Page 3 | AIBU to not go to my friends’ wedding?

Orangepolentacake · 2023-04-01T22:04:07+00:00

My friends are having a destination wedding in an European country where one of their parents has a house. The house is practically in the middle of nowhere. Nearest airport is about 2 hours away, plus an hour’s drive or a bus that comes who knows when. Most guests have young/babies/toddlers children, and so do our friends. One of them has family (same, young children) coming from far away/not in the UK. They didn’t include childcare considerations in their wedding plans - after I asked if they had considered some form of cheche at the venue, they looked confused, scrambled and said they’ll arrange some local nanny to look after all the children in the air bnb where some of the family guests are staying. I don’t really want to go. It’s a hassle to get there, I don’t have anyone to leave my baby with (DS has never been left with anyone - always with us) and am not up for leaving him with some rando he’s never met, away in an air bnb in the middle of nowhere away from the venue. My friends will be very disappointed, they’re kind of unforgiving when it comes to social plans (not going to one of their parties tends to result in some form of sulking/silent treatment) and, whilst we are close friends, I just don’t really want to go. AIBU?

Kindledino · 02/04/2023 19:34

Life is full of things we'd rather not do but have to - going to work rather than staying tucked up in bed, paying bills as opposed to spending the money on treats etc. This is something you don't have to do, and don't want to. So don't! And don't feel the tiniest bit of guilt for it either.

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 02/04/2023 19:34

This sounds eerily like the same wedding I’ve been invited to! No advice op but we had similar concerns, as do others. Our plan is for dads to go back to our air Bnb with kids I think while mums stay at the wedding and enjoy ourselves.

Catzpajamas · 02/04/2023 19:50

I went to a wedding in the US when my baby was 11 months. We paid for my mum to come with us and she babysat our DS after I’d put him down - I brought the baby to the ceremony then popped back, put DS down and went back to the wedding. Missed the starters but was able to stay all night for the party.

I appreciate this is a big hassle and expense but these were close friends. Had a great time too.
They lived there so wasn’t a ‘destination’ for them.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 02/04/2023 20:07

It’s perfectly fine not to go and your friends would be unreasonable to be annoyed with you. However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with the arrangements, you can take your son there and if you don’t want that there will be childcare available elsewhere instead. It’s not ideal but your son can stay off late as a one off and sleep in the pushchair, if you know he can’t do that then accept the childcare or decline but don’t blame your friends.

GeekyThings · 02/04/2023 20:21

YANBU, the whole thing sounds too much like hard work. I find people who have destination weddings and hard work usually go hand in hand!

If they were really that bothered about wanting everyone to attend they'd have picked something local and easier for everyone. They haven't done that so they can't really care that much. So don't go, and don't feel guilty!

drpet49 · 02/04/2023 20:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2023 23:13

It’s a ridiculous plan and you obviously shouldn’t go. I wouldn’t be friends with people who sulk in the first place so if they kick off as you anticipate hopefully they’ll be so offended you won’t have to tolerate their childish behaviour in future.

This

SkaterBrained · 02/04/2023 20:43

Against the grain, but I think you sound more inflexible and harder work than they are.

They actually looked into a nanny to try and make it easier for you to attend, yet you have given a stroppy reply about how kids might as well not be invited unless it finishes at 5pm. There is a world of difference between accommodating kids and centring them.

You know there are actual solutions, like going alone, taking a GP, DH going back at 8pm or so for DC bedtime but your answers to these posters are aggressive and sarcastic. If you don't want to go, own it, but don't place all the blame on their plans when they appear to be trying to help you when you've asked about childcare.

bamboonights · 02/04/2023 21:12

There's no way I would leave my young baby with an unknown nanny. Anywhere.

pizzaHeart · 02/04/2023 21:22

@SkaterBrained it won’t be a British nanny. It would be a local nanny, the standards and approaches would be very different from OP’s local childminder.

I wouldn’t go OP, it sounds too complicated with a small child and too expensive.

CraneBoysMysteries · 02/04/2023 21:25

SkaterBrained · 02/04/2023 20:43

Against the grain, but I think you sound more inflexible and harder work than they are.

They actually looked into a nanny to try and make it easier for you to attend, yet you have given a stroppy reply about how kids might as well not be invited unless it finishes at 5pm. There is a world of difference between accommodating kids and centring them.

You know there are actual solutions, like going alone, taking a GP, DH going back at 8pm or so for DC bedtime but your answers to these posters are aggressive and sarcastic. If you don't want to go, own it, but don't place all the blame on their plans when they appear to be trying to help you when you've asked about childcare.

Totally agree and am surprised by the responses

So your friends are having a wedding abroad. Have invited kids as they know lots of their friends and family have them... but that isn't good enough so they get pressured on what childcare they'll be providing...so they then arrange an Airbnb and get childcare sorted...but still you moan about how awful this is as of course you won't leave your baby...but don't want to take your baby?

God just stop and angst and don't go.

lv884 · 02/04/2023 21:55

bamboonights · 02/04/2023 21:12

There's no way I would leave my young baby with an unknown nanny. Anywhere.

I agree. I was asked if I was paying for childcare for my wedding (about an hour from where we and most of our guests live) by a parent guest. I was a bit surprised and caught off-guard as it wasn’t like I said “no kids allowed” but wanted their parents to travel abroad. We had a lot of kids including many young babies and it would have required several (expensive!) staff members for safe ratios. And I couldn’t imagine many of our guests wanting to leave their young babies with a stranger.

