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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this detrimental to my kids?

93 replies

cheesegraet · 01/04/2023 23:36

I was speaking to a friend earlier and she was really shocked when I revealed that our children have never been away from us over night. They're 6 and 8.

We've also never gone out for the evening without them.
My mum has watched them the odd afternoon, but that's it.

Is this weird ?

They'd be pretty sad if we left them, so we haven't and we just haven't seen the need to.

OP posts:

deveronvalley · 02/04/2023 00:34

My son was away from us overnight first time aged 10 last summer at a 2 night thing at a PGL camp. Said he was the only kid not crying at night 🤷‍♀️ My husband and I have been together 22 years, we adore each other, however we run our own business and don’t go out together in the evening, he only likes pubs and I don’t drink nowadays! We used to go out pubbing together when we worked separately and before we had a child. Shock, horror I also don’t have any friends!! If I want to go somewhere or do something I go on my own or the kid comes if it’s suitable. Sometimes all 3 of us go. Our son is perfectly fine, very independent, busy and capable. People might think I’m weird, I’m long past caring!

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 00:35

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 02/04/2023 00:31

DD is nearly 12 and I can probably count on two hand the times me and OH went out together since she was born , mostly due to lack of childcare.

I think even doing it very occasionally (particularly if it’s due to lack of childcare) is very different to never doing it at all.

saraclara · 02/04/2023 00:42

They'll only be sad because they've had no experience of it when they were very small. You've turned it into a big deal. And the longer you leave it, the now stressed they get about you not being there.

My kids didn't stay over because their grandparents weren't local. But I belonged to a babysitting circle of mum friends, and they were used to a familiar person putting them to bed or being around if they woke up, from an early age.
We didn't go out without them that frequently, but there were also the occasional evenings where we each had a commitment so there was a clash.

Also I think children need to get used to someone else looking after them in the occasional evening, because emergencies and unexpected events can lead to someone having to look after them at very short notice. And who wants to add to anyone's distress (kids' or parents') by this being the first time ever that it's happened?

Kanaloa · 02/04/2023 00:42

I don’t see how not sleeping over at other people’s houses could be ‘detrimental.’ Yes, kids need independence, but that a come in lots of ways. Presumably they attend school and other activities out of the home. Why would sleeping in someone else’s house be necessary for their development?

If you’re happy, and they’re happy, then I wouldn’t care what someone else thinks.

MrsAvocet · 02/04/2023 00:48

The first time DH and I spent a night away from our children was our 20th wedding anniversary. Our elder two had been away on school residentials and the occasional night at friends by then, and DH and I had both individually spent nights away with work, but never at the same time so that was the first time, and only one of two times ever that anyone else looked after them together overnight. The other was a night when we did both have to unavoidably be away for work at the same time. I'm pleased to report that they are all happy, independent teens/young adults now and DH and I are still happily married after 30 odd years so no harm appears to have come of it.
Do whatever makes you and your family happy OP.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 02/04/2023 00:50

So no one watched our kids we had parents and inlaws but they had squads of grand kids (young parents) and were off doing their own things. Not their job.

We have our grandkids strictly one night a week to help out and we enjoy it. It no way any more. We have a full life and mid 50s retired.

You have kids you look after them any other help is fabulous but not a given

WhiteBloatus · 02/04/2023 00:55

for the sake of building coping skills/resilience/independence it can be good to change that routine occasionally.
your children would be sad you say, that’s because you haven’t given them the opportunity to prove to themselves they’d be ok if they weren’t with you, something will come up at some point to test that, planned or maybe unplanned.
having said that I wouldn’t be losing any sleep over it either.

SleeptightDaisy · 02/04/2023 01:06

My two are 10 & 8 we've only had 3 nights without both children in all this time. Mainly because grandparents won't have them to stay, my sister lived abroad for many years but since back has had them to stay for one night the other two nights they were away was for a camp with beavers and cubs. It's hard if you haven't got family that are prepared to babysit or have them over night. I feel sad that both my children and parents are missing out on sharing these times. Dh dad has only looked after the children for the most one hour in our house whilst we attend parents evening.

fairywhale · 02/04/2023 01:20

Completely normal

WandaWonder · 02/04/2023 01:42

No it's not weird, our child stayed over with grandparents from a newborn occasionally and sometimes short breaks

I was pleased he was happy with other people I didn't see a need to be attached 24/7

IoooAINToooSAYINGoooSHEoooA · 02/04/2023 08:30

Each to their own, if you're happy. But I do think it's depriving them of a little adventure of staying at grandparents etc. I loved those nights as a kid. I know someone who does the same, their kids are really clingy to them because of how they are with them.

