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Original poster

Arguing with fiancé... who is being unreasonable?

92 replies

lilypond000 · 02/04/2023 15:20

10yr relationship, early 30s, engaged, with a 9m baby.

We are clashing bad and it is ruining our relationship, I don't think I am being unreasonable and being quite stubborn about that but hey... maybe I am. Let me know.

DP use to be the life and soul of the party back when we meet and I was ok with this he is a sociable creature and likes to drink. But now early 30s, baring in mind we have a small baby I thought he would have matured by now but nope. I'm starting to doubt he ever will.

He still has to be last one standing on nights out with friends and will go on all day benders strolling in at 3am probably once every 2 weeks, sometimes every weekend if birthday etc. he is also deluded and doesn't think he goes out as much as does, even though I'll show him proof.

I just don't understand why he can't compromise and come home at reasonable time say 12/1 and not get absolutely smashed, or why does he have to be out 4pm-3am. Go out later... come home earlier... I feel I'm still with a 21yo and it's unattractive

I don't get to go out without baby for long as ebf, baby won't take bottle... and on top of that my friends have just changed towards me since I've had a baby.

I will admit part of me is jealous he gets so much freedom whilst I do not... however, I am also like grow up...No?

On top of this he is one of those annoying people who when drunk will tell me his on his way home but isn't or will tell me going out for a quiet drink and surprisingly (not so much) comes rolling in plastered at 3am. I'm sick of the lying tbh and I feel like I'm always being given empty promises or being let down. For example if I say I want to go gym you need to have baby, but then his mate calls him saying I got football tickets, my alone time to go gym is ditched for him to be able to go.

All aside he is a great dad and very hands on during the week, or when he is here on weekend. I understand he needs downtime but I but don't know why he can't meet me in the middle.

I feel controlling By saying to him, "you've been out a lot lately can we chill this weekend as a family, or we have a booked event tomorrow can you just come home at a reasonable time not plastered"... but actually I feel this is reasonable.

I have had many conversations about this with him, it's like I'm telling you I'm not happy and you're still doing this? That's not ok.

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocs · 02/04/2023 18:19

HamBone · 02/04/2023 16:59

If she feeds every four hours, I’d arrange a night out with friends very soon- leave right after a 7pm feed for example and be back around 11. Show him you’re determined to have a social life too!

Could he start putting her to bed so you don’t have to feed her to sleep? It’ll be painful for a while, but it’s for comfort rather than nutrition at this point.

Mine are teenagers now, but I remember weaning all too well. 😂. I was lucky in that mine lost interest fairly quickly though.

Breastfeeding a 9 month old is absolutely not just for comfort. Of course there is an element of comfort that comes from breastfeeding but to say it’s for comfort rather than nutrition at 9 months old is absolute nonsense. In the same way that a formula fed baby would still be having a few bottles a day at this age. They don’t wean at six months and suddenly stop drinking milk.

Anyway, all of this is besides the point. The OP doesn’t want to go out as DP is doing, she wants him to stop going out so much.

Coffeeandchocs · 02/04/2023 18:24

lilypond000 · 02/04/2023 16:41

Baby is on solids but still feeding every 4 hrs. She is also teething atm and boob is all that clams her. Feeds to sleep too. She won't take a bottle. All terrible habits I know but I'm not willing to stop feeding my child. I can get my downtime from just simply being in another part of the house/gymming while DP has her, i don't need to stop feeding my child and go on all day benders like DP. I wouldn't even want to.

They’re not terrible habits OP, just quite normal baby behaviour. I don’t know why people are insistent on telling you that you don’t need to feed or that you need to pump all day every day so you can go out on the town too, you’ve not said that’s what you want. You’ve not asked for advice on how you can do the same as your DP, you’ve asked how to get him to stop. I don’t know why it seems that when someone is breastfeeding, the solution to any problem always is that you should stop breastfeeding. Your partner is going out too much and not pulling your weight but somehow the solution to that is that you should stop feeding or you should pump.
You can get the downtime you want, a rest/trip to the gym/a solo walk, in between feeds very easily.

Ilovetea42 · 02/04/2023 18:38

"I feel controlling By saying to him, "you've been out a lot lately can we chill this weekend as a family, or we have a booked event tomorrow can you just come home at a reasonable time not plastered"... but actually I feel this is reasonable."

I would actually say that he is controlling you by going out as much as he is and ditching plans he's agreed to at the last minute meaning you get no time to yourself.

HamBone · 02/04/2023 18:55

@Coffeeandchocs I meant bf her to sleep. Of course they still need milk several times a day!

The OP could feed her DD and then her DH puts her to bed so the association between bf and going to sleep is broken. As PP’s have said, she could also try expressing and letting her DH give their DD the bottle.

My DH put our two to bed at least twice a week from about six months as I had evening classes 6-9 pm. 🤷

Coffeeandchocs · 02/04/2023 19:03

HamBone · 02/04/2023 18:55

@Coffeeandchocs I meant bf her to sleep. Of course they still need milk several times a day!

