To just let them all go? (Long Residency Battle)

[RuinedMyFamily]

2017 split with now ExH due to his violence and control. DC was a toddler.

Early 2018 he took me to court initially for full residency with no visitation for me. He was awarded supervised contact, this was supervised by his family.

6 months later he was given unsupervised daytime contact which eventually built up to 2 overnights EOWend and 1 night for tea.

2019 he took me to court for more contact again and was granted 1 overnight in the week, another teatime and 2 nights EOWend (so 4 in 14)

He completely disappeared from our lives from 2020 until early 2021 stating covid was too dangerous. He had daytime contact only for 2021.

Overnights restarted again mid 2021.

Last year he took me back to court again for another variation and was awarded the other teatime as an overnight, so now has 5 in 14.

He’s issued papers again and is now again asking for full residency with EOWend visitation for me. This is what he’s been trying for all along.

DC is now 8, almost 9 and this is what they want. To live with dad and see me at weekends only. I know that if ExH gets residency I will never see my DC again, ExHs parting shot to me in the initial court proceedings where that my DC would eventually hate me as much as he hates me. But proving parent alienation is like finding hens teeth, my solicitor whose been by my side through all this has never successfully in her 20 year career proven PA.

This whole process has cost me over £30k, I can’t keep fighting it. Even if he doesn’t get residency this time, we’ll be dragged back again and again until he gets it. And I keep thinking of all the things I could have had with that money; a mortgage/secure home for DC, a once in a lifetime holiday with DC etc.

He’s never paid me a penny in maintenance because CMS cannot find an income for him and he knows he’d get around £500 a month off me, that with his savings (which I know he has) he’d never have to work again. That’s his aim all along, he refused to work when we were together and has always told me he hates working and doesn’t see why he should have to do it.

I’d never not pay for my DC.

So I’ve said that I will walk into that court and offer to hand DC over to him, I’ll pay my maintenance each month and fight to see them as often as I can, but I can’t keep going back and forth to court, it could cost me another £10-15k and I just can’t afford that. And that’s without the mental toll the repeated court appearences, cafcass involvement, having to get paperwork off school and the GP and everyone else (DC has a minor medical issue) takes on me. And the time off work, I take it as either unpaid leave (to save my AL for using with DC) or AL which means less time with DC. I just can’t do it

But if I do that, I’ll lose my extended family over it.

Both my parents have said I’m giving up, that they’d never give up no matter how much the mental or physical cost. That they’d keep fighting and fighting and fighting to prove to DC that they love them and their rightful home is here with me.

They don’t get when I explain that it’s the emotional cost of repeatedly having my parenting examined, it’s the emotional toll of being undermined, it’s the time off work and my employer while understanding not getting the process either and a change of manager meaning I have to explain the whole process and the whole sorry scenario again. They don’t get that I am scared to even take DC away in this country in case I’m accused of kidnap and lose my rights to see them. They keep repeating the MN line of “abusive men give up when the hardwork starts” well this one hasn’t, he’s been consistent and done everything right, some would even say he’s a fantastic dad.

They’ve told me if I hand DC over then they’re disowning me, and will tell everyone they only have 2 grandchildren instead of 3 because to them I’m giving up on DC, so they’re giving up on me.

And I’m at the point of thinking “f**k em all” and to let it happen, because my self preservation is worth more. But I hate them for it to.

So ExH not only got residency but he’s destroyed me and my family in the process.

I know IABVU but I don’t have a choice or unlimited money.

If you self-represent, definitely get a mackenzie friend. They don't cost, and can't give legal advice but they provide support in court against abusive ex's and explain the legal stuff which is going on..

I’d point out the repeated court action from him is yet another way he’s abusing you. It’s bloody ridiculous that the court is even allowing this to happen.

Is your solicitor a specialist? Seems to me he is using the process to keep up his abuse of you. Worth exploring that angle with Rights of Women? They specialise in abuse cases.

@Summerhillsquare Solicitor is specialist in Family Law and was recommended to me by Womens Aid, she came highly recommended and introduced me to several previous clients who all sung her praises.

Is it possible that if you stop fighting and just say, okay come on Tuesday, all their stuff will be packed up and ready for you to take away, I’m looking forward to a few child free years, that he might be taken aback? Perhaps the fight and the conflict and the feeling that he is hurting you and giving you grief is one of his main ( possibly only, he doesn’t seem to care much about the child’s welfare) motivations.

If you say ‘ yup, fine, but don’t think I’ll be answering queries or available for child care when you are busy, child wants you, you want them, Im out’ that might be quite sobering. I bet your child will be suddenly dismayed at the thought of good old reliable dependable Mum not being there to reassure him/ her that you can always be relied on might be a wake up call, as well.

I expect this sounds hard as nails, and it probably is. But it might be effective, too.

You are wrong, yes you have to supply a report BUT LA are NO entitled to ask for evidence of work as it is outside their remit.

It won't cost you anything to self represent.

If there is documented abuse/womens aid involvement that can trigger legal aid.

You can't give up and leave your child with a violent man.

this is so sad to read.

if i was in your shoes, would i try and fight some more? maybe

but at some point surely enough is enough. and as another poster said, what would happen if you just agreed to 100%? would he back off? or is this just another stick to beat you with? what would happen next?

ExH will lord it over me if I give up and will tell my DC I gave up on them so I know it'll be the end of the road and I will never see DC again, but I can't keep paying and fighting, I just don't have the money.

I'll look into a mackenzie friend thank you.

@Willyoujustbequiet Womens Aid discharged me and I earn to much to qualify for legal aid, I've applied several times and been rejected, you have to earn under something like £7k a year and I earn over double that - but still under the average uk income, CMS would expect me to pay around £35 a week but I'd pay more as I know how much it is actually costing me to raise DC, including travel and parking for their regular blood tests.

You appear to be an intelligent woman. You have already faced court and are aware of procedures. There is absolutely nothing to stop you self representing. Ime people do it very successfully as they know their case inside out and feel far more passionately about it than a barrister who has often received the brief the night before.

Money really doesn't have to be an issue so be honest with yourself.

What do you say to DC when they say they want to live with Dad? Is it when you say no to them?
I genuinely can't see a court removing your access unless there's stuff you've not said. Perhaps at worst 50:50?

Keep fighting - you have to. Don't let him win.

Just think that £30k could have been spent on taking him out 😉

Please, under no circumstance overpay cms (if it comes to that).

The shit will hit the fan in the future and guess who will need to come to the rescue: it will be you and you will need your money.

Save whatever you were planning to pay extra. Your ex wants the responsibility and he may have it all.
You WILL need that money for your children further down the line. Don’t give them to your ex because he will just squander them.