Page 4 | How much parenting do you allow your partner do?

Klunt · 2023-04-02T10:30:25+00:00

My husband isn’t the biological father of my eldest and I can’t help myself from getting so defensive when he disciplines her. He’s been in her life since she’s was 4, she’s now 9 and calls him daddy. He is every bit her dad as her real dad isn’t involved. He is a lot more strict than I am, due to how he was parented. I’ve told him I don’t want our kids to be parented the way he was parented and he agrees but he sometimes slips back into what he knows and we end up arguing. We’ve had a huge argument this morning. I’ve had a lovely surprise planned for my daughter today and now she’s upstairs crying because he’s told her off for not tidying her room exactly when he asked her to. I think he’s being an arse called him out on it and he’s stormed off to work. Aibu to think that actually I do get the final day in how my child is parented and that I’ve asked him plenty of times to leave things like discipline to me. I would rather them focus on just having a nice relationship.

WeWereInParis · 02/04/2023 20:49

This isn't about him being a step parent, and you shouldn't make it "my child my rules" because you have younger children with him. If his approach needs to change, then try to change it, but you can't just stop him being involved in disciplining your eldest and think that will work long term with your younger children.

I'm not saying you're wrong in your opinion of his parenting, but when your younger children get older you can't use "my child my rules" because they are his.

Dontbelieveaword · 02/04/2023 20:51

Of course you had a choice in whether she called him dad or not. But you do.want him to be dad?
Do you even realise how contradictory your comments are?
Does your DH know you don't want her calling him dad?

Markasread · 02/04/2023 20:53

I think it's really sad that you were the one who made this dad daughter relationship happen when you weren't actually happy with it going ahead. That seems the height of selfishness. Either he's an appropriate dad or he isn't. If not you shouldn't have him in the house and have him fathering your next child. Surely any mum would be delighted her otherwise fatherless first born has ended up with a dad. And if not, what on earth are you playing at putting them together.

Sainsburysbunny · 02/04/2023 20:53

For goodness sake people. Just because she's allowed the child to call him her daddy doesn't mean he suddenly has a divine right to parent with equal impetus. He is NOT the child's dad. He has stepped into the role of the dad. He is a pretend dad.
Unless he legally adopts the child and gets lawful Parental Responsibility, what the child's REAL PARENT says goes. Obviously there are cases, for example of people on this thread, where having a new-partner takes on the parenting role and this works. This is NOT the case for OP who is finding there are conflicting parenting styles between herself and this man. Her reality is that he does not want to parent her child in the way she does, and is not respecting her wishes on this matter when they have been clearly communicated.

Markasread · 02/04/2023 20:57

Sainsburysbunny · 02/04/2023 20:53

For goodness sake people. Just because she's allowed the child to call him her daddy doesn't mean he suddenly has a divine right to parent with equal impetus. He is NOT the child's dad. He has stepped into the role of the dad. He is a pretend dad.
Unless he legally adopts the child and gets lawful Parental Responsibility, what the child's REAL PARENT says goes. Obviously there are cases, for example of people on this thread, where having a new-partner takes on the parenting role and this works. This is NOT the case for OP who is finding there are conflicting parenting styles between herself and this man. Her reality is that he does not want to parent her child in the way she does, and is not respecting her wishes on this matter when they have been clearly communicated.

He is clearly not a pretend dad in his mind or the child's mind. That is hugely important to the child - in fact it's everything short of a custody issue following divorce. To set him up as dad and then start putting limitations on it is just playing games. To the child, he is the father. And to him, clearly, she's his daughter. You pick away at that and you're undermining something key to the child's sense of security. In all likelihood you'll also end up with an alienated father. There's only so much you can ask.

Markasread · 02/04/2023 20:58

Try explaining parental responsibility to an under twelve! It doesn't matter a hill of beans in real terms in their home tonight

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/04/2023 21:08

I think you are being unfair to both your partner and your eldest.

It's either a father child relationship or it's not.

You can't be a dad and just have a 'nice relationship'

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2023 21:08

Of course you had a choice, don’t be so passive. Loads of step parents have had a child call them mum or dad and gently corrected them. You can have a loving meaningful relationship with a step child without pretending you’re their mother or father.

As the actual parent it was on you to manage the situation in an age appropriate way - “DD Dave isn’t your dad, he loves you very much but he’s your step dad and you can call him Dave”. Clear and appropriate and avoids awkward dynamics like the one you find yourself in.

