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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL trying to override me?

82 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 05/04/2023 21:31

I have a reasonable relationship with my parents in law. We’ve had some minor ups and downs but we’ve always been civil and polite to one another. They travel a lot so are not always available, but this week we have asked them to help a little (just one day a week of childcare) as it’s Easter break at nursery and I still need to work.

Yesterday my MIL asked me how much my DD weighed because she was going to get a car seat. I gave her the info, and said it would need to be one that covers Group 1 as she’s less than 13.5kg and three years old. She told me today that she bought one that was Group 2 (for four year olds) and that she thought it would be “fine” as she was “close”. It wasn’t a question- she just stated that she thought it was fine and so she’d keep it.

Then she said that next week on the day she was going to drive my DD to their house and look after her from there instead of staying at our house. It’s a bit of a drive (with said car seat.. which I’m obviously going to have to demand she doesn’t use and provide another) and it’s not ideal because I won’t have a car to pick her up and so will need to rely on my MIL bringing her back etc. it’s the way it’s been posed that is getting to me- it wasn’t a question: it was “I am going to..” as she left. Leaving no room for discussion.

Am I being unreasonable to think that her approaching these things - just stating her intentions rather than approaching as a discussion- is wrong? It’s really irritating me and puts me in a difficult position because I then need to “make a thing” about it rather than it being something we should be able to discuss in the first place!

OP posts:
TomeTome · 05/04/2023 22:53

Just say you’d like them to use the right car seat for her weight but that you will provide it.

Triffid1 · 05/04/2023 23:37

Yanbu re car seat. Tell her she must use the correct seat, which you are happy to provide.

Yabvu regarding her house. Of course its not a discussion. You have asked her to look after dd. She has made plans accordingly and is informing you. I'll she wants to take dd to soft play must she ask your permission? If they decide to go out for lunch must she discuss it with her first?

EllandRd · 05/04/2023 23:39

Daisiesonthelawn · 05/04/2023 21:31

I have a reasonable relationship with my parents in law. We’ve had some minor ups and downs but we’ve always been civil and polite to one another. They travel a lot so are not always available, but this week we have asked them to help a little (just one day a week of childcare) as it’s Easter break at nursery and I still need to work.

Yesterday my MIL asked me how much my DD weighed because she was going to get a car seat. I gave her the info, and said it would need to be one that covers Group 1 as she’s less than 13.5kg and three years old. She told me today that she bought one that was Group 2 (for four year olds) and that she thought it would be “fine” as she was “close”. It wasn’t a question- she just stated that she thought it was fine and so she’d keep it.

Then she said that next week on the day she was going to drive my DD to their house and look after her from there instead of staying at our house. It’s a bit of a drive (with said car seat.. which I’m obviously going to have to demand she doesn’t use and provide another) and it’s not ideal because I won’t have a car to pick her up and so will need to rely on my MIL bringing her back etc. it’s the way it’s been posed that is getting to me- it wasn’t a question: it was “I am going to..” as she left. Leaving no room for discussion.

Am I being unreasonable to think that her approaching these things - just stating her intentions rather than approaching as a discussion- is wrong? It’s really irritating me and puts me in a difficult position because I then need to “make a thing” about it rather than it being something we should be able to discuss in the first place!

YABU, she has a perfectly adequate car seat for the little one, be a bit more grateful or look after your own child.

Original poster
Daisiesonthelawn · 05/04/2023 23:46

EllandRd · 05/04/2023 23:39

YABU, she has a perfectly adequate car seat for the little one, be a bit more grateful or look after your own child.

Show quote history

Gosh. I’m pretty sure the car seat would be illegal and unsafe but okay!

OP posts:
DrMeredithGrey2023 · 06/04/2023 07:41

YABU, she has a perfectly adequate car seat for the little one, be a bit more grateful or look after your own child.

It's not adequate. It's the incorrect size for her daughter.

Lovingitallnow · 06/04/2023 07:46

You don't need to wait for someone else to open a discussion. You can do it yourself. It's just different styles of speaking. In the first instance I'd have said straight away has it got straps and what is the weight it's for? Unfortunately it's not suitable, why don't we buy you a proper one. For the second on if it's not an issue leave it. But if your issue is that she makes a statement instead of a request then that's not a big deal, just answer as though it's a request.

ememem84 · 06/04/2023 07:50

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 21:41

Of course you did!

Show quote history

I did this. My mum and dad weren’t sure which to buy so we bought the same as in our car for them.

Sceptre86 · 06/04/2023 07:52

You can't dictate how or where they do the childcare, if you did mil would be well within her rights to take care of your own kid just as many others do.

The car seat thing is more problematic but surely your oh can speak to her to and tell her that she can't move to the stage 2 one yet so you'll just give her the stage 1 to borrow. It might be better coming from him or her than yourself mil might get ingress of a hump.

Mochinated · 06/04/2023 07:58

They are expensive and they are likely trying to save money by getting the next one up thinking they won't have to buy two!

I bought extra Group 1 car seats, because my mum would have done the exact same thing. You have to understand that when they were raising their kids, car seat laws were different and definitely there was not the concern that there is now. They won't be up to date on the research or laws. I've found it easier to set a hard boundary rather than argue with my mum to try and convince her that the modern way of doing things really is better for the child!

