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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguing with fiancé... who is being unreasonable?

92 replies

lilypond000 · 02/04/2023 15:20

10yr relationship, early 30s, engaged, with a 9m baby.

We are clashing bad and it is ruining our relationship, I don't think I am being unreasonable and being quite stubborn about that but hey... maybe I am. Let me know.

DP use to be the life and soul of the party back when we meet and I was ok with this he is a sociable creature and likes to drink. But now early 30s, baring in mind we have a small baby I thought he would have matured by now but nope. I'm starting to doubt he ever will.

He still has to be last one standing on nights out with friends and will go on all day benders strolling in at 3am probably once every 2 weeks, sometimes every weekend if birthday etc. he is also deluded and doesn't think he goes out as much as does, even though I'll show him proof.

I just don't understand why he can't compromise and come home at reasonable time say 12/1 and not get absolutely smashed, or why does he have to be out 4pm-3am. Go out later... come home earlier... I feel I'm still with a 21yo and it's unattractive

I don't get to go out without baby for long as ebf, baby won't take bottle... and on top of that my friends have just changed towards me since I've had a baby.

I will admit part of me is jealous he gets so much freedom whilst I do not... however, I am also like grow up...No?

On top of this he is one of those annoying people who when drunk will tell me his on his way home but isn't or will tell me going out for a quiet drink and surprisingly (not so much) comes rolling in plastered at 3am. I'm sick of the lying tbh and I feel like I'm always being given empty promises or being let down. For example if I say I want to go gym you need to have baby, but then his mate calls him saying I got football tickets, my alone time to go gym is ditched for him to be able to go.

All aside he is a great dad and very hands on during the week, or when he is here on weekend. I understand he needs downtime but I but don't know why he can't meet me in the middle.

I feel controlling By saying to him, "you've been out a lot lately can we chill this weekend as a family, or we have a booked event tomorrow can you just come home at a reasonable time not plastered"... but actually I feel this is reasonable.

I have had many conversations about this with him, it's like I'm telling you I'm not happy and you're still doing this? That's not ok.

OP posts:
IoooAINToooSAYINGoooSHEoooA · 02/04/2023 15:23

He sounds like a dick. But you can't compare his "freedom" to your lack of it whilst ebf. Presumably that's your choice to ebf?

Beachwalker66 · 02/04/2023 15:24

He sounds very immature.

I doubt he will change though - there's a danger he will turn you into his "mum" with all this trying to explain to him what he does. He knows OP. He just doesn't give a shit.

What will you do about it?

Coffeeandchocs · 02/04/2023 15:25

You’re not being unreasonable. Your life has changed, understandably, since having a baby but his life hasn’t. I think you need to sit down and have a really serious conversation about how his behaviour is not on. You say he’s a great dad during the week or when he’s home at the weekend, after saying he’s out almost every weekend, so basically he’s a dad during the week and then come the weekend he abandons all of his responsibilities and acts like a single 20-something. You really need to put a stop to this, your resentment is only going to grow and he’s shown no sign of changing of his own accord.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/04/2023 15:26

Equal down time. It's simple. Nothing else is fair. It's nothing to do with being controlling. You both decided to have a baby (presumably) you share looking after said baby. Equally. They need looking after 24 hours a day. Unfortunately. But presumably you both knew that when you decided to have a baby.
Gym example. You're going to gym. Already decided. Friend says I have football tickets. The father of your baby should say 'can't mate, I'm parenting. '

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 15:28

He knows how upset you are due to his selfishness, and he knows he's taking advantage of you. He just doesn't care. Men like this don't change, they double down.

Don't marry him and don't be foolish enough to have another baby with him.

Sexnotgender · 02/04/2023 15:29

YANBU. He’s an immature little arsehole who needs to grow up.

When he rolls in at 3am hammered does he get up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 6am with his baby and do his share (properly) of parenting?

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 15:30

It was a foolish decision to have a baby with a man like this. Of course your life was going to change beyond recognition while his changes are that he now has a baby to play doting dad with during the week and no difference to his weekend benders.

You're not being unreasonable for resenting this.

neilyoungismyhero · 02/04/2023 15:32

I was married to someone similar. I didn't mind about my free time tbh but I did mind about the selfish juvenile way he behaved. We spoke about his drinking, football and socialising before our child was born. He assured me he would step up and he did for a while but it didn't last. The main reason he's now an ex. He also got involved with someone else during his many social nights out. Sadly they don't change imo.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/04/2023 15:33

Pft he sounds very immature and let's you do all the grunt work.

Doesn't sound very kind or respectful to me.

Do you actually love him? Does he love you?

Me and DH has two children and DH rarely goes out. Most weekends we spend as a family. He's had two or three work dinners with some drinks after but the lastest he is home is 11pm and he will get up with the children in the morning.

I haven't been out much at all but recently have had a few nights out (baby is 16m so doesn't need me there although does still BF) and I've been home by 10pm.

He doesn't have to go out and get blazing and roll in so late. I imagine he is useless the following day too? I'd be considering my options tbh

raincamepouringdown · 02/04/2023 15:34

You were unwise to have a baby with someone who doesn't want to grow up and do his share. Notice his life hasn't really changed while yours has massively. Completely unreasonable on his part.

