Invited to buffet but bring your own food

[Daffodilstulip]

AIBU to think if you are invited to a buffet a good host should offer to cater for allergies or dietary requirements?

I’ve been invited to a buffet on Friday but told to bring my own food as I can’t eat gluten.

AIBU to find this but rude?

I don't know why so many people make such a big deal out of providing gluten free food.

It isn't difficult. And Google is at your fingertips.

I have a few coeliac friends, and I can always cater for them.

It’s really not about me having a problem eating the food there (I’m sure there’s plenty not containing gluten), similarly I have no issue bringing my own. I have a mild intolerance- nothing too serious.

No-one else has any allergies (I know everyone who’s going). I have provided so many meals and hosted them so many times (including many Christmas Days), it just seems a bit inconsiderate to not even have a conversation. Just a text saying bring your own food!

I think it’s rude and I feel upset about it, maybe this is not about food, maybe I just feel a bit used.

I’ll take my own stuff and just smile politely- guess it’s not worth giving it a second thought.

In the context you say it’s quite rude
Im gluten free but not coeliac - so although it makes me feel pretty rough would not bother too much about cross contamination
I am also used to having to eat what is available or sometimes bring my own
yesterday went out with a friend for lunch and the only option for me was jacket potato or soup (without bread)
today (out all day) I took fruit and GF breakfast bar for breakfast - went to M n S simply food for snack lunch and came home hungry as there was nowhere suitable for me to eat evening meal
However I do see it from the other side - at work although we are quite a small team there are gluten free, vegan, vegetarian, dairy free, halal, seafood allergies, nut allergies and a few people who have other reasons for restricting diet eg can’t tolerate seeds including tomatoes - it’s a logistical nightmare

Considered you have hosted them multiple times?
Exceptionally rude.

My children have a few friends that are gluten intolerant, it really isn't difficult to cater for.

Why is the whole buffet going to contain gluten? Is it going to be beige food only?! I'd be taking my own food and making sure it was off the charts spectacular so all the other guests ask where you got it from ;) sorry totally flippant - It would have been more courteous to provide gluten free options since they already know you are gluten free, but maybe they think it's the kind of allergy where the merest hint of gluten is going to cause you serious issues & know they can't prevent contamination. Or maybe.,, shock.. it's actually going to be a ... grazing table 🫣💀

I feel it’s rude! Gluten free is a pain in the arse because it’s hidden everywhere, but it’s not exactly impossible to substitute for gluten free foods on a lot of meals. I have coeliacs though (only been diagnosed for a year) so I’m quite sensitive still to being ‘othered’ and unable to join in.

Eating is such a social thing, being told to bring your own food is just mean and lazy of the host. Fair enough if you were incredibly paranoid about cross contamination and wanted to bring your own, but it doesn’t seem like you are. The host has been very thoughtless, it’s not difficult to read the ingredients, ask if there’s anything you like etc.

I think it's rude. I have a coeliac friend so have done totally gluten free buffets before so no chance of cross contamination and you sound easier to cater for as not such a worry if there are foods with gluten around.

I did cook a meal for 12 once at a hen do and regretted it when 7 of the 12 had different dietary requirements (one allergy). That was harder!

Tbh I think as it’s an intolerance and not an allergy you have to do your part.

I have an intolerance to quorn (projectile vomit everyone with no warning 🤮); so if I am going to a vegan or vegetarians house the onus is on me to ask what they are cooking, and if they say quorn I say I will bring something along (obviously not meat! But just normal vegetarian or soya alternative or something). I haven’t a problem with this and wouldn’t want to be an inconvenience or make them change from their plans.

Likewise if someone had a gluten intolerance I would expect the same. We are in a cost of living crisis and buying special bread, flour? What else? I have no idea where even I would start.

I did once make a special effort for two friends who were vegetarian. Even down to checking about whether Parmesan would be ok for the risotto. Which was a no. Instead they said they would prefer dominos vegan pizza. Even though I had already specifically bought all the ingredients. Fine. Until they later told me they had bacon sandwiches the night before. Beyond pissed off!

I'd be terrified about catering within a buffet for someone coeliac. Given the amount of publicity and care taken these days regarding allergies, and people 'being glutened' i think we're all more worried than we used to be. I have one friend who's fully coeliac, and she's constantly (and reasonably) checking every single detail of anything she eats that she hasn't prepared herself. So yes, I'd be very anxious about catering for her

It also depends how many your relative is catering for. And of course, how much fuss you've made in the past.

