To just let them all go? (Long Residency Battle)

[RuinedMyFamily]

2017 split with now ExH due to his violence and control. DC was a toddler.

Early 2018 he took me to court initially for full residency with no visitation for me. He was awarded supervised contact, this was supervised by his family.

6 months later he was given unsupervised daytime contact which eventually built up to 2 overnights EOWend and 1 night for tea.

2019 he took me to court for more contact again and was granted 1 overnight in the week, another teatime and 2 nights EOWend (so 4 in 14)

He completely disappeared from our lives from 2020 until early 2021 stating covid was too dangerous. He had daytime contact only for 2021.

Overnights restarted again mid 2021.

Last year he took me back to court again for another variation and was awarded the other teatime as an overnight, so now has 5 in 14.

He’s issued papers again and is now again asking for full residency with EOWend visitation for me. This is what he’s been trying for all along.

DC is now 8, almost 9 and this is what they want. To live with dad and see me at weekends only. I know that if ExH gets residency I will never see my DC again, ExHs parting shot to me in the initial court proceedings where that my DC would eventually hate me as much as he hates me. But proving parent alienation is like finding hens teeth, my solicitor whose been by my side through all this has never successfully in her 20 year career proven PA.

This whole process has cost me over £30k, I can’t keep fighting it. Even if he doesn’t get residency this time, we’ll be dragged back again and again until he gets it. And I keep thinking of all the things I could have had with that money; a mortgage/secure home for DC, a once in a lifetime holiday with DC etc.

He’s never paid me a penny in maintenance because CMS cannot find an income for him and he knows he’d get around £500 a month off me, that with his savings (which I know he has) he’d never have to work again. That’s his aim all along, he refused to work when we were together and has always told me he hates working and doesn’t see why he should have to do it.

I’d never not pay for my DC.

So I’ve said that I will walk into that court and offer to hand DC over to him, I’ll pay my maintenance each month and fight to see them as often as I can, but I can’t keep going back and forth to court, it could cost me another £10-15k and I just can’t afford that. And that’s without the mental toll the repeated court appearences, cafcass involvement, having to get paperwork off school and the GP and everyone else (DC has a minor medical issue) takes on me. And the time off work, I take it as either unpaid leave (to save my AL for using with DC) or AL which means less time with DC. I just can’t do it

But if I do that, I’ll lose my extended family over it.

Both my parents have said I’m giving up, that they’d never give up no matter how much the mental or physical cost. That they’d keep fighting and fighting and fighting to prove to DC that they love them and their rightful home is here with me.

They don’t get when I explain that it’s the emotional cost of repeatedly having my parenting examined, it’s the emotional toll of being undermined, it’s the time off work and my employer while understanding not getting the process either and a change of manager meaning I have to explain the whole process and the whole sorry scenario again. They don’t get that I am scared to even take DC away in this country in case I’m accused of kidnap and lose my rights to see them. They keep repeating the MN line of “abusive men give up when the hardwork starts” well this one hasn’t, he’s been consistent and done everything right, some would even say he’s a fantastic dad.

They’ve told me if I hand DC over then they’re disowning me, and will tell everyone they only have 2 grandchildren instead of 3 because to them I’m giving up on DC, so they’re giving up on me.

And I’m at the point of thinking “f**k em all” and to let it happen, because my self preservation is worth more. But I hate them for it to.

So ExH not only got residency but he’s destroyed me and my family in the process.

I know IABVU but I don’t have a choice or unlimited money.

How is a violent man a fantastic dad? What on earth possessed the courts to give him so much access?? I'm so sorry OP, this sounds horrible and entirely unfair.

Was the violence ever reported or recorded?

If your DC goes to live with him might they change their minds later on?

What would happen if you offered 50/50?

Do you think your DC has been coerced?

It's a really awful situation.

@RestingRulers Repeated reports to the police about the violence, all recorded incidences were in the initial cafcass report but according to cafcass they were only against me not DC so don't count.

If I offer 50/50 I know we'll be back in court in 6-12 months time him asking for full residency and I think he'd get it. So I'm basically saving myself money now.

Yes I think DC is being coerced but I've never managed to prove it, I asked for counselling at school for DC and was told that DC didn't say anything that indicated they where being coerced or subject to parent alienation.

oh my goodness that's the saddest thing i've read in a long time, i can hear your depressed and defeated voice in your writing.
im so so sorry for you predicament and have no answer for you.
other than could you not get your nasty husbands words on tape to prove what he's trying to do re. the alienation of parental affection
I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Message me if you want I have been through parental alienation

Why would they award him full residency when he does 5 in 14? What does your solicitor say?

this sounds awful, but what does your solicitor say about his chances of getting what he wants? Isn't it quite unlikely for full the resident parent to get that taken off them for no real reason? 50/50 maybe, but full sounds strange.

