Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

[Ralphiesaurus]

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

If you think he'd use your 'alcoholism' against you in a divorce fight, wait til you see what he'd do with nude selfies...

You need to report this scumball to the police.

The behaviour around the nude pics is coercive control. It may even be a sexual offense on top of that.

Call Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

Get advice on how to report this.

He’s still sulking! 😮

This is very illuminating. I want to try to see it with curiosity and detachment, rather than get sucked into the parent-petulant child dynamic he seems to be setting up. It’s odd how easily I fall into wanting to placate him, to “make things ok”, and how anxiety-making I find it not to.

To those who posted about The Freedom Project, thank you. I have read a bit about it and will look into it further. I’ll also look into being “grey rock”. I fear it won’t be enough as I have enabled his behaviour for so many years so he will tell the difference and not be happy with it, but we shall see.

I have confided in one close real-world friend. She knew about the previous attempt to leave in 2016 and is amazing. I may tell one other, who also knew about things back then as well.

I don’t think he can hurt me physically any more now I have found my voice to say “no” to doing anything sexually I don’t want to. His disability means I could outrun him. But he is physically very strong - upper body strength - from the wheelchair. But I hear you all about what he might do with the pictures. I can’t allow myself to be afraid of that though as I need to move forward. It would be an offence to post them anywhere, and if my work were to find out I am sure they would be sympathetic to me as it reflects worse on him, I think.

Anyway, as things progress I will tell work - not the detail - but about getting divorced. They have an excellent record for supporting people with difficult life events, so I think I am ok there - and I have a great relationship with my boss, which helps.

Is it weird to also feel sad about all of this? Like waking up and realising your life has been a sham…

And yes, @mathanxiety to speaking to Women’s Aid. They are on my list for Tuesday. I’m not sure about involving the police yet as I am concerned about how quickly things will move and want to protect a bit of time and peace around DD1s A-Levels, but I see it is serious and will take WA advice on that. Thank you (and everyone on this thread) for your wise words and support.

Is it weird to also feel sad about all of this? Like waking up and realising your life has been a sham…

No. It's perfectly normal and understandable to feel like that. After all, when starting out we all hope for something far better than how it sometimes (often!) ends up. What could have been.

I'm glad you've woken up to how bad your marriage is Op and you've made a good start looking into all the help available. When you feel bad for not smoothing things over just remember this is how he's kept you in line for so long, he'll upgrade the sulking soon so be prepared. He has a lot more to lose than you so he'll be prepared to fight, don't let him knock you off track, the more you can see his manipulations the easier it will be to hold firm. Please keep posting and let MN support you

Good to hear you've turned a corner on this one.. get some good advice and grey rock that fucker. Be careful because from my own personal experience once they know your mind is made up and there's no going back it will likely get nasty. Get that advice, get that back up plan ready and be strong. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and very controlling.

Start getting yourself together. Document everything. Every unreasonable demand. Every time you see him do something that is contrary to his disability. Move your savings around, see a financial advisor who can tell you the best way to protect it. Then get a good solicitor and file for divorce. Good luck. And please don't send him any naked pics unless you want to. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

When you are free to progress this OP, go to the police in the first instance. This is for two reasons. First, if he has committed an offence against you, it will be so much easier to divorce him. Two, he will likely escalate and become dangerous to you. If you have already been to the police, if he escalates, they will already be aware of your situation.

You will need to get super organised but I suspect between now and then, he will continue to coercively control you and this will mean you have a tonne more evidence against him.

Be careful he doesn't find this thread or cop on to what you are planning. You need the upper hand in all things now and make sure he can't wipe all the evidence off your phone too. Maybe get a mate to take screen shots on their phone for you?

Don't expect much of the police. I say this due to my experience of reporting sex offences.

By all means report it, but if you go into it not expecting much, you will come out of it better than you otherwise would.

And if they are helpful, that's a bonus.

If he ever shared those pics it's classed as revenge porn and is a big thing just now. May have missed a post but can you access his phone/laptop to delete them?

I can’t access his phone: he never leaves it unattended, and he has a fingerprint lock screen. He doesn’t have a laptop.

He sent me a WhatsApp apology over the weekend, including something (oddly) about “not meaning to be coercive” (interesting choice of words) and then also turned up unexpectedly at an event I was partly leading, (I had invited him but he had said previously that it would be too difficult for him to get to it on his mobility scooter.)

Thing is, it’s too little, too late. I mean I am glad he has sort of apologised (he has form for never admitting to being in the wrong and I’ve brought that up with him before) - so he sort of gets that something is up at least. And turning up, actually putting himself out, was a real surprise and I was pleased he made the effort.

But I am so done… How much effort have I made all these years? Supporting us, paying the mortgage, massive commutes, cooking, cleaning, gardening, doing DIY?

The next few months will take all my acting skills. I’ve already realised how very often I have acquiesced when I didn’t want to. Every day something tiny happens and I find myself wondering if he will “realise”, if I say no.

I got irritated with him running his hands all over me last night in bed… and said could he please stop as I felt he was going on and on and on and on and trying to turn me on and I didn’t want it and he got angry. Raised his voice. Said he was only trying to make me feel nice. Went to turn over in a huff, but I called him out on it. Said why was he reacting like that? I just wasn’t in the mood. Something in my tone of voice made him see sense, and he tried to pass it off as him being “silly”.

