To expect more from grandparents?

[Villagemama]

We moved back from several years’ abroad when my DD was 8m old to be closer to family and settled in a small village, knowing nobody, for my husband’s work.

We have no family on my husband’s side and my parents live a short domestic flight + commuter train away (4-5hr door-to-door).

We now have 2 kids, 2 and 4, and my parents haven’t come to visit since the birth of the younger (I’ve made the trip half a dozen times since then with the kids). My siblings are younger, don’t have kids and live abroad.

I’ve struggled with isolation as a SAHM and while we now have plenty of waving-type acquaintances in the village, still only one or two whose houses we would visit. It doesn’t help that my husband commutes so doesn’t make local connections. I also think it’s the age and stage of the children.

My mother recently described herself as an involved grandparent which nearly blew my mind! As I said it’s become apparent they don’t travel, and when I travel to theirs, while my mother is very kind to the kids, happy to read stories and make lunch etc, she would never suggest I took a break while she looked after the kids - even a solo supermarket trip.

On our last trip I asked if she and my father would look after the kids for an hour while my husband and I went to the pub around the corner, to which her response was “So you expect me to be trapped inside with the children while you’re out drinking??” So as it stands they’ve not once looked after the children, even while asleep.

I should add that I always considered myself to have a good relationship with my mother so I find her behaviour hurtful. I now see that she probably had a tough time too with small kids - and an unaware husband - so I think on some level she’s taking it out on me.

Long story short, I feel a sense of grief over the situation and also like there’s no obvious place for us to be. My desire to return to my hometown at some point has shifted due to my parents’ behaviour. We could return to the other side of the world I suppose where we had some connections. Or equally stay in our small town and try and build connections over time.

As it is I am feeling the lack of village! It’s been just my husband and me for a long time it feels. No one who’d step in if we were sick, who’d offer to look after the kids if we wanted to get a task done or offer a place to visit on a wet day inside with the kids.

AIBU to expect more from the grandparents??

MN is a weird place where you are completely unreasonable to expect any kind of help or support from your family when it comes to your kids.

The reality is that it is hurtful when you don't have grandparents that want to be more involved (especially when one is claiming they're hands on...). I would lower your expectations and try not to get wound up about it. I also wouldn't be going to them all the time and explain why if they asked.

I think ad you live a plane and train ride away then it's wrong to expect too much of grandparents. Yes they should have visited, yes they could have had the kids while you went to the pub, so they are being unreasonable. But I don't think I'd have big expectations of them regularly visiting or anything considering how far you've moved.

Can you get yourself to any groups to start meeting people?

YABU, they are your children not theirs. Grandparents don't owe anyone babysitting/childcare duties.

Oh yes, the lack of grand-parent provided childcare is a major cause of society breakdown
That is a ridiculous assertion
But as others have said, grandparents have nor legal or moral obligation to provide childcare. Indeed,why should they? Why begrudge one's parent's retirement and why expect them to look after one's kids?

this is such a selfish attitude! And how do you know how you will feel at 60 after working your whole life and bringing up kids?
You may well want to go travelling or cover yourself in tattoos. You cannot state that grandparents who choose not to be overinvolved in their dgc lives are missing out

So the main issue is that your mum doesn't want to babysit while you go out with your DH? I can understand her not wanting some charge of two very young children tbh. She might feel that she hasn't got the energy at her age to take this responsibility on. It seems like she perfectly happy to help out with stuff while you're there, so she isn't totally unwilling. As for visiting more, it's quite a long way away, so maybe it's harder for them to travel.

They may also feel that you don't need as much help because you're a SAHP and therefore not having to juggle so much. I appreciate that you need a break sometimes, of course, but your DH should also be facilitating this.

OP said the one time she asked for her mum to babysit for an hour, her mum refused and suggested she would be 'trapped' with the children.

Nothing here suggests her parents would step up if she did move closer.

That's rubbish OP- I babysit for my adult kids all the time and love it.

Are you kidding? Why can't she expect visits? Her parents are capable adults I presume??

Also, her mum's comment about being 'trapped' with the children whilst they went out for an HOUR does not suggest a happily involved grandparent.

YANBU OP

I understand the hurt, especially regarding the pub and my kids grandparents are less than an hour away. My only memories I have from being little are from being at my grandparents, I don't think I spent much time at home.

You can't really complain about the lack of grandparent involvement when you've chosen to live so far away from them OP.

My in laws were similar when my DC were small - they described themselves as involved grandparents, but once when they were staying with us and I asked them to watch the DC for 15 mins while I popped out to the shop they refused, so I had to take all three DC with me.

I was lucky though that my own parents were great so I wasn't in your position. I feel for you OP - it is hurtful.

You live too far away from your parents to reasonably expect much from them in terms of childcare and when you’re visiting them they probably want to spend time with all of you so feel a bit miffed when you want to disappear out leaving them with the children.

settled in a small village, knowing nobody, for my husband’s work.

