How much parenting do you allow your partner do?

[Klunt]

My husband isn’t the biological father of my eldest and I can’t help myself from getting so defensive when he disciplines her. He’s been in her life since she’s was 4, she’s now 9 and calls him daddy. He is every bit her dad as her real dad isn’t involved.

He is a lot more strict than I am, due to how he was parented. I’ve told him I don’t want our kids to be parented the way he was parented and he agrees but he sometimes slips back into what he knows and we end up arguing. We’ve had a huge argument this morning. I’ve had a lovely surprise planned for my daughter today and now she’s upstairs crying because he’s told her off for not tidying her room exactly when he asked her to. I think he’s being an arse called him out on it and he’s stormed off to work.

Aibu to think that actually I do get the final day in how my child is parented and that I’ve asked him plenty of times to leave things like discipline to me. I would rather them focus on just having a nice relationship.

Hmmmm it's a bit messy as he isn't her biological dad, but she calls him daddy and is "every bit her dad". If he was her biological dad, you would have to discuss it, but if you couldn't agree and split or something, he would then be parenting her on his own on contact days. If you split with your partner, would he still be her daddy or do you think he'd lose interest? Sorry that sounds really negative but I know a few blended families irl where they've split and "dad" has lost interest. Not always the case obviously which is why I'm asking.

If you don't think he'd be in your life except that you're a couple, then you definitely get the final say and I would not have her call him daddy either if it could be helped.

@WandaWonder “If a child lives in a house with adults then surley all the adults have the right?”

No. That assumes that there’s a single right way that all adults can apply. If a child is playing music ridiculously loud then sure - any adult can tell them to turn it down. But how tidy a room should be and when to tidy it? There’s no one way.

When my stepchildren were small (before I met their dad) they had to tidy their rooms every Saturday and pocket money doled out dependent on it. Which is fine, but it’s not my way. I don’t like to tie money and chores together - in my house, you live here, you do chores. And I prefer to have let my children tidy in their own time. They don’t feel like it on Sat? Fine, Sun will do. So no - another adult doesn’t get to dictate their desire for Sat.

When there is a difference in parenting opinion, the actual parent gets the veto.

If you really think that you get final say as biological parent then you shouldn't have allowed her to call him daddy as if he were an equal parent. The approach of he's a parent as long as you agree with him is not fair on him or her. It could bite you in the arse if she (and the kids you have with him) work out that they can use this against him.
Has he ever said that you were too soft as a parent ?
With regards to the yoghurt, did he assume she'd snuck out her room or was using yoghurt as a tactic to delay cleaning of her room ? This is the sort of thing that my kids might have done so apologies if she's not the type to do that. If mine needed a snack through hunger I would have offered something more filling than yoghurt. (I know that the yoghurt is not the point of your post)

I think some people are confusing what’s happening here though.

Some people are saying that in their house the “actual parent” gets the final say (ie they can overrule the step parent). That’s the rule that has been established in those households.

But OP has made it clear that both her and daughter consider step dad to be “dad”. So it’s as if he’s the “actual dad” when it suits OP…..but he’s not the “actual dad” when OP doesn’t agree with his parenting style. I feel like he can’t win.

He’s been in her life since she’s was 4, she’s now 9 and calls him daddy. He is every bit her dad as her real dad isn’t involved.

Aibu to think that actually I do get the final day in how my child is parented

These two statements are contradictory. Decide which you want and proceed on that basis; anything else is confusing for your DD apart from anything else (and certainly isn’t fair on your DH). But - as others have said upthread - you really can’t have it both ways as and when it suits you.

Agree with the comments about having it both ways - as a step parent I have to say this really pisses me off.

I have sympathy for the actual disagreement you are having regarding discipline - I butt heads with my DP on similar issues with our shared child. But you need to separate that from the "he's not her dad" argument specifically about the eldest, or if you don't want to do that and want to play that card, then expect less of him in regards to her. Don't expect him to act like dad.

You need to choose which path you want to go down.

I worked for CAHMS - one of the most common reasons for behavioural problems and anxiety in children is the presence of differing views on parenting (especially discipline) between their caregivers/parents. It creates uncertainty and opportunities to play one parent off against the other. It is confusing and quite scary to a young child - how to know what is right and what is wrong? How to know when a sanction is about to descend, apparently at random?

It is also important that parents make it a rule to try and get inside their child's head in order to grasp what are reasonable and what are unreasonable demands. Expecting too much of a child for their age is a big problem.

You and your partner must sit down and come to a mutual decision about both your boundaries - you might have to give a bit (I know it is hard as she is your child) and he might have to give a bit. You have to choose whether you want this man to truly co-parent, or whether you wish to have total say over how your DD is brought up. I am sure you can see how hard it is for him - on the one hand you want him to be her Dad, but on the other you want to be the arbiter of exactly how she is brought up. He can't do/be both. This can only be solved by communication.

It is very important indeed that the two of you back each other's decisions up in front of the child (unless there is abuse of course) and discuss your differences over the handling of any incident in private. And never never ever criticise your OH's parenting privately to your DD. She needs security and clarity - she needs to know that you are a team, both with her best interests at heart.

This can be a problem between 2 biological parents, but where one is a step parent it is brought into sharper focus.

Have that discussion with your partner but not in an accusatory way - and be prepared to listen and be flexible.

