To just let them all go? (Long Residency Battle)

[RuinedMyFamily]

2017 split with now ExH due to his violence and control. DC was a toddler.

Early 2018 he took me to court initially for full residency with no visitation for me. He was awarded supervised contact, this was supervised by his family.

6 months later he was given unsupervised daytime contact which eventually built up to 2 overnights EOWend and 1 night for tea.

2019 he took me to court for more contact again and was granted 1 overnight in the week, another teatime and 2 nights EOWend (so 4 in 14)

He completely disappeared from our lives from 2020 until early 2021 stating covid was too dangerous. He had daytime contact only for 2021.

Overnights restarted again mid 2021.

Last year he took me back to court again for another variation and was awarded the other teatime as an overnight, so now has 5 in 14.

He’s issued papers again and is now again asking for full residency with EOWend visitation for me. This is what he’s been trying for all along.

DC is now 8, almost 9 and this is what they want. To live with dad and see me at weekends only. I know that if ExH gets residency I will never see my DC again, ExHs parting shot to me in the initial court proceedings where that my DC would eventually hate me as much as he hates me. But proving parent alienation is like finding hens teeth, my solicitor whose been by my side through all this has never successfully in her 20 year career proven PA.

This whole process has cost me over £30k, I can’t keep fighting it. Even if he doesn’t get residency this time, we’ll be dragged back again and again until he gets it. And I keep thinking of all the things I could have had with that money; a mortgage/secure home for DC, a once in a lifetime holiday with DC etc.

He’s never paid me a penny in maintenance because CMS cannot find an income for him and he knows he’d get around £500 a month off me, that with his savings (which I know he has) he’d never have to work again. That’s his aim all along, he refused to work when we were together and has always told me he hates working and doesn’t see why he should have to do it.

I’d never not pay for my DC.

So I’ve said that I will walk into that court and offer to hand DC over to him, I’ll pay my maintenance each month and fight to see them as often as I can, but I can’t keep going back and forth to court, it could cost me another £10-15k and I just can’t afford that. And that’s without the mental toll the repeated court appearences, cafcass involvement, having to get paperwork off school and the GP and everyone else (DC has a minor medical issue) takes on me. And the time off work, I take it as either unpaid leave (to save my AL for using with DC) or AL which means less time with DC. I just can’t do it

But if I do that, I’ll lose my extended family over it.

Both my parents have said I’m giving up, that they’d never give up no matter how much the mental or physical cost. That they’d keep fighting and fighting and fighting to prove to DC that they love them and their rightful home is here with me.

They don’t get when I explain that it’s the emotional cost of repeatedly having my parenting examined, it’s the emotional toll of being undermined, it’s the time off work and my employer while understanding not getting the process either and a change of manager meaning I have to explain the whole process and the whole sorry scenario again. They don’t get that I am scared to even take DC away in this country in case I’m accused of kidnap and lose my rights to see them. They keep repeating the MN line of “abusive men give up when the hardwork starts” well this one hasn’t, he’s been consistent and done everything right, some would even say he’s a fantastic dad.

They’ve told me if I hand DC over then they’re disowning me, and will tell everyone they only have 2 grandchildren instead of 3 because to them I’m giving up on DC, so they’re giving up on me.

And I’m at the point of thinking “f**k em all” and to let it happen, because my self preservation is worth more. But I hate them for it to.

So ExH not only got residency but he’s destroyed me and my family in the process.

I know IABVU but I don’t have a choice or unlimited money.

It is that broken. It's shocking (I am lawyer albeit in a different discipline and my experiences left me deeply shocked by the mess the family courts are in)

But it's still worth fighting. Sometimes you get a sensible cafcass officer or a sensible judge .

@SweetSakura I was told by police that I needed to leave for mine and DCs safety and that they'd report me to SS if I didn't aka I could lose DC if I stayed and now I'm going to lose DC to ExH anyway, it doesn't make sense.

@Dacadactyl ExH says the medical condition doesn't need that much of regular monitoring and as it's advise not mandated as he has PR he's allowed to make that decision himself so therefore it can't be used as medical neglect in court. Doesn't make sense to me either but the last judge threw it out of court so I can't even use it again as thrown out evidence can't be bought back to court.

And ExH could just register DC as homeschooling, and there's no checks at all and he'd be allowed to do that to.

If the courts give him access they must a reason.

Unless.your parents are going to start funding this then they need to butt out. Is that an.option?

I totally sympathise. None of it makes any sense. The police helped me to leave too. I thought I had escaped. It turned out it was out of the frying pan into the fire

What a lovely naive belief.

