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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to buffet but bring your own food

104 replies

Daffodilstulip · 04/04/2023 20:56

AIBU to think if you are invited to a buffet a good host should offer to cater for allergies or dietary requirements?

I’ve been invited to a buffet on Friday but told to bring my own food as I can’t eat gluten.

AIBU to find this but rude?

OP posts:
theswoot · 04/04/2023 20:58

YANBU, but I also can understand why the host might ask this because they might be worried about not being able to meet your needs well enough, cross-contamination etc. Ideally they’d have discussed with you how best to handle I think.

Dogman · 04/04/2023 20:59

It’s nice if people can cater for you but I’d prefer to bring my own rather than risk being made sick due to cross contamination.

BelleMarionette · 04/04/2023 20:59

Yanbu, it's hardly a buffet.

Why don't you eat gluten? I ask as I have lived with a person with celiac and they preferred to prepare all their own food as they had to be meticulous about cross contamination. Perhaps this is why you are being asked.

Cosyblankets · 04/04/2023 20:59

Depending on how sensitive you are I would prefer to take my own

Kranke · 04/04/2023 21:00

It’s so difficult to cater for a large group and make lots of different dishes and not cross contaminate. It’s so much work for that person. I’d be happy to bring my own as I would know it’s safe. I really don’t think it’s a big deal.

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 04/04/2023 21:02

Context is needed here.

For example if my sister invited me to a buffet at her house and knew I was gluten free but didn’t know what to get I would be more than happy to provide my own food.

But if I was a guest at a wedding for a catered event and they couldn’t be bothered to cater for my dietary requirements I would think that was rude and feel awkward bringing my own food.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 04/04/2023 21:02

If you're coeliac or similar, they may be afraid of cross-contamination. To be honest, if you are coeliac or similar, I don't understand why you would take the risk. I know a couple of coeliacs. They never trust anyone other than family or a couple of close friends that they know are capable of providing for them. They generally bring their own

Timeforabiscuit · 04/04/2023 21:02

Yup, screams "you're not welcome, and I can't be arsed with your made up shite"

There are always two sides though, I wouldn't know where to start catering for gluten free apart from a jacket potato and salad and if I didn't know you well, or it was a rushed informal gathering like a housewarming, then I'd cut a bit of slack.

But being told to bring your own food rather than asked is what tips it.* *

Wtfishappeningnow · 04/04/2023 21:02

Not rude. Perfectly reasonable to ask you to bring your own food. Too much risk of cross contamination.

MintJulia · 04/04/2023 21:02

If the host is doing the catering herself, she may not be confident in her own abilities, or may not have time to cook two sets of food.

If relying on a caterer, it sounds like she has no faith in them.

I think I'd rather take my own to be honest

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/04/2023 21:03

Not unreasonable to feel like that, but, frankly, you wouldn't want to trust somebody else saying 'oh, there's no gluten in it at all' (points to the intrinsically gluten free foods stacked up on the same platters as wheat crackers as people cheerfully spread gluten free things with their crumb covered knives onto bread and forgets all about the flour that was on the surface they cut the gluten free rolls on/the barley/oats/rye and serving spoons being shared).

Tinkerbyebye · 04/04/2023 21:03

If they are preparing the food they maybe worried, especially if you are the only one. Personally i am happy to take my own so i know I won’t be ill. Lots forget about cross contamination

HazyDragon · 04/04/2023 21:03

I would do my best to cater for them, but would probably suggest they bring something suitable just incase.

My 8yo has allergies and I would have no issue with this, buffets and allergies aren't a great combination!

Other people I know with allergies/ intolerances always bring their own food.

Puppers · 04/04/2023 21:04

Well it totally depends on the occasion and who is hosting. If it's a little tea party at Aunty Edna's and she's asked you bring some GF stuff then that's fine and no big deal. If it's a wedding that's being professionally catered and they aren't allowing for common allergies/dietary restrictions then yes it's a bit rude and not the done thing to make a guest at a formal occasion bring their own food.

NormaTheWife · 04/04/2023 21:04

I would say that she doesn't really maybe know what you can eat and not? Sometimes vegans, vegetarians, gluten free, dairy free etc moan about hosts not coming up with anything more exciting than x - whatever is made for them. Take your own. It's not rude at all.

Teder · 04/04/2023 21:04

I think it depends, they may be concerned about your health and cross contamination.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2023 21:04

If you can't, rather than won't, then it's sensible to being miring your own rather than rely on some who may not know what it entails.

I eat very little carby stuff. Friends try to include me but I'm not fussed if I have to adapt.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2023 21:05

My views may be tempered by a few really rude and unappreciative vegans and food intolerant people.

Viviennemary · 04/04/2023 21:05

Just eat the foods that don't contain gluten. I don't think I would bother providing special food that was gluten free. In any case to prevent errors you are probably safer taking your own food.

Spinner12345 · 04/04/2023 21:08

I think in part it depends on when you were told you’d need to bring your own food. If it was at the same time as the invite then fine as you can either decline or bring your own but if you’re only just being told now it’s rude. It’s really not difficult for the host to buy some separate bits for you from a gluten free section of a supermarket (I get that you could also do that but you’re not the one hosting)

tabulahrasa · 04/04/2023 21:08

I would struggle to do a buffet and do a gluten free selection without cross contamination tbh.

If they’re using a caterer that’s poor, but if they’re making it...

Thoughtful2355 · 04/04/2023 21:09

yabu, they dont want to accidentally kill you.

I have done the same before. it would have been either un invite the gluten free person or make them bring theyre own food. Im sure they would have preffered to come.

Hobbesmanc · 04/04/2023 21:15

I think it's pretty easy to cater for a gluten free guest. There's whole sections in the big supermarkets. Plus there will surely be none carb dishes. Salads. Cold meats etc. I'd find it a bit rude. But I enjoy being a welcoming host

DelilahBucket · 04/04/2023 21:18

One of my very close friends has coeliac disease. If I was doing a buffet at home I would ask her if she would prefer to bring her own so as to avoid cross contamination. She probably would. If I was doing a sit down meal though I would purposefully prepare a gluten free menu for everyone. When we eat out and I choose where we go I always check there is a decent gluten free offering, even though she always says not to bother as she'll find something she can eat.
All that said, she is a very close friend. If we weren't that close, for something like a buffet I probably would say for her to bring her own food.

Original poster
Daffodilstulip · 04/04/2023 21:22

I totally get the cross contamination thing, but this is a family member who knows me quite well. If a eat gluten I will have a stomach ache and feel a little unwell, certainly nothing life threatening.

if it was the other way around I would have at least dropped into conversation something like ‘are there any specific foods you like, or, it is there anything in particular I can get for you?’.

Just feel like an inconvenience or after thought as the text was the invite plus ‘you’ll need to bring your own food’.

I get not everyone feels comfortable catering for others with allergies, but I think in the context it’s pretty thoughtless.

OP posts: