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Original poster

Husband doesnt get day off

124 replies

Sooty1983 · 05/04/2023 06:26

So we have a 1.5 year old and currently my husband looks after her on a Wednesday. Hes self employed and works the other week days and a Sat, and generally 3-4 hours on a Sunday but generally on a Sunday he uses these hours to work on his own cars.
I work Tue to Fri in an office. DD goes to nursery 3 days pw, so I have her Sat Sun and Mon.
Basically husband says Wed is annoying as hes just getting going in his work week then has to pause if you like and has no day off. I kind of get it. But, the arrangement currently really suits me. I do the lions share in my opinion of housework, cooking, weekly shop all nursery pick ups and drop offs etc.
My mum also lives almost 2 hours away so every 3 weeks I go there with daughter from a Fri to a Sun so need the Monday especially that week to get organised for the week and in my view he gets time to himself when we are away.
Should I try and compromise and see if work will let me do a Monday once a month say or just leave it and empathise a bit with husband but basically in my head im like, hello with a a child or children there is no such thing as a day off. Basically i think he's a bit annoyed Im "off" a Monday.

OP posts:
Comii9 · 05/04/2023 07:20

Jifmicroliquid · 05/04/2023 07:10

I’m confused by this notion that you have to have weekly days off from your own children, like they are some kind of job. Once you have children, your days off from work involve them. They are now part of your life and that’s a decision you made when you had them.

This is an odd view. Before coming a parent you are your own individual person this does not mean now you are a parent you are not able to have a break from your child. Is this how you parent?

If so it sounds unhealthy. It's absolutely bliss going round the shops and nipping for a coffee without my child. The fact that "I choose to be a parent is irrelevant.

AuntMarch · 05/04/2023 07:21

If Sunday's are spent working on his own cars, he absolutely has a day off!
You said he doesn't like that you are "off" Monday, but you are only as "off" as he is on Wednesday anyway?! Sounds like he's being a bit of a brat tbh. Tell him to manage his work better so he can do less hours.

He doesn't know how lucky he is to be able to have that time with his child.

UndercoverCop · 05/04/2023 07:24

So you have no days a week as a family? If DD went to nursery on a Wednesday could be take one of the weekend days off so you could do things all together? I think that's valuable time

SleepingStandingUp · 05/04/2023 07:26

So he needs to liaise with nursery and his work to see if he can have say a Friday off instead.

Jifmicroliquid · 05/04/2023 07:26

Comii9 · 05/04/2023 07:20

This is an odd view. Before coming a parent you are your own individual person this does not mean now you are a parent you are not able to have a break from your child. Is this how you parent?

If so it sounds unhealthy. It's absolutely bliss going round the shops and nipping for a coffee without my child. The fact that "I choose to be a parent is irrelevant.

Show quote history

Weekly though? A random day on your own is great, I’m sure, but I’d be surprised if that was something that people assume they will have on a weekly basis.
I feel it’s a bit ‘I’m a parent Monday- Saturday but I couldn’t cope having my child on a Sunday aswell’
Now an occasional day off a month, fantastic. But expecting it weekly seems rather strange to me.

Hayliebells · 05/04/2023 07:27

I can understand him wanting to be working on a Wednesday. And it would be a lot easier for both of you, you'd both feel like you have time "off", if you're both off work on the same day. It would make sense therefore for him to stop working on a Sunday, so you're both off on Sunday. If he won't stop working on Sunday because he's not really working, his classic cars are his hobby so that's what he's doing, he doesn't really need anymore time "off", does he?

DustyLee123 · 05/04/2023 07:28

Working and earning money is different to tinkering with cars as a hobby. If he wants time off to do his hobby, you get equal time off for whatever you want to do. And that isn’t washing/cleaning/food shopping.

jannier · 05/04/2023 07:30

So is he saying he wants to work 6.5 days a week and hardly see his child then? Surely if he works all the other days then any day he has off he will just be getting into it then need to stop?
My husband is se and also worked 6.5 days a week often cancelling are only week away and doing bank holidays....he now regrets being so work focused and missing our children grow up.

Hiddenvoice · 05/04/2023 07:32

It sounds like you need a day together as a family, it seems like you both have your own time with dd and then your own time working- do goy ever have time with just dh?
I understand his moan about a Wednesday. Some people would love a break in the working week whereas others would prefer it at the start or end. Yes it may have worked for him back in September but now it’s over 6 months later and he’s decided for him that it doesn’t work.

I know you’re hesitant to change anything right now but o think the two of you need to sit down and decide what works best for you as individuals to have time for yourself and what works best for the family. Sorting looking after children after mat leave is tough but sometimes what works to begin with needs to be changed.

jannier · 05/04/2023 07:32

How come he doesn't count Sunday doing his own car as time off? It's his hobby

jannier · 05/04/2023 07:35

If you swapped days when you go to see your family you would have less time with them so nobody would be better off....presumably at the moment when you go he gets all Sunday to himself

Shoxfordian · 05/04/2023 07:35

It doesn’t sound like you get a day off for your hobby🙄
Another lazy man doing the bare minimum whilst you do most of the housework and childcare who still has the audacity to complain he doesn’t get enough time off

Sirzy · 05/04/2023 07:38

But it sounds like the biggest issue is the fact that the Wednesday falls slap bang in the middle of the week so disrupts things work wise which is a valid point.

looking to try to change the day so it works for everyone is surely best?

piedbeauty · 05/04/2023 07:43

His working pattern is odd. If he works Sat and sometimes sun, or sometimes works on his cars then, when is your family time?

