Page 5 | Husband doesnt get day off

Sooty1983 · 2023-04-05T05:26:09+00:00

So we have a 1.5 year old and currently my husband looks after her on a Wednesday. Hes self employed and works the other week days and a Sat, and generally 3-4 hours on a Sunday but generally on a Sunday he uses these hours to work on his own cars. I work Tue to Fri in an office. DD goes to nursery 3 days pw, so I have her Sat Sun and Mon. Basically husband says Wed is annoying as hes just getting going in his work week then has to pause if you like and has no day off. I kind of get it. But, the arrangement currently really suits me. I do the lions share in my opinion of housework, cooking, weekly shop all nursery pick ups and drop offs etc. My mum also lives almost 2 hours away so every 3 weeks I go there with daughter from a Fri to a Sun so need the Monday especially that week to get organised for the week and in my view he gets time to himself when we are away. Should I try and compromise and see if work will let me do a Monday once a month say or just leave it and empathise a bit with husband but basically in my head im like, hello with a a child or children there is no such thing as a day off. Basically i think he's a bit annoyed Im "off" a Monday.

NinetyPercent · 06/04/2023 08:22

@Sooty1983 coming late to this and sounds like you’ve now made a decision. What does your DH think about number of days in nursery? Was it a joint decision to make sure DC had at least 2 days at home in the week? That was important to us when my DC was small. Swapping from weds to fri achieves that, rather than the suggestions to add another day at nursery.

also what do HR mean about holidays and Mondays not being good for annual leave? All annual leave should be pro rated, including bank holidays. Also it sometimes helps to be off when everyone else in the office is off!
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-holiday-entitlement

Calculate holiday entitlement

Holiday calculator to work out statutory holiday leave in days or hours

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-holiday-entitlement

Emigratingimmigrant · 06/04/2023 08:23

If he doesn't like that arrangement what is he doing to change it? Why is it the OP bending herself in knots with nursery and other arrangements? What stops him rearranging his week to eg take Mondays off if he wants a two day block and speaking to the nursery about swapping days?

Because op herself said she didn't want DC in nursery 4 days. Speaking to your partner about change of days is doing something.
What stops him from taking Monday off is that OP has monday off and dc would then be 4 days in nursery. Op is thinking these over as she said and will look at change of days.

Sirzy · 06/04/2023 08:27

With regards the Sundays later posts do clarify that both of them get some “me time” on a Sunday the OP going for a walk and her husband going to the garage. So rightly so both do get time away from childcare/work.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2023 08:33

NinetyPercent · 06/04/2023 08:22

@Sooty1983 coming late to this and sounds like you’ve now made a decision. What does your DH think about number of days in nursery? Was it a joint decision to make sure DC had at least 2 days at home in the week? That was important to us when my DC was small. Swapping from weds to fri achieves that, rather than the suggestions to add another day at nursery.

also what do HR mean about holidays and Mondays not being good for annual leave? All annual leave should be pro rated, including bank holidays. Also it sometimes helps to be off when everyone else in the office is off!
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-holiday-entitlement

Because when you are part time but not working Mondays the pro rata'd bank hols are yours to take when you need them.

If you work Mondays then in most office based jobs you have to take the bank holidays as part of your annual allocation which gives you less flexibility overall and may eat into your elective allowance.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2023 08:34

Sirzy · 06/04/2023 08:27

With regards the Sundays later posts do clarify that both of them get some “me time” on a Sunday the OP going for a walk and her husband going to the garage. So rightly so both do get time away from childcare/work.

The OP takes the child with them.

Emigratingimmigrant · 06/04/2023 08:39

Tbf OP admitted that she uses her free time to clean up. That's one thing to change too 😁
Self care is important. My mum used to do it until she realised she would rather do something else. Interestingly, the cleaning she was using her Me time to do was never really missed! It was just "well i have time so i can give it another hoover" type of situation.

Sirzy · 06/04/2023 08:46

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2023 08:34

The OP takes the child with them.

Show quote history

No she says she goes on her own.

Michellelovesizzy · 06/04/2023 17:57

Just to clarify does he need to work the Sunday ?

Bunnycat101 · 06/04/2023 18:40

I wouldn’t give up Monday as a nwd- especially this year when there are so many bank holidays on a Monday.

i was going to say you need to think about the long game. The early years go quickly (even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time) and soon enough your daughter will be in school where his working pattern wouldn’t really be ideal. If he doesn’t need to work the Saturday I’d do 4 days in nursery and have a proper weekend as a family. The schedule is currently very limiting in terms of weekends away etc and he’s not enjoying the working pattern.

MammaMacgill87 · 06/04/2023 19:28

You tell him, 'if you can re-organise this so we both get a day off individually without any major compromise go ahead'
Because not only does it appear you also don't have a 'day off' you're also taking on the mental load of figuring all this out. Otherwise honestly I'd tell him to suck it up, it's his child too and unfortunately you can't just magic up time to yourself especially when they are young that's they way it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

ILoveEYFS · 06/04/2023 20:08

I've worked a job with split rest days and it doesn't feel like you've had a day off so.i get why DH hates having Wednesday and Sunday.
Maybe he could have Sunday/Monday and you could work Monday-Thurday
Dd going to nursery Tuesday-Thursday

Original poster

Sooty1983 · 06/04/2023 20:45

So nursery can potentially take DD on a Wed which will allow husband to work Mon to Thur and look after her on a Fri. Hes open to that so we are going to discuss further over wend. Learning as we go that yep parenthood is def going to need us to get better at communicating continually and compromising too. At almost 40 youd think id get this by now 😂

OP posts:

PaigeMatthews · 07/04/2023 07:15

Michellelovesizzy · 06/04/2023 17:57

Just to clarify does he need to work the Sunday ?

