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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about boyfriend changing plans

92 replies

Jins2023 · 03/04/2023 11:27

I don't know whether or not I'm being over sensitive or not. You'll tell me!

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. We obviously live separately. I said from the beginning that I'm a single mother to a six-year-old and I also take care of my very very poorly mother and that my life is pretty complicated. This meant that the relationship might not progress like a 'normal' one. I have my own money, house, business, and a lot of responsibilities. I wouldn't want to introduce him to my DS straight away and wanted to go about the whole thing quite slowly.

So, we see each other a couple of times a week. We've planned a little holiday away together next week. He's always very loving and kind when we're together and I feel as though he adds to my life. And I hope I add to his. We laugh and enjoy ourselves. We cook together, buy each other little gifts, go out to eat, chat...

When I go to visit him - he hasn't been to my house yet because my mother's bed is in the living room and my DS is there - I have to plan ahead. I find a sitter for my DS and set my mother up for the evening with everything she needs. So, it's a bit of a chore.

Anyway, last night, after what was a rough weekend, I was supposed to be going to his. He texted 30 mins before I was supposed to be there to say he was grumpy and tired. I'd just put my make-up on, got everything sorted blah, blah, blah. I was a bit upset. He wasn't ill. He was in a bad mood about his lawnmower breaking and 'didn't want me to see him like that'. He 'just wanted to have a shower and go to bed'. I told him I was a bit sad because it was short notice and that part of being together is that we do see each other when stuff goes wrong, not just when it's all rosy. He said, "come over then if you want, but I don't want to do anything. I just want to watch a film and go to bed".

So I said I'd leave it. I didn't feel particularly wanted.

He then turned it totally around by saying, "well, I said you could come. It's you who doesn't want to. I don't know what your problem is. I could do without the agro. Have a good evening."

This morning, I asked if he was feeling any better and if we could just put it behind us.

He said, "Yes, I hope so."

All good.

Then... "We agreed at the beginning that we were independent people who needed our own space. I was tired last night and you need to understand that. Otherwise, we'd be living under the same roof."

So, he started it all up again. And kind of made me feel like it was all my fault. I didn't ask to move in with him! I was just happy to see him.

He's made me feel needy. I wonder if I am? I'm not very good at "casual" relationships. I was hoping that despite living in separate houses, we were building something together. He had the whole weekend to rest. That's exactly what he did. I was running a charity event all day on Saturday and cleaning up after it a lot of Sunday. I didn't ask him to help. Nor did he offer. I don't ask him for much at all. Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this? Or mental?

OP posts:
Ursualesther · 03/04/2023 15:50

But I don't think he can cope with any kind of 'argument'. He's a bit like a teenager.

as a woman in her mid thirties with a child, a business and a very very poorly mum… I would not be with someone like this

curious how you’re managing to see him so regularly and have lots of sex!

Ursualesther · 03/04/2023 15:50

Are you “angry” as per your title
or “sad” as per posts

Two very different reactions

Original poster
Jins2023 · 03/04/2023 15:56

@Ursualesther He will be staying with my best friend - his godmother - and her children. Sometimes, he stays with my mother at home depending on how well she is. She's been a lot better recently, but it'll probably go downhill again at some point.

I'm sad.

I see him once, sometimes a week. We usually have sex a few times when we're together. So, yeah, not every day, but we're sexual when we see each other and the sex is great.

OP posts:
TaLooLaBell · 03/04/2023 16:00

Sorry Op
But something just seems off with him. I wouldn't be surprised if he moved back home

Ursualesther · 03/04/2023 16:04

Op

he is late thirties, no children
bit flakey
you describe him as a bit of a teenager

is this really someone you would want around your child?

teacakie · 03/04/2023 16:06

If things work out well with my boyfriend and me,

You are 6 months in and completely incompatible, things are not likely to work out.

Ursualesther · 03/04/2023 16:09

How did you meet op?

Eatentoomanyroses · 03/04/2023 16:15

Jins2023 · 03/04/2023 15:38

@Eatentoomanyroses I don't think he treats me like shit on his shoe. I booked the holiday cottage, but it was his idea to go away. He took time off work. I work for myself. He does most of the cooking and planning stuff for us to do and the booking of restaurants. He gets me little thoughtful gifts and things. He doesn't get sex delivered to his door. We have a lot of sex when we see each other, but isn't that normal six months in?

I think a lot of what you’ve described is normal for 6 months into a dead end relationship. Men will continue to sleep with women long after any real interest left the building. If you felt valued you wouldn’t even be posting tbh.

Original poster
Jins2023 · 03/04/2023 16:21

Oooh. It's harsh on here, isn't it? 😅

OP posts:
Ursualesther · 03/04/2023 16:25

Well op it does kind of look like that’s the situation 🤷‍♀️

Ursualesther · 03/04/2023 16:26

Even down to him “suggesting” you go away but then you do all the research and the booking!

who is the one with the child, sick parent and business??

AllOfThemWitches · 03/04/2023 16:32

6 months in, my boyfriend couldn't get enough of me. Though I do understand needing space, maybe he had diarrhea or something and didn't want to tell you.

