To expect more from grandparents?

[Villagemama]

We moved back from several years’ abroad when my DD was 8m old to be closer to family and settled in a small village, knowing nobody, for my husband’s work.

We have no family on my husband’s side and my parents live a short domestic flight + commuter train away (4-5hr door-to-door).

We now have 2 kids, 2 and 4, and my parents haven’t come to visit since the birth of the younger (I’ve made the trip half a dozen times since then with the kids). My siblings are younger, don’t have kids and live abroad.

I’ve struggled with isolation as a SAHM and while we now have plenty of waving-type acquaintances in the village, still only one or two whose houses we would visit. It doesn’t help that my husband commutes so doesn’t make local connections. I also think it’s the age and stage of the children.

My mother recently described herself as an involved grandparent which nearly blew my mind! As I said it’s become apparent they don’t travel, and when I travel to theirs, while my mother is very kind to the kids, happy to read stories and make lunch etc, she would never suggest I took a break while she looked after the kids - even a solo supermarket trip.

On our last trip I asked if she and my father would look after the kids for an hour while my husband and I went to the pub around the corner, to which her response was “So you expect me to be trapped inside with the children while you’re out drinking??” So as it stands they’ve not once looked after the children, even while asleep.

I should add that I always considered myself to have a good relationship with my mother so I find her behaviour hurtful. I now see that she probably had a tough time too with small kids - and an unaware husband - so I think on some level she’s taking it out on me.

Long story short, I feel a sense of grief over the situation and also like there’s no obvious place for us to be. My desire to return to my hometown at some point has shifted due to my parents’ behaviour. We could return to the other side of the world I suppose where we had some connections. Or equally stay in our small town and try and build connections over time.

As it is I am feeling the lack of village! It’s been just my husband and me for a long time it feels. No one who’d step in if we were sick, who’d offer to look after the kids if we wanted to get a task done or offer a place to visit on a wet day inside with the kids.

AIBU to expect more from the grandparents??

If you wanted parental support why did you move so far from them? This may sound harsh but you’ve chosen to isolate yourself. So imho yes, YABU

you do live a very long way away, so you cant really expect visits, and also, when you visit them, your mum seems to be very involved, but doesn't want to be left in sole charge, which is perfectly reasonable, so I would say yabu. I hope you manage to settle down where you are and make more friends in time

I can see both sides here. Given you're not nearby, she seems pretty reasonably involved. I do see your point that her comment about you going to the pub was a bit unnecessary, but perhaps she feels nervous at the idea of looking after children she doesn't know so well?

Have you ever had a discussion with her, not in the heat of the moment but casually?

I think given that if you'd moved closer to them, they would have been unlikely to offer any help anyway, the above poster is being a bit harsh.

It's not wrong to feel upset...I mean I'd babysit for friends for an hour or two if they didnt have any help normally and just wanted to nip out to the pub as a couple while the kids were in bed. So when you asked your mum, once, and she said no, I think it's natural to feel upset, especially when most grandparents would either jump at the chance or agree even if they werent that keen.

I'd take them out the equation. Lots of people have no help (due to fall outs with parents, illness, physical distance) and they do make their own connections but it takes time and effort- it doesn't always happen organically. So do whatever works best for you going forward. That's what your parents are doing

Would you consider going to work? Youd meet people and also your children would through nursery, and then you can meet their friends parents...and you can also use nursery staff for babysitting.

You shouldn't expect it from anyone.

You live far away which makes it difficult.

Everyone probably wishes the had a close family but for many different reasons, it doesn't always happen. Yours would include living in a different county.

You're being unreasonable.

Apparently on MN it's ludicrous and entitled to think anyone should ever offer help or support with YOUR dc, even their grandparents. Meanwhile back in the real world I do think it's sad when grandparents simply don't want to be that involved with their grandkids. I have wonderful memories of being looked after by my grandparents. I had an extremely close relationship with my Nan who was like a second mum to me. Of course no grandparent should feel forced into providing childcare but it's nice when they want to and enjoy that time with the children.

The fact your mother refused to even have the children for an hour and still classes herself as an involved grandparent is galling yes.

I would also be hurt by this and their unwillingness to travel to you. But sometimes it's best not to expect too much or you end up disappointed.

Well some of the trouble is you didn’t move near family. So while I understand it’s frustrating your mum isn’t jumping to babysit, she doesn’t know them well, it’s hard work having guests, and it does sound like she does make an effort with them. Next time she says so you expect me to stay in while you go drinking? - say yes, just for a couple of hours that will be great and then DH will have them tomorrow when we go for coffee.

You can’t assume GPS will do anything, they already raised their kids.

Usually having young kids is quite a good route to new friends, so discuss with your husband if the village isn’t working.

Families should help each other and I don’t understand the general view on MN that they’re YOUR children so don’t expect any help. It’s shit, and probably why one reason society has gone downhill

im in the same boat but do/did have a couple friends that could help. One has now moved home though, she was a god send! Another lost touch with but the one time she offered to have my Dc at the park so I could have break for an hour phoned me after 15mins as she couldn’t cope. In a pinch I know a couple neighbours would help out, and I would for them.

