To be angry about boyfriend changing plans

[Jins2023]

I don't know whether or not I'm being over sensitive or not. You'll tell me!

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. We obviously live separately. I said from the beginning that I'm a single mother to a six-year-old and I also take care of my very very poorly mother and that my life is pretty complicated. This meant that the relationship might not progress like a 'normal' one. I have my own money, house, business, and a lot of responsibilities. I wouldn't want to introduce him to my DS straight away and wanted to go about the whole thing quite slowly.

So, we see each other a couple of times a week. We've planned a little holiday away together next week. He's always very loving and kind when we're together and I feel as though he adds to my life. And I hope I add to his. We laugh and enjoy ourselves. We cook together, buy each other little gifts, go out to eat, chat...

When I go to visit him - he hasn't been to my house yet because my mother's bed is in the living room and my DS is there - I have to plan ahead. I find a sitter for my DS and set my mother up for the evening with everything she needs. So, it's a bit of a chore.

Anyway, last night, after what was a rough weekend, I was supposed to be going to his. He texted 30 mins before I was supposed to be there to say he was grumpy and tired. I'd just put my make-up on, got everything sorted blah, blah, blah. I was a bit upset. He wasn't ill. He was in a bad mood about his lawnmower breaking and 'didn't want me to see him like that'. He 'just wanted to have a shower and go to bed'. I told him I was a bit sad because it was short notice and that part of being together is that we do see each other when stuff goes wrong, not just when it's all rosy. He said, "come over then if you want, but I don't want to do anything. I just want to watch a film and go to bed".

So I said I'd leave it. I didn't feel particularly wanted.

He then turned it totally around by saying, "well, I said you could come. It's you who doesn't want to. I don't know what your problem is. I could do without the agro. Have a good evening."

This morning, I asked if he was feeling any better and if we could just put it behind us.

He said, "Yes, I hope so."

All good.

Then... "We agreed at the beginning that we were independent people who needed our own space. I was tired last night and you need to understand that. Otherwise, we'd be living under the same roof."

So, he started it all up again. And kind of made me feel like it was all my fault. I didn't ask to move in with him! I was just happy to see him.

He's made me feel needy. I wonder if I am? I'm not very good at "casual" relationships. I was hoping that despite living in separate houses, we were building something together. He had the whole weekend to rest. That's exactly what he did. I was running a charity event all day on Saturday and cleaning up after it a lot of Sunday. I didn't ask him to help. Nor did he offer. I don't ask him for much at all. Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this? Or mental?

He texted 30 mins before I was supposed to be there to say he was grumpy and tired

rude and thoughtless but is this the first and only time this has happened?

Yeah its thoughtless of him to text 30 mins before you are due to go. Whether that's because he is generally a selfish person or used to living an independent life where he doesn't need to think that others need to worry about making arrangements and can be more flexible we don't know.
However once he said he wanted to cancel I would not have been saying I was sad, we need to see each other when things aren't rosy, and then when he changes his mind say you aren't going anyway

I see it from both sides though less sympathetic if he was just frustrated with a lawn mower. Sometimes plans change and given he has to entertain you at his house that puts more pressure on him.

However I think you should take note that he doesn't do well with conflict. He should have recognised you would be let down and apologised. This is probadly him being the real him. If you felt uncomfortable with how he handled this conflict then recognise that

I should also add that he hasn't told any of his family or friends about me. He says this is because he 'wants to do things right' with me and he's introduced girlfriends to his family before after just a brief period of time and then it's gone wrong. He says he doesn't want that to happen again and he wants to make sure we're strong before doing that. He also says stuff like 'when you meet my dad, he'll like this about you'... or 'my mum won't know how to cook veggie food for you'. When we go out, he's seen people he knows and introduced me as his girlfriend. Now, I haven't introduced him to my kid or mother, but he's met some of my friends and the people close to me know I'm in a relationship. My sister came to visit recently. She lives hours away. I asked if he wanted to come and meet her, but he said he was 'working on his car'. I'm wondering if I'm a "stop-gap" girl. Some of my stuff is at his house. I have a key to his house. Some things are "solid" and other things I worry about. I've been in a few very VERY bad relationships, so I'm wondering if I'm overthinking things or if I've got myself another selfish one who's not all that bothered about me.

At 6 months in I would walk away from this. It's only ever going to escalate.

He was thoughtless, you're (unavoidably) inflexible. Maybe have a rethink on whether it will work for you moving forward. I should think the last thing you need in your life is flakery from your boyfriend.

Ah, I cross posted with you.

I would DEFINITELY be walking away after that update.

Following your update, yes just walk away.

YANBU.

If he gets moody and stroppy over something trivial like a lawnmower breaking, it tells you something about his reliance and his temperament.

However everyone's allowed an off day now and then so I'd probably let it go this once..

I also see if from both sides. I see how it’s frustrating for you but if he wasn’t in the mood to socialise. I also think it’s ok to call it off rather than force it.

