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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really struggled with this at work today?

133 replies

098j · 03/04/2023 18:22

I'll preface by saying that I have handed in my notice at work as I know it's not suitable for me, I functioned a lot better in my previous work environment so am looking for a new job that is better suited for me. I also strongly suspected that I am autistic.

This morning I logged onto work feeling really stressed out about a project of mine so I was already feeling overwhelmed. I find Mondays stressful as I have lots of meetings, so it's hard to get actual work done.

My manager messaged me and apologised for the late notice but that it was my turn to do 'show and tell' in our team meeting that morning (where we talk about something interesting we've recently watched/read/seen - usually something like a recent museum exhibit or art gallery they have attended) and they had forgotten to tell me. I had nothing prepared for it, and it just took me completely by surprise and I just burst into tears (I was WFH). I know I would have been expected to just muddle something together last minute but I can't. I get anxious speaking up in meetings that if I had known it was my time I would have spent my entire weekend thinking up something to talk about and preparing for it. If it had been a work-related presentation I would have been ok, but I find these more casual ice breaker kind of things stressful.

I feel silly for reacting like that, and don't know why I couldn't have just got on with it. I don't understand why I'm like this

OP posts:
ShagratandGorbag4ever · 04/04/2023 12:48

I think your presentation should be 'how to make a bomb from fertiliser'. Don't forget to bring in a bag of manure.

Harrypewter · 04/04/2023 12:58

Give a presentation on the weekends swinging party.

Irritateandunreasonable · 04/04/2023 13:10

098j · 03/04/2023 18:22

I'll preface by saying that I have handed in my notice at work as I know it's not suitable for me, I functioned a lot better in my previous work environment so am looking for a new job that is better suited for me. I also strongly suspected that I am autistic.

This morning I logged onto work feeling really stressed out about a project of mine so I was already feeling overwhelmed. I find Mondays stressful as I have lots of meetings, so it's hard to get actual work done.

My manager messaged me and apologised for the late notice but that it was my turn to do 'show and tell' in our team meeting that morning (where we talk about something interesting we've recently watched/read/seen - usually something like a recent museum exhibit or art gallery they have attended) and they had forgotten to tell me. I had nothing prepared for it, and it just took me completely by surprise and I just burst into tears (I was WFH). I know I would have been expected to just muddle something together last minute but I can't. I get anxious speaking up in meetings that if I had known it was my time I would have spent my entire weekend thinking up something to talk about and preparing for it. If it had been a work-related presentation I would have been ok, but I find these more casual ice breaker kind of things stressful.

I feel silly for reacting like that, and don't know why I couldn't have just got on with it. I don't understand why I'm like this

Surely you just reply saying ‘sorry it’s to late notice, next time’

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 04/04/2023 13:16

I hate, hate, hate this kind of thing. I also work for a company that is full of such stuff (though not this specifically).

Our manager once asked us all at the start of a meeting (ie no notice at all/time to prepare) to tell the rest of the team about something positive in our lives. This happened at the height of the pandemic/lockdown. I thought this was the most insensitive thing ever to be honest, who knows what people were going through in their private lives. Some people may really struggle to come up with something positive.

I would have just laughed it off and said I couldn't do it at such short notice. No need to get stressed and upset, just say you can't do it.

HoppingPavlova · 04/04/2023 13:23

Well, I agree it sounds silly and not everyone’s cup of tea. However, surely you could have just said, I was only told today I was doing this, so have not had time to prepare a slide but the last thing I watched on Netflix that I could recommend is ………, Just get it over and fine with in under two minutes.

GirlOfTudor · 04/04/2023 13:30

I'm sorry to hear you hadn't been told until so late ☹️ I'd react similarly tbh. Not sure what advice to give, except to Google something really quickly and announce you weren't told until so late so you're winging it ☹️ xxx

amusedbush · 04/04/2023 13:36

I feel silly for reacting like that, and don't know why I couldn't have just got on with it. I don't understand why I'm like this

You said it at the start of your post: you may be autistic. That's the variable some of these replies are missing.

I'm autistic and emotional dysregulation is a big part of it. Not to mention that one of the diagnostic criteria is restrictive, repetitive behaviours, which means experiencing distress when plans are changed. I recently had a meltdown (tears, panic, hand flapping) because I realised I'd accidentally bought the wrong side for my dinner. I went without food that night because I was so upset and my brain can't comprehend eating something different to what I'd planned.

