To be angry about boyfriend changing plans

[Jins2023]

I don't know whether or not I'm being over sensitive or not. You'll tell me!

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. We obviously live separately. I said from the beginning that I'm a single mother to a six-year-old and I also take care of my very very poorly mother and that my life is pretty complicated. This meant that the relationship might not progress like a 'normal' one. I have my own money, house, business, and a lot of responsibilities. I wouldn't want to introduce him to my DS straight away and wanted to go about the whole thing quite slowly.

So, we see each other a couple of times a week. We've planned a little holiday away together next week. He's always very loving and kind when we're together and I feel as though he adds to my life. And I hope I add to his. We laugh and enjoy ourselves. We cook together, buy each other little gifts, go out to eat, chat...

When I go to visit him - he hasn't been to my house yet because my mother's bed is in the living room and my DS is there - I have to plan ahead. I find a sitter for my DS and set my mother up for the evening with everything she needs. So, it's a bit of a chore.

Anyway, last night, after what was a rough weekend, I was supposed to be going to his. He texted 30 mins before I was supposed to be there to say he was grumpy and tired. I'd just put my make-up on, got everything sorted blah, blah, blah. I was a bit upset. He wasn't ill. He was in a bad mood about his lawnmower breaking and 'didn't want me to see him like that'. He 'just wanted to have a shower and go to bed'. I told him I was a bit sad because it was short notice and that part of being together is that we do see each other when stuff goes wrong, not just when it's all rosy. He said, "come over then if you want, but I don't want to do anything. I just want to watch a film and go to bed".

So I said I'd leave it. I didn't feel particularly wanted.

He then turned it totally around by saying, "well, I said you could come. It's you who doesn't want to. I don't know what your problem is. I could do without the agro. Have a good evening."

This morning, I asked if he was feeling any better and if we could just put it behind us.

He said, "Yes, I hope so."

All good.

Then... "We agreed at the beginning that we were independent people who needed our own space. I was tired last night and you need to understand that. Otherwise, we'd be living under the same roof."

So, he started it all up again. And kind of made me feel like it was all my fault. I didn't ask to move in with him! I was just happy to see him.

He's made me feel needy. I wonder if I am? I'm not very good at "casual" relationships. I was hoping that despite living in separate houses, we were building something together. He had the whole weekend to rest. That's exactly what he did. I was running a charity event all day on Saturday and cleaning up after it a lot of Sunday. I didn't ask him to help. Nor did he offer. I don't ask him for much at all. Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this? Or mental?

I'd like to think I'm not particularly high maintenance, but I do need to know I'm loved. Or on the way to being loved. Otherwise, I don't really see the point. I'm not good at doing casual. I like to be "all in" with someone.

I think it’s great that you know what you want and deserve. DonKt settle for less.

I think I am a little needy. Everything else is so crappy at the moment. I see my time with him as a little sanctuary. Maybe I shouldn't rely on someone else to make me feel that way. But all I do is work, parent, care for my mum, and go to the hospital two or three times a week for her chemo and various appointments. I also run a charity which requires a lot of work. A stupid amount of unpaid time. My job is demanding. I don't have much downtime at all. I know a lot of people have it worse. I think maybe I get caught up in worrying if he's fully on board. I'm looking for signs all the time because I've been treated so badly in the past. I like to think I'm this strong, independent woman, but I'm not actually all that good at it. I never seem to get it right. I'm looking for this amazing relationship that maybe only exits in my head. I have a real fear of rejection.

‘The first was when he went 'home' for his birthday and I wasn't invited. I understood because we were only a couple of months in, but I mentioned being a bit sad about his family not knowing I even exist. And that I would have liked him to have two birthdays. One with his family and one with me.’ This comes across as needy tbh. As an older person I don’t think I would be taking a new partner home with me to celebrate my birthday after 8 weeks, especially when in that period you must have only seen each other maybe 20-25 times?
‘I suppose I need a lot of reassurance. And he's not got the verbal skills to give it to me. I'm not being mean when I say that. I have a job where I'm reading books all day, he's a joiner on a building site. He doesn't analyse everything like I do. He just goes with the flow.’ Hmmm you seem to look down your nose at him a bit. Overthinking is not a good quality. Going with the flow especially at six months is a much more reasonable way to approach a relationship.
I do understand you have a lot of responsibilities. You seem to think he is less than because he doesn’t have to contend with the same. Many people who don’t have children as older adults don’t have them because they didn’t want to have children with someone they didn’t think they would be with forever. Having a child in itself is not a sign of maturity, often it shows the opposite.
I understand you were pissed off that he cancelled your plans so late in the day but he wasn’t feeling it and I personally think that it is much better to say to a partner look I’m in a bad mood can we leave it tonight. You have loads of plans coming up. I think you need to think more deeply about your own behaviour tbqh.

