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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much parenting do you allow your partner do?

149 replies

Klunt · 02/04/2023 11:30

My husband isn’t the biological father of my eldest and I can’t help myself from getting so defensive when he disciplines her. He’s been in her life since she’s was 4, she’s now 9 and calls him daddy. He is every bit her dad as her real dad isn’t involved.

He is a lot more strict than I am, due to how he was parented. I’ve told him I don’t want our kids to be parented the way he was parented and he agrees but he sometimes slips back into what he knows and we end up arguing. We’ve had a huge argument this morning. I’ve had a lovely surprise planned for my daughter today and now she’s upstairs crying because he’s told her off for not tidying her room exactly when he asked her to. I think he’s being an arse called him out on it and he’s stormed off to work.

Aibu to think that actually I do get the final day in how my child is parented and that I’ve asked him plenty of times to leave things like discipline to me. I would rather them focus on just having a nice relationship.

OP posts:
JupiterFortified · 02/04/2023 11:35

I don’t think you can have it both ways OP.

On the one hand you’re saying “he is every bit her dad”.

On the other hand you’re saying “Aibu to think that actually I do get the final say in how my child is parented”.

She’s either his child or she’s not; you can’t just pick and choose. And this is why step parenting is the most thankless task in the world.

If you’re not on the same page re discipline then you need to sit down and talk about it properly, not pull the “well I’m the real parent” card.

TomatoFrog · 02/04/2023 11:38

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Original poster
Klunt · 02/04/2023 11:44

JupiterFortified · 02/04/2023 11:35

I don’t think you can have it both ways OP.

On the one hand you’re saying “he is every bit her dad”.

On the other hand you’re saying “Aibu to think that actually I do get the final say in how my child is parented”.

She’s either his child or she’s not; you can’t just pick and choose. And this is why step parenting is the most thankless task in the world.

If you’re not on the same page re discipline then you need to sit down and talk about it properly, not pull the “well I’m the real parent” card.

We’ve sat down SO many times and come to an agreement in how things should be done regarding parenting styles but it always slips back. I just don’t agree with the total authoritative style of parenting and wont allow any of our kids to be parented this way not just my daughter.

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 02/04/2023 11:45

I have 4 dc at home. Dh parents all as necessary but final decision down to me. We share 1.
Both happy with that.

Tomkirkman · 02/04/2023 11:48

So you hate the way he parents her. But also allowed him to become so close to her he is considered her actual father?

CheersForThatEh · 02/04/2023 11:48

I dont think you do get the final say if you've beouggt him into her life and let her call him dad.

He pays for her, looks after her and treats her as his own. If you donr like that then you should have called time a long time ago.

WeWereInParis · 02/04/2023 11:49

I just don’t agree with the total authoritative style of parenting and wont allow any of our kids to be parented this way not just my daughter.

That's a slightly different issue then, as you also disagree with how he parents the children you share (if I've understood that right?). That should be what you address. I think the fact he's also a step parent is clouding the issue. I think you should address it about all the children, not address the situation with your eldest differently.

IWantToBeACat · 02/04/2023 11:51

He's either her dad or he isn't. If you consider him to be her dad, then his way might not be your way, but that doesn't mean he is wrong and you don't necessarily get to have the final say.

Original poster
Klunt · 02/04/2023 11:57

I completely understand he should be allowed to parent, that’s not the issue. I just don’t like they WAY he parents.

OP posts:
L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 11:59

YANBU OP.
It’s more that you’ve both agreed on a certain parenting approach in regards to discipline and he’s not upholding what he agreed to with you. Personally, I think telling off a 4yr old until they have broken down crying is borderline abusive. Especially over something as mundane as a tidy room. I can understand that happening say if they’ve run into the road and almost been hit by a car that you’d tell them off forcefully enough for them to cry because it’s a scare and you’re terrified. But over an untidy room? At age 4? Which is an age, let’s be honest, that is too young to expect to tidy their room by themselves exactly how you want or when you want. At 4 it’s still a let’s tidy together age, not a go tidy your room young lady age.

Id be concerned that his childhood was actually abusive and his ‘slipping back’ is the cycle breaking through.

I think it is perfectly fair at next discussion to agree that no discipline is done at all without the two of you discussing it first. Obviously agreeing on general principles isn’t working, so perhaps a case by case basis as it happens.

Singularity82 · 02/04/2023 12:00

But he clearly doesn’t like the way YOU parent either. He’s told her off for not doing as she was asked, and she’s crying about it because she doesn’t like to be told off. Tough luck. She should have tidied her room then shouldn’t she? She’s 9, not a baby. You sound like a soft touch.
I agree with the first post in this thread; you can’t have it both ways. He’s her dad or he isn’t.

Original poster
Klunt · 02/04/2023 12:00

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 11:59

YANBU OP.
It’s more that you’ve both agreed on a certain parenting approach in regards to discipline and he’s not upholding what he agreed to with you. Personally, I think telling off a 4yr old until they have broken down crying is borderline abusive. Especially over something as mundane as a tidy room. I can understand that happening say if they’ve run into the road and almost been hit by a car that you’d tell them off forcefully enough for them to cry because it’s a scare and you’re terrified. But over an untidy room? At age 4? Which is an age, let’s be honest, that is too young to expect to tidy their room by themselves exactly how you want or when you want. At 4 it’s still a let’s tidy together age, not a go tidy your room young lady age.

Id be concerned that his childhood was actually abusive and his ‘slipping back’ is the cycle breaking through.

I think it is perfectly fair at next discussion to agree that no discipline is done at all without the two of you discussing it first. Obviously agreeing on general principles isn’t working, so perhaps a case by case basis as it happens.