It must seem so stupid to anyone on the outside. I mean it’s obvious this relationship is lopsided. Today I’m back at work but I know it will be a quiet day so in my breaks I am going to research lawyers (via Rights of Women/Women’s Aid) and also counsellors who deal with domestic abuse.

I think one reason I never saw it as abuse is that all the charities have names with “rape” or “domestic violence” etc. Reading through, I do realise he raped me in the past though (the drunken sex) and that a man doesn’t have to raise his fists to be an abuser. I want to swear but am not sure Mumsnet allows that!

Delighted to read your seeing this through different eyes. I never saw myself in a domestic violence situation until the little jigsaw pieces were slowly put together. The level of coercive control was massive and also a bit alarming once I woke up to it. Quietly make your enquiries and get your plan in place. You may continue to notice a shift in his behaviour, once the game is up and the penny drops he'll start the love bombing all over again. Ignore it! Your done here, you just need a full proof exit strategy.

Be very careful about protecting your phone/iPad/laptop etc, so he can’t get in. Change passwords or activate fingerprint recognition. He may well clock onto the fact that something has changed and you need to be careful….

Is there somewhere you can store important items? Work, a good friends house? You need to start discretely getting documents etc out of the house.
Look at moving your savings, or at least protecting them. And any jewellery or personal items you really wouldn’t want to loose.

You say you don’t want to upset your daughters A-levels but you could find a good solicitor and start the process. Someone recommended by a woman’s aid group would be good. They can give you advice regarding protecting your assets and what to do with any joint savings. They will also be able to advise on the mortgage and any payments needed. You can make it very clear that you don’t want to start the process until after the A-levels, but no reason why things can’t be going on in the background.

You also need to tell your solicitor about the nude pictures. Once you start divorce proceedings you could then report to the police so it’s in record. They probably won’t do anything at this stage, but it’s documented so if he escalates or threatens to use them you can take action.

Goodluck!

The scales have well and truly fallen from your eyes - well done.

Mumsnet absolutely does allow swearing, as long as you don't swear at another poster. So vent away, let this be your safe place and yes, protect all your passwords.

I just wanted to say to you that your life is going to be so much better when you get through the other side of this.

I remember vividly that feeling I had 13 years ago walking through the door of my flat into a world without him in it.

That feeling of peace and freedom is palpable still all those years later.

He will absolutely put the charm on now OP and lovebomb you as you've made it obvious through your demeanour that his old manipulative tricks won't work any more. Your situation has many parallels with mine a decade ago right down to the drinking to cope, the manipulative pass-agg behaviour, and the fact that I was a high earner supporting us both and my work was suffering.

I left him, it was nasty, he made is nasty, I had to pay a lump sum. 10 years on I am sober, thriving and doing way better financially than I would have done had a I stayed with him, even with the payout, because my mental state is so much better and my career has come on leaps and bounds.

All of that to say, stay strong and keep looking a gorgeous flats and imagining yourself in them. Grit your teeth because the actual separation will be tough and he will undoubtedly be as difficult as he can (although you may e surprised. When it came to the crunch my ex was so flabbergasted that I had the temerity to leave that he ended up backing down on a lot of things.). BUT the end result will be so, so worth it.

I want to swear but am not sure Mumsnet allows that!

You absolutely can swear! The person you married is an abusive fucking cunt!

Best of luck over the next few months and stay focused on the end goal and the fact your life will be 100% better than it is now. Move forward guilt free and plan carefully… hide important documents, protect all your personal devices and get everything in order.
Good luck with everything!

Abusive men are very sensitive to a shift in their victims.

He will have clocked the change in you.

Hence the coercive remark.

He knows well that he has been committing a crime.

Start texting him that you want him to stop touching you without permission, touching you when you sleep, touching you when you have asked him not to, putting pressure on you for pictures that make you feel uncomfortable.

Start texting him what you want him to stop doing and you will watch him get very nervous.

He knows well he is breaking the law.

Keep your phone/laptop etc., coded safely.

Things take time.

Use this time to get organised so you can be gone by the summer.

Have you used coercive in any messages/conversations? If not He's either seen this thread, heard you on a call discussing this or is actually intelligent to know what he's doing

Today I've made initial enquiries of two specialist lawyers (who deal with domestic abuse and divorce). I have also worked 9-5, and done some important paperwork for something else (legal - not worrying, but needs to be handled properly) ongoing. He has sat on the sofa playing on his phone, took the dog out earlier briefly, and did a load of washing, so there's that. He got our daughters to make lunch and has asked me to make dinner. God, I'm a mug!

I really hate him for you, OP. You and your girls deserve to be free of him. Awful, awful man.

I'd have shoved a pan up his arse and one down his throat and clanged them together (unless his disability means he can't physically cook)

I have some problems similar to this with sexpectations which I find totally off putting. DH takes medication that can cause excessive sexualisation and/or reckless behaviour. For a long time I semi-tolerated it but it made me very unhappy. I no longer put up with it but it causes conflict. Drs are very aware that this is a side effect but nobody wants to know unless you make a stand. For ages it was quite "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" but I've stopped keeping quiet. He still thinks he is normal and I am not