Page 4 | Is this detrimental to my kids?

cheesegraet · 2023-04-01T22:36:57+00:00

I was speaking to a friend earlier and she was really shocked when I revealed that our children have never been away from us over night. They're 6 and 8. We've also never gone out for the evening without them. My mum has watched them the odd afternoon, but that's it. Is this weird ? They'd be pretty sad if we left them, so we haven't and we just haven't seen the need to.

saturdaymorningbored · 03/04/2023 09:51

If it works for you it's fine, everyone is different.
It wouldn't be for me, my DC's loved going to their GP's for a sleepover, both me and DH had great relationships with our GP's and we wanted that for our DC's too, and our parents loved having them.
Also going for a night out with only DH was really important to our relationship.
All that being said how you parent is your choice, it's not for anyone else to judge

AlltheFs · 03/04/2023 09:52

saturdaymorningbored · 03/04/2023 09:51

If it works for you it's fine, everyone is different.
It wouldn't be for me, my DC's loved going to their GP's for a sleepover, both me and DH had great relationships with our GP's and we wanted that for our DC's too, and our parents loved having them.
Also going for a night out with only DH was really important to our relationship.
All that being said how you parent is your choice, it's not for anyone else to judge

What would you have done though if there were no GP’s?

Butterwicky · 03/04/2023 09:54

We are in a similar position. No family or friends able to take the kids, they have some SEN so it's a big ask. DH and I sometimes go out for lunch when they're at school. But we weren't big night out people or very sociable before we had kids anyway so it's not a big deal.

Albiboba · 03/04/2023 09:54

@user1492757084 To be honest, if your children are well behaved you probably really enjoy spending time as a whole family and that is why your family has evolved like it has.

What??? So the suggestion is parents who have a date night have kids (when they are largely asleep anyway) who aren’t well behaved and they don’t like spending time as a family? Lol reach.

UnaVaca · 03/04/2023 09:56

It’s unusual I think, if you do have willing people to look after them. Makes more sense if you don’t have anyone who can help.

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2023 09:57

Our children are 8 and 6 and have never been on a sleepover, I also don't think my husband and I have had a night out (we'll go for lunch when kids are at school sometimes).

The cost of a babysitter would double the cost of a night out for us and it's not worth the cost (and we don't have any family who are able to babysit).

Sleepovers will come with school friends etc in time.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 03/04/2023 09:57

Been married for 11 years and since dc have been born, (we have 4), they haven't been baby sat and we haven't had a date night. To be fair we don't have any one who can babysit 4 kids at once. And we are cool with that. It works for some and not others

WeWereInParis · 03/04/2023 10:01

They'd be pretty sad if we left them, so we haven't

So is this the reason why you haven't? Or is it lack of childcare, or not wanting to?

Have you, for example, turned down an invitation to something you wanted to do because the children will be sad?

I don't think it's detrimental to them. But equally, an 8 year old being sad about grandma looking after them for an afternoon and then putting them to bed wouldn't stop me, for example, going to a close friend's wedding. (I only use that example as that's why I'm leaving my 3 year old next month. She's actually staying overnight with my parents, and will be excited). Would you turn down that sort of invitation, because you don't want to leave them?

L3ThirtySeven · 03/04/2023 10:06

I think it is getting to the point of being detrimental. They should be having sleepovers, be used to having a babysitter and so on by now. Residential trips start up in a few years as do opportunities for residential summer camps. You wouldn’t want their first trip to be spoiled by homesickness due to never having spent a night away from home & parents.

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2023 10:12

L3ThirtySeven · 03/04/2023 10:06

I think it is getting to the point of being detrimental. They should be having sleepovers, be used to having a babysitter and so on by now. Residential trips start up in a few years as do opportunities for residential summer camps. You wouldn’t want their first trip to be spoiled by homesickness due to never having spent a night away from home & parents.

You are aware that there are many families who don't have people to care for their children overnight so many children don't have sleepovers until they're old enough to do school trips or stay at friends

2bazookas · 03/04/2023 10:15

Yes, it is detrimental to your kids. Children who are used to (known and trusted) family/friend babysitters, are happy to be fed/bathed /story and put to bed by them; if they wake, they are relaxed and confident to be soothed changed, given a drink and settled back to sleep.

Because they have that experience and familiraity with a range of adults, those children can cope with emergency separations from their parents; a work absence, car breakdown, illness, hospitalisation (of the parent or the child). The unforeseen circumsatnces that would be hugely more stressful for a child that's never had a sleepover at Granny's, never had a babysitter.

When they start nursery, and school, it's not scary to be left for the very fisty time ever ; they can take it in their stride because their parents have already expanded the social circle of "safe people I can trust, who are going to look after me... and I know mum will come back, like she always does".

I'd suggest it's also detrimental to the parents adult relationship. You are not JUST parents; you are adult partners who need to cultivate your relationship to keep it fresh and healthy. Do stuff on your own as a couple, go out to dinner, the cinema, a party, for a moonlight walk, to th gym , to see friends, share hobbies. Be able to go to a work dinner and stay overnight; have a relaxed weekend away together.

Dibbydoos · 03/04/2023 10:15

It didn't harm my kids. We decided that our kids would be looked after by noone except our childminder and their grand parents.
They even came out on an evening do (scout leaders - I used to volunteer). We went out for aChristmas meal. I called the restaurant and booked a table for them, the servers checked with my DH and I everything they ordered, it was great and they loved it cos they had a little independence. They were about 8 or 9.

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 10:20

Dibbydoos · 03/04/2023 10:15

It didn't harm my kids. We decided that our kids would be looked after by noone except our childminder and their grand parents.
They even came out on an evening do (scout leaders - I used to volunteer). We went out for aChristmas meal. I called the restaurant and booked a table for them, the servers checked with my DH and I everything they ordered, it was great and they loved it cos they had a little independence. They were about 8 or 9.

So you were able to go out in the evening then? Seeing as you had grandparents and a childminder

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2023 10:22

JMSA · 03/04/2023 09:39

Weird in my eyes, yes. Gosh, don't you want any kind of life or existence outside of your children? your other half must be bored stiff

And it's not how I'd live... But we're all different. Happy relationships come in many forms.

We don't know much else about the life of the OP and her partner. Perhaps they do lots of things separately.

PapadamPreach · 03/04/2023 10:31

Detrimental is probably a strong word, but I’d be questioning if it’s beneficial to your marriage or friendships.

Noicant · 03/04/2023 10:32

We haven’t but we don’t have childcare options. Can’t wait for her first residential trip! But tbh I really don’t see the big deal, my marriage isn’t going to crumble, would be nice of we had some time alone definitely (I would very much like that) but I don’t think it’s particularly unusual. Many people don’t have childcare options, if I had them I’d take them though.

L3ThirtySeven · 03/04/2023 11:16

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2023 10:12

You are aware that there are many families who don't have people to care for their children overnight so many children don't have sleepovers until they're old enough to do school trips or stay at friends

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Yes I’m aware. I think 8 is definitely old enough to stay at a friends house overnight and 6 is more than old enough to be left with a babysitter for an evening out.

saturdaymorningbored · 03/04/2023 11:27

@AlltheFs I wouldn't have left them overnight with anyone else but the op did say her DC's have grandparents.
I would have left them with family/friends to go out for the evening though.