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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to buffet but bring your own food

104 replies

Daffodilstulip · 04/04/2023 20:56

AIBU to think if you are invited to a buffet a good host should offer to cater for allergies or dietary requirements?

I’ve been invited to a buffet on Friday but told to bring my own food as I can’t eat gluten.

AIBU to find this but rude?

OP posts:
AFloridian · 04/04/2023 22:15

I happily take my own GF food to other peoples houses. I occasionally wonder if I appear rude doing so, but I’d rather be rude than unwell.

Chowtime · 04/04/2023 22:17

It's not rude no. If you accept an invitation to eat at someone's house the polite thing to do is to eat what they serve - otherwise why accept the invitation in the first place?

MMMarmite · 04/04/2023 22:17

It's not ideal but i think it can be intimidating to cater for different dietary needs if you're not a confident cook. Particularly if the guests between them cover several different food restrictions.

TheExistentialistCafé · 04/04/2023 22:17

Gluten is present in variable quantity in so many products, from soy sauce to ham, cream cheese to salad dressing, and many spices.
A coeliac would anyway never eat at a buffet because a single crumb from a cutting board or a not well washed knife would trigger symptoms.
The fact that you are offended makes me think you are not coeliac and just prefer to not eat gluten, so the host is in her right to cater as she wants to

ConsuelaHammock · 04/04/2023 22:17

I think it’s fine to ask you in this instance. The host doesn’t want the responsibility of planning separate food for you. When I take a cake or similar into work I don’t cater for the vegans. It’s their choice not to eat eggs/ butter so I’m not making a separate cake for two people.

starfishmummy · 04/04/2023 22:19

Daffodilstulip · 04/04/2023 21:22

I totally get the cross contamination thing, but this is a family member who knows me quite well. If a eat gluten I will have a stomach ache and feel a little unwell, certainly nothing life threatening.

if it was the other way around I would have at least dropped into conversation something like ‘are there any specific foods you like, or, it is there anything in particular I can get for you?’.

Just feel like an inconvenience or after thought as the text was the invite plus ‘you’ll need to bring your own food’.

I get not everyone feels comfortable catering for others with allergies, but I think in the context it’s pretty thoughtless.

It's not just them being comfortable (or not) with catering for allergies, but also worrying about other guests cross contaminating things as they serve themselves.

For instance I'm allergic to blue cheese and I know that if there is a cheeseboard other people are going to use the same knife and get blue cheese crumbs into the other cheeses and the butter.

Blanketenvy · 04/04/2023 22:20

On the face of it, it is a bit rude, but does depend on context. A host who had planned to throw together a simple low cost buffet together themselves could easily find themselves with any combination of gluten free, vegan, dairy free, nut free, sulphate free guests and I can understand that it might feel really overwhelming and/or costly to have to provide for that, particularly if there are some dietary requirements which could result in serious illness.

Foxymoxy68 · 04/04/2023 22:20

I think it's rude. There are so many separately packaged GF foods that could be provided for you as well as naturally gluten free food. I'm a recently diagnosed coeliac (it's a disease for those who aren't aware) and it means the world to me when I'm considered. More than happy to bring my own but it's lovely when people think to cater for you.

Queenofscones · 04/04/2023 22:21

I'm remembering the New Year's Eve when we had a party and I made a buffet and a gluten-free dish for one guest only to have her tell me that she couldn't eat it because she didn't like cheese — there was cheese in it. She ended up with a plate of wedges and coleslaw and bits. So if you're happy to make do with what's available, OP, then take the risk.

Deathbyfluffy · 04/04/2023 22:23

Just ask what there is, and if a few items are gluten free by nature stick to those.

ComeOnNumber100 · 04/04/2023 22:23

Family member is a bit vague. But regardless if it was family it wouldn’t bother me.

BonjourCrisette · 04/04/2023 22:25

MusicInAWord · 04/04/2023 21:58

I've been lactose intolerant for years. I still turn up to family get togethers where it's been forgotten and there's nothing I can eat. The same family members also get offended if I bring my own food. So I'd be delighted and relieved if somebody said this to me - I could relax and know there will be stuff I can eat.

Have you tried lactase pills? I've found them an absolute game-changer. They are particularly useful in restaurants and other places where you can't necessarily be completely certain about lactose content. I don't think you could eg drink a pint of milk (haven't tried and wouldn't risk it). But they are absolutely fine for small amounts of lactose.

Thindog · 04/04/2023 22:25

I think it's ruder to not eat what a host offers you.
If you have genuine allergies then just bring your own, it's unreasonable to expect someone making a buffet to cater for every different diet that so many people nowadays have.