It doesn’t help that my husband commutes so doesn’t make local connections

There seems to be a contradiction here - you moved to a small village for his work.......but he commutes . So it's hard to work out why you are living there. You moved 4 flying hours away from your parents but wonder why they don't visit - I don't blame them, it's a long trip ! And assuming that you've been living there for about 2 years , you've only visited your parents about 6 times which isn't exactly a lot either.

I'd suggest getting to know some of your neighbours and don't expect your parents to come visiting.

They live a plane flight away! and then a train after that! That is not close, and that is not within an expected visit range

There's two separate issues here ... yes, it would be nice if your DOs helped more but you need to focus on getting involved in your local community.

We moved a long distance from family and friends when I was pregnant ... we knew no one. So we just had to get out and about to make friends ... if you live in a village surely there is some sort of community? I went to church, joined the Parish Council, delivered newsletters, helped at the playgroup (even before DC was born), delivered meals on wheels, invited people to coffee, supported fund raising events etc etc. I soon had a wide circle of friends and we helped each other out with babysitting etc.

I get it. It is disappointing when you think you have a good relationship with your mother and then you have DC and she has no interest in looking after them at all. Especially when everyone else's mother seems to delight in spending time with their grandchildren.

You do live very far away. You don't think 4 hours including a flight is far but I haven't travelled that far in 20 years so would see it as a big trip, certainly not something I would do regularly.

I do understand why it is upsetting that they won't look after your DC for even short periods of time when you travel to see them. It is nice that you are able to stay with them with your whole family and they read to your DC and make them food. They are interested in your DC and they do welcome them.

I would work on building up a friendship group where you live. And after the awful pub comment I would never ask them to watch your DC again.

You are being totally U. Your parents sound fine but they are a long way away - a flight then a train?? Put your efforts into making local friends.

I could have written this OP! I think I did a few years ago, got absolutely slated and then cried for hours. It was a cry for help I wasn’t coping and wanted a support network, I wanted to feel like my parents cared about me but then to be told by loads of people on the internet “it was my choice to have kids you shouldn’t expect anyone to help or you are being unreasonable to want childcare or your being ridiculous you should cope by yourself”

I wasn’t after childcare, I was after someone to come and say being a parent is hard, it’s 24/7 and I see you. How about you go get a shower or pop to the shops while I watch the kids. I wasn’t after regular childcare just support.

Years later I still find it upsetting that my parents class themselves as involved grandparents yet I feel they are far from it.

You need to grieve for the relationship you thought you might have. I found accepting that’s how they behave and how they are going to be is the best.

I also think about when I’m hopefully a grandparent how much I will do differently.

The best thing I have done is push myself to as many baby groups as possible, I forced myself to make as many friends as possible to try and creat a support network. Downside is they all tend to have their own kids but in an emergency I know I could count on them.

The level of expectation on this thread is amazing. I'm truly stunned that people think a flight then a train for elderly people so they can provide free childcare is in any way acceptable.

You moved abroad, then back to the UK but 5 hours away included a flight and you’re pissed off she doesn’t make the effort. Seriously OP you’re being VVV unreasonable!
You chose to live so far, chose to be a SAHM, chose to move somewhere that mustn’t have much in the way of baby groups etc if you still haven’t met children of similar ages.
This is on you, not your mother.

I think a lot of people probably didn’t particularly enjoy raising their own kids so it’s not surprising when they don’t want to help out with more kids when they are older. I love my DD to bits, don’t particularly enjoy being a parent though. Small children can be utterly draining. I would help Dd out because even though I probably wouldn’t want to do it I love her and want her to be happy. To turn down an hour of childcare does seem a bit mad though.

You do live quite a bit away, if you totalled it up would it be quite expensive for them to come regularly?

YANBU, it is hard when parents don't help with your dc. Mine live much closer than yours and are older so have their reasons, but they think they help and are involved, but actually very rarely babysat and the dc are 9 and 11 now. IRL the grandparents are falling over themselves to see and help their gc, so yes of course it's hurtful. And the kids notice themselves as they grow up.

However, they live a long way away and it may take time to build a bond so that they feel comfortable looking after them. They should visit though and I think you need to be more direct in instigating this. If they won't come to you, it's up to you how much effort you make.

I think however the main issue is living where you do and being a SAHM, and you do need to make a community where you are. We have no family here and I am not in the middle of nowhere but have made a big effort to make a network of friends.

But you didnt move closer to family...you four hours away. Yabu as you isolated yourself and I'm not sure but as parents get older they less keen to travel. My pil who used to come down every other week or now once since Christmas (it's April) which why we making the effect to go to them now and they one hour and a half away

The distance is the main problem. YANBU to want them to have more involvement but I think it's hard for them due to the location.

I had no family near by either but surrounded myself with other mums...go to playgroup s...you be surprised how quickly you get a support network