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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle my inheritance row!

677 replies

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 15:41

Long story short, my parents signed their house over to me 10+ years ago, under the caveat that they could live there until the end of their days. This house is my inheritance, as stated in their will.
My mum passed away and my dad can’t afford to stay in the house or manage its upkeep any more. He has a disastrous relationship with money and is basically destitute.
I agreed to sell the house and buy a flat for him, to live in rent free, all he has to pay is his cost. He now demands money from me as I am making a profit from the sale of the house. I don’t want to give him any, it’s my inheritance! AIBU?

OP posts:
DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/04/2023 19:08

ancientpants · 05/04/2023 18:50

What an absolutely splendid drip feed. Irrespective of the legalities your position is immoral. If the relationship and back story was so bad: go no contact. If this is true you are a grifter.

And this is a splendid total lack of understanding of the actual situation.

Nocutenamesleft · 05/04/2023 19:09

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 17:00

I am not really after legal advice, as my dad and the house are not in the UK, it was more of a moral question. And now I know what a bad daughter I am!

Like I said, there is a back story to this that I don’t want to go into. I am the one who will have to live with the decision in the end.

Show quote history

So you want to know the answer to a question but don’t want to provide any sort of information or past into this? So no one can really know the answer to your question or why you behave the way you do or why they do.

just like Mumsnet 😂😂

Danielle8p · 05/04/2023 19:10

@LetMeExplain I'm disgusted. Either pay the maintenence so your dad can live in HIS house or buy him a flat and give him the remainder of his money from the sale from HIS house. This shouldn't even be a question

Justmeandthedog1 · 05/04/2023 19:11

If he is not good with money and is only going to accumulate debt there’s no point in giving him the “ profit” on the house.
You could provide a flat and maybe cover a basic bill, the equivalent of council tax, water or electricity. Or arrange a food delivery each week/fortnight/ month if that’s possible. But no the house was handed over to you, so your house. Prices could have dropped and been worth less than when it was given.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/04/2023 19:12

Cosmos123 · 05/04/2023 17:51

'I don't want to give him any'

Listen to yourself. Shame on you.
Treating your own father like this.

Show quote history

RTFT so that you understand why she doesn’t want to give him any money.

Nocutenamesleft · 05/04/2023 19:12

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 17:26

Again, I can’t quite keep up but the house was originally put in my name because my mum knew that he would just piss it all away. As I said, there is a bit of a back story involving a man who cannot deal with money and several bankruptcies…

I know he can’t afford to live there. But can you ultimately say I’m not going to buy you a house? And you’ve got to stay there and work out how to heat it etc? If he uses up the money tied to the house to keep it that would be ok?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/04/2023 19:16

Rudicoolcat · 05/04/2023 18:27

You are coming across as a little grabby... Inheritance is received after death not during their lifetime. Your poor dad.....

It’s not an inheritance. Soooooo many people assuming this. Was signed over to the OP ten years ago - she owns it. And her poor dad is a disaster with money so this was designed to protect him from himself. Maybe RTFT before posting like this.

viques · 05/04/2023 19:16

If I were your dad I would be applying to my local authority for a care home , I reckon as soon as the vunerable adults team in your local authority hear about you they will be going over your finances and “ownership” with a fine tooth comb.

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/04/2023 19:19

So many are missing the point that, had the parents not gifted the house to OP when they did, there would now be no house or money to talk of. It would have gone long ago on settling the father's debts incurred through financial fecklessness. Mother would have died homeless, father would also be homeless. He STILL owes his creditors more than the value of the house. He has been made bankrupt. Without OP taking ownership of the house, he wouldn't have a pot to piss in. She has done him a huge favour. It sounds like he can afford his living costs in the new smaller flat from his own income (pension perhaps?) but wants more. Of course he does.

ssd · 05/04/2023 19:19

Good lord op Shock

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/04/2023 19:20

Danielle8p · 05/04/2023 19:10

@LetMeExplain I'm disgusted. Either pay the maintenence so your dad can live in HIS house or buy him a flat and give him the remainder of his money from the sale from HIS house. This shouldn't even be a question

The OP owns the house - both parents made the decision to sign it over legally ten years ago. Her father isn’t entitled to anything from the sale of the house as it belongs to the OP - her only obligation is to make sure he is properly housed for the rest of his life. He pisses money away and has accumulated massive debt, which is why her mum arranged things this way. That in mind, do tell what you think would be the point of giving her dad money that’s only going to be wasted and more debt accumulated ?

allmyliesaretrue · 05/04/2023 19:21

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/04/2023 19:19

So many are missing the point that, had the parents not gifted the house to OP when they did, there would now be no house or money to talk of. It would have gone long ago on settling the father's debts incurred through financial fecklessness. Mother would have died homeless, father would also be homeless. He STILL owes his creditors more than the value of the house. He has been made bankrupt. Without OP taking ownership of the house, he wouldn't have a pot to piss in. She has done him a huge favour. It sounds like he can afford his living costs in the new smaller flat from his own income (pension perhaps?) but wants more. Of course he does.

Exactly this!

Sometimes I do worry about the human species...

Bartlebum · 05/04/2023 19:21

I voted you are being unreasonable, but having read your updates I think that you should go ahead and sell the house and give your dad that flat. Of course the profits will legally be yours anyway so you don't need to worry about that side of things. Morally, It sounds much more grey than the first post makes out.

