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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this detrimental to my kids?

93 replies

cheesegraet · 01/04/2023 23:36

I was speaking to a friend earlier and she was really shocked when I revealed that our children have never been away from us over night. They're 6 and 8.

We've also never gone out for the evening without them.
My mum has watched them the odd afternoon, but that's it.

Is this weird ?

They'd be pretty sad if we left them, so we haven't and we just haven't seen the need to.

OP posts:
KnittingNeedles · 03/04/2023 08:34

They'd be pretty sad if we left them,

But why? What's "sad" about "Mum and Dad are going to a wedding/gig/party, so you're staying with Auntie overnight and we'll see you both in the morning"?

At 8, a child is approaching the sleepover age, or nights away with Cubs/Brownies, school trips, all sorts of reasons why they may be offered the chance to be away overnight. It IS detrimental to children to miss out on these sorts of life opportunities because parents are too needy or anxious to spend a few hours away from them, let alone overnight.

AnnBeloved · 03/04/2023 08:35

And I think surely it's only going to get harder to do the longer you leave it?

Houseyvibe · 03/04/2023 08:36

I don't think that not staying out is unusual but to have never not once left your children for an evening is definitely weird and to not do it because they would feel sad is even weirder. Who is the parent here?

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 09:07

Op won’t be back I reckon

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 03/04/2023 09:09

My sons are adults with kids of their own now, but we never once had a babysitter for them, never went out without them, and they never stayed overnight anywhere.

MrsHughesPinny · 03/04/2023 09:11

It wouldn’t be for me, personally, but the way you parent is up to you. I believe (and this is evidenced in my own DC) that it’s healthy to have time apart. For me, it’s been important to still be a person and pursue my own interests, not just be a parent. From my DC’s perspective, they are never anxious about going new places, on school residentials, to stay with friends/family etc.

First time I spent time away from my DC was four nights in NYC when he was about 7 months old. It was a challenge but the first time was the hardest and it’s been fine since.

Tryphenia · 03/04/2023 09:14

It’s far more likely to be detrimental to you.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/04/2023 09:16

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 03/04/2023 09:09

My sons are adults with kids of their own now, but we never once had a babysitter for them, never went out without them, and they never stayed overnight anywhere.

What never until they left home?

See I think that pretty unhealthy.

TempsPerdu · 03/04/2023 09:23

We’re kind of in the same boat OP. DD is 5 and has never slept away from home, and we’ve only managed a couple of nights out as a couple since she was born. We do have time away from her individually - I’ve just got back from a days’ break on my own - but not together.

I don’t think it’s been detrimental to DD - she is secure and well adjusted and will I imagine be fine with sleepovers at friends’ houses/school trips when she’s a bit bigger. But it has been detrimental to us as a couple and I do feel that we’ve lost touch with each other a bit, plus we have very little alone time to discuss big decisions, plans etc because DD is always around.

Our main issue is lack of childcare options - very small families on both sides, with older grandparents who can’t really cope with an overnight stay now. Only other local relative is DP’s sister, who is fab with kids, but lives in a one bed flat and is a teacher, so very busy during term time and often on holiday herself in the holidays. DD also has, and has always had, a very late bedtime (9pm or so), and we don’t really want to inflict that on whoever is looking after her. So we’re a bit stuck!

As soon as friends’ sleepovers become a possibility we will definitely be encouraging those for DD (and hosting them here), but in the meantime I’m not sure what the answer is!

TempsPerdu · 03/04/2023 09:31

@SleeptightDaisy Just to say that you’re not alone in this, and I very much empathise. In our case it’s partly a side effect of having had DD late (and our parents having us late too) so all GPs are now in their late 70s and 80s and not up to doing that level of childcare. And also being temperamentally unsuited - we had my parents over just for a few hours in the evening last week and they had to be told to interact with DD. They just don’t ‘do’ kids.

I do feel that DD is missing out a bit with the relationship building side of things, but it is what it is and she is otherwise very happy and well adjusted. The strain is more on our side!

Choconut · 03/04/2023 09:32

If you're all happy then it sounds lovely. I'm assuming they go to school so they have plenty of 'time apart' then. I don't see anything advantageous to the kids being shipped off to various people or getting random baby sitters in to look after them just because they parents want to go out. Mine stayed with relatives every now and then from about 6 or 7 onwards and had the odd sleepover with friends but it really wasn't necessary or required. It certainly didn't make them any more or any less social/confident/mentally healthy - that comes down so much more to nature rather than nurture when they're young IMO.