VikingsandDragons · 03/04/2023 08:20

They're of an age where school are going to start doing residentials, or cub and brownie camps etc. There were two children in my eldests year who didn't go as they were afraid to be away from parents, both mums were very proudly telling anyone who would listen what a strong bond they have that they can't stand to be parted. I feel I have a strong bond with my children, but it's my job to raise them to be able to function independently not just as an adjunct of me, and even if I don't like them being away I'm proud they're confident enough to do it. Incidentally one of those children apparently cried daily the week they came back because the others in the friendship group were discussing what they'd done on the trip at times, and she felt excluded.

Mine both had to have their first night out at about 2 1/2 and 3 months, when I was hospitalised unexpectedly for a night and my husband was working away, since then they've stayed with grandparents, their auntie and uncle or godparents about 6-8 times a year, and one 2-3 night weekend a year when we go away. Both our jobs do require us to be away from home 8-25 nights a year each though so we were always going to be away from them individually if not as a couple.

If yours would still be happy to go away on a school trip then crack on because you're already raising secure young people, but if you think that would make them nervous I would consider ways you can make them feel secure without your physical presence so they don't miss out on experiences growing up.

romdowa · 03/04/2023 08:22

Surely this is normal for lots of people. I've nobody to take my son over night , even a babysitter for a few hours is crazy money now and we simply can't afford it. I don't think its going to do any damage to your children at all

afterdropshock · 03/04/2023 08:23

My eldest is 9 and my husband and I have probably had about 5 nights out without choldren since they came along. We don't have childcare.

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:24

You really need anonymous posters to tell you that you’re not being unreasonable?

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:26

Although to have never gone out in the evening is a touch odd Op

no party, dinner with friends, cinema with your husband?

Sounds like that needs to be explored!

Busybody2022 · 03/04/2023 08:27

Mine are also 6 and 8. Also have never been away for the evening/overnight. Suits us.

Number24Bus · 03/04/2023 08:27

Overnight- absolutely fine.

Evening out- unusual. Fair enough if it works for you, but maybe try a night out with your husband?

Stickmansmum · 03/04/2023 08:29

I think it’s extreme OP. And fundamentally any sort of extreme behaviour or family set up tend not to be on the healthy side of things. Your kids need to learn to rely on themselves (mentally- of course a responsible adult will be there) for short periods initially at a young age and more and more as they get older. Just my opinion. Humans need to be under pressure a bit to learn and letting them have time away from their primary caregivers teaches them lots of tiny little lessons you couldn’t even imagine.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/04/2023 08:31

I don’t think it’s detrimental to the kids although the later you leave this the harder it will be.

I do however think it’s detrimental to your relationship with your partner and your own mental health and sense of self. You (or another poster), said your parents had lived like this and they were still in love etc but if you never go out or see anyone else how would you develop any perspective on your own life?

I think having no life outside of your immediate family is incredibly unhealthy.

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:32

So guessing your children have never been on a sleepover.

Invites will come

do you think your children will be “really sad” if it’s them sleeping over at a fun party sleepover? Doubt it

AnnBeloved · 03/04/2023 08:33

I don't know. There isn't anything wrong with it per se but it's not how I'd do things. Do you not think they'd be sad at you going out because they have never dealt with it?

I understand feeling uncomfortable at your child spending time at a random friends house overnight who's parents you don't know but not even your own families? A school trip?

My children stay at my parents regularly and have done since they were tiny. It's great for me, no relationship right now but still me time is important! And it's honestly great for them. Not just because they have a lovely time when they are there which they do, but they are quite happy being left. They don't get upset, they have a lovely bond with my parents and other family members and in a more extreme scenario I know they'd be happy and safe with someone and somewhere they knew and trusted if something happened to me. They have a home away from home with my family and I think that's only a good thing?

As they get older like your two I'd want them to be able to experience school trips and things too. Will this not be an issue? My stepson went away on a residential when he was 9, he had such a good time. If he'd never spent the night away from his parents until then I'm not sure how that would have worked.

WordtoYoMumma · 03/04/2023 08:33

It's definitely unusual. I don't think it's detrimental to your kids necessarily but I do think it could be detrimental to your mental health and your relationship. I can't imagine putting my life and relationship completely on hold like that for so long.
If it works for you then it's no one else's business but it would have made me sad. DH and I are now at the point where we can go out whenever we want as the kids are old enough to be left alone, so we get lots of lovely stress free date nights and it's wonderful! We go to nicer places too now cos our budget doesn't have to pay the babysitter 😂

At some point your child may want to do a sleepover with a friend, camp with cubs, school residential and it may be harder for them if they've never been away from you I guess? Or they may just find they are ready and be fine with it.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2023 08:34

It’s your choice of course and we generally take ours on holiday, out for meals etc as we want to BUT at some point you may need to or want to do it so if you have a babysitter available it might be a good idea to get them used to it gradually.
SIL was similar but then had a family emergency and had to leave her DC with someone they didn’t know well and it added to the stress of an already difficult situation

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