Unfortunately the ethos of cafcass is to push for contact any cost. I know someone who took up a senior post in cafcass only to leave swiftly when they realised the underlying ethos was so skewed away from caring about children's safety or children's rights.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Children usually have to be a little bit older to actually choose where they live so please don't give up. My friends children didn't want to see their Dad at all but he was granted 50/50 access. They were 10 and 12.

If a man is denied contact the courts are protecting the children. If the children are removed from a woman, the courts, CAFCASS, and the whole world are biased and unfair. It cannot be both ways.

Just represent yourself, it's free.

I would keep fighting but ask for more support from your parents, financial and emotional. It can't be in the best interest of your child to go to a home where his medical and educational needs are not being met.

If they said this to Cafcass, this isn’t going to be a good reason for them to live with him. Quite the opposite.

Represent yourself if you have to, but do not give up.

Would representing yourself save money?

I'd go and agree 50:50. Week at yours and week at his. You may give him rope to hang himself if he isn't making dc go to school or taking care of his basic needs

There's no valid reason though for the court to reduce your contact to any less than 50%z

There's no abuse, neglect or danger from you, then whilst an 8 yr old might say that's where they want to live, in the balance of the current set up there is no benefit to the child to do appease that.

It's not in the child's best interest to not see you, therefore the court can award up to 50/50 for the non resident parent of that is in the child's best interest which has to be evidenced.

So you do need to go through this. Once you are at 50/50 it's really hard to come back from that without clear and specific evidence of abuse, neglect danger or harm etc.

50/50 is the norm these days in the absence of any of those things.

This is a battle and l'm roiting for you OP. Perseverance beats resistance every time. You sound like you've been resisting, but surely you're the one persevering so you should win!

Your DC is a little young to be given 100% choice here. Why don't you agree 50:50 instead of fighting full custody? Thrash it out, final agreement, end of. Your DC will get to an age when they see they are being coerced but to speed it up, maybe put a tape recorder in his stuff or a mini camera somewhere so you can record/see it. Appreciate it can't be used in court if it was a criminal case, but why can't it be used in civil court. You're protecting your DC.

And put HMRC onto your DH. How is he living if he's not working? How is able to provide for your child? His savings would probably prevent him from claiming but you never know. AHs like him will try it on in every area of their life so he may be signing on....

Best of luck, you don't need to give up yet. Your solicitor says there's a chance but that doesn't mean it's a foregone conclusion.

Have you tried discussing with your son, OP?

I mean, I have a 5 year old DD and she is very capable of understanding that although I am the more boring parent, I have her best interests at heart. Your DC seems a bit limited in their understanding of the parental dynamic. Could you take them to family counselling? Then in later life you can tell them that you tried to keep hold of them in the court and you took them to a counsellor to help to communicate how much you love them and want to support them.

I'd ask your parents to fund this one.

self represent OP. Do not give up

if it is a choice between self representing or giving up - what are you losing?

we are rooting for you.

Explain to your child in child friendly language, why mummy does "boring" things, why you want to see them as much as daddy etc. do not give up

Fucking hell, you poor thing. I went through court with my ex and I understand how exhausting it all is, I developed severe anxiety as a result but I agree, don't give up even if you have to self represent. You'll never be able to relax knowing your child is being neglected and one day, your child will hopefully understand.

You will look back and regret it if you hand DC over. It must be so incredibly hard to keep fighting this. Lose the lawyer if it's too expensive. Represent yourself.
If you can't 'fight' with all guns blazing then just show up. Don't hand DC over. Explain how exhausted you are from all of this. Be there, do what you can.
At least you wouldn't have 'given up'.

Do not hide recording devices. This would be looked on very poorly in court.

Your ex can’t just de-reg DC from school - because you have PR too, and so you would just take it straight back to court for a prohibited steps order - and a judge would decide whether or not it was in the child’s best interests to homeschool them.

If these are the reasons they give to CAFCASS then there's no way they'd change residency

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in a similar situation.

Sounds like you need a new solicitor or rep yourself. Two points to note.

1. If he can't prove an income. How can he support them? I know you say he has savings this is not sustainable. So he'll have to state his income.
2. He needs to prove he has a satisfactory plan of how he will do all the things you list, school, appointments etc when he has never had consistent care.

Those were the two main things that went in my favour. The judge could see this constant court action was a feature of the coercive control I had pit in my evidence. He said if he saw my partner back in court, he'd take away all the custody.

Good luck and hope you have some friends in real life to support you. I am sorry your parents are being the way they are in your time of need.

Why would the court award full
resudency? Surely if they were going to agree anything it would be 50/50?

Don't give up, keep fighting, you can do this. It's better to go through this yearly than lose your precious boy.

Get a different solicitor who specialises in family law.