How much parenting do you allow your partner do?

[Klunt]

My husband isn’t the biological father of my eldest and I can’t help myself from getting so defensive when he disciplines her. He’s been in her life since she’s was 4, she’s now 9 and calls him daddy. He is every bit her dad as her real dad isn’t involved.

He is a lot more strict than I am, due to how he was parented. I’ve told him I don’t want our kids to be parented the way he was parented and he agrees but he sometimes slips back into what he knows and we end up arguing. We’ve had a huge argument this morning. I’ve had a lovely surprise planned for my daughter today and now she’s upstairs crying because he’s told her off for not tidying her room exactly when he asked her to. I think he’s being an arse called him out on it and he’s stormed off to work.

Aibu to think that actually I do get the final day in how my child is parented and that I’ve asked him plenty of times to leave things like discipline to me. I would rather them focus on just having a nice relationship.

The op has been very short sighted. If she makes this about the dad not really being dad, she won't be able to pull rank like this with the next child which will mean two different types of upbringing going on in the same house - deeply damaging to both children.

Or, just put the existing child first and don't put a child who has already endured family breakup, then a step parent, through the additional upheaval and trauma of inflicting half siblings on her when she's at a critical age and should be her mother's priority. Crazy idea I know, to centre the child's needs over the adults' wants. But perhaps people should consider it.

OP can then focus on parenting her child with consistent boundaries so the child isn't so confused and distressed, while her boyfriend minds his own business because he is not the child's parent and shouldn't be pretending to be or assuming the right to treat her as such when he has no such right and never will.

Actually I think it's irrelevant that he is her stepdad. You have both agreed on a style of parenting but he regularly disregards it and disciplines in a way that upsets you and your child. Ime this will keep happening because deep down he thinks you are too soft and his way gets results. A pp suggested a parenting book and if I was a betting woman I would wager a million pounds that he wouldn't read a parenting book or attend a parenting course.

No he wouldn’t. I’m considering leaving him tbh which hurts because in every other way he’s fantastic but he just won’t budge on this and he won’t talk to me about anything.

No he wouldn’t. I’m considering leaving him tbh which hurts because in every other way he’s fantastic but he just won’t budge on this and he won’t talk to me about anything.

He doesn't get to decide whether to "budge on this". She is your daughter. You say this is how she is being parented, then that is what happens. The audacity of him undermining your parenting. She is not his child! Why are you tolerating this?

You've already told him several times to stop, you say he won't listen and reverts back to this even when you tell him why it's inappropriate. You say he would never bother to research or learn about child development or psychology even if you bought the books for them and handed them to him! He's ignored the boundaries you set, about jow he treats your child. Obviously that's unacceptable.^
^
It will be very confusing for her to have such inconsistent parenting, and particularly when one of the people should not even be assuming to take that role^^ because he is not her parent. Of course you should leave him. I am not someone who advocates breaking up relationships lightly but he is not respecting you or how you choose to raise your child, he is giving her inconsistent and confusing messages, he is ignoring boundaries and disrespecting you and her. It's obvious that behaviour is utterly unacceptable. Teenage years fast approaching for her and those are hard enough without her having to endure this. Put her first OP.

I would never allow a man who is not related to my children to parent them, which I understand is completely my issue, but I own it
and chose to remain single as my kids were growing up because of it. You, on the other hand chose to bring another man into your child’s life when she was very young, allowed her to call him ‘daddy’ and no doubt encouraged a strong bond between the two of them. You can’t therefore not let him have some say in the upbringing of your DD, not when he has to live with her. If the two of you don’t learn to work as a team sharpish, your situation will only get worse as your DD gets older and learns to manipulate you both and pushes boundaries more. Sorry but I don’t hold out much hope for your relationship at all.

Does he often create issues and drama on days you have something nice planned? If so, it's bigger than a parenting issue.

No not at all. He’s just really uptight about little things that I really don’t think are a big deal and it creates a lot of stress for my daughter, and in turn me. We’ve tried to talk about it tonight but because he can’t handle emotions or how to open up about feelings it’s ended up in the conversation being shut down and he’s now sat in the dark downstairs crying and I’m upstairs with the baby.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, or thats its a step parent issue on this particular thing

For me the issue is that she asked you permisson to do something, you gave it and now hes yelled at her for it.

So he's basically not allowing you to parent full stop if it goes against his ideas. So the issue is not that you should have the final say because you are the biological parent. Its that he's demanding the final say regardless of your input.

I think if you can't fix this leaving him is realistically the best option.

He’s just really uptight about little things that I really don’t think are a big deal and it creates a lot of stress for my daughter

If they are creating a lot of stress for your daughter then they should be a big deal to you.

She had no choice about whether you had a relationship with this man, or he lived in her home. You admit his behaviour is making her life stressful. You have asked him to stop this behaviour, repeatedly. He hasn't. And clearly won't. You said this: he won't listen, reverts to type soon after a discussion about it and wouldn't engage with learning about why it is damaging behaviour.

So the choice you have now is do you prioritise him, or your daughter.

He’s not just ‘mum’s boyfriend.’ He is the father to her younger siblings and has lived with her for over half her life.

And she isn’t expecting him to just ‘pay and do the fun stuff.’ She simply expects him not to shout at her for small things. That is not an unreasonable expectation.

He may have still shouted at her and therefore it wouldn't have solved THAT issue but it would have made it a hell of a lot easier or more reasonable for OP to now say 'my child, my say' and tell him to keep out of disciplining.

The fact that OP has allowed this man to become her daughter's dad in every way except legally on a piece of paper is what has now muddied the waters and created part of this awkward situation because she now has to essentially tell him that she wants him to be her dad when it suits but not really because she's HER daughter and not his.

