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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unannounced visitors are the worst!

104 replies

WilsonMilson · 03/04/2023 12:31

Inspired by another thread today, I wanted to gauge opinion on my pet peeve - people who turn up at your house unannounced expecting to be invited in for an impromptu social visit.

I bloody hate it. Just don’t, it’s such an imposition! You should at least call or send a text to see if the potential host is available for visitors. Maybe I’m too uptight and not spontaneous enough, but I find it incredibly rude. So,

YABU - it’s lovely to have visitors and I need to lighten up and relax.

YANBU - unexpected visitors are bloody rude, and a menace to society.

Bonus points for unannounced visitor stories, especially if they are cfs!

OP posts:
Gladiaterf · 03/04/2023 17:23

Botw1 · 03/04/2023 13:16

Folk are so weird about this

In our family we rarely announce visits. We just go.

Friends would give a quick text first but thats about it.

I dont get the issue

I also don't care if people see me in my pjs or think my house is a mess, christ my family have walked into my bedroom while I've been sleeping and it's not a problem

Same with phone calls. Folk are so weird about answering a phone now

Why are people "weird" for not having the same opinion as you?

Gladiaterf · 03/04/2023 17:28

starfishmummy · 03/04/2023 14:03

When I was a teenager a relative and her family would "pop in" just before dinner on every bank holiday! Mum being polite would ask them to stay and they always accepted. It got to the point where she made sure there was extra food in, just in case!!

That's SO rude!

Frozendaquiri · 03/04/2023 17:28

I think this is a cultural thing. In my culture it's considered rude to drive past (or near) someone's home without stopping in.

DashboardConfessional · 03/04/2023 17:28

This is really specific to how you grew up and where you live, which people on here don't seem to make allowances for. I grew up in a Yorkshire village full of popper-inners. Now I live in a SW town centre, where all my friends are a drive away and there's no visitor parking, it would be quite a task to undertake without bothering to text me first.

DilemmaDelilah · 03/04/2023 17:42

I think there are two types of people in this world - those who don't care if other people see them/their house in a mess and those who do. It must be very nice not to care... But I do - a lot!

So yes - I hate unannounced visitors. I don't go as far as not answering the door, but I hold very firmly to it and stand in the doorway in such a way that people would have to physically move me to get in. And I don't invite people in unless I want to....which is when I know the house is presentable even if not perfect.

Blackalice · 03/04/2023 17:46

Totally agree. It's rude and disrespectful to assume someone isn't busy and you are important enough for them to drop everything. I am never at home without a plan - a job to do or something I've promised the kids or a well earned chill amongst the dashing about!

Botw1 · 03/04/2023 17:54

@Gladiaterf

Because, fairly self explanatory, I'd have thought, I think their opinion is weird

BeeCucumber · 03/04/2023 18:07

I don't know anyone that would just 'pop in'. Everyone I know is too busy working or looking after children.

Moversnotshakers · 03/04/2023 18:43

Its the walking straight in that gets me. I'm Sometimea bra-less, dyeing my hair, just about to go in shower or in middle of breakfast when my SIL rocks up talking shite. I just know she reports back to DP family. Yeah luv u dont work and have all day everyday to do what u want but i dont!!!!! After 11 am house and myself is normally all done and visitors are welcome but not at 9am or before...

Livinginanotherworld · 03/04/2023 18:56

Those friends who turn up unannounced just as you are about to sit down to eat with invited family or other invited people…..it’s embarrassing and they show no signs of bowing out gracefully, you end up trying to stretch your meals.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 03/04/2023 18:57

The only people I can imagine turning up without calling first would be DH's best friend or one of his aunts and that would be because they were driving past and figured it quicker to drop in and deliver a message than make a call - it would be rare that they would stay longer than 10 minutes or so. Only other person who would just drop in is DS and he doesn't really count as a 'visitor'.

sarahh96 · 03/04/2023 18:58

Hate hate hate it. I'm always in my PJ's when not going anywhere, hair scraped back, no makeup so, if the doorbell rings my immediate reaction is to drop to the floor and crawl, commando style, up the stairs.

taxguru · 03/04/2023 19:01

Not just domestic visitors either. I'm an accountant with a small "one man" office and it drives me mad when clients (or potential clients) just wonder in without an appointment or pre-warning, so that I have to break off what I'm doing just because "they were passing". Even worse is when I have a client already in the office for a pre-arranged meeting and someone else just casually wonders in - considering it's all confidential, it stops me properly talking to the pre-arranged client and stops me talking to the walk in, so a complete waste of time for all! At least it's not as bad now as I'm on a side alley so very little "passing trade", but when I had a "shop front" on a main road, i'd have "walk ins" daily. Just can't understand the mentality of people not realising they need to make appointments or prior arrangements!

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 03/04/2023 19:02

Personally I would rather bring back 18th century jaane Austen style calling cards! Love having people over, don't mind if it's short notice but I need to prep my brain to be social!

ToWhitToWhoo · 03/04/2023 19:03

I don't mind, so long as they're prepared to take the risk that (a) I might be on my way out (my work routine can change from day to day) and (b) that, as I'm poorly co-ordinated and not a domestic goddess, I may not be able to rustle up a meal for them at short notice.