The OP could feed her DD and then her DH puts her to bed so the association between bf and going to sleep is broken. As PP’s have said, she could also try expressing and letting her DH give their DD the bottle.

My DH put our two to bed at least twice a week from about six months as I had evening classes 6-9 pm. 🤷

Ah, I misunderstood what you said about comfort not nutrition then, sorry.

But this still isn’t advice the OP has asked for. She’d like to visit the gym or have some time to herself in the house. All very easily achievable without changing anything with regards to feeding/routines, so long as her DP is there. She just needs him to be home more and she’d find the balance much better, she’s said herself she doesn’t want to be out and away from her baby all day.

Coffeeandchocs · 02/04/2023 19:05

HamBone · 02/04/2023 18:55

@Coffeeandchocs I meant bf her to sleep. Of course they still need milk several times a day!

The OP could feed her DD and then her DH puts her to bed so the association between bf and going to sleep is broken. As PP’s have said, she could also try expressing and letting her DH give their DD the bottle.

My DH put our two to bed at least twice a week from about six months as I had evening classes 6-9 pm. 🤷

She’s also said her baby doesn’t take a bottle so there’s no point suggesting expressing. Her breastfeeding isn’t the problem here and it’s not the thing that needs to change. Men can be present and involved in their baby’s lives even if they are breastfed.

HamBone · 02/04/2023 19:15

@Coffeeandchocs Yes, I’m trying to think of ways he could get more involved in his DD’s life and bond with her one-to-one.

Due to my schedule, my DH didn’t have much option but to be very involved with our two from early on and realize that I wasn’t the default babysitter. Her DP seems to think that she is, for some reason.

I’m not sure whether it’ll work in this case, but the OP can perhaps try to give him more responsibility for their DD and make herself less available.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 19:22

He's not the one. Sorry but I spent faaaar too long trying to be "cool" when I was proper fucked off.

Give him an ultimatum now and be prepared to walk (I did). He's probably taking drugs if he's up until 4am, which would be ok (ish, maybe), but he now has a family.

Waking up to a grown man who has pissed himself on the sofa and isn't fit to function until 3pm is NOT fun. X x x

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 19:23

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 15:30

It was a foolish decision to have a baby with a man like this. Of course your life was going to change beyond recognition while his changes are that he now has a baby to play doting dad with during the week and no difference to his weekend benders.

You're not being unreasonable for resenting this.

I don't think you can accurately predict what they will be like when you have kids. If you could we would never have kids with a man who can get hammered and happily physically assault you. Just saying.

JMSA · 02/04/2023 19:28

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, OP. It must feel incredibly lonely Flowers
I think you should show him the replies on here. He's a selfish twat.

RattyMom · 02/04/2023 19:31

Alarm bells here.
Was in a relationship with someone like that once. Right down to the notion that by asking him to come home when he'd said he would (or just let me know) rather than roll in hours later than expected, making me sick with worry, I was being controlling (he used the word "emasculating" about being asked to send a simple "I'm going to stay for a few more drinks" text). Eventually he left me, mainly over this.
Then he wanted me back because leaving me was the worst mistake of his life, etc.
Well, after relationship counseling and promises to change and lots of effort on his part to prove that he meant all that, I took him back. And I married him.
And, while he did change wrt that going out/drinking stuff, I'm nevertheless now married to a fully grown man baby who expects me to mother him. I earn the money and do all the domestic stuff, admin, mental load, etc etc. I'm bloody knackered and emotionally washed up at all times.
Your chap is being utterly unfair to you, so please please make him face this fact and make changes before it's all too ingrained. You deserve better.

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 19:31

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 19:23

I don't think you can accurately predict what they will be like when you have kids. If you could we would never have kids with a man who can get hammered and happily physically assault you. Just saying.

Show quote history

I base my opinion onthe fact that most women I know in real life whose partners/husbands don't do their fair share were very obviously going to be in this situationabd ignored all advice on a hope and a wish he would magically change. I come from a country where we are blunt and open with each other, I have pointed out to many friends in my time they were going to end up being stuck at home with baby/doing all housework/with a husband who doesn't even know his own children's shoe sizes but lots wouldn't be told.

I had a very involved father, my mither had hobbies outside the house and we were raised not to be doormats. My brothers are all older and so my sister and I had a good idea of what qualities would make a good husband/father of my kids when the time came for us to date.

Of course its not always possible at all but it's not as if thw signs weren't there with this one!

DeflatedAgain · 02/04/2023 19:37

I am also a little envious of my DH freedom. I also EBF and my DS won't feed in public or anywhere very loud (sigh) so I'm home so much. Missing me time - a lot.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 19:50

I'm pretty certain you can't tel what kind of dad a man will be until he is a dad. Or none of us would have, or have had kids with, shit dads.

Just guessing here...

Why would I stand at the altar and marry someone and have a kid with them if I knew they were crap? No one would.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 19:51

And if you think that it's possible to tell, please explain this to the parents of murdered women and mothers who, "should have been able to tell."

