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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to my friends’ wedding?

118 replies

Orangepolentacake · 01/04/2023 23:04

My friends are having a destination wedding in an European country where one of their parents has a house. The house is practically in the middle of nowhere. Nearest airport is about 2 hours away, plus an hour’s drive or a bus that comes who knows when.

Most guests have young/babies/toddlers children, and so do our friends. One of them has family (same, young children) coming from far away/not in the UK.
They didn’t include childcare
considerations in their wedding plans - after I asked if they had considered some form of cheche at the venue, they looked confused, scrambled and said they’ll arrange some local nanny to look after all the children in the air bnb where some of the family guests are staying.

I don’t really want to go. It’s a hassle to get there, I don’t have anyone to leave my baby with (DS has never been left with anyone - always with us) and am not up for leaving him with some rando he’s never met, away in an air bnb in the middle of nowhere away from the venue. My friends will be very disappointed, they’re kind of unforgiving when it comes to social plans (not going to one of their parties tends to result in some form of sulking/silent treatment) and, whilst we are close friends, I just don’t really want to go. AIBU?

OP posts:
HMW1906 · 03/04/2023 04:43

Why would you expect them to provide childcare when children are invited to the wedding?? Take a few toys with you and the pram, when it gets to nap time/bedtime just take the child for a walk in the pram until they’re asleep then come back, they’ll have had such a busy day they’ll be knackered anyway.

just tell them you don’t want to go as you obviously don’t want to!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 03/04/2023 06:01

I don’t understand why you even bothered asking about a crèche if you are “not up for leaving him with some rando he’s never met”?

Dyslexicwonder · 03/04/2023 06:25

As always if you want something enough you find ways to make it happen.

This basically. Having a 1 Yr old is hard work, your friends are not nor should they organise their wedding around your child's needs. Going to a wedding when you have a 1 year old is never going to be the enjoyable, relaxing experience it was unless said 1 year old is left with someone else. Go or don't go, I am not sure how close these friends are but not going to their wedding is kind of a big deal.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/04/2023 07:21

SkaterBrained · 02/04/2023 20:43

Against the grain, but I think you sound more inflexible and harder work than they are.

They actually looked into a nanny to try and make it easier for you to attend, yet you have given a stroppy reply about how kids might as well not be invited unless it finishes at 5pm. There is a world of difference between accommodating kids and centring them.

You know there are actual solutions, like going alone, taking a GP, DH going back at 8pm or so for DC bedtime but your answers to these posters are aggressive and sarcastic. If you don't want to go, own it, but don't place all the blame on their plans when they appear to be trying to help you when you've asked about childcare.

I agree. They've chosen a destination wedding and invited kids. They don't need to provide a crèche as well.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/04/2023 07:27

I do agree that the bride and groom have no right to get pissy if people decide that they can't attend. Not everyone will want to spend time and money traveling for a destination wedding, and that's OK.

I do understand them being irritated if the OP asked about childcare, and they sorted this in response to her request, and she then decided that she wasn't coming anyway.

Nitebook · 03/04/2023 07:41

Orangepolentacake · 03/04/2023 00:09

The nanny isn’t specifically for my baby

Show quote history

Are you sure? It hadn't been thought of until you mentioned it because most people would either politely decline the invitation or take DC with them to the wedding.

gloriousmulch · 03/04/2023 07:49

I think you’d be fine not to go. Surely people having ‘destination weddings’ do so on the understanding that it won’t work for everyone.

Nitebook · 03/04/2023 07:56

Is it possible these friends are "difficult" when you decline an invitation because you find a way to make it their fault rather than owning the decision not to go?

DC will be fine at the wedding, you might even enjoy seeing all the LOs running around having fun, but you don't want to go and don't like the people. Just say no and let them know they don't need to make any special arrangements for you, that they can reallocate your place.

farnhamgal · 03/04/2023 08:16

HMW1906 · 03/04/2023 04:43

Why would you expect them to provide childcare when children are invited to the wedding?? Take a few toys with you and the pram, when it gets to nap time/bedtime just take the child for a walk in the pram until they’re asleep then come back, they’ll have had such a busy day they’ll be knackered anyway.

just tell them you don’t want to go as you obviously don’t want to!

This

Nitebook · 03/04/2023 08:27

What do you do on holiday OP. Use local baby sitters? Back in the room by 5pm? Go with the flow and let DC stay up/nap in the pushchair as needed?

lv884 · 03/04/2023 09:03

FlipFlopBattle · 03/04/2023 02:52

I've been to two destination weddings with a baby; one child-free and one (allegedly) child-friendly, and they were both by far the most stressful weddings I've ever been to!

Sounds like you've now decided not to go, but if the bride and groom haven't thought plans through yet, for the sake of other guests, as well as their own enjoyment, they should either organise decent childcare that parents and children will be comfortable with, or make the wedding properly child-friendly.

Here's what could happen otherwise!