If she's simply scared she'll get it wrong, then she's not being unreasonable.

This exactly.

I am pretty intolerant to gluten so I understand but wouldn't specifically cater for you. You won't die if you eat a bit of gluten and there will be stuff you can eat. I carry Buscopan in case. Coeliac friends I'd cater for more carefully because it's important - veggies and vegans too.

I mean if you were coeliac that’s different. A mild intolerance tbh you can eat at least some of what is provided as you can probably identify quite easily the gluten items and there is little risk of ill effects from minor cross contamination. They probably just don’t want you to eat something they thought would be fine and you be in discomfort later. A lot of people just do not want that pressure on top of preparing a lot of food and hosting, which is fair enough to my mind. I know coeliacs who prefer to bring their own food to gatherings so they can be sure and conversely the host on more than one occasion has been slightly affronted as they felt it was a slight on their ability to provide safe food. It’s a minefield for people.

You say this is someone you know who knows your requirements. You also say you have a sensitivity not an allergy so not likely to be seriously ill if there's complications. How did the conversation come up? Did friend just inform you you must bring your own food or was there a conversation about what would be on offer.
I think it's important to know if this is your 'meal' or if it's something to snack on. Surely they'll be some salad, cheese, eggs, meat, dips etc.is it the end of the world if you leave the pastry from a a slice of quiche or just take one bread substitute with you.

How long have you had this?

I would cater for an allergy, but not an intolerance. Feeling a bit unwell isn’t the same as an allergy.

YABU. Providing vegetarian maybe, but not gluten free, vegan, halal, coeliac etc etc when would it end. Take your own food if you must.

This. If anything you're the rude one expecting to be catered for!!

I’m going with YABU. I recall parties for the kids and they ended up as a freakin nightmare. Every second kid had a different allergy. It ended up being more allergies than normal diet and it was a nightmare permutation. I got jack of it after tearing my hair out trying to do god knows how many different options for a few years (and invariably something would look good and kids without that allergy would tuck in and the kid with the allergy never had enough to eat). The only way was to basically do individual plated up meals every time and then worrying about cross-contamination when using one domestic kitchen was pants. In the end I said fuck it and now anytime anyone mentions an allergy/intolerance/they are vegan, I say goodo, best to bring your own, thanks. Don’t feel guilty.

I'm coeliac and I always take my own food regardless so have the opposite problem where the host may get offended!

It's not about just eating gf foods it's the cross contamination and for me it's not worth getting ill over.

My thoughts exactly!

I think it is rude not to cater for medically required diets. A buffet has cross contamination issues, but a good host could make you a gluten free plate and set it aside in advance of the party.

Not catering for dietary preferences isn’t the same. Whether it is pickiness, a philosophical diet, or a religious diet, none of those are actually required. I don’t think a host is rude to not go out of their way to adjust the menu for every preference.

I see your point about the way the message was sent could be seen as rude unless you are a family that is generally pretty direct. And if you have hosted her a lot and she hasn't reciprocated much, I can see why it would annoy.

But the way you phrased the OP seemed more about the general expectation that a host ought to feel obliged to adapt to and cater for all their guests' needs, which I think is what most people are finding unreasonable.

If they do cater for you it’s like Smithy’s bhunas everyone else likes the look of what has been put in a little gluten free section near the vegetarian section and tries a bit, and by the time you get to the buffet with your plate you’re left with no choice (or Stacey’s korma) and then we’d have a post about how they catered something specifically for you and everyone else ate it leaving you with nothing still. Bring your own food and eat it in the car.

It’s really not difficult to provide gluten free food. They probably didn’t mean to be rude, but yanbu.

We are in a cost of living crisis and buying special bread, flour? What else? I have no idea where even I would start.

Unless you are only going to provide pork pies and sandwiches for guests it really, really isn't difficult to prepare a selection of gluten free foods - a selection of cold meats, cheeses and salads, poached salmon, potato salad (check that the mayo is GF), rice salad, crisps, Spanish omelette, hummus and crudites for example.

Are people so lacking in imagination? Don't they have access to google? All supermarkets have GF sections in these days.

I was at a friend's house the other day and nearly everything on the table was GF as we had two coeliacs there. The pretzels and crackers were from the GF section, but everything else was naturally GF.