Autistic people reacting autistic-ly to things they find difficult isn't childish or over the top, and suggesting it is reeks of ableism.

Brefugee · 04/04/2023 13:40

I'm junior at work so didn't feel able to say that I'm not doing it. I just said I didn't have time to prepare, so I think I'm going next week instead :(

it sounds stressful. But, OP, the good news is that you can learn tactics to handle things like this. Either refusing outright, or putting it off until a later date when you have more time to prepare.

I'm not among those who think this kind of thing is bad. I worked at a company where the senior director had been in a few sales pitches and was aghast that many of the managers were useless at presenting. So we all got a random topic allocated to us (literally loads of topics in an actual hat) and had to make a 5 minute presentation. When everyone had done that, (i think 2 a week) it was 10, then 15 then 20 minutes.

It really made a difference to a lot of people, especially the less sure and the younger employees.

burnoutbabe · 04/04/2023 13:47

CornishGem1975 · 03/04/2023 19:52

I don't really enjoy things like this but I do think you've massively overreacted. Surely it's easy to think of something on the spot about something like that - unless you do nothing in your spare time. I actually can't think of anything worse than spending all weekend preparing for something at work, especially something so trivial.

Yes agree.

Even a topic like "I did my tax return" could be okay. Surely it's also to encourage people to practice presenting in a low key way?

vitahelp · 04/04/2023 14:12

That's grim, I've often had to present in front of large groups of colleagues/customers on teams and in person. However being asked to do a non work related presentation over teams with no time to prepare would absolutely panic me and knock me sick!!

SoggyPigeon · 04/04/2023 14:23

Newgolddream70 · 03/04/2023 19:49

I bloody hate things like this. And also when they say 'tell us something about you no one knows'. Well, the reason no one knows is because it's private and I don't want anyone to know!

Sorry it made you feel crap OP. I think these things tend to happen a lot more in the workplace these days. Maybe it's worth having a few scenarios 'in the bank' in case you ever get asked something similar again.

God, we had this at work and my colleague (50 something) said that she and her newish dh shower together every night. 😂 Too much information. Our boss never made us do it again.

Newgolddream70 · 04/04/2023 15:32

@SoggyPigeon oh god, how embarrassing!

I used to work in graduate recruitment and my boss insisted that I ask one of these stupid ice breaker questions. I don't know who found it more cringeworthy: me having to ask the damn question or the poor grads having to answer it.

SoggyPigeon · 04/04/2023 15:53

Newgolddream70 · 04/04/2023 15:32

@SoggyPigeon oh god, how embarrassing!

I used to work in graduate recruitment and my boss insisted that I ask one of these stupid ice breaker questions. I don't know who found it more cringeworthy: me having to ask the damn question or the poor grads having to answer it.

@Newgolddream70 The room went very quiet, but she was surprisingly proud! 😂

Poor graduates. Probably just made something up anyway.

IvyIvyIvy · 04/04/2023 16:08

I can see what your manager is trying to achieve. It's an icebreaker and a way of easing people in from the weekend and building relationships. It's particularly important with remote working teams. However you should have been given more notice. Why didn't you just say you don't feel prepared at such short notice and that you'd happily do it next week?

rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2023 16:25

Is this actually a thing in the adult working world? Bloody hell!!!

I ask my class of five/six year olds what they did at the weekend when I'm trying to fill five minutes after playtime or before lunchtime etc!

I'd have told them I got up, made a cup of tea, showered, put some washing on, put the dishwasher from last night on blah blah bloody blah. Madness!!!

I'd rather go home half an hour earlier than sit through that shite!

namechange3394 · 04/04/2023 16:35

amusedbush · 04/04/2023 13:36

I feel silly for reacting like that, and don't know why I couldn't have just got on with it. I don't understand why I'm like this

You said it at the start of your post: you may be autistic. That's the variable some of these replies are missing.

I'm autistic and emotional dysregulation is a big part of it. Not to mention that one of the diagnostic criteria is restrictive, repetitive behaviours, which means experiencing distress when plans are changed. I recently had a meltdown (tears, panic, hand flapping) because I realised I'd accidentally bought the wrong side for my dinner. I went without food that night because I was so upset and my brain can't comprehend eating something different to what I'd planned.

Autistic people reacting autistic-ly to things they find difficult isn't childish or over the top, and suggesting it is reeks of ableism.

This.

I'm outwardly a functional woman with a fairly high powered responsible job.