Child-free wedding. Bride and groom hired an entire boutique hotel for a few days. Other days were family-friendly, but they (understandably) wanted the ceremony and meal/speeches to be child-free. The hotel organised "professional nannies", who were meant to set up in one of the largest suites for the day. Turned out to be two women of a certain age who didn't speak a word of English (despite the entire wedding party coming from the UK/US), didn't bring any activities, and seemed to think their remit extended as far as knitting in the corner and making sure no kids left the room. The suite didn't materialise either, was a cramped, stifling room for ~10 kids aged 4 months to 8 yrs. Some parents took one look and didn't even attempt to leave their kids for the ceremony. We managed a couple of hours, as it was his main nap time, he was a great sleeper, and we'd written down and mimed his sleep times. When we checked on him though, he looked jet-lagged and blatantly hadn't been put down in a quiet corner for a sleep at all, and the remaining parents also removed their children at that point. Throughout the entire reception parents were therefore tag-teaming it to sit in their bedroom with the kids, missing either food or speeches. Thick walls also meant baby monitors didn't work, so that wasn't an option.

Child-friendly wedding. We could have asked a family member to babysit for this one, but the couple, who already had school-age kids, kept going on about how child-friendly it was and how we should bring him, so we did... All the school-age kids had a great time with the entertainer etc, but it was a total nightmare for a 1-year-old. Down a narrow spiral staircase so we couldn't bring the buggy in, no high chairs, no baby-friendly food, no changing facilities, nowhere to get away from the very noisy entertainer/disco, no outdoor space. We had to take turns jiggling him on our knees for hours.

Spent the following 24hrs of the holiday recovering in both cases!

I can believe that both of these situations were a bit of a nightmare but I expect to feel like I need a holiday to recover from a destination holiday with kids before I go. This is why we recently declined. I don’t think weddings can truly be that child-friendly and nor should they be in my opinion: there are drinks receptions and drinking throughout the day, adults are letting their hair down, they may want to enjoy a nice meal in peace for once without grappling with a toddler, there’s loud music, moments where you dread your baby getting restless…

We welcomed our guests’ little ones by inviting them all and accommodating them as best we could (high chairs, snacks, decent kids’ meal or adult meal for older kids etc.) but I drew the line at providing childcare. For some of the reasons you mention like safety measures like ratio and parents understandably not ending up leaving their kids with them. (I wouldn’t have, nor my close friends and siblings with kids but each to their own.) I am surprised two childminders could even have 10 kids between them in the wedding you went to.

Side note but for anyone reading this thread wondering about kids or not at a wedding, our ‘child-friendly’ attempt including laughing off babies slightly ruining both our ceremony and speeches - they genuinely did by screaming through both (including right on cue during the legal vows) so something to consider for anyone getting married. I say this as a parent. I always say “I don’t blame you!” when we get a child-free invitation as I remember the parents walking in and out of our ceremony. I’ve been there. In fact, I just stay at the back from the start now if we take them. Kids, eh? But we do also have lovely memories of them in family weddings where we aren’t so worried about their aunt or someone getting offended by their shall we say unpredictable behaviour.

FlipFlopBattle · 03/04/2023 12:52

@lv884 I'm totally with you personally about enjoying a wedding much more, and being able to focus on the happy couple, without our kids! Those were the first and last weddings where we brought kids, and only because they were abroad.

Others prefer the family vibe, with kids running around having fun at the reception, and I used to want that myself - until I went to couple of weddings where a baby screamed so loudly throughout the vows that no one could hear a thing, and the parents didn't do the decent thing and nip out for a while.

Ultimately, it's up to the couple; their wedding, their choice, and guests equally have the choice to accept or decline. For destination weddings, it's even more important to be clear on what something like child-free or child-friendly actually involves, hence my examples of what either could be like in reality, even when the couples, bless them, thought they had it all sorted out...

DilemmaADay · 03/04/2023 13:30

OP I know you seem absolutely adamant that the nanny isn't for your baby, but if somebody approached me about my wedding and asked about child care options and whether they'd been sorted, then I would assume it was because they were going to use them. If not I'd want to know bloody soon so I didn't pay out for a nanny no one was even going to use.

You seem a bit airy-fairy about the whole thing, so just tell your friend as soon as possible as it would stop her making some very expensive decisions to accommodate you when you have no intention of going.

Tinker95 · 29/04/2023 18:37

NTA The safety of the children is concerning. To heck with being disappointed.. The other parents should be worried too. If they're not concerned about a complete stranger being alone with all their kids in a place that isn't even home.... like that would be a huge red flag on their part..

YukoandHiro · 29/04/2023 18:58

YANBU. They clearly don't have children.
Don't go, it will be a total nightmare. I'm sure they will have children in a couple of years and look back and cringe.
A destination wedding means you now some people won't make it due to cost/faff. They can't hold it against you - I doubt many with kids will actually go.

Original poster
Orangepolentacake · 29/04/2023 20:44

YukoandHiro · 29/04/2023 18:58

YANBU. They clearly don't have children.
Don't go, it will be a total nightmare. I'm sure they will have children in a couple of years and look back and cringe.
A destination wedding means you now some people won't make it due to cost/faff. They can't hold it against you - I doubt many with kids will actually go.

They have children! One of them will be barely a toddler by the wedding 👀

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangepolentacake · 29/04/2023 20:44

Tinker95 · 29/04/2023 18:37

NTA The safety of the children is concerning. To heck with being disappointed.. The other parents should be worried too. If they're not concerned about a complete stranger being alone with all their kids in a place that isn't even home.... like that would be a huge red flag on their part..

This!!!

OP posts:
RoxysWalkInCloset · 30/04/2023 17:33

Those aren't your friends, they're your burden.

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