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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Arguing with fiancé... who is being unreasonable?

92 replies

lilypond000 · 02/04/2023 15:20

10yr relationship, early 30s, engaged, with a 9m baby.

We are clashing bad and it is ruining our relationship, I don't think I am being unreasonable and being quite stubborn about that but hey... maybe I am. Let me know.

DP use to be the life and soul of the party back when we meet and I was ok with this he is a sociable creature and likes to drink. But now early 30s, baring in mind we have a small baby I thought he would have matured by now but nope. I'm starting to doubt he ever will.

He still has to be last one standing on nights out with friends and will go on all day benders strolling in at 3am probably once every 2 weeks, sometimes every weekend if birthday etc. he is also deluded and doesn't think he goes out as much as does, even though I'll show him proof.

I just don't understand why he can't compromise and come home at reasonable time say 12/1 and not get absolutely smashed, or why does he have to be out 4pm-3am. Go out later... come home earlier... I feel I'm still with a 21yo and it's unattractive

I don't get to go out without baby for long as ebf, baby won't take bottle... and on top of that my friends have just changed towards me since I've had a baby.

I will admit part of me is jealous he gets so much freedom whilst I do not... however, I am also like grow up...No?

On top of this he is one of those annoying people who when drunk will tell me his on his way home but isn't or will tell me going out for a quiet drink and surprisingly (not so much) comes rolling in plastered at 3am. I'm sick of the lying tbh and I feel like I'm always being given empty promises or being let down. For example if I say I want to go gym you need to have baby, but then his mate calls him saying I got football tickets, my alone time to go gym is ditched for him to be able to go.

All aside he is a great dad and very hands on during the week, or when he is here on weekend. I understand he needs downtime but I but don't know why he can't meet me in the middle.

I feel controlling By saying to him, "you've been out a lot lately can we chill this weekend as a family, or we have a booked event tomorrow can you just come home at a reasonable time not plastered"... but actually I feel this is reasonable.

I have had many conversations about this with him, it's like I'm telling you I'm not happy and you're still doing this? That's not ok.

OP posts:

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:24

And stop blaming women for the failings of men. Not commenting to you further. You're an awful human.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:31

OP, I'd advise you not to THINK about why he is doing what he is doing, but rather observe and watch what he IS doing. It's horrible and hurtful but what he is choosing to do is what he wants to do.

It's nothing to do with you or your baby, it's ALL about him and his own wants. Please message me if you'd like to, it's awful and it destroys you if you're not careful and kind to yourself X

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 21:36

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:24

And stop blaming women for the failings of men. Not commenting to you further. You're an awful human.

Thanks but I get my sense of self worth from my life outside of the comments from random internet strangers and I'm pretty bloody lovely FYI.

Best of luck with your crappy husband.

monsteramunch · 02/04/2023 21:41

RattyMom · 02/04/2023 19:31

Alarm bells here.
Was in a relationship with someone like that once. Right down to the notion that by asking him to come home when he'd said he would (or just let me know) rather than roll in hours later than expected, making me sick with worry, I was being controlling (he used the word "emasculating" about being asked to send a simple "I'm going to stay for a few more drinks" text). Eventually he left me, mainly over this.
Then he wanted me back because leaving me was the worst mistake of his life, etc.
Well, after relationship counseling and promises to change and lots of effort on his part to prove that he meant all that, I took him back. And I married him.
And, while he did change wrt that going out/drinking stuff, I'm nevertheless now married to a fully grown man baby who expects me to mother him. I earn the money and do all the domestic stuff, admin, mental load, etc etc. I'm bloody knackered and emotionally washed up at all times.
Your chap is being utterly unfair to you, so please please make him face this fact and make changes before it's all too ingrained. You deserve better.

This made me so sad 😞

Please don't force yourself to remain in a relationship with someone who is draining you in so many ways.

You deserve to have as happy and healthy a life as possible. He is an obstacle to you having that life.

You deserve more and your kids deserve to enjoy their mum being happy and not taken advantage of / undervalued.

It's never too late to change your mind about a relationship

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:44

Natty13 he's long gone, which you would know if you could read.

Dotcheck · 02/04/2023 21:45

Cosyblankets · 02/04/2023 16:37

Of course it's a choice.
People who do not breast feed have perfectly healthy babies.

Show quote history

Of course formula fed babies are healthy too, but surely the ‘choice’ isn’t that if she breastfeeds her husband gets to just skip off at all times. It should be a commitment made by both of them, with his support. She shouldn’t be punished for a feeding choice.

EstelleOrders · 02/04/2023 21:50

He will never change, he will expect you to accommodate him and make exceptions for him. Please consider if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life?

junebirthdaygirl · 02/04/2023 22:03

Phineyj · 02/04/2023 17:06

Do you think he may have an alcohol problem, OP? That would explain why he can't just "cut down" and doesn't want to shorten the nights out. How long can he go without drinking?

Surprised more people are not saying this. Sounds like when he starts drinking he finds it difficult to stop. His drinking is causing the issues not immaturity l think. That's why he can't stick to a plan. He means to go out until 12 but then forgets everything when he has a few drinks. Focus on that .

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 22:06

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 21:44

Natty13 he's long gone, which you would know if you could read.

Thought you weren't going to reply any more 😂

Look I've obviously touched a nerve with you. Happens to the best of us but you could probably do with laying off the wines or whatever else it is making you so aggressive this evening.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 22:13

It's not about you or your issues either my dear. You're the one who keeps conveniently ignoring the word SOME in my comments which you misunderstood and went off on.

I work with and for women every day. Maybe you're one of the women I've helped? Maybe you think I'm the absolute nicest. You have no idea what I base my opinions on or what leads me to give the advice I do. You're just obsessively attacking me because you've had a rough time of it and something I said has touched a nerve. I suggest you have a bath or do some deep breathing. Genuinely. Best of luck.

EstelleOrders · 02/04/2023 22:13

Come on guys stop arguing please, takes the focus away from from the OP wanting advice. Thank you

EstelleOrders · 02/04/2023 22:13

@Natty13 drop it

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 22:17

EstelleOrders · 02/04/2023 22:13

@Natty13 drop it

I really don't have anything left to say and agree this just needs left. However as in real life, I'm not going to sit back and let someone make unbased personal attacks on me. I have every right to defend myself thanks.

Royalbloo · 02/04/2023 22:20

Defend who? I was defending the OP and every woman who had married a monster or someone who pretends to be something they're not. I'm not even sure who you're arguing with at this point but it's a bit cringy.

And you are 100% someone who has never, and will never, "help me". God rest your soul if you're helping women in any way to flee abusive relationships with THAT attitude.

MsGrumpytrousers · 02/04/2023 22:25

No, he's not a great dad. Your bar is way too low. A good dad is one who takes equal responsibility for his child, not one who parents only when it's convenient.

And "Makes me feel controlling if I say no actually im not happy with that because of xyz" - is this how you feel, or how he makes you feel? Because it's not 'controlling' to tell someone honestly how you feel. You are not going to get anywhere until you're prepared to admit that his behaviour is unacceptable, and tell him that.

Stomacharmeleon · 02/04/2023 22:53

He isn't a great dad. He is sleep deprived and hung over or worse.
I married a bloke like that. And divorced him. He never changed. He is the boozy Middle Aged version of ' would attend the opening of an envelope' and it gets tired and lonely after a while.
He has never changed and now our sons worry he will drop dead or have a booze/ hard living related heart attack.

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