Original poster
Sooty1983 · 05/04/2023 07:45

Yes think the Wednesday is the main issue so a compromise will need to be reached. He does need to work the Sat to make up for the day during the week that he has the child. Realistically could likely afford another days childcare if he worked Wed too its just me that doesn't want her going 4 days a week which is perhaps selfish on my part. He tends to go to the garage on a Sunday as I go for a walk first thing on my own then he gets a bit of time too albeit a bit more but tbh i dont mind as if hes at home doesnt know what else to do aside from watch tv.

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 05/04/2023 07:46

Surely the much larger issue here is that you never have any time together as a family because he spends Sunday on his hobby? See of nursery can change but you'll be lucky if it's anything like ours they are at capacity with waiting lists, it's also a lot more money for 4 days. Funny your "spare time" is housework when he gets to do what he actually wants.

YouJustDoYou · 05/04/2023 07:47

Why'd he bother with having a kid when he would rather take a whole day off for his hobby rather than spend it with her, let alone both of you? Many of us I would imagine don't have the luxury of a full day off for hobby funtimes - we're too busy parenting. Good luck with that in the future, poor kid.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/04/2023 07:49

Neither of you gets a day off from parenting, that's just not how it works.

Blort · 05/04/2023 07:55

I have a million amazing ideas for parenting my kids as long as I'm not the one to do it.

He would like your kid to have more parent time than nursery time but he works 7 days a week?

mybeautifuloak · 05/04/2023 07:58

YouJustDoYou · 05/04/2023 07:47

Why'd he bother with having a kid when he would rather take a whole day off for his hobby rather than spend it with her, let alone both of you? Many of us I would imagine don't have the luxury of a full day off for hobby funtimes - we're too busy parenting. Good luck with that in the future, poor kid.

I think people fail to accept that some people need alone time. I have 3 dc. I also have a need for time doing my own thing. I'm not ASD but I have a similar need for recharge time otherwise I get ill. I'm not talking about selfish time I want. I am talking about an actual need to be alone. I'm not saying this man needs more as he has his Sundays but I think it's important to realise and accept that some people require this time away to survive. Without it my mental health suffers. I went through a decade of serious mental health crisis as I didn't realise how much I need this time alone. Without it, the constant over stimulation without reprieve actually made me suicidal.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 05/04/2023 08:02

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/04/2023 07:49

Neither of you gets a day off from parenting, that's just not how it works.

Why shouldn't parents get some regular time to themselves?

Maybe a whole day is unrealistic but I don't think it's healthy to never have a break.

Sirzy · 05/04/2023 08:03

It sounds like an extra day at nursery and then family time on a Saturday would be best for everyone then

heartbreakhotel20 · 05/04/2023 08:05

Sooty1983 · 05/04/2023 07:45

Yes think the Wednesday is the main issue so a compromise will need to be reached. He does need to work the Sat to make up for the day during the week that he has the child. Realistically could likely afford another days childcare if he worked Wed too its just me that doesn't want her going 4 days a week which is perhaps selfish on my part. He tends to go to the garage on a Sunday as I go for a walk first thing on my own then he gets a bit of time too albeit a bit more but tbh i dont mind as if hes at home doesnt know what else to do aside from watch tv.

If you can financially afford it I would put your child in on the Wednesday on the understanding that your OH doesn't work a Saturday anymore you say that he only does that to cover the Wednesday. Then you make an agreement one week you have her and he gets a day completely to himself, then the next week you swap them the third or fourth week you do something as a family. Again as long as this is financially viable it will not only make his working week easier but will also give you all a day a month just for you xx

Comii9 · 05/04/2023 08:08

Sooty1983 · 05/04/2023 07:45

Yes think the Wednesday is the main issue so a compromise will need to be reached. He does need to work the Sat to make up for the day during the week that he has the child. Realistically could likely afford another days childcare if he worked Wed too its just me that doesn't want her going 4 days a week which is perhaps selfish on my part. He tends to go to the garage on a Sunday as I go for a walk first thing on my own then he gets a bit of time too albeit a bit more but tbh i dont mind as if hes at home doesnt know what else to do aside from watch tv.

Ahhh but this Saturday is the issue. Family time is going out of the window. House chores are a separate matter pull him up on it and share the jobs more. No point you moaning you do the majority. Working weekends when you have kids isn't always practical.

Don't you do days out on a Saturday?

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 05/04/2023 08:10

My DH is pretty useless tbh, but he works 5 days then also "helps" in the weekends so doesn't really get a day off. I also assume that when your DH is working on cars, it's not work but a hobby that he enjoys. In saying that, both parents should both have some "me" time, this is a good thing. So given you have extra help such as your mum and nursery why not reorganise that extra care/help better for the both of you. It's not a race to the bottom

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