Are your parents the family that you moved to be closer to? Or is that different family? Because you are still quite far from your parents. We’re they involved in the decision for you to move, and the expectations around their involvement?

I agree with PP’s, you have to accept their decision not to be particularly involved and start building your own network.

I thought that DH’s parents would be involved grandparents, but they lost interest when DD was three and DS was a baby. They seem more interested now that the children are teenagers and can have a good conversation, but have never taken them out anywhere or babysat. It’s their choice, you can’t change it.

All you can do is resolve to offer more support if you ever become a grandparent!

You are not being unreasonable. It’s very hurtful and I just hope you find yourself a community of like-minded people to keep yourself occupied.

my parents in law are like that so I relate. It sucks. When my children have children, I hope to help them in every way I can; why wouldn’t you?! I really don’t understand these people: I do believe that they are missing out and it’s their loss.

Ha! Thanks all. Definitely two schools of thought here. I should add we live where we do as it was as close as my husband’s job could get to my parents. Not in UK. But yes I take your point, it’s not next door!

@Villagemama We moved for a job opportunity as well, you have to sometimes. Being around the corner and flat broke isn’t always the best option!

I think every DC looks on GP’s differently tbh. We go to visit our DD and DGC and I know she looks forward to us visiting as we do the early mornings so DD and her partner get to lie in at the weekend. We take the children out to breakfast and the park at the weekends were there as her partner works during the week. Ok it might be a bit noisy and chaotic while we’re getting organised but we try our best. We love having the 2 year old and baby during the weekdays and DD takes full advantage when we visit.

DS2 and his wife hand the children over when they get through the door when we arrive or when they visit. They often drop the children and go off for a few days on their own.

I feel like a spare part when we visit DS1 and his wife though. They like to get up and see to the children themselves which is fine, we love to see the children but we’d like to help more if we were allowed.

This won't end well OP. A whole host of mumsnetters who seem to think Grandparents are more like co-workers to their adult children.

I'm all for people shouldn't expect their parents to reorganise their retirement years to provide childcare. 100%. Aligned and I agree.

But is it unreasonable to think that loving parents to adult DC wouldn't say - ah the kids are down and sleeping, of course you and DH get a couple of hours out. We'll call you if there's any problems - because I don't....

It does feel sad when I read these posts.

My PIL come to stay and my MIL is racing out of bed at 6am to get to DC before I hear them - so we can have a lie in. They're all over wanting to do school runs and take them out for the day. I think it's two fold - on one hand it's to be a supportive parent to DH and by default me and on the other hand they genuinely want a relationship with our DC outside of us. They want the memories. They want our kids to say I remember when Nan and Grandpa took us to XYZ.

So from my perspective - your upset/hurt isn't unjustified.

My PILs travel 4hrs to stay with us. Honestly, I think they'd come every 2 weeks if they could and they are also people with vibrant lives, friends, hobbies etc.

My own parents are the same, however, some medical issues have prevented them as being involved as they would like.

So yeah I don't think YABU. It's a poor effort from your parents. But what can you do? Anything you say will be treated as 'entitled'.

Family is meant to mean something, doesn't mean an awful lot if your own Mam can't watch 2 sleeping kids for an hour when they are staying home anyway....and when you've travelled 4-5hrs to see them, and are there for an extended visit. And yeah you'd think if they were fit and well and travel in general - they'd want to come and visit.

My Dad looks after his step grandson several times a week, has him stay over, trips out etc. He's babysat for my kids once! (We live 45 minutes apart!) That really hurts so I can understand why your mum's disinterest upsets you.

I get why your parents might find it too much getting planes and trains to visit you but I do think they could make more of an effort when you’ve flown to visit them. I would relish having the children to myself and be encouraging you to go out and enjoy yourselves, but then maybe your parents are older and/or not quite as healthy as I am. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree that it's entirely their choice whether to be involved.

However, my parents are SUPER involved with DS. They absolutely love him and show it in everyway.

MIL on the other hand hardly sees DS. Still claims to be involved (all talk) - definitely is not. Spends majority of the year on holidays (which is fine IMO). I just leave her to think that as no point saying anything. There will be a time soon when DS (3MO) won't recognise who she is and there's noone else to blame if she gets upset 🤷🏻‍♀️

I believe people only miss out if they don’t get to do something they want to do. If they don’t want to do it in the first place, no missing out and no loss.

OP, your parents just may not want to cope with 2 small kids by themselves, even for an hour or two.

This ^

I'm sorry you are feeling isolated and alone.

Cheeky of your mother to declare being so hands on too!

Keep looking for your village they are there waiting for you too.

You don’t live near them. A flight & a train? No way! Plus, Covid was happening the last few years... My MIL wouldn’t travel to the end of the street to see my child. It’s sad, but we have to go to her every time.

Expect nothing

You live a flight and a train away!

Your parents aren't the problem.

It's your DHs job that apparently can only be done from a small village in the middle of nowhere.

Is you DH's job so rare he couldn't find something closer to your parents or at least a bigger city so you wouldn't be so isolated?