The neighbours are going to hate us

[Potentialneighboursfromhell]

I've just signed for the keys for a flat for me and my DC, it's on the first floor of a small block. There are 8 or 10 flats in total.

I wasn't in a position to hang about hoping something on a ground level came up.

I have 3 DC one of which has autism and adhd.

I came to the new property today to drop off a few bits ahead of the big move next week. The kids were excited, running around.

A downstairs neighbour came up to see if everything was OK and what all the noise was (it was the kids running around - this being the first time they had seen the place and they were excited)

I explained and apologised, the neighbour was fine but I got a sinking feeling as soon as I closed the door. My children are going to drive that poor man and his family mad. DS especially. He shouts, screams, bangs - due to his disability. It can't be controlled not for want of trying. Lord knows it drives me round the bend too.

I've been treading on egg shells the rest of the time we've been here. Telling the kids to "shh" and be quiet, take your shoes off so they don't hear you walking about, lower your voices, don't do this don't do that.

It's going to be hell for everybody. Kids included.

I've made a mistake haven't I? What the hell am I going to do now 😔

You should get a carpet and get the children wear slippers with the foam sole.

Apart from that I'm not sure what else you can do.

Perhaps talk to the neighbours and explain your situation?

Sadly for my brother he can’t choose to move away. It’s a council flat and he can’t find a suitable swap. We have thought about grouping together and paying a private rent but struggled to find something suitable as he has mobility issues so has to have a ground floor flat. It’s not always as simple as just moving. I would cheerfully pay for the upstairs flat to be carpeted as this would reduce a lot of the noise but the upstairs neighbour won’t agree.

without putting too much on here there are other really disturbing noises. Disturbing by means of being loud and continuous (think chanting type wailing). However, my brother did get the council (HA?) involved and they gave him a sound monitor machine and wrote to the neighbour and it has (for now) quietened down to a more manageable level. it’s extremely difficult but as I said originally carpeting/rugs will help a lot.

I can see it from both sides, it’s hard when you live in a block of flats to keep noise to a minimum.
Personally I feel like you have to deal with the card you have, if you live in a flat, expect to have noise from neighbours.
As for yourself, as long as you explain to your landlord and neighbour you are doing your best to keep noise down and your son’s autism, then tough for everyone else.
Your son cannot help his stimming and should not be held accountable for ‘being noisy’ they’ll just have to live with it, it’s part of living in a flat. Sorry.

What on earth are they doing up there?!

Chanting and wailing? Is there a mental health problem?

She listens to american religious pastors (if that’s the right word). The ones that speak in tongues, goes on for hours and she chants (again, if that’s the right word) and shouts along with them. She also shouts ‘burn in hell, die, die, more fire’ and other weird phrases on repeat for upto 8 hours a time. I should suspect a mental health problem yes.

You sound really caring and concerned about not disturbing the neighbours. As your neighbour I think that would go a long way to making me able to tolerate it more. Better than those who let their music blare out without a thought in the world. It is clear you are doing your best.

Good luck

And OP and her children have a right to live where they do. If there were millionaires maybe they could find a detached house somewhere but most of us do not have that luxury.

I actually think her neighbours are pretty lucky having such a considerate neighbour. I have had far worse.

Surely you can see that's quite different to a parent attempting to keep a child with a developmental disability stable?

Yes, I never said anything different? It doesn't matter what the noise is, it will invariably upset people downstairs. Be it kids running around or lunatics screaming along with a deranged pastor. The comment I made was related to carpeting. I am pretty sure my brother would be in a similar state if it was children above him.

They've been up knocking again to complain about the noise, the woman partner this time.

The kids bunk beds were delivered in the evening on Tuesday, completely beyond my control, so there was some noise as DC's dad was here moving things in the bedroom to make space for the big boxes as they were blocking the access to the bathroom and bedrooms.

The woman came up the following afternoon to say it was too much. I was apologetic and explained. I took the opportunity to tell her about DS special needs and how ill be doing my best to keep his noise to a minimum.

She was polite enough but I'm under strict instructions not to make any banging noise after 8pm. What can I do if DS has a meltdown at 8.30?

I'm in tears from the stress of trying to keep the kids quiet today. DS is in meltdown mode and is shouting and throwing things. My toddler is running around and is heavy footed and must sound like a heard of elephants. He can't spend all day in the travel cot it's cruel, but how can you stop a 1 year old from running? I've got big rugs down everywhere now but clearly it isn't helping.

I'm under a neurosurgeon and have been told to avoid stress, no chance of that 😥

Stop being so accommodating. They cannot expect silence and your children shouldn't have to be forced to be basically blanket trained to avoid upsetting them.

This is life. If we was all rich we would have sound proof/detached homes

Yes I do think In the evening kids should be learning to be quiet or in bed but it cannot be helped and I think the fact they came to you when you was moving in was a fucking dickhead move and shows you, they are the issue not you.

You do not need these downstairs neigjbours approval, help or anything. Do not give two flying ducks about them being annoyed. They could also wish to try to move.

And so what if they dislike you? You need to learn to be okay with being disliked because these neighbours sound tiring.

Both times they’ve been up to complain have been times you’ve been moving furniture in. So maybe don’t build furniture after 8pm. Beyond that, your everyday noise might be a bit annoying for them but it wasn’t what pushed them over their limit to the extent they came up to complain. If a meltdown happens at 8:30pm, you deal with it the exact same way you would if it happened at 7:30pm. You are doing your best. Don’t let your stress levels go through the roof worrying about doing the impossible.

Ignore them , aside from trying to not do DIY late at night you are making normal family noise and are entitled to do so . If they want to report you to someone let them crack on , I doubt they will get far .