@FoolsOld Solicitor says he has a chance of getting full residency if he can prove thats what DC wants and as DC repeatedly says it is what they want he'll get it.

He's been consistent, apart from during the pandemic he's never missed a contact at all, and apparently pandemic can't be brought up as evidence as it was "unprecedented and unpredictable" so basically the year he disappeared gets ignored.

@Itsbytheby We're fighting it but becasue DC says they want to live with dad my solicitor thinks that the courts may well say he can have full residency.

And to your OP, no I wouldn't give up. If you can't afford the legal assistance I would represent myself rather than give up.

Both my parents have said I’m giving up, that they’d never give up no matter how much the mental or physical cost. That they’d keep fighting and fighting and fighting to prove to DC that they love them and their rightful home is here with me.

How spectacularly unhelpful. Are they helping with the time and costs at all?

agree. never give up. Never.

keep going and going and going and keep all records of everything. Get a Mckenzie friend if you can't have legal assistance anymore.

But he wants you to give up.

I have a family member who fought like this for 14 years.

her sons are now 16 and 18 and while when they were younger they had no clue what the truth was they know now.

If your solicitor really thinks that a judge will give full residency to a man with a history of violence based on the wishes of an 8 year old, then family court is even more broken than I realised.

I’d get a new lawyer. One with some fight. Or just represent yourself and save yourself the money. I absolutely would not give up on my child.

Courts do not just swap residency over like that with no cause. They don’t generally pay much attention to the wishes of kids that young either.

I would offer 50 /50. I don't think giving up should be an option but I also would stop with the legal representation. It hasn't worked thus far. Why should you keep bankrupting yourself on his say so.

OP, I know it's awful & I fully understand feeling 'broken' by it all. I've been through, and still am, going through pointless, exhausting court battles involving an abusive ex.

You can't give up. Yes, it's deeply unfair you've to fight so much and pay so much - you can't stop. Ever.

Your DD needs you.

What you must prioritise is your relationship with her. I'm not doubting your account but why is she saying she wants to live with him when you are her primary carer? I'm assuming it's more than he's the soft touch / easier parent to get her own way.

She is 8 and you can appropriately explain why she should live with you, how much you love her, and that you want to support her always.

I'm very sorry. These situations can be horrific.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why your DC is so insistent that this is what they want. If you can get to the bottom of that then maybe you can start to tick some of those boxes yourself. I think you need your DC to know how much that hurts you and that while you could consider 50:50 you love them and would be devastated if you saw less of them.

If you let your DD go you will then be fighting through the courts to see him for the EOW you are supposed to.

I guess I would concede to the 50:50 and then node your time knowing he will request more. Then your DS will be older and may have experienced more of his Dads awful behaviour.

It sucks

You are NOT unreasonable. It is so fucking hard.

can you just not show up in court? Is that an option?
It is in my country, if you don’t show up there is no case to be heard.

Just ignore him and his solicitors letters.
(Represent yourself if you must.) just save the money and hassle.

I regret hugely trying to help my kids through going to court. It was pointless.

God I'm just so sorry this is happening to you

OP don't give up, do it for all the supportive MNs whoxare rooting for you.
If you don't fight you will regret it later. Just a little but longer, one more time...
It's easy to say they want to live with daddy when you're tje one doing all the everyday. They would miss you horribly.
Courage! Stay strong! You sound amazing. Keep it up.

What reasons does dc give for not wanting to live with you anymore?

@Theunamedcat Dad doesn't make them go to school, dad doesn't make them tidy up, dad is fun, dad doesn't take them to the dentist or make them do homework, dad gives them whatever they want all time, dad doesn't take them for bloodtests for their medical issue (I try and make it as pain free as possible with emla cream and always get them a treat after but dad doesn't take them at all so it doesn't compare)

I am so sorry,.the family courts are an utter nightmare and I can only imagine how exhausted and wrung out you are from this.

I'm not sure Aibu is the right forum..

I think you should fight, even if you go unrepresented, and then you will always know you did what you could.

But I understand the bone tired wearyness of dealing with the lies and bullying and manipulation.

And I understand the bafflement of knowing that you have evidence a man is violent but everyone in the system just chooses to ignore it.

This is neglect though.

Surely social services would be involved if the child stopped going to school and turning up for medical appointments?!

Don't give up OP. If I thought for one second my child was going to be neglected in the way you describe there, I would fight him to the bitter end to prevent it.