Is my MIL trying to override me?

[Daisiesonthelawn]

I have a reasonable relationship with my parents in law. We’ve had some minor ups and downs but we’ve always been civil and polite to one another. They travel a lot so are not always available, but this week we have asked them to help a little (just one day a week of childcare) as it’s Easter break at nursery and I still need to work.

Yesterday my MIL asked me how much my DD weighed because she was going to get a car seat. I gave her the info, and said it would need to be one that covers Group 1 as she’s less than 13.5kg and three years old. She told me today that she bought one that was Group 2 (for four year olds) and that she thought it would be “fine” as she was “close”. It wasn’t a question- she just stated that she thought it was fine and so she’d keep it.

Then she said that next week on the day she was going to drive my DD to their house and look after her from there instead of staying at our house. It’s a bit of a drive (with said car seat.. which I’m obviously going to have to demand she doesn’t use and provide another) and it’s not ideal because I won’t have a car to pick her up and so will need to rely on my MIL bringing her back etc. it’s the way it’s been posed that is getting to me- it wasn’t a question: it was “I am going to..” as she left. Leaving no room for discussion.

Am I being unreasonable to think that her approaching these things - just stating her intentions rather than approaching as a discussion- is wrong? It’s really irritating me and puts me in a difficult position because I then need to “make a thing” about it rather than it being something we should be able to discuss in the first place!

What’s the difference between a stage 1 and stage 2 car seat?

Is your MIL my MIL?

Size and safety. Group 1 also normally rear-face, but a lot of group 2 do not.

I have 6 grandchildren from 18 years to 2 years. Their parents have always bought the car seats for them to go in my car. In return, I've saved them a fortune in childcare fees and they are confident that they are in the correct seat.

The only problem here is the carseat.

Grandparents often need re-education on carseats. I'm sure that when I am a grandparent, and my dd is explaining to me that the 15-year-old needs to rear-facing, I will say, "Well you all survived!" As my parents did to me (I survived no carseats) and their parents did to them (they survived no seatbelts).

Find a diplomatic but firm way forward on the carseat. There is no compromising on safety.

But from then on... grandparents are family, not childcare. They will not take your directions on basic parenting. Hold your tongue on all but safety. And assuming their home is safe, of course MIL would rather spend her day there. You should have seen that coming.

OP you are on mumsnet where grandparents never help with childcare and parents are entitled bastards for even considering it. You were never going to get another answer here because it involves grandparent childcare, even though the GPs in your case clearly desperately want to.

For what it’s worth, I would not let my child go in an inappropriate weight car seat. It’s my job to protect them, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Things were very different even 30 years ago, much less strict, and the rules are there because they reduce fatalities and life changing injuries. In this case, it’s probably your DH’s job as it’s his parents. You need to be prepared that each of you take short notice carers leave for a day if he can’t resolve it. It sounds like you have a suitable car seat for them to use. He needs to insist.

If you have a stage 1 car seat just tell your MIL she can use that for the time being. It seems it won’t be long before your dd will fit the stage 2 that MIL bought.

Im not really seeing the problem here.

You asked your MIL to look after DD. MIL agreed and wants to take DD to her house for the day instead of staying at yours. You have a car seat she can use. Am I missing something?

When she arrives can you change the car seat over?

Keep hers with you so she can't change it back?

If you took your daughter to hers would she still need to use the car seat?

Why aren't you providing the car seat ? Why are you expecting her tonne unconvinienced at your house. They are doing you a favour not the other way round
Yabvu

Whats annoying you?
The car seat? You want your daughter to be safe so supply a car seat
Looking after her at MILs house? She's looking after child for your convenience. Not Unreasonable to want to do it in your own home. Choice should be MILs and you should facilitate.
Her not 'asking'? I think it's quite acceptable to say 'Do you know what, l think I'll have grandchild at mine instead'...if you didn't agree why didn't you speak up there and then

She clearly irritates you so get your OH to deal with this.

If you were asking your friend how she felt about you using that name because you liked it I'd be OK with that
What you're actually asking though (I think) is can we use this name to 'honour' your daughter. This puts your friend in an awkward position...either she says yes or no. No makes you feel awkward and her 'off', but Yes makes it sound like she's 'for' this and thinks it's a lovely idea.
I would imagine she's thinking 'Really? Why?'

Were you very close to this girl? Is your OH on board with both the name and yhe sentiment? It seems odd to me...that doesn't mean it's wrong though but just be aware your friend might think it's odd too....but itsca middle name, so I doubt she'll object

Not when he was choking on his vomit, thanks!

Oh stop with the patronising! Of course we tried lots things but the only thing that worked was forward facing. Stop trying to make me feel bad.

The ignorance around car-seat safety in this country always baffles me. Just because something is “legal” , doesn’t mean it is “safe”.
car-seat safety is non-negotiable for me so if GP take my LO out, I provide the car seat.
politely explain to her that the seat she bought isn’t safe and you’ll either provide one/pay for a new one or she can babysit at your home.
I don’t think someone should “suck it up” so to speak , having their child in an unsafe seat, just because a grandmother has been good enough to offer childcare.

Buy a car seat and give it to them. My inlaws didn't get car seats at all and were like boosters are fine. So I brought them seats.

We went something like this but checked saftey rating. Not sure how thos one rates.
https://www.halfords.com/baby-and-child/car-seats/toddler-car-seats/halfords-essentials-group-1%2F2%2F3-child-car-seat-131670.html?cm_mmc=Google+PLA--Motoring%3EChild+Seats%3EToddler+Car+Seats--Motoring%3EChild+Seats%3EToddler+Car+Seats--131670&$ja=tsid:|cid:17136607329|agid:|tid:|crid:|nw:x|rnd:16726626167790225545|dvc:m|adp:|mt:|loc:9046776&gclid=Cj0KCQjw27mhBhC9ARIsAIFsETHcpAUhmuTIuobsAo10-0As7PdtwYG9DN3zh9UjK1UbApDpWQkDPyoaAiAeEALw_wcB

The car seat is not illegal. It just isn't what the guidelines recommend these days.

Car seats have changed a lot since my children were born (in their twenties now, all three of them). When my eldest DD (28 now) was born you could, as far as I remember, only get rearward facing car seats up until the child was about 9 months of age. Thereafter, they were forward facing.

If I ever become a grandparent I will happily use whatever car seats my own daughters and their partners are happiest with.

It sounds like your MIL is making the mistake of thinking of car seats like children's clothes, and buying ahead for the child to grow into. That isn't how it works though. Not with car seats.

Why not? If you know you have a different attitude towards car seats, isn't that the simplest way to not let it be an issue?

I don't feel bad! I prioritised my child not choking on his sick. We didn't have an accident. Nothing happened. He's not decapitated. Don't you worry :)

My post to the other person was they said minimum is 4 years and it's not. Minimum is 15months. That was it. Not about what's safer or what's not blah blah. Literally just that it is 15months minimum. Christ I need a gin after this.

Sorry for derailing your thread op! Hope you/husband get it sorted with MIL but to me you just need to provide a new seat and that's the end of it 🤷