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2023 09:34

As long as you're all happy. It's fine.

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 09:34

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 03/04/2023 09:09

My sons are adults with kids of their own now, but we never once had a babysitter for them, never went out without them, and they never stayed overnight anywhere.

In another thread you refer to “my son who lives alone”

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/04/2023 09:37

Yes, i believe it is detrimental.

Kids aren't possessions. They deserve opportunities to develop their own relationships outside the parental unit. With babysitters, extended family, friends. They also need to learn to cope with a parent's absence.

Yoyooo · 03/04/2023 09:38

I wouldn't worry so much about the detriment to your children, but instead the detriment to your marriage.

I couldn't imagine a marriage without the odd date night, time to recharge with your loved one. When the children are all grown up - where will that leave your relationship

JMSA · 03/04/2023 09:39

Weird in my eyes, yes. Gosh, don't you want any kind of life or existence outside of your children? your other half must be bored stiff

JMSA · 03/04/2023 09:40

Meant to say life or identity outside of your kids.

JMSA · 03/04/2023 09:41

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2023 09:34

As long as you're all happy. It's fine.

It's really not. It's possessive and weird. How would they even cope in an emergency situation?!

user1492757084 · 03/04/2023 09:42

Sleep overs can happen too young.
If every one is happy the way it is then that's what is best.
Quite a few children have their first sleep over at school or Brownie Guide camp.
Your kids are possibly old enough to have their grandparents baby sit them if ever you'd like an evening out.
To be honest, if your children are well behaved you probably really enjoy spending time as a whole family and that is why your family has evolved like it has.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/04/2023 09:43

JMSA · 03/04/2023 09:39

Weird in my eyes, yes. Gosh, don't you want any kind of life or existence outside of your children? your other half must be bored stiff

This. Thinking about it I also think it may ultimately be detrimental to the children: doesn't set a great example to your children to live such an insular life with no significant relationships outside immediate family.

Albiboba · 03/04/2023 09:48

We've also never gone out for the evening without them.

By 6 and 8? Yeah I think that’s weird.
You and your husband had a relationship before kids, you still need to maintain a relationship together that doesn’t involve your kids.
Never having a date night in 8 years is really weird actually!

I don’t think it’s beneficial for you as an individual or your marriage. You need to have a life that isn’t just 100% for your children.

HelloNetMums · 03/04/2023 09:48

cheesegraet · 01/04/2023 23:36

I was speaking to a friend earlier and she was really shocked when I revealed that our children have never been away from us over night. They're 6 and 8.

We've also never gone out for the evening without them.
My mum has watched them the odd afternoon, but that's it.

Is this weird ?

They'd be pretty sad if we left them, so we haven't and we just haven't seen the need to.

My oldest is 10 and he has never had a sleepover, not even at his grandparents.
He's not interested and I don't feel he needs to.

Before you know it, they'll be grown up. Make the most of having them home.

My mum sometimes comes to mine and will sit with them in the evening while me and the hubby go for food.

Do what you're comfortable with, not what your friends think is 'normal'

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 03/04/2023 09:48

It is unusual but not what I would call 'weird'.

I definitely appreciate evenings out without kids, and time away.

My DC aren't sad when I'm not there either, it's pretty normal for them.

Marcinon · 03/04/2023 09:49

Not unusual ime . Not everyone has to be the same as everyone else. Not everyone has family close enough or people who can mind them or the money to pay babysitters, but if you can let them have sleepovers they’ll probably jump at it now/soon and enjoy it being older plus it will help for soon coming school residential trips.

AlltheFs · 03/04/2023 09:49

We haven’t had a night away from DD together in 3.5 years so I don’t think it’s unusual.
We don’t have any family help and I don’t know any babysitters yet (I wouldn’t use a stranger). But we really aren’t night out people.

We do spend days together as a couple when DD at nursery (we will take a day off and have a day out regularly) and we also WFH together twice a week. We live in a village with a good pub so we can easily pop out for an hour at lunchtime. That’s all we need.

I’ve got absolutely no desire to leave DD at night, but could easily leave her with DH if I needed to and vice versa.

We are both complete homebodies though (and we live somewhere pretty idyllic) so there’s nowhere we really want to go. We live in the sort of cottage people pay a fortune to stay in at weekends which helps.

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