Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL trying to override me?

82 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 05/04/2023 21:31

I have a reasonable relationship with my parents in law. We’ve had some minor ups and downs but we’ve always been civil and polite to one another. They travel a lot so are not always available, but this week we have asked them to help a little (just one day a week of childcare) as it’s Easter break at nursery and I still need to work.

Yesterday my MIL asked me how much my DD weighed because she was going to get a car seat. I gave her the info, and said it would need to be one that covers Group 1 as she’s less than 13.5kg and three years old. She told me today that she bought one that was Group 2 (for four year olds) and that she thought it would be “fine” as she was “close”. It wasn’t a question- she just stated that she thought it was fine and so she’d keep it.

Then she said that next week on the day she was going to drive my DD to their house and look after her from there instead of staying at our house. It’s a bit of a drive (with said car seat.. which I’m obviously going to have to demand she doesn’t use and provide another) and it’s not ideal because I won’t have a car to pick her up and so will need to rely on my MIL bringing her back etc. it’s the way it’s been posed that is getting to me- it wasn’t a question: it was “I am going to..” as she left. Leaving no room for discussion.

Am I being unreasonable to think that her approaching these things - just stating her intentions rather than approaching as a discussion- is wrong? It’s really irritating me and puts me in a difficult position because I then need to “make a thing” about it rather than it being something we should be able to discuss in the first place!

OP posts:
Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 05/04/2023 21:37

I purchased the car seats for the grandparents to use in their car

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 21:40

You cannot demand that they provide another, provide the car seat you want!

pinksheetss · 05/04/2023 21:40

YABU
If you are asking for childcare and they prefer to do it at their own house then I don't see an issue with that. You can't expect someone to spend the whole day at yours and looking after children when they have their own lives too

YANBU with the car seat.

RhodaDendron · 05/04/2023 21:40

Can your DP have the confrontation instead?
I would borrow or rent the correct seat so she has no excuse.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 21:41

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 05/04/2023 21:37

I purchased the car seats for the grandparents to use in their car

Of course you did!

Original poster
Daisiesonthelawn · 05/04/2023 21:41

We have one that’s for them to use (that’s the right size) but she really wanted to get one herself. I don’t know why. And I’ve offered to pay for a permanent one for her car but I’m hesitant to pay for one that’s the wrong size 😁

OP posts:
Honeypickle · 05/04/2023 21:42

Yep I bought all the extra car seats for all the different GPS cars!

Theunamedcat · 05/04/2023 21:43

Make other arrangements this will not end well

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 21:43

Daisiesonthelawn · 05/04/2023 21:41

We have one that’s for them to use (that’s the right size) but she really wanted to get one herself. I don’t know why. And I’ve offered to pay for a permanent one for her car but I’m hesitant to pay for one that’s the wrong size 😁

Well tell her (or Dp tells her) either use this or don't put DGC in the car

Partyandbullshit · 05/04/2023 21:45

YAB very U in expecting your child’s grandparents to come to your house to babysit your child so you can work!! The car seat thing….personally I’d be relaxed about it as she’s not a tiny baby anymore.

You gave yourself away with the word “available”. Your in laws are doing you a favour. You are in no position to expect or demand. Take it or leave it.

Heroicallyfound · 05/04/2023 21:46

This isn’t about the car seat, it’s about her communication and that she doesn’t see you as the mother. Put her right and tell her that when it concerns your daughter she needs to consult you, not tell you things. It will save more pain in future if you’re up front about this.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 21:46

If you're happy to get the right car seat but she will refuse to use it, you're better off getting someone else to mind the kids.

Albiboba · 05/04/2023 21:47

I don’t know why you would expect them to ask you to be at their own house for the day? Who would want to spend a whole day in someone else’s house when they could be comfortable in their own home?

StopFeckingFaffing · 05/04/2023 21:50

The car seat situation is easily remedied just explain that you can provide the appropriate car seat for her to use next week and the new one she has bought can be used once DD is older.

I'm not sure why you would mind them preferring to do childcare at their own house rather than at your house as there are lots of reasons why that would be more practical for them. They are still willing to provide the childcare which is the important thing.

EezyOozy · 05/04/2023 21:51

I think the answer here is - don’t use her for childcare.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 21:51

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 21:46

If you're happy to get the right car seat but she will refuse to use it, you're better off getting someone else to mind the kids.

I don't think it's a big deal that she's taking the kids to hers though. She's doing you a favour. If she's happy to collect and drop off, just be grateful. There's not really any reason for her to stay at yours and babysit unless she's planning on bringing them back at a ridiculous time (like half way though the night), which I doubt will happen.

Namechangedagain20 · 05/04/2023 21:55

@Partyandbullshit the child is 1.5kg under the weight limit for the car seat. The car seat will not have been crash tested for a child that weight and won’t adequately protect the child if they were in a crash.

@Daisiesonthelawn YANBU to expect a proper sized car seat to be used. YABU to expect them to do childcare at your house.

Original poster
Daisiesonthelawn · 05/04/2023 22:01

I do understand that taking my DD to her house for the day is not a big deal. I would never tell them they can’t do this- it’s just the feeling of being told what’s happening rather than it ever being a discussion. And the worry around the car seat that she’s insisting on using!

To everyone who’s suggested I don’t use them for childcare. You don’t realise how eager they are (when they’re in the country at least) to see and look after my DD. I would never refuse them that. It’s just the not approaching things as a conversation that I find really difficult!

OP posts:
Partyandbullshit · 05/04/2023 22:09

But what is there to discuss? You asked, then said yes, what else is there? Presumably you’ll tell (not discuss) re food / clothes / routine etc. They will look after your child.

@Namechangedagain20 I have two children who have both grown through every stage of car seat. I know how it works. I would be relaxed about it, as I said.

WitheredandOld · 05/04/2023 22:14

Why do they have to ask for permission to take your child to theirs? They are doing you a massive favour. Pay for childcare if it’s such an issue.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 05/04/2023 22:16

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 21:41

Of course you did!

Show quote history

Why the unspoken question mark? My son in law bought a car seat for me and a travel system to use when I looked after my grandchild three days a week . The car seat was new but the travel system was second hand.
It saved lot of faffing about.

Tigger1895 · 05/04/2023 22:17

I’d explain that the seat they purchased could be illegal and if they drive the child they are open to being fined.

Coffeellama · 05/04/2023 22:17

If you are ok with the kids going to her house (as you should be when she’s doing you a favour), then why do you actually NEED to discuss it? What’s the discussion? You either trust her with your kids or you don’t. An fyi is totally fine. But yes insist on using your car seat.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 05/04/2023 22:19

If ever there's something not to be relaxed about, car seat safety for children is most definitely it. Have the conversation about it for sure.

Natty13 · 05/04/2023 22:35

As a blanket rule anyone (aside from DH obv) who tells me they are "going to" do something with my kids as if I don't have a say, the answer is no. I have no problem being seen as difficult where it comes to my kids.

People need to know their place in your life and if they can make the choice to be respectful then everyone is much happier for it.