Set the boundary now and don't be angry about it, treat them as if they had all best intentions and it was an honest mistake. Just give them the correct car seat and show them how to use it.

MrsMischiefOnTour · 06/04/2023 08:01

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thegrain · 06/04/2023 08:09

Be careful not to conflate the issue. There is nothing wrong with not asking to take your child to their house. I would have assumed that's what she'd be doing anyway. At that age if they know they can get to you they will!

The car seat is where your DH must put his foot down. That is unsafe. If she ignored this and drops your child back in the new car seat then never trust her with your child again.

Topseyt123 · 06/04/2023 08:15

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 21:41

Of course you did!

Show quote history

Purchasing car seats for use in grandparents' cars surely isn't unusual. It's what I would have done if my parents or PILs were going to provide any regular form of childcare.

Why the snarky, disbelieving remarks?

OP, you are correct about not wanting your MIL to use a potentially unsafe car seat. I'd be saying that your DD can only go in their car if they either provide the correct car seat themselves or allow you to do it.

Puppers · 06/04/2023 08:18

EllandRd · 05/04/2023 23:39

YABU, she has a perfectly adequate car seat for the little one, be a bit more grateful or look after your own child.

Show quote history

It isn’t adequate. There’s no grey area or room to be “relaxed” about car seats as per another PP. They are either safety tested and the correct size for the child, or they aren’t. This one isn’t.

Given the potential outcome for a child in an unsafe seat, it’s just not something that any sensible parent would mess around with. You make sure your child is safe. That’s your responsibility, both legally and morally. That’s all OP is doing. The fact that her MIL is doing her a favour doesn’t mean OP has to allow her to take unnecessary safety risks.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/04/2023 08:19

I think YABU.

You want them to do the childcare, she can do it at her house and seems happy to pick up and drop off.
What's the issue with that? Either you are happy to then your child in their care or not.

Re the seat I think you need to buy the car seat you want them to use or show them options and let them choose from those.

JKTrolling · 06/04/2023 08:20

Just tell her no. End the conversation there. If she has a problem with it let her moan. She gets to see your children if she calms down.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/04/2023 08:21

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Well that's not correct though, is it? Since the law states rear facing until 15 months or something. Not 4 .. why lie?

Just because it would be ideal for rear facing for longer doesn't mean they have to..

MrsMischiefOnTour · 06/04/2023 08:25

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DelphiniumBlue · 06/04/2023 08:27

You can just say that DD is a bit too small for that car seat right now, so here's the right one to use, just till she gets a bit bigger. No need to make a fuss. MiL probably bought the bigger one thinking that DD is almost at the stated size for it so it would be ok.
And politically, maybe best for her son to have that conversation with her. Why do you feel it needs to be you? And why would you assume that the babysitting will be at your house?
None of this is challenging you, it's just another adult making what they probably think are non contentious choices.

BoredatHome321 · 06/04/2023 08:31

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy front facing at 15 months really isn't safe. Just because the law states you can doesn't mean you should.

quietnightmare · 06/04/2023 08:36

Really confused. When MIL picks the baby up give her your baby and YOUR car seat. Then either go and pick your baby up and the car seat or MIL brings back your baby and then gives you the car seat. I have no idea what the issue is

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/04/2023 08:40

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Underlining your post with "minimum 4" is the lie because the minimum is what the law states which is much much less than your 4 years!

And I'll tell you now, it wasnt safe for my child who would vomit every single time we rear faced and became a choking hazard! Those journeys were hell. As soon as we forward faced he was totally fine. I don't need some "serious education", thanks for the patronising comment. We need to weigh up what's best for our children.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/04/2023 08:42

quietnightmare · 06/04/2023 08:36

Really confused. When MIL picks the baby up give her your baby and YOUR car seat. Then either go and pick your baby up and the car seat or MIL brings back your baby and then gives you the car seat. I have no idea what the issue is

Well isofix car seats aren't made for swapping out of cars willy nilly. And if granny is going to be doing childcare then it makes sense for her to have her own car seat. Op/dh should have given choices or gone with them to choose together

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/04/2023 08:43

DelphiniumBlue · 06/04/2023 08:27

You can just say that DD is a bit too small for that car seat right now, so here's the right one to use, just till she gets a bit bigger. No need to make a fuss. MiL probably bought the bigger one thinking that DD is almost at the stated size for it so it would be ok.
And politically, maybe best for her son to have that conversation with her. Why do you feel it needs to be you? And why would you assume that the babysitting will be at your house?
None of this is challenging you, it's just another adult making what they probably think are non contentious choices.

Exactly. All of this.

Conkersinautumn · 06/04/2023 08:43

Why on earth are you trusting this woman with your child? You'll have to find some reliable and responsible childcare.

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 08:47

Daisiesonthelawn · 05/04/2023 23:46

Gosh. I’m pretty sure the car seat would be illegal and unsafe but okay!

Show quote history

Illegal???? Come off it. Do you think there are patrols of police going round arresting people with the wrong size car seat? Wise up. You are massively over thinking and I feel really sorry for your husband, child and parents in law. You are hugely over protective.