If you can't work out what to do for sure ask yourself what your mum would want. Sounds like she would want you to have some inheritance, your dad to be taking care of - as he is, and not have everything she worked for all her life frittered away because someone can't manage money.

HeckyPeck · 05/04/2023 19:23

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 17:37

@IncompleteSenten I am tempted to give it all back and just step away! You are spot on with the toxic relationship.

Show quote history

I've just read your posts OP because I could see you were getting ridiculous replies and didn't want to feed those posters!

It sounds like your mum wanted you to have to money and she knew what your dad was like (& that he's already wasted some of her money), so I'd keep the money, buy the flat in your name and let him live there for the rest of his days.

Don't let his toxicity deprive you of the gift your Mum wanted to give you.

Rudicoolcat · 05/04/2023 19:24

Op says her dad is practically destitute, but insists her right to his property is decent.... Yup, I think I comprehend this pretty well. Asking randoms on the internet to validate her feelings of entitlement is just asking for a mudslinging....

Lellochip · 05/04/2023 19:25

Rudicoolcat · 05/04/2023 19:24

Op says her dad is practically destitute, but insists her right to his property is decent.... Yup, I think I comprehend this pretty well. Asking randoms on the internet to validate her feelings of entitlement is just asking for a mudslinging....

He's destitute through his own terrible money management and bad decisions

allmyliesaretrue · 05/04/2023 19:26

Rudicoolcat · 05/04/2023 19:24

Op says her dad is practically destitute, but insists her right to his property is decent.... Yup, I think I comprehend this pretty well. Asking randoms on the internet to validate her feelings of entitlement is just asking for a mudslinging....

Will you read the goddamn thread before making stupid comments!

SilverBirchWithout · 05/04/2023 19:26

At some point tax will need to have been paid. You are permitted to gift items up to the value of £3,000 per year, presumably the house value was more than this limit 10 years ago? Have you already paid the tax OP?
I think you may have bigger problems than the moral obligation to support your DF!

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/04/2023 19:27

viques · 05/04/2023 19:16

If I were your dad I would be applying to my local authority for a care home , I reckon as soon as the vunerable adults team in your local authority hear about you they will be going over your finances and “ownership” with a fine tooth comb.

And presumably the LA will find it all to be above board because it was done legally, ten years ago and well before there was any likelihood of either parent needing full time care- so not deprivation of assets. In the unlikely event that they deem the house does belong to him the LA wouldn’t benefit because that being the case, the house would have to be sold to pay his debts, so nothing left for care. If the OP is found to own the house legally then there is no legal obligation for her to sell it to pay for his care - although there’d be a moral one I think. And no LA is going to fund a care home just because someone asks. There has to be a need.

converseandjeans · 05/04/2023 19:30

@LetMeExplain

Good question, @Gincan ! I am pretty sure she would want me to make sound decisions and not let him get his hands on my money, like he did with hers.

The more I read the more it seems your Mum has passed on a problem to you. It seems you're now responsible for managing your Dad & his inability to sort himself out. So it's not necessarily a good position to be in. Maybe just sell & give him half back and let him get on with it all.

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/04/2023 19:31

@SilverBirchWithout neither the house nor the father are in the UK.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:31

@LetMeExplain is he paying you market rent?

If he's not it's a "gift with reservation" so any IHT saving you think you may have, you won't.

It's also potentially "deprivation of assets".

But assuming it's all above board, your promise was he could stay there, he may choose to do that.

Starlight2021 · 05/04/2023 19:33

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 16:25

Struggling to keep up with answers here!
Basically the house is far too big for one person, he can’t afford the heating bills and is struggling to maintain the huge garden. The house is not in the UK and all of the arrangements were and are perfectly legal, appropriate taxes paid etc.

I am perfectly happy to sell the house and to buy him a more manageable flat, what I am struggling with is the assumption that any profit I would make on the sale of my house should go to him. Of course there is an unpleasant back story to all of this.

It’s not your house until he dies. You are lucky to even have that asset. To deny him his cost of living from a house he bought and paid for is unbelievable

Shame on you

Elvis1956 · 05/04/2023 19:34

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/04/2023 15:58

And if the house belongs to you and this is the truth, then it's your job to keep up the repairs, not your father's.

Not if the agreement was that the parents live rent free but pay for up keep.

I expect the father can't afford to heat it, council tax, water etc no just up keep.

I think morally the op should do more than just buy him a flat...but what sort of father was he? There are often threads on here why one of both parents are utter rubbish to their kids... Op we need more info to make a decision

Newmumatlast · 05/04/2023 19:35

Clearly they signed their house over to you to avoid inheritance tax, which you'd have had to pay had they not, with the intention that they'd have that house to live in until they died. I am sure that whilst they didn't envisage that you'd not inherit it in its fullest, they probably also didn't envisage that your Dad would need more funds. You have done nothing for that house. They are the ones who worked for it. Personally I couldn't be such an arse and refuse to help my Dad out financially from the sale when it's only 'mine' because they were trying to help me out on tax. I don't see why you can't at least pay him the same sum you'd have had to pay in inheritance tax given you'd have needed to pay that had they not transferred it to you already. Tbh either they weren't great parents or you're not a great child for you to feel this way about an asset you've frankly only been lucky to end up with compared to other people rather than actually work for. And I say this as someone who stands to inherit a decent sum and property from my own parents and who would gladly forego it all for them to have a better existence while living on earth with me.