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Original poster

What do you wish you'd known or done before your children started secondary school?

113 replies

coodawoodashooda · 04/04/2023 18:27

We have more than a year to go but am starting to panic. Any tips?

OP posts:
redskylight · 04/04/2023 18:38

Don't panic?

CatOnTheChair · 04/04/2023 18:38

They grow up lots.
It's scarier for you than them - you have to give them much more responsibility.
They need you as much, just in a different way.
It will likely all be fine, but there can be some big upsets on the way - ride with it.

queenofthewild · 04/04/2023 18:42

Nothing to panic about at all

If your DC doesn't have a mobile phone yet, it's worth getting one in advance of them starting secondary, and getting your head around the parental controls. Despite DS's school being very anti phones and insisting they are turned off and in bags at all times, they also set all homework via an app, so they almost definitely need a phone out of school!

Only thing you need to do is pay attention during the settling in period - take note of school holiday dates and inset days - I find secondary issues fewer reminders than primary, which doesn't bother me as my diary is up to date, but it usually causes a flurry of drama on the parents WhatsApp groups, and familiarise yourself with the apps and tech that homework is set on.

MojoMoon · 04/04/2023 18:42

What are you panicking about?

Do you think they will struggle academically? You can help there (tutors etc)

Do you think they will make friends you don't like? You can't actually do much there....

BeanCounterBabe · 04/04/2023 18:51

Nothing to panic about. My two have thrived and achieved far better than at primary. Current year 8 child had a rough year 7 (awful year group due to CoViD affect in year 5/6). School have been fantastic at dealing with it.

Let your DC develop their independence and contact school with genuine concerns.

Patchworksack · 04/04/2023 19:25

I have found the lack of knowing what is going on difficult. My sons get the bus to school and I have zero contact with their teachers. In theory they have a form tutor that moves up the school with them and is in charge of pastoral care but in practice it hasn’t happened. As one child in 300 unless they are top of everything or throwing chairs at staff I think they are overlooked. Reports are a single word assessment of achievement and effort. Parents evening, if you can get a slot, is 5 min per subject once a year. I’ve just had a meeting with head of year and actual reports (instigated by HOY) from all subject teachers and it’s revealed a significant issue which was completely not on their radar. Part of it is letting them be more independent - great when it works - my Y11 has had a great journey through school. Not so great if there are issues.

rainbowunicorn · 04/04/2023 19:36

Make sure they have a mobile. Give them independence to start going into town, get the bus, train etc now so that they are used to it. They should be getting themselves organised e.g sorting bag PE stuff etc. Make sure they are doing this now.
Be prepared for them changing very quickly in the first term. You won't get contact with teachers etc.
Similarly you won't know who all their friends are and you won't have much contact with friends parents.

sixfoot · 04/04/2023 19:39

It’s SO MUCH BETTER than Primary. i had absolutely HAD it by the end of year 6. Everything is better, they are more engaged, the work is harder, more independent, more friends, more experiences… And the bare minimum parental involvement.

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 04/04/2023 19:40

MojoMoon · 04/04/2023 18:42

What are you panicking about?

Do you think they will struggle academically? You can help there (tutors etc)

Do you think they will make friends you don't like? You can't actually do much there....

Both....

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/04/2023 19:42

Unless they start this coming Sept 23, you can relax a bit. They change so much from y5 to y6.

Do you know which school they are likely to get into?

Number24Bus · 04/04/2023 19:46

Don't worry if it takes them a little while to settle in and find their tribe. My DD is in year 10 and no one is still friends with their year 7 friends.

mnahmnah · 04/04/2023 19:47

I’m the mum of a yr6 and also a secondary teacher, so i am seeing it from both sides!

As a parent, definitely get them sorted with a phone and get them used to the social aspects and responsibilities of that. Start letting them walk places and spend time without you once they are well into yr6.

As a teacher, please get them organised and independent. It’s amazing how many yr 7 students every year just think we’re going to do everything for them. Or they are surprised by having to organise their own bags, books etc. They should be packing their own bag, doing their homework by themselves and not with a parent or copying from google.

Darsar111 · 04/04/2023 19:48

Welcome any friends with open arms (even if you don't like them). It's far better to know what they are all doing and who with ....under your own roof if possible!

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 04/04/2023 19:55

mnahmnah · 04/04/2023 19:47

I’m the mum of a yr6 and also a secondary teacher, so i am seeing it from both sides!

As a parent, definitely get them sorted with a phone and get them used to the social aspects and responsibilities of that. Start letting them walk places and spend time without you once they are well into yr6.