It’s done now and you all have to live with the consequences. Working out what you want, think is fair, works for everyone needs to happen now. If you think it’s stressful with a 9 year old and younger shared children it’ll only get much more complicated over time.

Original poster

Klunt · 02/04/2023 21:13

I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m just really struggling.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 02/04/2023 21:15

Sainsburysbunny · 02/04/2023 20:53

For goodness sake people. Just because she's allowed the child to call him her daddy doesn't mean he suddenly has a divine right to parent with equal impetus. He is NOT the child's dad. He has stepped into the role of the dad. He is a pretend dad.
Unless he legally adopts the child and gets lawful Parental Responsibility, what the child's REAL PARENT says goes. Obviously there are cases, for example of people on this thread, where having a new-partner takes on the parenting role and this works. This is NOT the case for OP who is finding there are conflicting parenting styles between herself and this man. Her reality is that he does not want to parent her child in the way she does, and is not respecting her wishes on this matter when they have been clearly communicated.

You cannot just expect someone to be ok with that, and frankly it's a shitty deal. If you expect someone to treat and view your child as their own and then have to defer to you as the "real parent", you have to get them to sign up for that.

Kanaloa · 02/04/2023 21:17

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2023 21:08

Of course you had a choice, don’t be so passive. Loads of step parents have had a child call them mum or dad and gently corrected them. You can have a loving meaningful relationship with a step child without pretending you’re their mother or father.

As the actual parent it was on you to manage the situation in an age appropriate way - “DD Dave isn’t your dad, he loves you very much but he’s your step dad and you can call him Dave”. Clear and appropriate and avoids awkward dynamics like the one you find yourself in.

It’s done now and you all have to live with the consequences. Working out what you want, think is fair, works for everyone needs to happen now. If you think it’s stressful with a 9 year old and younger shared children it’ll only get much more complicated over time.

I don’t think it’s so wrong in a case like op for the kids to call stepdad dad. I mean, many adopted children call their adoptive parents mum/dad. It’s a similar situation - this child has no father in her life and a man has acted as her father ever since she can remember. It’s not crazy that she should be allowed to call him dad if she wants to do so.

And I presume ‘Dave’ would still have shouted at her, so it doesn’t actually solve op’s problem unless you’re suggesting she enforces a completely separate life where he is not permitted to talk to the child other than as a friendly house neighbour. Not calling him dad would not have ‘prevented this awkward situation’ because the situation is ‘my partner shouts at the kids and I don’t really like that.’

Devoutspoken · 02/04/2023 21:17

What part of being a 'real dad' means you have to be a disciplinary twat

Confusion101 · 02/04/2023 21:18

When you say ye sit down and agree how to parent, is it a discussion and compromise or just you saying this is how you want it done?

WheelsUp · 02/04/2023 21:19

I respect your honesty OP.
Difference in parenting styles is a common problem on here and I don't know what the answer is. Do you think that when your younger ones are 9 then you'll feel less sorry for them when they are disciplined because he's their father rather than stepfather?

I know it's not the point of your post but it's a shame that she couldn't tell her father than she went down because something in her room belongs downstairs. Is she scared of him ?

Dontbelieveaword · 02/04/2023 21:20

As I've said previous posts, you're giving conflicting comments. Is it the way he parents your eldest or the way he parents all the children. If it's the latter, why are we only talking about his step-child who you've allowed to become a dad to and who you've allowed your DC to call dad? You've let him support you both, you've married him and gone onto have other children with him and said you want him to be a dad to your eldest. Are you saying you want him to be a dad as in he can financially provide for her but not have any say in her upbringing?

Original poster

Klunt · 02/04/2023 21:23

Confusion101 · 02/04/2023 21:18

When you say ye sit down and agree how to parent, is it a discussion and compromise or just you saying this is how you want it done?

We’ve discussed how we want to raise our kids. We both acknowledge things from our own childhoods that we don’t want to repeat, however he falls back into these ways and then claims he doesn’t know any different. It’s frustrating because I don’t want our kids to have the relationship with us that we have with our parents. That would break my heart.

OP posts:

Devoutspoken · 02/04/2023 21:40

Making any kid cry for not tidying their room is horrible

Confusion101 · 02/04/2023 21:41

OK in that case I think you need to separate your issues here.... Is it that he didn't follow what ye had agreed on or is it because it was your DD he spoke to? What I mean by that is if he had spoken to one of your shared children like that would your reaction be the same? Seems to be 2 different issues at hand!

