Arguing with fiancé... who is being unreasonable?

[lilypond000]

10yr relationship, early 30s, engaged, with a 9m baby.

We are clashing bad and it is ruining our relationship, I don't think I am being unreasonable and being quite stubborn about that but hey... maybe I am. Let me know.

DP use to be the life and soul of the party back when we meet and I was ok with this he is a sociable creature and likes to drink. But now early 30s, baring in mind we have a small baby I thought he would have matured by now but nope. I'm starting to doubt he ever will.

He still has to be last one standing on nights out with friends and will go on all day benders strolling in at 3am probably once every 2 weeks, sometimes every weekend if birthday etc. he is also deluded and doesn't think he goes out as much as does, even though I'll show him proof.

I just don't understand why he can't compromise and come home at reasonable time say 12/1 and not get absolutely smashed, or why does he have to be out 4pm-3am. Go out later... come home earlier... I feel I'm still with a 21yo and it's unattractive

I don't get to go out without baby for long as ebf, baby won't take bottle... and on top of that my friends have just changed towards me since I've had a baby.

I will admit part of me is jealous he gets so much freedom whilst I do not... however, I am also like grow up...No?

On top of this he is one of those annoying people who when drunk will tell me his on his way home but isn't or will tell me going out for a quiet drink and surprisingly (not so much) comes rolling in plastered at 3am. I'm sick of the lying tbh and I feel like I'm always being given empty promises or being let down. For example if I say I want to go gym you need to have baby, but then his mate calls him saying I got football tickets, my alone time to go gym is ditched for him to be able to go.

All aside he is a great dad and very hands on during the week, or when he is here on weekend. I understand he needs downtime but I but don't know why he can't meet me in the middle.

I feel controlling By saying to him, "you've been out a lot lately can we chill this weekend as a family, or we have a booked event tomorrow can you just come home at a reasonable time not plastered"... but actually I feel this is reasonable.

I have had many conversations about this with him, it's like I'm telling you I'm not happy and you're still doing this? That's not ok.

OP - Great dads don't roll in drunk at 3 in the morning on a regular
basis.
Great dads also don't bugger of with their friends after promising their partners they'll look after the baby while the partner goes out. He sounds very selfish.
Don't marry him.

Hmm, you do need to put your foot down about equal downtime. My DH has the odd big night out, but so do I…although realistically I can’t stay up until 3 now and he hasn’t for a while either (we’re 48 and 50 though). 😂

Could you make some definite plans and let him know that you and various friends are going out on X date so he’ll be looking after your DD?
He needs to get used to sharing responsibility for your DD, you’re not the default babysitter.

I agree with PP’s that he’s being immature, but also think it’s worth trying as it’s still early days parenting-wise. He sounds selfish, but not horrible. I’ve always been more selfish than my DH, but have learnt to be more thoughtful, it’s possible to change if you’re willing to.

Yeah without a baby, as a 20 something totally reasonable.

Early 30s with a baby.....yeah it's unreasonable.

Her choice to feed her child? Are you f’ing kidding me?
She’s saving money, and giving her child a fantastic start nutritionally.

‘Her choice… ‘ pfft

I don't think he's ready for the commitment and to grow up. He's still got all this drinking and carrying on in his system. You are in danger of becoming his fun stopping mum. He needs to grow up fast or get binned off.

Is ebf not a choice? It is restricting, from someone who done it with baby number 1. So no, I am not fucking kidding you.

Urgh, he sounds horribly similar to my first husband. He never did grow up.

Does your DP refer to his friends as “the boys” by any chance? Does he get very excited about stag weekends?

Don’t have any more DC with him (which I stupidly did). If you chose to stay with him then you will be able to cope if you only have one DC.

Or, you can knock it on the head down and, when you are ready, find yourself an adult man who you can respect and be attracted to.

*knock it on the head now

I just don't understand why he can't compromise and come home at reasonable time say 12/1 and not get absolutely smashed,

Because he doesn't want to.

I’m also curious about the ebf. If your child is nine months are they not also on solids, can you not wean if it’s causing you restrictions?

I dont think you are being unreasonable, I think he is

Of course it's a choice.
People who do not breast feed have perfectly healthy babies.

He won't change.

He especially won't change as long as you keep letting him away with walking all over you so you don't seem 'controlling'

OP, you seem hellbent on defending him and explaining what a great dad he is. Do you think he would describe you as a great mum if you went out most weekends, lied about when you were coming home and rolled in drunk at 3am? I highly doubt it!
You need to set higher standards, not just for yourself but for your child now too.

Baby is on solids but still feeding every 4 hrs. She is also teething atm and boob is all that clams her. Feeds to sleep too. She won't take a bottle. All terrible habits I know but I'm not willing to stop feeding my child. I can get my downtime from just simply being in another part of the house/gymming while DP has her, i don't need to stop feeding my child and go on all day benders like DP. I wouldn't even want to.

Hes not going to stop living like that until HE wants to.
He doesn't actually care about your downtime.

So its either accept that, or break up.

He is not going to meet your needs on this.

Also, even if you convinced him to stay in more, he wouldn't actually be doing it for you to have a break or because hed love the extra familiy time...he'd be doing it so he gets in less "trouble".

Like how he tells you he declines an invitation at first, that isn't because he wants to put you first, its so you'll think he's great.

If she feeds every four hours, I’d arrange a night out with friends very soon- leave right after a 7pm feed for example and be back around 11. Show him you’re determined to have a social life too!

Could he start putting her to bed so you don’t have to feed her to sleep? It’ll be painful for a while, but it’s for comfort rather than nutrition at this point.

Mine are teenagers now, but I remember weaning all too well. 😂. I was lucky in that mine lost interest fairly quickly though.

I do think having that one-on-one time builds strong bonds as well. If he learns to soothe your DD to sleep, songs to get, tells her stories, etc., it’ll strengthen their bond. Even if it involves some yelling on her part initially. 😆

*sings to her

Do you think he may have an alcohol problem, OP? That would explain why he can't just "cut down" and doesn't want to shorten the nights out. How long can he go without drinking?

Can you express your milk?

That way you can have more you time without needing to rush back to feed the baby.

You say your free time in unequal.
In an ideal situation what would you want?

I think you're going along with it too easily I.e. feeling you're a fun-stopper (from your update). If he says no to social invitations - great. You don't need to feel guilty or tell him he should go. Let him take his turn staying home. He's a grown man and a father.

You made the mistake that countless other women make - you thought having a child would make him grow up. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. He has to want to change, but he has no motivation to.

Spend this week pumping when you can and build up a store. REMEMBER your baby is 9 months old so can have some solids even if it's just puréed food so he is more thank capable of feeding the baby for a few hours

Make arrangements tonight with your friends to do something next weekend - gym/lunch/dinner/out to town for a few hours

Tell him the arrangements and what time you will be going out and what time you will be back and that he is in charge

And then do it. Prove to him that your capable of keeping your word and you deserve downtime too. You are not just a mother and need to have a life too

You need to be proactive you've tried the soft approach and he is not listening

If you don't want to do anything with your friends then ask your family if you don't want to do anything with the family then tell him next weekend you are having a date night (that's if you have suitable childcare) so you can reconnect and you can have a break and he won't be getting smashed.

The other option if you can't get childcare is the three of you will have a date day/evening but he is on baby duty and won't be getting drunk