So you can’t see him because you’re working, and he has to accept that, but he can’t see you because he needs some time to himself and that’s an issue.

I think the poster who said you think he has to fit your life but are surprised you also have to fit his has it right.

I’d say you sound too nice and too available even with your child in the mix. Your romantic gestures, cooking and gifting will be lost on him. Low maintenance isn’t necessarily attractive.

@Eyerollcentral I certainly don't look down on him in any way, shape, or form. We've had different lives and different jobs. I overthink and it's not good. You're right. All I meant was that I can be very "wordy" - because of my job - and he isn't that way inclined. It doesn't make me better than him. He built a house last week and I can only just about change a light bulb. He didn't have children with his ex because things didn't work out that way. I went all-out to get mine using a sperm donor. Both choices are valid. I'm glad he doesn't have as much to contend with as I do. I wouldn't wish what's going on in my living room on anyone.

OP you are being a bit needy. You say you want to be all in but your circumstances are such that you can't actually be all in. Being all in works both ways and although you may be committed to him as a partner he is not going to be your priority for a long time ( rightly so). I don't think I could be overly committed and all in with someone I knew could not be giving me that in return however genuine the circumstances

Bet the OP gives more than 20 minutes notice though

I know how hard it is to look after a relative in your home so you absolutely have my sympathy there. I do think you are expecting too much from this man. You are only together six months. Sounds like he is a good guy. You have limited free time but that doesn’t mean you can insist he must see you. He told you he just wasn’t in good form. I get it, when you are under pressure and just getting through to enjoy something you are looking forward to, but to say he had plenty of time to rest all weekend and he was only annoyed about a lawnmower does sound like you think your feelings are more important than his, same as your feelings about him going home without you. As I say he is clearly interested and does make an effort. I would be annoyed if I was honest with my partner and they huffed back at me tbh I would be rethinking things, it would come across as quite immature to me and make me less likely to make firm plans because I wouldn’t want another incident where for whatever reason I couldn’t stick to the plans.

Sometimes I wonder about the relationships of those who say ‘bin him’ immediately. Do you never have off days? Do you never misjudge things? Have arguments?

I’ve bern married over 40 years and according to MN should have left my DH 50x because he’s been thoughtless or selfish. As indeed he should have left me because I’m only human too and don’t always get it right.

Give him a break OP. Have a chat next time you meet ( not ‘sad’ or over emotional) and just say the short notice was disappointing. You’d like to avoid that in the future. And then see how it goes. If it is a regular thing, then maybe he’s not for you.

But if we don’t allow ourselves and our partners room for growth and get so defeatist at such little things, how does anyone stay together. No one is perfect.

Yeah, dump him and run.

Who gets that arsey over a broken lawnmower? 🤷‍♀️

“My partner got something wrong and upset me” - dump him immediately he’s an arse

”I got something wrong and upset my partner and he’s annoyed” - dump him immediately he’s an arse

Get rid of him! You have enough difficulty to contend with in your life with your ailing mother and son without an extra burden of an inconsiderate arsehole man child.

There's a big difference between being married and being in a short - term relationship of only 6 months. While I agree that you wouldn't split up with a husband for having an off day, this isn't just about having an off day. It's about how each person deals with off days and setbacks, and what support they need from their partner when they've had an off day. They're in the early stages, finding out whether they are compatible in important ways, not just whether they like and fancy each other.

The boyfriend cancelled with very short notice because he was in a bad mood.
If he's someone who needs very much to be alone when he's had a bad day, will this be compatible with OP, who may feel that she'd want to be there standing side-by-side with her partner when either of them goes through difficulties? Will he be able to give her support when she's having a bad day and wants him there to lean on?

