Is this detrimental to my kids?

bellsbuss · 02/04/2023 00:00

Everyone is different , I personally would go batshit crazy if I didn't have time away from my children. Also DH and I like time just the 2 of us or with other couples , I like to see my friends as does he. My children love staying over at Granny's and she loves having them.

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 00:00

Not having been away from them overnight, I kind of get. However, you’ve never gone out for an evening without your kids? In eight years? No dinners? Parties? Weddings? The cinema? You and your DH/DP have done nothing as a couple in the evening for almost a decade?!

You don’t feel this has been detrimental to your relationship?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/04/2023 00:03

I think it’s each to their own.

mine have spent overnights with grandparents and aunts/uncles since young and I think they benefit from it.

But I don’t think my way is the only way so if you and yours are happy.

The only thing I’d question is the fact you say they’d be “sad” if you left them - why do you think that?

SpinningFloppa · 02/04/2023 00:05

If you’re happy then I don’t see the problem? I’m a lone parent so I never get a night away from mine as family won’t have them and their father isn’t involved. Not a choice I would have made but I don’t see why it would negatively affect them 🤔 wouldn’t leave them with babysitters personally would rather not go out.

Meandfour · 02/04/2023 00:07

Each to their own. I don’t think it’s detrimental to your children at all and if it’s works for you as a family then there’s no harm.

Botw1 · 02/04/2023 00:08

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Beaglesonlyplease · 02/04/2023 00:09

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potentialmediator · 02/04/2023 00:10

Don't think it's a big deal. I haven't had many nights away from my kids unless my husband is there for them (nearly 7 and 4 yo). But a few sleepovers with friends (my eldest), me and my DH having 1 night away together a few times, a "sleepover" at a family members once.. they're all enriching things for everyone I think. I would encourage it

Meandfour · 02/04/2023 00:10

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 00:00

Not having been away from them overnight, I kind of get. However, you’ve never gone out for an evening without your kids? In eight years? No dinners? Parties? Weddings? The cinema? You and your DH/DP have done nothing as a couple in the evening for almost a decade?!

You don’t feel this has been detrimental to your relationship?

I grew up in the 90s as one of 4. We never stayed with grandparents / aunts & uncle over night. We stayed over individually with friends but obviously never all 4 of us at once. I remember it being a very big deal when my parents once went to a wedding in the evening alone and I would’ve been around 13 at the time so they must’ve not done “date night” for at least 13 years and they’ve got one of the strongest, happiest marriages I know. Still together and still madly in love and best friends after around 40 years together.

TidyDancer · 02/04/2023 00:10

All families are different but I would say this is quite unusual and might not be especially positive long term, either for the DCs or your relationship tbh.

Meandfour · 02/04/2023 00:11

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Why?

PinkSyCo · 02/04/2023 00:11

Very weird that you haven’t had one night out with your husband in 8 years! Doesn’t sound very healthy all round to be honest.

MrsDoylesDoily · 02/04/2023 00:11

They'd be pretty sad if we left them, so we haven't and we just haven't seen the need to.

This ^^ is because you've never left them to go out without them.

It's not weird that they haven't been away overnight, but it is a bit strange that you and your DH don't want to have a night out to yourselves, like you would've done before they were born.

Still as long as you're both happy, it doesn't matter does it?

AspiringMermaid · 02/04/2023 00:11

No I don't think it's weird or detrimental, they are still so little. My sil has a toddler and her DH told me he didn't spend a night away from his parents until he was 11, and that was only when his younger brother was born. He appreciates his upbringing and said he didn't see himself or sil spending time away from their DD (my mil overheard this and was appalled, 100% because she wanted to have the tot overnight lol)

Sounds like your household is a warm happy one with happy kids, if your bubbas don't want sleepovers elsewhere why change anything?

Meandfour · 02/04/2023 00:12

TidyDancer · 02/04/2023 00:10

All families are different but I would say this is quite unusual and might not be especially positive long term, either for the DCs or your relationship tbh.

Do you really think it’s unusual not all children have stayed overnight somewhere? Not everyone has families to make sleepovers possible.

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 00:13

Meandfour · 02/04/2023 00:10

I grew up in the 90s as one of 4. We never stayed with grandparents / aunts & uncle over night. We stayed over individually with friends but obviously never all 4 of us at once. I remember it being a very big deal when my parents once went to a wedding in the evening alone and I would’ve been around 13 at the time so they must’ve not done “date night” for at least 13 years and they’ve got one of the strongest, happiest marriages I know. Still together and still madly in love and best friends after around 40 years together.

