they are to you.

You will get to a good place - not saying it will be easy, but you will get there.

I want to swear but am not sure Mumsnet allows that!

You're new here aren't you?

😂

He sounds like a creep. You’re basically being sexually harassed in your marriage.

Your children are old enough now to decide who they want to live with.

Agree with everyone else, get another lawyer and leave him.

You can google tit pics & send. He'll never know there not yours. I did this with my DH, we've been married 17yrs & he wasn't able to identify the pic I sent wasn't me.

Yeah it's not the medicine. He's just an arsehole.

Why would you just not say no?