@Michellelovesizzy he doesnt work the sunday. That‘s his hobby day.

Michellelovesizzy · 07/04/2023 07:25

its now be clarify to me that Sunday is in fact a day off hobby day. Op you work and look after the house so yes he needs to play his part on a Wednesday. He is responsible for childcare too.

Codlingmoths · 07/04/2023 09:18

When’s your hobby day op?

Emigratingimmigrant · 07/04/2023 09:19

Michellelovesizzy · 07/04/2023 07:25

its now be clarify to me that Sunday is in fact a day off hobby day. Op you work and look after the house so yes he needs to play his part on a Wednesday. He is responsible for childcare too.

But he is ok with doing childcare just wants it on different day...

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 09:21

Sooty1983 · 06/04/2023 20:45

So nursery can potentially take DD on a Wed which will allow husband to work Mon to Thur and look after her on a Fri. Hes open to that so we are going to discuss further over wend. Learning as we go that yep parenthood is def going to need us to get better at communicating continually and compromising too. At almost 40 youd think id get this by now 😂

I'm glad nursery can help, but I don't see how this will change anything.

If he swaps his day off for Friday, still need to work the Saturday to make up for it, so his days off are still going to end up split.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 07/04/2023 09:38

I'm not sure any parent of an 18 month old gets a 'day off', sounds like you both have a few hours to yourself each week, op gets a few hours on a Friday whilst dc is in nursery and dh gets a few hours to do his hobby on a Saturday morning.

Lots of parents would love to have a day to themselves without dc being home and their dh/dw at work, but it doesn't really work like that when you have young dc. Tell him he can have his Wednesday off in about 4 years time when dc goes to school. That way he can then do some more housework so you can have a day off during the week too.

Grrrrdarling · 07/04/2023 16:06

Number24Bus · 05/04/2023 06:39

But you're "off" on a Monday in the same way that he's "off" on a Wednesday, right? You're not at work but you are looking after your DD? I don't understand his point?

This exactly..

Grrrrdarling · 07/04/2023 16:13

Sooty1983 · 06/04/2023 20:45

So nursery can potentially take DD on a Wed which will allow husband to work Mon to Thur and look after her on a Fri. Hes open to that so we are going to discuss further over wend. Learning as we go that yep parenthood is def going to need us to get better at communicating continually and compromising too. At almost 40 youd think id get this by now 😂

No amount of prep prepares you for juggling working & parenting.
Neither of you will get much personal down time for the next 10/15years but as your LO gets old it will get easier as they will become more independent & need less direct supervision from you both.
Talk & work things out between you.
As your husband is self-employed it may be easier for him to move working days around but what you’ve said in this comment sounds positive.
Hope you find a balance that works for you both but remember that you are a team & both should be taking responsibility for the home & child care 👍

Forever42 · 07/04/2023 16:57

CleaningOutMyCloset · 07/04/2023 09:38

I'm not sure any parent of an 18 month old gets a 'day off', sounds like you both have a few hours to yourself each week, op gets a few hours on a Friday whilst dc is in nursery and dh gets a few hours to do his hobby on a Saturday morning.

Lots of parents would love to have a day to themselves without dc being home and their dh/dw at work, but it doesn't really work like that when you have young dc. Tell him he can have his Wednesday off in about 4 years time when dc goes to school. That way he can then do some more housework so you can have a day off during the week too.

He's not wanting a day off without DC. He wants to change the day he currently looks after his DD from a Wednesday to a different day as a mid-week day off affects work he is getting on with.

I do agree with PP that I'm not sure Friday really solves the issue if he still has to work Saturdays. By school age it will be better if he works Monday-Friday and you all have weekends together.

ilovechocolate07 · 08/04/2023 08:36

I get that the day if the week might not be working for him but he's not considering the day he looks after your child and does no work as a day off which is confusing. It seems as though he does have two days off and one of them he spends looking after his child and the other he spends doing his own thing. I would prefer my weekends to be two days together if it could be but plenty of jobs don't allow for that. You could swap nursery days or ask to swap but it wouldn't be guaranteed that you'd get it. If the home labour imbalance bothers you, you need to say it to him and sort out a rota of sorts because he poss won't realise what goes into it but be prepared for him to claim he's not bothered about your standards. I saw a quote that said something like "I can't believe the state of the house, we can't possibly have visitors", said no man ever'.

Irritateandunreasonable · 08/04/2023 16:03

Phoebo · 05/04/2023 06:40

If your daughter goes to nursery why don't you just do more of that? I'd understand if you were both SAHP but if not, just do that?

Where’s the money coming from for that?

Dibbydoos · 09/04/2023 13:12

You need to clearly set our tge time you spend running the home so that he doesn't contribute. That's more than 8 hours a week. I seriously can't understand how so many 'it's not fair' issues there are in relationships snd it's mainly cos men don't contribute enough!