Timeforchangeithink · 04/04/2023 22:25

I don't understand why anyone with an allergy would want to eat food at a buffet - the host may prepare certain foods but people do move things at a buffet so you're never 100% sure what you're eating unless you bring your own plate surely?

whynotwhatknot · 04/04/2023 22:28

its not an allergy though its intolerance

NumberTheory · 04/04/2023 22:28

If you’re invited to an event it’s on you as the guest to be prepared to eat what’s provided (or politely leave it) or decline the invitation. It’s more hospitable of a host to provide for dietary requirements but I don’t think it’s something you can expect of them, especially if they’re catering for a lot of people (as a buffet tends to imply).

FusionChefGeoff · 04/04/2023 22:30

Some people, at certain times can really regret offering to host. Invite issued and accepted when I was feeling great, days before I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and desperately want to cancel.

Rather than let everyone down, I make it simple as physically possible eg takeaway or asking people who can't eat the only thing I can manage / buy to bring their own.

You don't know what they're dealing with so be grateful you're invited I say.

midlander79 · 04/04/2023 22:32

I'd never do this as a host. I'd ask about what they'd like me to get/cook if I wasn't sure how to cater for someone.
But I enjoy experimenting with cooking and making new dishes.
As a vegan I prefer to take my own food anyway, I don't like to feel I am putting someone out so to speak, and also as I'm well-versed in vegan cooking, I am more likely to make something well much of the time. I make enough so others can try.

If It's a family member that knows you well OP, I think that could be a bit rude depending on context. GF can be expensive-are finances okay? Are they short of time?

Foxymoxy68 · 04/04/2023 22:35

Coeliac is a disease. Not an allergy and not an intolerance. Nor is it a choice! It's so frustrating to be considered an inconvenience to people. It's not our fault!

BeeBB · 04/04/2023 22:37

DelilahBucket · 04/04/2023 21:18

One of my very close friends has coeliac disease. If I was doing a buffet at home I would ask her if she would prefer to bring her own so as to avoid cross contamination. She probably would. If I was doing a sit down meal though I would purposefully prepare a gluten free menu for everyone. When we eat out and I choose where we go I always check there is a decent gluten free offering, even though she always says not to bother as she'll find something she can eat.
All that said, she is a very close friend. If we weren't that close, for something like a buffet I probably would say for her to bring her own food.

I am having to follow a coeliac diet and I would be relieved to be bringing my own food as it removes any worries or any awkwardness and gluten free foods can be expensive (and it would be even more costly to do say all GF sandwiches and cakes etc) and most GF foods don’t taste the best.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 04/04/2023 22:37

I don't know any real coeliac (& there is a msdive difference between coeliac disease and a gluten in tolerance) would would risk eating at a buffet.

Even with the best host in the world and separating the food, there will always be some who will reach across the table dropping crumbs or something everywhere.

Two of my family are coeliac and very little makes them full on ill. If I'm cooking, I make every thing gluten free but I totally understand why someone not familiar with it wouldn't like to risk of making someone ill.

Twinsmummy1812 · 04/04/2023 22:39

I wonder if maybe you were the 20th person with allergies/intolerances/dietary requirements and she just sort of snapped?

we had a new neighbour announce she was vegetarian when we invited her to a small bbq to get to know other neighbours. I have no issue at all with that, but please let me know beforehand!

or are you like my MIL who has a gluten intolerance and who bangs on about it ALL THE TIME! (but will eat the occasional scone or Yorkshire pudding🙄).

Annoyedfood · 04/04/2023 22:39

Foxymoxy68 · 04/04/2023 22:35

Coeliac is a disease. Not an allergy and not an intolerance. Nor is it a choice! It's so frustrating to be considered an inconvenience to people. It's not our fault!

She’s doesn’t have coeliac disease though. She’s got an intolerance to it.

LBFseBrom · 04/04/2023 22:39

A lot depends on how formal the buffet is and how the host made the suggestion, wording is key here. It is not unusual to have a 'bring a plate and share' buffet, with the host providing a fair amount of basic food and drink.

I daresay there will be food there that you can eat, op, you can judge at the time but it makes sense for you to bring something gluten free for yourself to be on the safe side.

triballeader · 04/04/2023 22:45

In honesty if it was for my DHor son I would cheer. DH is a celiac, diabetic with an allergy (anaphylaxis) to eggs, fish, shellfish and nuts. Son is super reactive too. Buffets scare the crap out of me as cross contamination has landed DH in A&E and stuck in hospital for days. Even a trace of gluten makes him very very ill. Good catering firms need a run up and skilled chefs cry over his diet. If the host has meet someone like him in the past I can understand why they would not want to risk it.