You can 100% disagree with his parenting. That's not the unreasonable part. The unreasonable part is saying 'hes her dad in every way she calls him daddy and I want him to be her dad' and then in the next breath saying 'get final say because she's MY daughter and not his'. Which is it? That is confusing and unfair for everyone involved.

And you can bet your last pound OP wouldn't be happy with that set up in other ways. Maybe from now on she can pay more towards the household to cover HER daughters expenses, holidays, Christmas presents, she can be the only one ever taking her to school or appointments, hobbies, don't expect him to be as interested as he is with HIS kids. No? Wouldn't like that because he's her daddy? Which is it?

If he's not really her daddy 'in every way' like OP said then it was stupid and unreasonable to allow this situation.

I don't think anyone (or at least most) are saying it's an unreasonable expectation and I think OP has every right to disagree with him shouting at DD and to talk to him about it.

But I think her reasoning in her OP was shitty. If she really goes in with 'you're her dad in every way and I want you to be her dad but she's MY daughter not yours so I expect to get final say in everything and I'll only allow you to do the amount or type of parenting I want you to' then I think he'd have every right to question the whole 'you're her dad in every way'.

It's not about disagreeing, that's not what makes OP unreasonable. It's the pretence of wanting him to be a dad but when I don't like it I'll use the 'but you're not really her dad' card to get my own way.

Honestly how would OP feel if whenever her husband didn't want to do something for HER DD he just said 'but I'm not really her dad, she's YOUR responsibility not mine'. She wouldn't, I imagine.

Drop the reasoning of her not being his child, you've allowed him to essentially become her dad so using that now is unreasonable. But absolutely talk to him about the way you disagree with his parenting. That is not unreasonable.

This is really messy. You can’t have different parenting rules for different children in the same house. You have to agree a parenting style .
You can’t have it both ways . If you don’t allow him to parent he isn’t her dad ‘ in every way’ .
For what it’s worth, my view is that the parent is in charge and we have the final say ( but are reasonable). I wouldn’t let my children stop tidying to snack by the way - they would have been told to finish their room first.

I wonder if you see the unit as you and your daughter with your partner as the newcomer. Do you allow her to behave as a mini adult?

I think the bottom line is that if you don’t like how he is with any of your kids you need to separate. This won’t change.

If he's crying, that's very sad indeed. I think your first step is to appreciate the fact that your husband is a disciplined individual. He's scared you are going to end the relationship over this. As a child educator, I can tell you with certainty, the disciplined children are far easier to teach and much more fun to be around. He didn't smack your daughter; he just wants a standard of behaviour closer to the parade ground than to the mess hall. Your daughter will gain from this in a million ways.

I am a disciplined individual and people always appreciate this quality. For instance, if I say I will be somewhere, I will be there on time regardless how I feel. That's worth a lot these days when people cancel on the cellphone at the last possible moment. Obviously, parents should correct with kindness, but correct they must. The more disciplined you are, the better life goes, the more successful you are. Feelings aren't nearly as important as what you accomplish. Feelings change all the time.

The second step is you have to look at your past. Do you feel like your husband is actually punishing you when he punishes your daughter? One day your daughter will be on her own and she will be able to stop for yoghurt whenever she wants. Do you want to still be at your husband's side at that time? Remember, she will probably leave your house in about nine years; you want to keep your husband. Just make sure nothing he does heads into the abusive category. But insisting on something is a good thing. I wish more parents did.

The child is cleaning her room as requested. The child stops for a snack in between times, and dad steps in with his big size 50 shoes and makes the child cry.
That's not discipline, it's being a twat.
I've been here and bought the t-shirt, it's a clash of styles, the dad should take on board what the op is saying, not the other way around.
I've heard all the claptrap from my ex about my kids will amount to nothing, I should adopt her management style of parenting. In the end, she became overbearing, hence why I'm moving on.
As for the kids, one is in line for straight 9 GCSE results and the other is ready educationally to begin senior school despite not starting her last primary yr. They're polite, functional, and smartly dressed. Yes on occasion their room is untidy. However, they don't stand patiently waiting in line to ask for a bloody apple as I did.

I don’t think you are unreasonable. He makes promises he has no intention of keeping and you are in danger of overcompensating which isn’t good either. I think it’s time to unpick your past traumas with professional support. You can’t go on like this, it’s a very damaging environment for your children.

So... he gave her an instruction, she didn't want to do it and came to you to deploy a delay tactic and in turn you fell for it, undermined him and he got cross?

Markasread, I never said discipline in all its forms is wrong, but in this case the dh is misusing it. Making a 9 year old cry because of a messy bedroom is just unpleasant, life is too short, I have never done that to any of my kids, there are other methods

Mumma, instruction? More like 'orders must be obeyed', in his world

True , I mean how long could it take to tidy a 9 year olds room , where she needs a hunger break . Unless it looked like a hurricane hit it .

They are all "existing children". What a ridiculous thing to say at this point in time.

the issue here isn’t that she wasn’t going the task but that she wasn’t doing it in the way he wanted in the timeframe he wanted.

How much do things need to be done in his way? Being disciplined is fine but I think he is heading 8th being abusive by his behaviour especially if it causes her stress

I think it’s a mistake to frame this as a step parenting question. It’s more to do with an unacceptable approach to children and child rearing- he seems to have a sort of military approach which is just plain wrong in my eyes, and not a question of “different styles”. I’d be wondering about whether some counselling would help him, to get over his own awful childhood.

Thankyou for all the advice. I feel horrendous. He is so upset. I’m going to spend the afternoon with the kids making him some pictures and cards to remind him we all love him very much.