She’s 9, she was 4 when we got together.

OP posts:
Singularity82 · 02/04/2023 12:01

@L3ThirtySeven I think you’ve misread the OP- her child is 9, not 4. The partner has been in her life since she was 4.

Original poster
Klunt · 02/04/2023 12:01

Singularity82 · 02/04/2023 12:00

But he clearly doesn’t like the way YOU parent either. He’s told her off for not doing as she was asked, and she’s crying about it because she doesn’t like to be told off. Tough luck. She should have tidied her room then shouldn’t she? She’s 9, not a baby. You sound like a soft touch.
I agree with the first post in this thread; you can’t have it both ways. He’s her dad or he isn’t.

She was tidying her room. She bought some stuff downstairs to put away and asked if she could have a quick yoghurt because she was hungry. I said yes because I didn’t see the issue with her stopping for a quick snack while she was tidying.

OP posts:
Testina · 02/04/2023 12:02

Your child, your decision. I do have some sympathy with the view that if you’re going to call him daddy, he doesn’t at least get to give an opinion.
There’s been a stepfather in mine’s lives for 7 years now, primary into secondary ages. He has NEVER disciplined either. Not his place. If he doesn’t like the way I run things he can move out 🤷🏻‍♀️ though he’s actually fine. He’d parent differently personally - but he doesn’t think I’m wrong.

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 12:04

Singularity82 · 02/04/2023 12:01

@L3ThirtySeven I think you’ve misread the OP- her child is 9, not 4. The partner has been in her life since she was 4.

I did misread. Sorry.

WandaWonder · 02/04/2023 12:04

If a child lives in a house with adults then surley all the adults have the right?

Sure there is difference in between 'the child did not put the milk on the correct shelf' and 'the child threw the remote at the tv and it broke'

If I could not trust a partner to handle a situation with a child then what is the point in being together?

TomatoFrog · 02/04/2023 12:05

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2023 12:06

Your phrasing is very telling. You let her call him dad but think it’s up to you to “allow” him to parent her and only as you see fit.

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 12:06

Klunt · 02/04/2023 12:01

She was tidying her room. She bought some stuff downstairs to put away and asked if she could have a quick yoghurt because she was hungry. I said yes because I didn’t see the issue with her stopping for a quick snack while she was tidying.

Show quote history

Well now I understand she is 9.
So actually he was undermining your parenting by saying no to a snack break that you had already said yes to? That’s not on at all. And why’d he take that out on your DD such that she’s crying? He shouldn’t be over-ruling you.

SiobhanSharpe · 02/04/2023 12:07

I think the issue is that he agrees with you on the best way to parent your children n theory but in practice he doesn't carry it through.
Given that he is breaking your agreement then i think you're right to call him on it.

Testina · 02/04/2023 12:07

So what did he actually tell her off for?

  • stopping for a yoghurt for genuine hunger
  • stopping for a yoghurt because she was pissing about delaying
  • stopping altogether because he mistakenly thought the yoghurt break was her packing in the tidying entirely?

Btw my daughter’s stepfather has never been in her room. Maybe once to help me build a wardrobe! That’s her room, much as he adores her and is a massive part of her life, he’s not her dad - so her room is out of bounds to him. How tidy I expect it to be is between her and me. If she left something in the hallway for people to trip over I wouldn’t mind him pointing that out - but her room is nothing to do with him. No compromise of parenting styles - mine is the one that counts.

CornishTiger · 02/04/2023 12:10

Hey @Klunt I think you are confusing two different parenting styles.

https://huckleberrycare.com/blog/authoritative-vs-authoritarian-parenting-styles

Have a look and talk to him again. You might find Siguels book parenting from the inside out helpful at unpicking his childhood and moving forward. However if he’s not prepared to do the work then it might be best to separate.

Authoritative vs authoritarian parenting styles

Parenting styles have changed a lot over the years, and thanks to research, we now know what parenting styles work best over time. In this article, we'll go over authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles, pros and cons, and child development.

https://huckleberrycare.com/blog/authoritative-vs-authoritarian-parenting-styles

toastofthetown · 02/04/2023 12:10

You say you won’t allow him to parent in the way he does, but you also acknowledge that he always returns to the authoritative parenting style regardless.

Tomkirkman · 02/04/2023 12:11

Klunt · 02/04/2023 11:57

I completely understand he should be allowed to parent, that’s not the issue. I just don’t like they WAY he parents.

Right so this isn’t about him being a step parent as you present it.

He is either her dad or not her dad. If you consider him to be her dad you don’t get the final say just because.

its also not helpful to compare situations. My dp is not my sons dad. My son has a dad. They have a good relationship and if my son is doing something he should and dp is there he will tell him, his behaviour isn’t ok. He will ask him to tidy his room or put his pots away etc. General stuff. I have never had a problem with how Dp tells my son off, because when he has he has sat him down and talked to him, calmly. So comparing a situation like mine to yours doesn’t help you. The really large things like school, dp will talk it through with me when I ask and then the decision is mine.

What advice you need is where parents disagree in parenting style. Because you are both parents of all the kids. One doesn’t get the final say. Unfortunately when you have found yourself in a situation where you have never liked their parenting style, yet let them take the position of parent and had more children with them then options are limited. Because even splitting would only mean you could stop him seeing the child you are talking about. He will continue to parent shared children, the same way.

You seem to have kids with him, so I find it odd that you made this issue just about your daughter when you then say you don’t like how he parents any of the kids. It feels like you tried to make this a step parenting issue, as you thought you would be more likely to get people agreeing with you that you should always get the final say.

If you get the final say when it comes to your daughter. How will you handle it when it comes to other kids?