If we want to enjoy a wedding child-free, we know we have to arrange for family to babysit or it’ll be family kind of wedding for us - which are also lovely, just a different kind of day. If they're not invited, that’s totally understandable too but we have sometimes made the decision to not go if we have to travel abroad or the kids were too young to be left all day eg when breastfeeding. It’s one of those things when you become a parent.

Original poster

Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 22:24

SkaterBrained · 02/04/2023 20:43

Against the grain, but I think you sound more inflexible and harder work than they are.

They actually looked into a nanny to try and make it easier for you to attend, yet you have given a stroppy reply about how kids might as well not be invited unless it finishes at 5pm. There is a world of difference between accommodating kids and centring them.

You know there are actual solutions, like going alone, taking a GP, DH going back at 8pm or so for DC bedtime but your answers to these posters are aggressive and sarcastic. If you don't want to go, own it, but don't place all the blame on their plans when they appear to be trying to help you when you've asked about childcare.

Aggressive and sarcastic? Are we on the same thread?

well, maybe sarcastic 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 22:30

my issue is the reaction they’ll have if people don’t attend. As pp said, anyone above 15 sulking/being upset/pass agg/ silent treatment if someone doesn’t attend a party/leaves earlier than they want, is not ok.

I didn’t necessarily expect them to do what the friends of a pp did, who had a kids area, entertainer, cushions and toys etc - but if most of your guests have children, none of them live in the country where you’re having the wedding, and you want them to attend - making it possible for parents to go without their kids being uncomfortable surely = more of your guests will come?

and they didn’t even consider how guests would leave the middle of nowhere venue - nevermind with children in tow

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 22:32

bamboonights · 02/04/2023 21:12

There's no way I would leave my young baby with an unknown nanny. Anywhere.

This.

OP posts:

Kranke · 02/04/2023 22:34

It sounds like it won’t work for you. It’s not an issue, my friends had a wedding abroad and we had a 6m old and they couldn’t accommodate children. They were fine about us declining, and we were fine about not going. If my friends were funny about it, I’d question if they were really my good friends.

IfIHadAHeart · 02/04/2023 22:38

Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 22:32

This.

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Why did you ask then about childcare then?

JenniferBarkley · 02/04/2023 22:51

YANBU not to go (I wouldn't fancy it with a baby either) but they haven't done anything wrong here - they've invited your baby. Lots of weddings have kids up late.

WitheredandOld · 02/04/2023 23:04

Why did you ask/make them provide childcare when you have no intention of using it AND they’ve invited your child? Why must you leave at 5pm?

I wouldn’t go either but I would have sent a regretful decline and a lovely present rather than putting them through the wringer first. You sound like a pain in the arse.

Vodkaislethal · 02/04/2023 23:10

For a close friends wedding with kids Invited of course I’d go. I’d make a fun weekend or whatever of it, take my child to the wedding and have fun. But I was always and still of the mindset children are portable.

Vodkaislethal · 02/04/2023 23:12

Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 22:30

my issue is the reaction they’ll have if people don’t attend. As pp said, anyone above 15 sulking/being upset/pass agg/ silent treatment if someone doesn’t attend a party/leaves earlier than they want, is not ok.

I didn’t necessarily expect them to do what the friends of a pp did, who had a kids area, entertainer, cushions and toys etc - but if most of your guests have children, none of them live in the country where you’re having the wedding, and you want them to attend - making it possible for parents to go without their kids being uncomfortable surely = more of your guests will come?

and they didn’t even consider how guests would leave the middle of nowhere venue - nevermind with children in tow

Blimey, if this is how you talk about good friends, how do you talk about folks you don’t like. Bloody hell. Just decline. Sorry you didn’t get offered nanny and entertainer in a high end hotel.

JimmyDurham · 02/04/2023 23:24

Don't go. the older I get the more certain I am that weddings are a total waste of effort and all invitations should be refused.

Original poster

Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 23:29

lv884 · 02/04/2023 21:55

I agree. I was asked if I was paying for childcare for my wedding (about an hour from where we and most of our guests live) by a parent guest. I was a bit surprised and caught off-guard as it wasn’t like I said “no kids allowed” but wanted their parents to travel abroad. We had a lot of kids including many young babies and it would have required several (expensive!) staff members for safe ratios. And I couldn’t imagine many of our guests wanting to leave their young babies with a stranger.

If we want to enjoy a wedding child-free, we know we have to arrange for family to babysit or it’ll be family kind of wedding for us - which are also lovely, just a different kind of day. If they're not invited, that’s totally understandable too but we have sometimes made the decision to not go if we have to travel abroad or the kids were too young to be left all day eg when breastfeeding. It’s one of those things when you become a parent.

Show quote history

An hour from where most guests live is a very reasonable location

in response to pp who asked what did I do for my wedding - I’m not married but I would have had the ceremony in a location accessible to most guests

OP posts:

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 02/04/2023 23:32

Just don’t.

TrainersAltonTowersWontKill · 02/04/2023 23:33

You're a fucking nightmare OP. They invited your kid, you've decided that's unreasonable and that all children must disappear at 5pm despite that being the only time ALL children are active 🤷🏽‍♀️🤣.

Just decline. They only get annoyed and go quiet cause you're all pass agg about it

Vodkaislethal · 02/04/2023 23:36

Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 23:29

An hour from where most guests live is a very reasonable location

in response to pp who asked what did I do for my wedding - I’m not married but I would have had the ceremony in a location accessible to most guests

Show quote history

But it is accessible?