Original poster
Jins2023 · 03/04/2023 19:33

@Ursualesther Yeah, I think that's because I'm a bit of a control freak. So, I just took over on the finding of the holiday cottage part. It doesn't make him a twat. I've had a chat with him tonight and told him I've got a lot of work to do. He's been very understanding and said I can take my work over on Wednesday and he'll help me get through it and look after me. He's very worried about his Dad and his Mum. I think maybe this is what a lot of it is about. He's not big on talking about feelings. I think he's feeling vulnerable and down and he just wanted to go to bed and feel sorry for himself. Either we'll get there or we won't, but I'd like to give it a chance. AIBU is a weird place. I don't think I'll post here again. People are very quick to tell you to give up. I think my question was more about trying to understand my own issues. I overthink and get sad if I perceive the slightest rejection. It's a problem. That's what I need to worry about and work on. As well as keeping my standards high. But he's not a total pillock. He's just not as emotional as I am. He lives day to day. He breezes through life. But he texted earlier today to say he's really been thinking about how brave I am with my mum. So, maybe the fact that his father is having surgery tomorrow has got him thinking a bit.

OP posts:
OhwhyOY · 03/04/2023 22:05

@Jins2023 I don't agree with all these people saying it's a dead end relationship and he's not into you any more. That could be the case but that's a pretty big inference to draw from him wanting a night to himself. I agree with the PP who said that you are giving mixed signals- you say you want to take things slowly but then you are saying in the next breath you go all in with relationships and expect him to do the same. I wouldn't take it as a slight that he didn't want to see you because he was in a mood, we all need space sometimes. I agree with you that the fact that him asking for space made you feel so vulnerable is maybe something you should work on with a counsellor. But I also agree that you should communicate clearly with him about your needs - in as non-judgemental way as you can. So for example saying that him asking you not to come over made you feel insecure. You aren't blaming him for that as he has every right to ask for space if he needs it, but you want him to know how you feel. Then hopefully if he's a good partner he will make up for it with extra affection.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 05:50

Op

You started the thread about being angry that he’s let you down and been inconsiderate

you said he was a bit of a teenager

and now you seem somewhat indignant that most of us are a bit… yes, we agree with you and actually we wouldn’t want to subject ourselves to it!

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 05:56

When you wrote about him arranging the party just for you with a smoke machine and lasers and cocktails, I thought… “I bet that doesn’t happen”

2 posts later… you say he’s cancelled it.

Who has paid for the mini break?

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 05:58

This is what’s going to happen

he will say he can’t go away on the mini break because he needs to be with his father during recovery.

so I’d give your friend looking after your DS a heads up that there may well be a change of plan coming soon

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 06:00

You say he sent you a message asking what days… next week.. that you’re going away.

OP, you say he’s booked the time off work. I doubt he has if he’s asking you yesterday what days the mini break is next week

Lifeisnotfair4 · 04/04/2023 06:29

TBH and I’m not trying to be cruel but you sound like very hard work OP and he sounds a bit immature. They say opposites attract though. Stop over analysing everything. Go with the flow a bit more like he does.

Avarua2 · 04/04/2023 06:43

suppose I need a lot of reassurance. And he's not got the verbal skills to give it to me. I'm not being mean when I say that. I have a job where I'm reading books all day, he's a joiner on a building site. He doesn't analyse everything like I do. He just goes with the flow.

It's old but you might get value from reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

i found the instruction not to follow men into their caves to be very very useful. It'll be useful when your son is older too.

pinkpotatoez · 04/04/2023 06:44

My ex was like this. Really immature and got 'stressed' by everyday things similar to the lawn mower breaking and would act off with me because of it. It's childish and shows they won't survive a long lasting relationship/ becoming a parent if such small things ruin their whole day. I also experienced the complete lack of thought for others, letting people down last minute and when pulled up on it, I was the problem. It's not okay to be made to feel shitty because he let you down and honestly can you put up with that? Imagine if something big happened if he needs to take himself to bed when the lawnmower breaks Confused

LlynTegid · 04/04/2023 07:02

I think best to end the relationship. Seems like a man child at 38, you'd be confident of him changing for the better if he was 23, but too late now.

Remember there is nothing wrong with being single.

Laurama91 · 04/04/2023 07:14

I dont know why people on here always suggest leaving. I live with my partner and sometimes if I'm in some kind of mood I take myself off upstairs, sometimes for an hour sometimes all night. Not because I don't want to be with him or don't love him just because I need to be on my own sometimes, to sort my head out. See how things go, you both sound like you have a lot going on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2023 07:17

He sounds like a bit of a disorganised nice guy, who doesn’t think much beyond the end of the day. He probably hasn’t had any of the adversities in life that you’ve had to endure, including challenges you’ve chosen by having a child by sperm donor. Choosing to have a child alone says a lot about your personality and where you’re at in life. Now his dad is having surgery, he’s probably encountering adversity for the first time.

I do think he probably really likes you so overthinking every single comment he makes such as his mum not knowing how to cook veggie isn’t useful. You know he’s a man with his limitations. He’s merely giving a small view into his world of life growing up with a mum, who also has some limitations. He’s possibly a product of his environment.

If you’re going to continue this relationship, I’m figuring there will be a fair amount of frustration along the way. You’ve chosen a life with a lack of spontaneity and he’s probably used to far more of this. But it won’t always be that way.

At some stage and to bring this relationship to the next level, you are going to want to emotionally lean on the other person. His dad being ill could in a strange way bring something really positive into your relationship. You could have a shared experience to share and help each other through this difficult period you’re both going through right now.

Personally I wouldn’t give up on him now. I’d learn a little from him about how to breeze through life a little easier and see if he can learn skills from you too. After all, part of being in a relationship is to make yourself a better person and to grow with them together.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/04/2023 07:22

You are a single mother to a 6 year old, you look after a poorly mother who lives with you and has a bed in your lounge room, and you run a charity which takes a lot of your time at no extra pay. Is that correct?

That is a LOT to have on your shoulders. It is understandable that you need good boundaries with a boyfriend, but an immature man who has few responsibilities? I'm just not sure how you can make the transition from having him as a boyfriend on set days to integrating him into your life! You're asking a lot of him and of yourself.