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I’m glad it worked for your parents, but I don’t think that would be something most people would choose. I certainly couldn’t live like that.

Do you have a partner and kids? If so, do you and your partner also never go out as a couple?

MrsDoylesDoily · 02/04/2023 00:13

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You'd be surprised.

I know a few people who live, eat, shit and breathe their kids and have honestly never gone anywhere nice without them.

They'll turn down any invite that only involves adults and it's not because they can't get childcare.

I don't think it's particularly healthy for the adults or the kids to be honest, but each to their own.

Meandfour · 02/04/2023 00:16

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 00:13

I’m glad it worked for your parents, but I don’t think that would be something most people would choose. I certainly couldn’t live like that.

Do you have a partner and kids? If so, do you and your partner also never go out as a couple?

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I’m married with 4 DC. The baby has never slept out; he’s still tiny. My 3yo has stayed out twice at grandparents but my parents live close by and they come over to ours and sit with the children when we go out in the evening so we don’t really need them to sleepover anywhere.

So yes, we do go out but I don’t think it’s unusual not to. My brother and his wife have only left their children once and the eldest is 10. They too are very happy. They just do date nights at home. I know quite a few couples who do this now I think about it.

Aussierose2 · 02/04/2023 00:18

We live abroad no family around so our kids have never gone elsewhere overnight we have been for the odd date night though I don't think it's a negative thing whatever works for your family!

sleepylittlebunnies · 02/04/2023 00:22

If you and your DP are happy then I don’t see an issue with it. I’ve got 3DC, oldest is 16 and we’ve never had a night with all 3 of them away on the same night. DGP’s are pretty good and involved but have never wanted overnights. DC have been on school trips, cubs etc and sleepovers at friends. Just with 3 of them it’s never been on the same night.

We very rarely go out together in the evenings either, actually we probably could now without babysitters. DC1 is autistic and DC2 had sleep issues with very bad eczema so we just accepted it quite early on. We could arrange days off together in the week when they were at school if we wanted, but we always had evenings once they were all asleep and mornings now they’re teens 😆.

The only thing that used to make me feel bad was other people’s judgement of our relationship, so I just never mentioned it. Our marriage is strong though after 20 odd years. Don’t let others think you’re not doing parenting or marriage right.

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 00:23

Meandfour · 02/04/2023 00:16

I’m married with 4 DC. The baby has never slept out; he’s still tiny. My 3yo has stayed out twice at grandparents but my parents live close by and they come over to ours and sit with the children when we go out in the evening so we don’t really need them to sleepover anywhere.

So yes, we do go out but I don’t think it’s unusual not to. My brother and his wife have only left their children once and the eldest is 10. They too are very happy. They just do date nights at home. I know quite a few couples who do this now I think about it.

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My initial comment, to which you responded, began not having been away from them overnight, I kind of get. I don’t think not spending the night away from your kids/them not going on sleepovers is that unusual.

I’m asking specifically about going out as a couple. I think not doing that at all for almost a decade is extremely unusual and not a way I’d want to live. But, each to their own!

Meandfour · 02/04/2023 00:24

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 00:23

My initial comment, to which you responded, began not having been away from them overnight, I kind of get. I don’t think not spending the night away from your kids/them not going on sleepovers is that unusual.

I’m asking specifically about going out as a couple. I think not doing that at all for almost a decade is extremely unusual and not a way I’d want to live. But, each to their own!

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Absolutely; each to their own.

firsttimemum1230 · 02/04/2023 00:29

It literally is each to their own but I’ve not had a child free night in 4 months and I feel like I need one with her dad. It’s healthy I think for all involved. My daughter goes to childminders 3 days a week and spends a couple of hours a week with my Mum and then a couple of hours the other day with my sister. It works because I actually miss her and want to use every bit of time we’ve got positively. I honestly don’t know how your relationship hasn’t collapsed and I’m not being horrible.

it’s going to probably cause separation anxiety when it does come to that time in their life maybe. I would honestly try and get some time just the two of you not for just your benefit the children too.

if it works it works but I find it bizzare!

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 02/04/2023 00:31

DD is nearly 12 and I can probably count on two hand the times me and OH went out together since she was born , mostly due to lack of childcare.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/04/2023 00:33

It’s very unusual I would say.

I think about 7 or 8 is a good time for things like first school trip nights away, and most kids would have done nights with grandparents / cousins / friends long before that.

Why would they be sad to be away from you? Most kids like staying with granny and by 8 are keen for nights away with friends.

It’s important for their development you start encouraging independence around now. Even if you don’t want a night out, ever.