I think you’re trying your best. This shouldn’t impact on your health. Realistically there’s nothing they can do unless you were playing loud music all night - which you’re not. You’ve politely explained your situation.

I think accept you won’t have a good relationship with them. Ignore them from now on.

Underlays and carpets and no shoes are going to achieve feck all regarding the noise impact on neighbours.
I've been complained about in a flat with £2k acoustic underlay and I have complained about neighbours with carpet everywhere.

I'd properly hate being OP's neighbour.
And no, OP is NOT a considered, concerned and nice neighbour. She hasn't considered nor her neighbours nor her children in this and there's nothing "nice" about realising one's error and still ploughing ahead regardless.
People pleaser... Lol.

They can't expect quiet all the time. Just get on with it and they will have to deal with it. The worst they can do is report you to the council who will do nothing as this is just normal family noise. I bet they are boomers.

We used to live In a lovely flat ground floor. Above us were 2 children one with SEN probably about 5 years old at the time.
At first the neighbours were courteous and said please let us know if there is any noise. We had kids above us for years before and it wasn't a problem. Daytime running about and playing? No problem. Of course kids have to play and be happy in their home. Nighttime however was awful. It drove me to tears on a daily basis. I was so wired when it came to nighttime I would just sit on edge waiting for the next bang. It would cause our picture frames to wall off the walls and smash, at times they blew our lightbulbs. After about 2 weeks of this I had to go and knock as I had a newborn and I was a hormonal stressed mess and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep during the day due to the (completely fair) daytime noise. It was extreme compared to the other children, but the boy had SEN. That's part and parcel of being in a flat. But nighttime was when the boy would meltdown beyond belief. I went up there one night at 1am, when the door opened the boy was slamming his scooter down on the LAMINATE!!!! Flooring. The mum said she didn't know what to do.

She put rugs down, but I'll be honest, it made absolutely no difference. She had carpet in the bedrooms. Again, no difference. She eventually stopped opening the door to us. The neighbour opposite us even knocked as he could hear it all and he wasn't even underneath them.

Eventually the whole (small) block were so fed up. Everybody complained to the company that looked after the building. We had people come round and sit in our lounge and measure the sound. It was loud enough for action to be taken against them but it was going to take a long time and I felt guilty for the mum who was obviously struggling but it made me so fucking depressed, sleep deprived, wired, and I had a mental breakdown.
We moved in the end. I will never ever live in a flat with children above me again. And I won't ever live in a flat above somebody with my DD. I feel for you OP. I really feel for your neighbours and I don't think asking for the noise to stop after 8pm is unreasonable. But your hands are tied with your sons needs. For both of your benefits and for your children to be free to runaround and others to be happy, I wouldn't live in that flat. Yes it's too late now and you've done it, but if this noise continues I don't know how you and your neighbours are ever going to feel relaxed in your / their homes. Recipe for disaster.

Make sure you take your children out lots during the day. My neighbour just stayed indoors all the time. If they went out for the day I knew I could get some respite.

Don't be so ridiculous. People who have children with SEN have to live somewhere. Rental properties are few and far between, you take what you can get. What parent is going to prioritise strangers over securing a home for their child?

Oh come off it, as if you didn’t realise how unsuitable it would be living in an upstairs flat with THREE children. Your poor neighbours….do your kids at least stay at Dads EOW?

Sadly i agree with this post

I agree.

I don't know what part of the U.K. PP have seen this 'rental crisis' but it's not as if a property comes up twice a year and you have to take what you get.

All I ever see is family homes / houses / flats.
I don't think there's a rental crisis, more so, there's not many properties within the tenants budget. Which makes it tricky but having children in anything but a ground floor flat, whom also are especially noisy with SEN is a recipe for disaster and those people underneath them will be the ones suffering. Their home probably won't feel like their home anymore (this happened to us and we had to move out.)
It's shit.

The OP should've got a ground floor flat. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don't think some people do realise, my upstairs neighbours certainly didn't give a damn when they let their children ride up and down with scooters above my head all day, then suggestions on here to get the child a trampoline, I mean really?!

Poor neighbours? You can't expect to live in a ground floor flat and not hear your neighbours. Children with SEN and disabilities are a part of life and have to live somewhere. The noise is unavoidable. She isn't having parties and raves, we are talking about a child with special needs here. Fuck the neighbours as far as I am concerned if this is how they are going to behave right from the start. The OP has done enough, they need to just get used to it now. Let them moan.

What do you propose I should have done then, pitched up a tent in the park with my children until something more suitable and affordable came up. Do you know how long I've been trying to move? YEARS

I don't owe anybody an explanation but I'll happily give one as people are clearly under the impression that I had so much choice in where we live.

I can not afford a house, period.

I'm a carer for DS and disabled myself so can only work part time. I have a large symptomatic brain aneurysm that causes chronic migraine and vertigo. I also have a musculoskeletal disorder.

Due to the above I rely on what used to be known as "DSS" - now universal credit, to help me to pay my rent.

People on UC are undesirable tenants. The vast majority of agencies won't touch people like me with a barge pole. I couldn't count on both hands the amount of times I have been turned down for properties despite having an immaculate credit history and prev landlord refs. Most won't admit the rejection is due to benefits but some will.

DSS / UC does not pay the full amount of rent required for the vast, vast majority of properties here in the area which I must live for my disabled child's school and support network.

I'm already having to scrape together an extra £150 per month just to pay for this flat. It would be hundreds more if I were as lucky as to get an actual house. Universal credit wouldn't pay any more, and nor should they have to really, as the private rental market is daylight robbery here.

After years of trying and failing to get a house crunch time came and I had no choice to move so had to take the first thing I could find and wiped out all of my savings to do it.

Please don't assume everybody has the luxury of choosing where they live.