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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bf doesn't compromise

83 replies

unk101 · 06/04/2023 07:51

Booked a date night away with partner and had planned to do cocktail bars, then do a rock/emo to end the night, but now he's saying he won't be going as he won't enjoy it and will ruin his night, where I have said we can do things he likes beforehand, then do the one thing I want to do at night, he doesn't think he is being unreasonable as he wants to enjoy his night but doesn't care if I don't enjoy my night as long as he gets to do things he likes?
And said I ain't to dress like a "goth" as he won't find it attractive.
I'm obviously annoyed as I had compromised to make the night good for both of us but he doesn't see what the issue is?

OP posts:

easterbunnysbum · 06/04/2023 08:20

I don't think a compromise means doing something you don't like, I think it means finding something you both like or at least can tolerate or find interesting while you are with each other.

It doesn't sound like you are compatible

Paq · 06/04/2023 08:26

ExtraOnions · 06/04/2023 07:58

You are not compatible, move on before you get any more entangled

This. You just don't like doing the same things.

Naunet · 06/04/2023 08:27

CantAskAnyoneElse · 06/04/2023 08:07

And actual compromise would be that you first soend time doing something both of you like, then do your own things.

Being dragged in to a concert you don’t want to go is awful!
Listening to music you don’t know/like, the other ’fans’ being crazy, the loudness/time it takes….
It all sucks so much.

Oh yeah, how horrifying to be expected to put yourself out a bit for your girlfriends birthday, the woman you’re meant to love! Utterly selfish. Then add to that he tells you how to dress…this is not the one OP.

Gladiaterf · 06/04/2023 08:28

Some people have very strong feelings about music, and if he really hates the type of club you want to go to then maybe you should do something else.

My DH is into metal/prog, and I absolutely hate it. I wouldn't want to go to an industrial or doom metal night even on his birthday.

Naunet · 06/04/2023 08:30

Has he planned anything for your birthday OP?

Bunce1 · 06/04/2023 08:30

I would rather eat my own hair than go to a rock concert but I would happily wave you off with some of your mates and enjoy a couple of drinks with you beforehand somewhere we both liked.

Frozendaquiri · 06/04/2023 08:32

easterbunnysbum · 06/04/2023 08:20

I don't think a compromise means doing something you don't like, I think it means finding something you both like or at least can tolerate or find interesting while you are with each other.

It doesn't sound like you are compatible

I agree. This seems very juvenile as though they're taking turns.

Do things you both enjoy together, and your own things with your own friends.

Pesimistic · 06/04/2023 08:34

Your not compatible

Greenfairydust · 06/04/2023 08:40

So it is your birthday and he can't even be bothered to try to do something you will really enjoy?

Get rid of this one and his selfish, ''me, me, me' attitude.

Topseyt123 · 06/04/2023 08:40

Bunce1 · 06/04/2023 08:30

I would rather eat my own hair than go to a rock concert but I would happily wave you off with some of your mates and enjoy a couple of drinks with you beforehand somewhere we both liked.

Yes, surely this is the compromise.

Either that or you just aren't compatible. To be honest, what you are proposing sounds like my idea of hell so yes, I might have a drink or a meal with you earlier, but then if you wanted to go clubbing (never something I have ever liked or been comfortable with) then I would suggest that you go with another friend.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 08:43

If his preferences always have to be prioritised, you're on a hiding to nowhere.

BogRollBOGOF · 06/04/2023 08:44

You're not compatible. He doesn't get to dictate doing everything his own way, particularly for your birthday.

Compromise can be taking turns to give and take, it can be finding a mutually compatible alternative. Sacrificing what makes you tick every time is not a happy life.

Mumsanetta · 06/04/2023 08:44

In the nicest possible way, the fact that you haven’t told your bf where to go suggests that you have low self esteem. Have you considered therapy to help you build your self esteem? You sound young and therapy when you’re young could be the best gift that you give your older self as it will hopefully mean that you learn to spot and swerve men like your bf in the future.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/04/2023 08:52

No man would tell me how to dress.(unless I was going rock climbing in flip flops), so bin him off, go with a friend and have a blast.

Bintymcbintface · 06/04/2023 09:07

Get rid of the douche. Not wanting to do something you'd like on your birthday and trying to tell you how to dress?! Fuck that, goth yourself up and look hot as hell as you wave goodbye to him on your way out

toddlermumx · 06/04/2023 10:10

I could not be with someone who was unable to compromise, especially on your birthday weekend!! Me and my partner are very different in ways and will always take turns doing things that makes the other one happy; especially on their birthday!

Itsbytheby · 06/04/2023 10:15

It sounds like you are just incompatible.

I wouldn't do something I really hated - say hunting - just because my bf wanted to and because I got to choose the activity before it. So if my bf was insistent on making me do something I really felt strongly I didn't want to do by telling me I needed to compromise that would put me off him.

that said, him refusing to give your interests a chance isn't great for your joint future and him telling you how to dress is obviously inappropriate too.

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2023 10:17

What are his good points?

TheNoodlesIncident · 06/04/2023 10:23

I can understand that he wouldn't want to do something that he really doesn't like. But it's your birthday celebration, so if you want to do something he's not keen on then he should do something first that you both like (the cocktails? A meal out?) and then wave you off happily to enjoy your own thing with a friend who also enjoys it. He shouldn't criticise anything about the part you've chosen.

If he has form for always wanting his way and criticising what you do and what you wear, he's not a keeper. Chuck him back, there will be other nicer blokes out there.

aSofaNearYou · 06/04/2023 10:37

God, he sounded like a twat before you even mentioned it was your birthday. But that just makes him mind bogglingly self absorbed - if ever there was a time you would expect not to pick the activity and for it to suit the other person, it's that. Don't settle for this guy.

Kittenmitten22 · 06/04/2023 18:48

Please, for the love of all that is good in this workd.. bin him!

Compromise is a big thing in a relationship, and for him to not want to do what you want to do on YOUR birthday, says a lot. His comments are even worse.

Do not change anything for this man.

EvilLynz26 · 06/04/2023 18:49

I mean...

Stompythedinosaur · 06/04/2023 18:51

Selfishness is so unattractive.

You know this isn't the behaviour of someone in a loving relationship.

The bottom line is, he doesn't care about your happiness, only his own. It would be normal, on a birthday night out, to do all venues you like.

MaireadMcSweeney · 06/04/2023 18:55

I would do some things for my partner's birthday that I wasn't that into but I wouldn't go to a club night. Late night + alcohol + music and vibe I don't enjoy? It's a no.

Welshmonster · 06/04/2023 20:47

Why would you make him do something he won’t enjoy. Do something you both like then go with like minded friends and family yes it’s your birthday but you won’t enjoy it knowing BF is just bored.
my husband and I only do things we both like together as there’s no point paying for me to watch football as I just sit on my phone the entire time!!

the other stuff though means he needs to go. Someone that says you’re not attractive is not a keeper. It may not be to their taste but that is a comment you keep in your head!

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