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 19:53

And you can be as blunt as you like, but you're still talking cr@p

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 21:01

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 19:50

I'm pretty certain you can't tel what kind of dad a man will be until he is a dad. Or none of us would have, or have had kids with, shit dads.

Just guessing here...

Why would I stand at the altar and marry someone and have a kid with them if I knew they were crap? No one would.

"Why would I stand at the altar and marry someone and have a kid with them if I knew they were crap? No one would"

Lots of people would and do, just because you don't know or notice them doesn't mean they don't exist. What a strange argument you are trying to have here.

All I'm saying is that there are sometimes signs that someone will be a crap father and co-parent. That's a plain old fact. Sorry if you're one of the ones who got caught with a dud when there were NO signs but that's not what I'm talking about.

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 21:03

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 19:51

And if you think that it's possible to tell, please explain this to the parents of murdered women and mothers who, "should have been able to tell."

Don't put words in my mouth. You've gone off on one without making and effort to understand what I'm saying and using quotation marks to attribute words to me which I have never said makes you look like you're the one talking crap, not me hun.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:05

Cheers "Hun" but you made yourself clear here. Don't be mad at me because you're wrong...

"I base my opinion onthe fact that most women I know in real life whose partners/husbands don't do their fair share were very obviously going to be in this situationabd ignored all advice on a hope and a wish he would magically change"

We really don't know. Or we would make different choices.

I've included your typos for authenticity but you're so so so so wrong.

Antiquiteas · 02/04/2023 21:06

He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. That’s the end of it.

It’s up to you whether you put up with it or not.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:06

And I'm only attributing words you directly wrote to you, so if you don't like it then maybe amend your opinion/what you've written?

Have a heart.

Squidger45 · 02/04/2023 21:08

lilypond000 · 02/04/2023 15:20

10yr relationship, early 30s, engaged, with a 9m baby.

We are clashing bad and it is ruining our relationship, I don't think I am being unreasonable and being quite stubborn about that but hey... maybe I am. Let me know.

DP use to be the life and soul of the party back when we meet and I was ok with this he is a sociable creature and likes to drink. But now early 30s, baring in mind we have a small baby I thought he would have matured by now but nope. I'm starting to doubt he ever will.

He still has to be last one standing on nights out with friends and will go on all day benders strolling in at 3am probably once every 2 weeks, sometimes every weekend if birthday etc. he is also deluded and doesn't think he goes out as much as does, even though I'll show him proof.

I just don't understand why he can't compromise and come home at reasonable time say 12/1 and not get absolutely smashed, or why does he have to be out 4pm-3am. Go out later... come home earlier... I feel I'm still with a 21yo and it's unattractive

I don't get to go out without baby for long as ebf, baby won't take bottle... and on top of that my friends have just changed towards me since I've had a baby.

I will admit part of me is jealous he gets so much freedom whilst I do not... however, I am also like grow up...No?

On top of this he is one of those annoying people who when drunk will tell me his on his way home but isn't or will tell me going out for a quiet drink and surprisingly (not so much) comes rolling in plastered at 3am. I'm sick of the lying tbh and I feel like I'm always being given empty promises or being let down. For example if I say I want to go gym you need to have baby, but then his mate calls him saying I got football tickets, my alone time to go gym is ditched for him to be able to go.

All aside he is a great dad and very hands on during the week, or when he is here on weekend. I understand he needs downtime but I but don't know why he can't meet me in the middle.

I feel controlling By saying to him, "you've been out a lot lately can we chill this weekend as a family, or we have a booked event tomorrow can you just come home at a reasonable time not plastered"... but actually I feel this is reasonable.

I have had many conversations about this with him, it's like I'm telling you I'm not happy and you're still doing this? That's not ok.

My exH was like this. Left him after 10 years of it.

Wasted my 20s! Hindsight , eh?

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:08

Antiquiteas · 02/04/2023 21:06

He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. That’s the end of it.

It’s up to you whether you put up with it or not.

This! It doesn't matter who he was or who you thought you may have married (we've all been there). You need to address who he is now. Xxx

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 21:16

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:05

Cheers "Hun" but you made yourself clear here. Don't be mad at me because you're wrong...

"I base my opinion onthe fact that most women I know in real life whose partners/husbands don't do their fair share were very obviously going to be in this situationabd ignored all advice on a hope and a wish he would magically change"

We really don't know. Or we would make different choices.

I've included your typos for authenticity but you're so so so so wrong.

Well done on the quote my dear, but what you'd need to prove the accuracy of your quote os where I've said

""should have been able to tell.""

Which I haven't said. Because that isn't what I think.

Shall I keep spelling it out? Some women do know their partner will be a crap person to parent with, and have kids with them anyway. Tell me I'm wrong all you like, I know plenty of those women irl so I'll take my real lived experience over your weird need to correct me any day.

What is even the point to argue about this? People are allowed to have different experiences and opinions based on them you know.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:22

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