Markasread · 02/04/2023 21:44

Devoutspoken · 02/04/2023 21:40

Making any kid cry for not tidying their room is horrible

No it's not. Any child can cry if they're asked to do something, they don't do it and they encounter a consequence. To be afraid to impose this because of generational trauma is not fair to the child. Permissive parenting does them no favours. However neither does parenting using fear. But if that's what I'd happening it has nothing to do with the biology.

The op has been very short sighted. If she makes this about the dad not really being dad, she won't be able to pull rank like this with the next child which will mean two different types of upbringing going on in the same house - deeply damaging to both children.

Op, can you read a book with your husband? How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk.

Markasread · 02/04/2023 21:45

Devoutspoken · 02/04/2023 21:17

What part of being a 'real dad' means you have to be a disciplinary twat

Discipline isn't necessarily bad. It's more that they don't seem to be able to come to an agreement and honour it.

Zuyi · 02/04/2023 21:54

YANBU! His way of parenting is toxic! Even he agrees, but he keeps doing it. That's very upsetting.

I don't see that you have a choice. You have to keep calling it, even if it pisses him off. What else can you do?

lv884 · 02/04/2023 22:11

JupiterFortified · 02/04/2023 11:35

I don’t think you can have it both ways OP.

On the one hand you’re saying “he is every bit her dad”.

On the other hand you’re saying “Aibu to think that actually I do get the final say in how my child is parented”.

She’s either his child or she’s not; you can’t just pick and choose. And this is why step parenting is the most thankless task in the world.

If you’re not on the same page re discipline then you need to sit down and talk about it properly, not pull the “well I’m the real parent” card.

Totally agree with this.

Parenting has its ups and downs - it goes without saying. It’s unreasonable to ask that he just does the nice stuff, especially if she calls him Dad. Boundaries are a big part of having a great relationship built on trust and mutual respect. If he was just good cop, their relationship might deteriorate when boundaries are pushed, especially during and as adolescence approaches.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2023 23:50

Kanaloa · 02/04/2023 21:17

I don’t think it’s so wrong in a case like op for the kids to call stepdad dad. I mean, many adopted children call their adoptive parents mum/dad. It’s a similar situation - this child has no father in her life and a man has acted as her father ever since she can remember. It’s not crazy that she should be allowed to call him dad if she wants to do so.

And I presume ‘Dave’ would still have shouted at her, so it doesn’t actually solve op’s problem unless you’re suggesting she enforces a completely separate life where he is not permitted to talk to the child other than as a friendly house neighbour. Not calling him dad would not have ‘prevented this awkward situation’ because the situation is ‘my partner shouts at the kids and I don’t really like that.’

Show quote history

Step parenting and adopting are completely different things. Its really unhelpful to conflate them and hugely unfair to adopted children and parents.

The DP’s relationship with the DD is contingent on them being together.

If her DP adopts her DD then he is her dad, if they split up he’ll still have a right to see her.

As it stands he’s her mum’s boyfriend and if they split up OP can decide he’ll never see the DD again. It happens all the time. It’s his risk to treat her like his own if that’s what he’s doing. OP is the one holding all the cards and while it suits her her DP can treat her DD like his own - presumably paying for her and doing the fun stuff - but when it doesn’t she pulls rank and expects to be the only real parent.

Murthurnmarnepiter · 03/04/2023 00:05

The exact circumstances of the disagreemenrs are irrelevant tbh.

He is not her father. He never will be.

He should not be parenting her: that is your job.

Stop involving him in parenting her. Why have you put him and her in this position? There's no need for this at all.

neilyoungismyhero · 03/04/2023 00:10

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 11:59

YANBU OP.
It’s more that you’ve both agreed on a certain parenting approach in regards to discipline and he’s not upholding what he agreed to with you. Personally, I think telling off a 4yr old until they have broken down crying is borderline abusive. Especially over something as mundane as a tidy room. I can understand that happening say if they’ve run into the road and almost been hit by a car that you’d tell them off forcefully enough for them to cry because it’s a scare and you’re terrified. But over an untidy room? At age 4? Which is an age, let’s be honest, that is too young to expect to tidy their room by themselves exactly how you want or when you want. At 4 it’s still a let’s tidy together age, not a go tidy your room young lady age.

Id be concerned that his childhood was actually abusive and his ‘slipping back’ is the cycle breaking through.

I think it is perfectly fair at next discussion to agree that no discipline is done at all without the two of you discussing it first. Obviously agreeing on general principles isn’t working, so perhaps a case by case basis as it happens.

The child is 9 now.