If I'm reading this right, you also have other, younger children with your partner?

If so, you can't really tell him that he has to treat your DD differently to how he treats your shared DC. You disagree with his parenting he clearly disagrees with yours too - so you need to try and meet somewhere in the middle.

Ultimately you can't control how he parents and if you're not happy, the answer is to leave him - but of course that won't stop him treating your shared DC in a way that you dislike.

I agree with PP who said you've invited him into your life, encouraged a father/daughter relationship with your eldest, but you also don't want him acting like a parent. You really can't have it both ways - it's not fair on either of them and just makes things confusing.

Either you want him taking on the "father" role, or you don't - but if you don't, you probably shouldn't have gone on to have more children with him, especially given that he's the only father figure your DD has.

The way to think about it OP is that even if he were the biological Dad you'd still be having the same argument. Many parents do. My sister and her DH are the exact same - both biological parents but wildly different parenting styles.

So it approach it from that angle rather than the - but you're not her biological Dad angle.

He's raising her - she calls him Daddy - give up the biological side and just focus on reaching a united parenting style.

Dh and I have similar views on parenting. But if one goes too far, we call each other out. I do not agree on United front parenting albeit it is sometimes needed.

In this case, he undermined you. He sounds authoritarian and it’s fine to remind him he’s gone to far. However, as your dd calls him dad, I think he should be able to have a say on certain things with your dd.

If you don't like the way he parents why did you
A) blend families
B) have more children with him

Decide which you want and proceed on that basis; anything else is confusing for your DD apart from anything else (and certainly isn’t fair on your DH). But - as others have said upthread - you really can’t have it both ways as and when it suits you.
This. The having cake and eating it scenario is why I think step parenting is a difficult job.
They're too often expected to be the mother/father figure, treat them as their own, bend over backwards but then have the "but you're not their real mum/dad so back off, I'm their actual parent" card thrown at them.

The OP has an issue because there's two very different approaches to parenting so regardless of the children's biology, they're being raised in a household with insecure boundaries and uncertain expectations.

This isn't about your DD not being your partner's biological child so don't make it into that.

It's about partner having a different parenting style and not adapting despite conversations to get on the same page. It may be that he doesn't know what else to try. Or has an anger program. Counselling, a parenting course you do together - anything but pulling rank in someone who has adopted your DD as his own. That must be very distancing.

The word "allow" in the post title is very telling.

YANBU as long as both of you are being reasonable about the situation. In this case, she stopped for a yoghurt. He should have said, why have you stopped, you say I said she could have a yoghurt and he should say OK, but straight back to it after.

If he has disciplined her for having a yoghurt after you said it was ok, then that is 100% not fair on the child.

I grew up with a father where you were expected to obey his every command and it is not nice. He was a misogynistic Victorian dictator. I vowed not to parent my child the same way. I have zero respect for him now, whereas my and my DD are close.

The step parent does need to be able to discipline the child, but you should 100% be agreed on how this is done.

He can’t be her Dad and not be able to discipline her.

I’m sure she’d rather have a Dad.

You just have to work out a compromise - it sounds like he is the biological father of your younger one/s - if so, you are shortly going to have the same problem, so may as well get in the practice now, and you also don’t want your elder one to feel like she’s less of a concern to him.

I can see it’s frustrating / annoying / upsetting at times, but any co-parenting can be like this. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing.

I don’t think the hun not being her biological dad is an issue between them, I think it’s MY issue. I get really defensive when he disciplines her where as I don’t think I would with our shared children. I had a really awful step parent and I think it’s just triggers me when he tell her off and really upsets me. It’s me projecting I k ow it is.

You need to get to grips with this, then. It isn't fair for you to have sought out a relationship otherwise.

To be fair though it wasn’t an issue before hand because she was only little. Now she’s a bit older the discipline is a bit different a bit more harsh and I don’t like it. She’s not a bad kid at all just a bit slow at sometimes.

Agreed.

One of the reasons ex and I are parting is her overarching nit picking discipline. Do this, do that. Routine this routine that.

In the ops case it's a bloody yogurt. He should keep his beak out and not be so pedantic.
Childhood is meant to be enjoyable not an endless list of controlling rules and regulations.
Some step parents are too strict.

I'd be fuming! She's your daughter, not his.

Well my husband isn’t bio dad to my elder two kids, but is to my younger kids. He parents as much as I do. But then we agree mostly on parenting style etc, so it doesn’t cause conflict. I think it would depend on how everything actually went down. If DH told one of the kids to go tidy their messy room and they didn’t do so, then he said ‘come on, I’ve asked you to tidy your room so go and do it’ and they burst out crying and whining at age 9 I’d pretty much back him up because that’s ridiculous. If he shouted at them or something that wouldn’t be acceptable because it isn’t acceptable in our house.

And as for having a ‘quick yoghurt’ when she’d been asked to do something I probably would tell mine to go and do what they’d been told first. But I can see where you’re coming from. The issue for me would be, if I told DH I didn’t want him to discipline my kids then to me he wouldn’t be ‘every bit their dad.’ I couldn’t leave them alone with him, trust him to parent properly etc if he couldn’t ever actually parent them. So to me it still depends on how he actually reacted/if he was unduly harsh and unkind or if he was just stern and asked her to do as she was told.