As a teacher, please get them organised and independent. It’s amazing how many yr 7 students every year just think we’re going to do everything for them. Or they are surprised by having to organise their own bags, books etc. They should be packing their own bag, doing their homework by themselves and not with a parent or copying from google.

We are almost there with independent homework. Definitely not with the independent organisation though...

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 04/04/2023 19:57

They have to find the correct books etc in their bag at the start of each lesson super quick. Get packed up quick. Get to each lesson around a big school with an amaze or corridors. So an organised bag and general organised attitude is essential!

mac1974 · 04/04/2023 19:57

My DD just started last sept & she's a pretty well rounded, sensible kid who went to a 3 form primary school but she struggled with amount of people both on the bus & moving around the school...the shoving/banging on bus windows/rush of the school canteen
It's just a whole new dynamic. She found winter hard as she leaves the house at 7.15am and it's still dark however, since Xmas she's really settled into the routine. Found friendships, found a new confidence and is doing really well.
I was completely unprepared for what an emotional journey it was going to be for both of us. Silly things like people airdropping rude pics on the bus (she doesn't accept them)......it's just a whole new world.
Good luck!

mnahmnah · 04/04/2023 19:57

*with a maze of corridors

RandomExpletive · 04/04/2023 20:01

This sounds really, really stupid and it’s a number of years off for you but don’t underestimate how short sixth form is and how important it is they put the work in in Y12.

It’s not like Y7, they have literally no time to coast. Predicted grades - which is what they need to get uni offers - are based on the work they do in that 10 months from Sept - June in Y12, mainly.

Oblomov23 · 04/04/2023 20:04

I wasn't worried. Ds2 was organised, packed his bag and made a lunch the night before.

Friendofdennis · 04/04/2023 20:06

I wish I’d known that they can be shown porn by other kids without warning in the school yard or anywhere really. So I wish I’d prepared them for that in some way (not sure how)

BertieBotts · 04/04/2023 20:07

sixfoot · 04/04/2023 19:39

It’s SO MUCH BETTER than Primary. i had absolutely HAD it by the end of year 6. Everything is better, they are more engaged, the work is harder, more independent, more friends, more experiences… And the bare minimum parental involvement.

Absolutely this!!

Secondary is a dream and such a relief. I loved the fact that DS1 actually started developing interests and hobbies as well rather than just blindly following along whatever was cool in his class that week.

Maybe - if you're not used to giving your kids responsibility, start thinking about what that might look like.

I've found the framework in the book Raising Human Beings to be really great in terms of discussing any issues. If you come at them all accusatory and dictating they get defensive very, very quickly. If you approach things as in: This is the problem and I'm on your team, but how are we going to fix it? That seems to be much more effective.

Start out with trust and if/when they break the trust, assume positive intent and try to work with them to fix it, it goes a long way.

WeAreAllLionesses · 04/04/2023 20:12

(I work in a school)

They should know how to tie a tie and tie their shoelaces. If they don't, or have velcro shoes, get them learning over the summer.

Tip for left handed students: to learn how to do the above, do it opposite them not next to them.

Small things but you really don't want your child to be the one who can't!

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 04/04/2023 20:35

WeAreAllLionesses · 04/04/2023 20:12

(I work in a school)

They should know how to tie a tie and tie their shoelaces. If they don't, or have velcro shoes, get them learning over the summer.

Tip for left handed students: to learn how to do the above, do it opposite them not next to them.

Small things but you really don't want your child to be the one who can't!

Tie a tie. I'd forgotten about this lost art.

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 04/04/2023 20:53

Organisation is key - and it needs to be directed by then not you.

Start now - what day do they take X to school? What day is the deadline to return X to school or pau for a trip? Help them with structure like drawing up a timetable to stick on the wall or working out other mechanisms that can help but don't save them from messing up.

Far better they learn at 10 or 11 or 12that there are consequences to failing to organise themselves than when they are revising for GCSEs.
Better they get a detention or miss lunch break or whatever for forgetting their PE kit now than fail to revise for their exams at 16.

Don't argue over small things like them wearing a coat. They won't actually freeze to death, they'll just be uncomfortable and learn from the experience.

Talk to them proactively about things like phone use and it's link to mental health, porn etc. Maybe find an article in a newspaper to help direct the conversation. Keep talking to them about it - regular small talks not one big one off!

Encourage them to invite their friends round. Have lots of snacks in the house.

A lot of girls stop doing sport in secondary school - boys are still having a lunchtime kick around but girls are not running around. Encourage/facilitate activities like yoga or dance or running out of school if they aren't into traditional team sports. It's much harder to get back into activity as an adult.