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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bf doesn't compromise

83 replies

unk101 · 06/04/2023 07:51

Booked a date night away with partner and had planned to do cocktail bars, then do a rock/emo to end the night, but now he's saying he won't be going as he won't enjoy it and will ruin his night, where I have said we can do things he likes beforehand, then do the one thing I want to do at night, he doesn't think he is being unreasonable as he wants to enjoy his night but doesn't care if I don't enjoy my night as long as he gets to do things he likes?
And said I ain't to dress like a "goth" as he won't find it attractive.
I'm obviously annoyed as I had compromised to make the night good for both of us but he doesn't see what the issue is?

OP posts:

Changingplace · 06/04/2023 07:53

A compromise has to work both ways, did he pick the cocktail bars and you want to go to the club, or have you picked both? What suggestions has he made?

Original poster

unk101 · 06/04/2023 07:55

Changingplace · 06/04/2023 07:53

A compromise has to work both ways, did he pick the cocktail bars and you want to go to the club, or have you picked both? What suggestions has he made?

Yes he picked other places, I made the suggestion as it is my birthday weekend and it's something I would enjoy to end the night

OP posts:

custardbear · 06/04/2023 07:55

Imagine you whole life being like this, til you're 80+ ... no, it's not an attractive thing to have a selfish partner. I'd be organising a night out with a friend and get rid of the selfish excuse of a
Boyfriend

Shelby2010 · 06/04/2023 07:56

Go without him & find a new bf.

Seriously, this will set the tone for your whole relationship. He sounds selfish.

snitzelvoncrumb · 06/04/2023 07:57

Agree with PP. you don’t want to end up with someone like that.

Pashazade · 06/04/2023 07:58

So he doesn't care if you don't enjoy your birthday weekend and he's telling you how to dress? Hard no, move on, you either need someone who loves the same stuff you do or who is happy for you to go do your thing with friends. If I'm honest it's the telling you how to dress that bothers me most...seems like a slippery slope.

RockhoppersLovePoppers · 06/04/2023 07:58

Bin him off. If you dress gothy or alternative and he doesn't like it, he will just try to change you. You need someone to accept you for who you are. Plus, that's mean as fuck, it's your birthday!

I dress alternatively, my husband think my weird and wonderful outfits are great, and he loves me just as I am. Happy birthday. Take a friend instead and tell him to go fuck himself.

ExtraOnions · 06/04/2023 07:58

You are not compatible, move on before you get any more entangled

Shelby2010 · 06/04/2023 07:59

So it’s your birthday and he didn’t arrange to take you away - you did the planning/booking. And then he’s refusing to go along with your wishes for your birthday. Definitely selfish.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/04/2023 08:01

As soon as you typed the heading, that your boyfriend doesn't compromise, you should've known that he wasn't a keeper. Why would you want to be with somebody who doesn't compromise? When I read your actual post, he seemed very selfish. Throw him back in the sea.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 06/04/2023 08:02

I couldn’t stand anyone who said “ain’t” so I would sack him off for that, let alone the selfishness!

Spellcheck · 06/04/2023 08:02

Unfortunately it doesn’t sound as though he’s the one for you if he doesn’t share this interest you have that clearly means a lot to you.
He doesn’t even want to do this one thing for your sake, on your birthday. Even if he doesn’t share your interest in a rock/emo event, to say that you dressing like a goth would be unattractive to him is just horrible!
It sounds as though you’re going to be squashing down an important part of you and your personality just to please him. He sounds all wrong for you!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 06/04/2023 08:02

Get rid. Why waste your time with someone who refuses to compromise. Imagine the next 50 years like this 😱

Also, it’s your birthday, you absolutely should be doing something you want to do.

Get rid and go to the gig with a friend. Happy birthday!

Coraline353 · 06/04/2023 08:02

Why are you bending over backwards to change for him? Get rid.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 06/04/2023 08:05

Going againts the grain, but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.
Can you go alone to the emo thing?
Is it a concert/gig?

CantAskAnyoneElse · 06/04/2023 08:07

And actual compromise would be that you first soend time doing something both of you like, then do your own things.

Being dragged in to a concert you don’t want to go is awful!
Listening to music you don’t know/like, the other ’fans’ being crazy, the loudness/time it takes….
It all sucks so much.

LittleRedYarny · 06/04/2023 08:08

Look you already know it’s unreasonable behaviour because you’re posting here. There are no magic words you can use to completely alter a person, so this leaves you with two options…
A) Put up with this behaviour and fundamentally alter who you are so the relationship so your BF is kept happy(NOT RECOMMENDED)
B) Break up stating lack of compromise as the reason and go off and live your life (the recommended option)

Frozendaquiri · 06/04/2023 08:09

So have you changed the way you dress in order to appear more attractive to this man?

Original poster

unk101 · 06/04/2023 08:11

Frozendaquiri · 06/04/2023 08:09

So have you changed the way you dress in order to appear more attractive to this man?

I haven't no, he just doesn't find it attractive if we are going on a date night and dress how I dress

OP posts:

CheersForThatEh · 06/04/2023 08:13

You can and should do better.

Dont tie yourself to a man that tells you what to wear or coercively controls you.

Deathbyfluffy · 06/04/2023 08:14

He sounds like an idiot. Nothing makes me happier than my wife having a good time - I’d go along (especially if it’s her birthday) even if it wasn’t something I’m particularly into and I’d try and enjoy it too.

I might be biased as we’re both a bit gothy though! 😅

As for telling you how to dress… 🚩

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/04/2023 08:14

I’d expect compromise on a normal weekend but for the birthday girl/boy to get what they want.

KatherineJaneway · 06/04/2023 08:16

So it's all about him and stuff what you want?

CheersForThatEh · 06/04/2023 08:17

Iyou sound like you are early 20s and haven't yet figured out that there are lots of better options than a man that makes snide remarks to make sure you behave yourself as he wants:

How you dress - to look attractive...but only attractive enough for him...not other men, no he wouldnt want other men looking at you. I bet he trusts you just not them..
Where you go- he wont go so expects you not to (even though it's your weekend..which I expect he still expects you to pay 5050 for)

Life should be fun at this stage.

ohfook · 06/04/2023 08:18

I love rock music and my dh wouldn't know his slayer from his slipknot. From the start we've often compromised it's the only way it works if you're into really different things. Honestly some of our best nights have been things he's suggested that I was convinced I wouldn't enjoy at all. I realised after a while if you're out with someone who's company you enjoy and there's food/alcohol/music involved you're probably going to have fun as long as you get your head out of your arse. Maybe your dh needs to realise this too.

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