I have ONLY got to that position because I understand my autistic brain and make allowances for myself, and set boundaries that I don't allow other people to pressure me into reacting normally.

As an aside your anecdote has reminded me of the time I cried the night DP served me chilli with pasta rather than rice because the box in the freezer was labelled as Bolognese and he hadn't realised when he defrosted it. I couldn't eat it. I felt so ungrateful. I just couldn't.

Thankfully DP is also neurodivergent and gets me, and hugged me and made me toast, rather than being pissed off that I didn't react "normally"😳

namechange3394 · 04/04/2023 16:37

IvyIvyIvy · 04/04/2023 16:08

I can see what your manager is trying to achieve. It's an icebreaker and a way of easing people in from the weekend and building relationships. It's particularly important with remote working teams. However you should have been given more notice. Why didn't you just say you don't feel prepared at such short notice and that you'd happily do it next week?

If the OP is indeed autistic, then you're basically asking her "why didn't you react like a neurotypical person?"

Which would be a little bit like asking someone in a wheelchair why they didn't just take the stairs when the lift was out of order.

Luxembourgmama · 04/04/2023 16:37

Brefugee · 04/04/2023 13:40

I'm junior at work so didn't feel able to say that I'm not doing it. I just said I didn't have time to prepare, so I think I'm going next week instead :(

it sounds stressful. But, OP, the good news is that you can learn tactics to handle things like this. Either refusing outright, or putting it off until a later date when you have more time to prepare.

I'm not among those who think this kind of thing is bad. I worked at a company where the senior director had been in a few sales pitches and was aghast that many of the managers were useless at presenting. So we all got a random topic allocated to us (literally loads of topics in an actual hat) and had to make a 5 minute presentation. When everyone had done that, (i think 2 a week) it was 10, then 15 then 20 minutes.

It really made a difference to a lot of people, especially the less sure and the younger employees.

That's a good idea and totally different because the topic was allocated its the personal nature that makes the OPs situation shit.

Singleandproud · 04/04/2023 16:40

If you think you are autistic have you asked for workplace adjustments, these should be needs based not diagnosis based and asked for a referral to OT.

Look for an employer that is more disability friendly. Areas of government work often are and I know first hand that DEFRA, Natural England, the Environment Agency and GCHQ are, they also have lots of general HR, admin, communications type jobs along with the more technical and environment based roles depending on your interests.

Greenertime · 04/04/2023 16:46

098j · 03/04/2023 20:36

But I absolutely hate all of this kind of thing and it's the main reason I'm leaving. There's constant fun quizzes, ice breakers, scavenger hunts in the office. This week there is an Easter egg hunt in the office. Everyone loves it and I understand the thought behind it but I would rather be left to get on with my work in peace.

I absolutely hate stuff like this OP and wouldn’t even apply for a job if I knew they’d make me do this sort of thing! Ice breakers make me want to run a mile. In my last role once I’d been there a couple of years I refused to take part in such activities (including bloody secret santa). And this show and tell presentation sound awful, I’d be the same. Just why do they do it. YANBU

roundtable · 04/04/2023 16:48

Show and tell = bring and brag

rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2023 16:57

roundtable · 04/04/2023 16:48

Show and tell = bring and brag

Certainly sounds like it! Unless they want to see slides of you washing your knickers and doing an online food shop!

Souleater · 05/04/2023 03:53

I would have just said "this is literally why I'm quitting"

Nicecow · 05/04/2023 04:20

I don't understand why everyone thinks this is such a terrible idea. It's nice to have a bit of an icebreaker and talk about something non-work related for a change and maybe learn something new and something about your colleagues. Some people really need to lighten up! Hmm

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 05/04/2023 04:53

yodayoga1 · 03/04/2023 23:06

I'm neurotypical but introvert and would hate this. I also find it very childish. But I have an autistic DC and this sort of thing would kill her. You are doing the right thing getting out of there. So sorry.

I'm introverted and have anxiety, but usually good at thinking on my feet, even if my knees are shaking whilst I talk. Last minute would mean I don't have much time to focus on it and build the anxiety into panic, but that's just how it is for me. Of my 3 Autistic DS one would be fine with this, the other two it would be nightmarish, one wouldn't be able to engage at all, he'd shut down, the other would try and then be in bits about it and blaming themselves for messing it up weeks after.

I'd hate to work in a place like this. It sounds like this was the last straw for you OP. I think finding a workplace with a more capable culture is a great idea.

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