I'd certainly rather have unannounced visitors than no visitors at all!

taxguru · 03/04/2023 19:03

sarahh96 · 03/04/2023 18:58

Hate hate hate it. I'm always in my PJ's when not going anywhere, hair scraped back, no makeup so, if the doorbell rings my immediate reaction is to drop to the floor and crawl, commando style, up the stairs.

Funny you should say that. It reminds me once of hiding under my desk when someone came to my office (luckily it was locked) when I was in the middle of a big urgent job and the guy was a talker who I knew I'd have trouble getting rid of.

ZombieGirl86 · 03/04/2023 19:07

My in laws once turned up at 7am after we had my daughter (about 3 days after she was born). They had some rubbish story about needing a tool they had left at our house. I went back to bed with my daughter to breast feed and mil came upstairs and let herself in the bedroom and. Asked to have a look.... They stayed for 4 hours.... We had my eldest young and didn't really know how to demand they respect boundaries

RoseGoldEagle · 03/04/2023 19:08

I like the idea in theory.

But in that imaginary life, my house is always tidy, my kids haven’t all just simultaneously decided to strip completely naked and run around like little terrors, my lifestyle is such that I can stop what I’m doing for an hour or two to have a lovely catch up with a friend and not feel stressed that I’m getting behind with something, and I’ll probably be able to offer them some freshly baked cookies I made that morning.

However, since my life is as far from this scenario as is imaginable, sadly no, I really do not like people dropping by unannounced.

AlwaysGinPlease · 03/04/2023 19:12

People know me well enough to never visit unannounced. My family and friends also feel the same about unexpected visitors. I genuinely wouldn't dream of visiting someone unannounced. So rude.

AlwaysGinPlease · 03/04/2023 19:12

WilsonMilson · 03/04/2023 12:36

Maybe I need a Ring doorbell. Nothing worse than answering the door thinking it’s a parcel and being confronted with friends or family who have just ‘dropped by’. No escape then!

We have one. Very handy generally.

Payitforward55 · 03/04/2023 21:15

I think we a twins separated at birth

Payitforward55 · 03/04/2023 21:34

I hate this, it happens a lot to me. The visitors will then expect tea and entertaining conversation for hours. I literally don't have the energy for it and then end up really pissed off and resent them. An arranged visit at a mutually suitable time would avoid that resentment

mimiarm7 · 03/04/2023 21:49

My MIL does this and it drives me crazy. I've politely asked her numerous times to check first with us that it suits and she still just turns up when she feels like it. We are one hour drive away. If we aren't home, she will literally sit in her car and wait hours until we get home, even waiting until late at night.

Each time I remind her to check first that it suits she says that "I just decide I want to visit and hop in the car".

She's even turned up late evening (e.g. 9 pm) with people that we don't know and have never met. Drives me INSANE.

FYI: DH doesn't have a good relationship with her.

Also FYI: She expects us to give her petrol money for her troubles when she turns up unannounced. Sometimes she also brings a bag of groceries and expects reimbursement for the lot. It's nearly always buys food we don't even like and she eats half of it when she is here. I purposely now stand with my hands in my pockets as I say goodbye and don't offer any money. I didn't ask for the visit and I didn't ask for a bag of food we don't even want or like. She also always insults me in some way when she is here but that's another story!

YANBU 😃

Glitterblue · 03/04/2023 21:52

I hate it. FIL is bad for this. He used to sometimes turn up on a Saturday or Sunday morning, sometimes both, between 8.30 and 9am. We both had a long commute back then and come the weekend wanted a lie in - we often got woken by him at the door. I recently had major surgery which has left me pretty exhausted even though I’m over the initial recovery period, and one day a couple of weeks ago I decided to have a guilt-free morning off - ie have a late shower, do the tidying up and cleaning etc in the afternoon and spend the morning sitting on my butt. FIL had to pick that morning to turn up to introduce us to his new girlfriend!! The house was a tip and DH was working from home, which FIL knew. I had to run and throw some clothes on when I saw the car pull up, because I was still in my pjs. I felt like a total scruff meeting his new girlfriend, who was all dressed up and in full make up.

A woman who lived in our street used to be bad for just turning up unannounced as well and expecting us to drop everything - no matter how many times we asked her to check first! Christmas morning was one of the times, when we were all in pjs and just not wanting visitors or she’d arrive when we were in the middle of making Christmas dinner for 15 people and trying to tidy up and set the table. She was bad for turning up whenever we had visitors as well - the way the houses are, she could see our drive from her upstairs and I swear she used to spy on us! She also once appeared in our dining room when we were eating our dinner, having come right through the house!! That was when we started locking the door!

Coldspringtime · 04/04/2023 15:36

It’s not just the inconvenience , it’s the awkwardness. I reserve the right to look like a bag of shite in my own home. I don’t want to have visitors when I’m in old joggy bottoms and hair a mess. That’s not how I choose to host or entertain.

turning up unannounced at someone’s door is incredibly rude. And even if just dropping something off, common politeness means most folks feel they need to invite the person in. And what’s even ruder is saying oh they would be lovely and sitting down expecting to be given coffee etc and for the host to drop everything to accommodate you.

a simple text of when would be good to pop round to drop off x or to have a cuppa. is the only way to do it.