So by your own admission you want to take things slowly but you are also wondering why he hasn't introduced you to his family after only 6 months? Your life is complex and very busy, his not so much, you may not be a stop gap, he may just be waiting to see how things go with the relationship in regards to your busy life. Possibly he might be feeling like a stop gap or a bit of light hearted relief in your life.

I would walk away now too. I think a rare flakiness could be forgiven, but the way he went on about it that night and carried it into the next morning is a red flag.

Also his comment about his mum not being able to cook veggie food for you shows a bizarre begrudging mindset. I doubt you’d be going to meet her just for some veggie food, and he could have just got a ready made quiche and heated it up for you if it was such an issue.

These small signs of uncaring often are often clues to someone’s true feelings.

Ok so he was blunt and thoughtless, and a last minute cancellation isn’t great.

but he’s kind of right that sometimes you need to have your own space. I think if you’d posted that you wanted to cancel (reason could be equally trivial) and he’d got annoyed then he’d be the one at fault.

You sound like a trooper and a responsible woman with a lot of weight on her shoulders. If a man is to be in your life, he needs to be worth it, someone who provides support and strength to you. Someone who wants to understand your perspective. He really doesn't sound like he's there for you, only when it's convenient for him.
You might like to read this article Do not marry an emotionally unavailable man - he won't get better, but you will.
You've only been seeing each other for 6 months, so it would be very unlikely that you'd be living together under any circumstances this early, surely? Really I think it's time to move on.
His comment about "not needing this aggro" would have had me dumping him immediately.

I also think there might be some truth to this too. You’re saying “slowly” whilst being annoyed at him for being slow

So he hasn't seen you all week and missed you at the weekend and won't see you till this weekend now ? Sounds fishy . Act normally see how he act's midweek and at the weekend. If all goes back to normal leave it but if something is off then investigate deeper. Maybe there was a reason he didn't want you to come?

No he’s lost interest. Bin him before he bins you

Agree. Doesn't seem worth it.

You're both independent and you (understandably) need him to slot into your life. It's came as a bit of a shock that you have to also slot into his. That's ok.

I'd let this one to tbh as shit is tricky but if there are repeats, it's showing signs of being too tricky to work out long term.

We saw each other on Thursday. He cooked for me. Everything was fine. He invited me over tonight, but I've got too much work to do, so suggested Wednesday. He said that's fine. We'll be seeing each other this weekend for a 'party' - a party he's doing just for me with lasers and cocktails and a smoke machine - sounds weird written down, but I think he just wanted to do something fun for me. And then we'll be away together for two nights next week. My DS is staying with my best friend for 2 nights, so it's a big deal for me and my little one.

I think he's quite young in his head. He doesn't have kids. He had a long-term relationship for ten years - but between the ages of 26 and 36 - and a series of one-year relationships since. I'm 6 years older than he is. But it feels like more because of where we are in our lives.

There's a lot of good. He's very kind to me. But I don't think he can cope with any kind of 'argument'. He's a bit like a teenager. Mind you, this is only the second 'argument' we've had. The first was when he went 'home' for his birthday and I wasn't invited. I understood because we were only a couple of months in, but I mentioned being a bit sad about his family not knowing I even exist. And that I would have liked him to have two birthdays. One with his family and one with me.

I suppose I need a lot of reassurance. And he's not got the verbal skills to give it to me. I'm not being mean when I say that. I have a job where I'm reading books all day, he's a joiner on a building site. He doesn't analyse everything like I do. He just goes with the flow.

So, maybe I'll just have to keep an eye on things and see where it goes. I can't help feeling a little sad and insecure though.

Honestly if it's this much work now just end it! I'm in the camp of if it's not mostly great all the time especially early on then i'm out! life is too short

Your lives are very different - you have a lot of responsibilities and he has none!! I know I couldn't ever have been with someone with kids or a sick relative they were caring for as it wouldn't have suited my life -I wanted to be with someone who could come out with me regularly go travelling etc etc - and be care free!

I don't think you are compatible with this man

You’ve got a lot going on in your life and it doesn’t sound like he’s very emotionally mature. If he’s cross about a lawnmower, what would he be like if something serious came up?

You telling him " you're feeling a little sad" over the things you've mentioned does come across as needy.

And that I would have liked him to have two birthdays. One with his family and one with me.

Did you suggest somethings you could
do on his birthday? Or was the onus on him
to organise it, like the laser party?

No, the onus isn't always on him. I think we both suggest things equally. And although we have to go to his house, I always make sure I take him a little plant, or wine... or bring the ingredients to cook, or take it in turns to pay if we go out. It was his idea to do the party.
On his actual birthday, I snuck over to his house and left gifts on his doorstep as a surprise for when he got home. On mine, he had a necklace made for me with a little symbol that means something to us both.
He misses his family and friends. He moved to this area 18 months ago and bought a house. I think he gets quite down.
I'd like to think I'm not particularly high maintenance, but I do need to know I'm loved. Or on the way to being loved. Otherwise, I don't really see the point. I'm not good at doing casual. I like to be "all in" with someone. I don't mean sharing a mortgage and being in each other's pockets, but when I'm committed, it means something to me. Maybe I'm naive.