He's just cancelled our 'party' on Saturday because his father is having an operation tomorrow and so he's going 'home'. I understand that. So, I'll see how things are with him on Wednesday. I've written a couple of comforting messages to him. He's responded normally. We'll see if we can get things back on track. To me, it's not a dumpable offense what happened last night, but I do feel sad about it. I'll just have to see how it goes and maybe try not to be so needy. I do want my needs to be met though. So, we'll just have to see. I have to make sure I maintain my boundaries. I want him to understand that we're allowed to say something when we're pissed off and that disagreements are normal. I think communicating and negotiating and then moving on is how things should work. In my last relationship, I used to get stonewalled. For days. It was complete torture sometimes. He just refused to speak to me. I can't go back to not daring to say something when I don't feel good. I left him and he stalked me for a year. The police were involved and everything. It was rough. And then I had a relationship where I thought everything was fine and then he said he didn't fancy me anymore. It came out of nowhere. So, I suppose I'm worried. I was single for 7 years, so I can cope on my own. I have my own house and money. But I still do feel the need to have someone in my life. I hope I have a good thing going with this man. I always have a good time when we're together.

Going against the grain. Give him a chance. If he is in a bad mood and tired how much company would he be? He was honest? Lawn mower is a rubbish excuse though. It may have been the thing that spiralled a rubbish weekend or broken due to a chain of events.

At 6 months my DP and I both said at times can we have a rain check as exhausted or grumpy. We felt we could be honest. Still on best behaviours.

now a year in, we do see each other when grumpy or exhausted. But we say we are. We do travel 1 hr to see each other. it’s life. But I get that he is the distraction and joy from what you describe as a busy life. So understand the disappointment

I didn’t introduce my DP to family till 6 months in. He still hadn’t met some friends due to distance and scheduling. He met my brother the day after my mum died. We don’t really mix friends much as we want our own social lives and downtime. But get on with our friends.

let it pass once

Something doesn't seem right. Wouldn't he have known before today that his father is having an operation tomorrow? In which case he would have planned to go see him on Saturday and wouldn't have made big plans with you?

I don't know @cordelia16. I've known for a while that the operation was coming up. He's just texted again to ask when we're booked to go away next week. He's not very good with dates. I replied. His response was, "OK. Perfect". So, maybe he is just worried about his dad and thinks he'd be better spending time with him this weekend rather than fucking around with me and a smoke machine. He's right. I'll be seeing him on Wednesday. He invited me over tonight and I can't go. We're going away for three days and two nights next week. Maybe I just need to calm down a bit and realise that he's not as emotional as I am.

How old is he OP?

has he ever talked about children?

You are in a completely different space to him. I am on a similar space to you, and I wouldn’t pursue this. He, understandably, won’t be able to relate to all the responsibilities etc you have.

Does your son ever see his dad?

This guy has lost interest. Chasing, planning, appeasing, trying to please…You’re setting yourself up for a lot of hurt. Men who cancel plans ( and crap plans at that) aren’t bothered about you. You’re just ok for now. I would guess he’s only asked for tonight because he knows you can’t do it. What’s wednesday? Sex delivered to his door with no effort required? Sounds like you’re the one who has planned this break away as well. Not him. When you do all the running in dating, you end up getting ditched or worse with some user that treats you like shit on his shoe.

@Ursualesther He's 38 and I'm 44. He did say he wished he'd met me earlier and we could have had children together. He sometimes mentions kids, but has also said he's OK not having had them. I'm too old to have another anyway.

My son doesn't see his dad because I used a sperm donor.

If things work out well with my boyfriend and me, I would be happy for my son to have a relationship with him at some point, but we're not there yet and I won't do anything to confuse my son. My son knows I have a boyfriend, but the concept hasn't really entered his little world yet.

@Eatentoomanyroses I don't think he treats me like shit on his shoe. I booked the holiday cottage, but it was his idea to go away. He took time off work. I work for myself. He does most of the cooking and planning stuff for us to do and the booking of restaurants. He gets me little thoughtful gifts and things. He doesn't get sex delivered to his door. We have a lot of sex when we see each other, but isn't that normal six months in?

Fair enough.

Yeah, maybe just see how things play out over the next few weeks.

Who will your son be when you go away for a few nights?