Don't have another one with him.

dietcokelime · 02/04/2023 15:35

I think perhaps YABU - you have been together a long time, he's not been hiding who he is. You've decided it's time to grow up and want him to mature, that part I don't think YABU for, however to expect that of someone who's shown you continuously from the beginning that's not who they are, that's where I think YABU!

The EBF thing and your friends changing towards you since having a DC is a different kettle of fish imo.

He doesn't compromise because he doesn't want to - and that's just how he is. If this is a big deal for you then I think it's a decision between either put up or get out, people don't suddenly in their 30s decide to become a completely different person to who they've been for the past 10 plus years in my experience.

Original poster
lilypond000 · 02/04/2023 15:38

He isn't useless the following day he is still very hands on come morning, in no way am I bashing him for his parenting, I just feel my needs are being ignored

He also will initially say no to people and then come tell me he said no like I should applaud him. I can't tell him what to do so I say if you want to go just go and he will regardless of knowing how I feel about it

Makes me feel controlling if I say no actually im not happy with that because of xyz

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 02/04/2023 15:43

I can't tell him what to do so I say if you want to go just go and he will regardless of knowing how I feel about it

There’s your mistake. He’s clearly not going to put you first so you need to do it.

He’s got no problem putting him and his wants first. I suggest you learn to do the same.

When he tells you he’s said no to the football tickets, say great, you’re looking after Ella so couldn’t go anyway. Then just move on. Don’t dwell on it.

Jagoda · 02/04/2023 15:45

Yeah - you're his mum.

ConstanceOcean · 02/04/2023 15:45

For example if I say I want to go gym you need to have baby, but then his mate calls him saying I got football tickets, my alone time to go gym is ditched for him to be able to go.

I was going to say YABU.
You shouldn’t stop having fun just because you reach 30 and have a baby.

But YANBU because he’s selfish with it.
It is only ok if you both get a similar amount of free time.

It is not fair that his free time trumps yours and it just shows how little he thinks about you.

I know MNers usually hate having a schedule but I do think having one will help your relationship.
E.g you alternate the weekends you go out and can only go out one day of that weekend.
So next weekend could be ‘his’ weekend and he can choose to go out either Friday or Saturday night but not both.
Then the weekend after you can choose which night or day to go out but not both.
That way you’re both having your social time but also having time as a family.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/04/2023 15:46

lilypond000 · 02/04/2023 15:38

He isn't useless the following day he is still very hands on come morning, in no way am I bashing him for his parenting, I just feel my needs are being ignored

He also will initially say no to people and then come tell me he said no like I should applaud him. I can't tell him what to do so I say if you want to go just go and he will regardless of knowing how I feel about it

Makes me feel controlling if I say no actually im not happy with that because of xyz

He, or someone else, has gas lit you into thinking you're being controlling when actually you're just wanting exactly the same as he is doing all the time.

If you weren't ebf (which will presumably be quite soon when they're on 3 meals a day) and you said to him 'I'm off to a spa with my mates this weekend.' And he said you couldn't go, would you think he was being controlling? (Cos that's what you're doing if it's the other way round).

strawberry2017 · 02/04/2023 15:48

He isn't going to change, believe me I'm living a version of this over computer games.
They won't ever see what you see, it will always get turned on to you been the unreasonable one.

Whattt44 · 02/04/2023 15:49

He simply doesn't care enough about you to change his ways .

HamBone · 02/04/2023 15:49

Do you know h what his Dad was like, OP? Was he ann involved parent who went on family outings, etc.? If so, could you point out how much your DP enjoyed family time with his parents and that you should create the same memories for your DD.

if his Dad wasn’t like that, wouldn’t it be great if he did things differently?

I definitely wouldn’t get married until things have changed, OP. 💐

Asummersday · 02/04/2023 15:53

He just isn't ready to settle down it seems. Not much you can do, you can’t change what people want in their heart, you’d just be forcing him to. Not much to add as you have a baby now

CurlewKate · 02/04/2023 15:53

He's not a great dad. Part of being a great dad is treating a child's mother with consideration and respect. In other words, modelling a good relationship.

Giggorata · 02/04/2023 15:54

I think it is easy to get trapped into accepting that you are being controlling, in the same way that men used to describe angry women as “strident”.

It isn't being “controlling” to want fairness, parenting or standards.

You are also being far too acquiescent, in my view, by saying if he wants to go, then go. He is clearly taking advantage. Tell him you're not happy with that, and why.
You could say something like yes, I want to out shopping/an all day spa/a girls' night out, so I understand. but we are parents now. Take your turn.

RestingRulers · 02/04/2023 15:54

He is obviously in the wrong and does not care what you think about it. He is putting his fun before you and your child.

I think you would be crazy to marry him. If you do marry him and he continues like this, and wouldn't he, not only are you going to have to deal with him but you are going to have to live with the fact that you ignored his behaviour and still went ahead and married him.

You need to be sensible.

Original poster
lilypond000 · 02/04/2023 15:57

@HamBone We still do family days on weekends just the 3 of us and he is very involved. Like I've not said it's not every weekend he is out (although occasionally if birthdays etc.) which makes me doubt myself that maybe I am being unreasonable.

But the main concern here is I guess lack of equal downtime

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 02/04/2023 15:58

Does he not care that you must be feeling anxious when he tells you that he’s on his way home but then doesn’t roll in until hours later? Obviously not, and that is because he is an immature selfish dick. He cares more about himself than his own daughter. Why would you put up with this shit?