AIBU to not go to my friends’ wedding?

[Orangepolentacake]

My friends are having a destination wedding in an European country where one of their parents has a house. The house is practically in the middle of nowhere. Nearest airport is about 2 hours away, plus an hour’s drive or a bus that comes who knows when.

Most guests have young/babies/toddlers children, and so do our friends. One of them has family (same, young children) coming from far away/not in the UK.
They didn’t include childcare
considerations in their wedding plans - after I asked if they had considered some form of cheche at the venue, they looked confused, scrambled and said they’ll arrange some local nanny to look after all the children in the air bnb where some of the family guests are staying.

I don’t really want to go. It’s a hassle to get there, I don’t have anyone to leave my baby with (DS has never been left with anyone - always with us) and am not up for leaving him with some rando he’s never met, away in an air bnb in the middle of nowhere away from the venue. My friends will be very disappointed, they’re kind of unforgiving when it comes to social plans (not going to one of their parties tends to result in some form of sulking/silent treatment) and, whilst we are close friends, I just don’t really want to go. AIBU?

If they choose to have a destination wedding they are accepting that many of the invitees can’t/don’t want to go. That’s the rule.

Did you really get them to organise a nanny when you’ve no intention of going and can’t afford it?

Guarantee most go. It’s the opposite

You obviously don’t want to go, so don’t go 🤷‍♀️

My wedding was sort of a destination wedding I suppose, it was near my hometown but my DH’s family and friends came from the US and a bunch of my friends came from all over Europe, with or without kids. We arranged a bus shuttle to and from the major city where the airport was, going every couple of hours. We also arranged accommodation for everyone with kids at the venue (paid for it too) and everyone was happy to look after their own kids, some left their kids at home with grandparents but most brought them, one friend brought her mum over to help her with childcare so we booked her a room too. Everyone had a great time, the earliest people started leaving even with small kids was around 8pm, certainly not 5. My niece was a few months old back then, BIL went to the room with her and my sister returned to party some more.

I knew I needed to make some arrangements and pay for it to make it easier for people if I wanted as many as possible to attend. Some couldn’t make it and I understood that.
I’ve been to quite a few destination weddings before and in most cases it was similar arrangements - no childcare, but shuttle arranged and/or accommodation for the night.

I didn’t get them to do anything, I just asked a question.

I've declined every destination wedding invite I've received. The expectation on guests are always preposterous.

the shuttle in your case is what makes it possible.

I mean, why not have the honeymoon in the destination?

It’s fine not to go if you don’t want to. However, you’re being very precious over the child issue. It’s perfectly do-able to take a toddler/ baby to a wedding and stay until late. They don’t need any special facilities, just take a buggy for them. Give them a push around outside or a ride in the car for a nap. Both of you can’t drink if you’re in charge of a small child anyway

Entirely your choice to go or not, but the lack of childcare considerations is because they expected all these children to be at the wedding.

It's perfectly normal IME for young children to stay up late at the party for a wedding. Especially if lots of children are there.

But it sounds like you don't like these "friends" much anyway.

You really.need to tell them early that there's no need to arrange the nanny. I'm sure the other guests will be expecting to take DC to the wedding.

I wouldn’t go. My mum booked a destination wedding that was well outside my budget (maternity leave at the time) and wasn’t child friendly so I didn’t go. It was also slap bang in the middle of term time, so my teacher sister also declined the invitation. These type of weddings seldom suit every single guest so couples needs to be realistic about the fact that not everyone is likely to attend.

The nanny isn’t specifically for my baby

wow though - your mum

You asked for the crèche though, so if you’re not going I think it would be polite to tell them asap so they don’t book a nanny to accommodate you?

You're saying the creche isn't specifically for your baby but you're the one who asked for childcare...and then said you wouldn't leave your child with a stranger. But this had been pointed out to you many times in many replies but you've chosen to ignite this important point.
Have you told them they can stop wasting their time looking for a nanny and get back to organising their special day? Have you told them you'll probably not attend so they don't waste money on places and meals for you and DH. Or have you told them you might attend alone, so they can save money on your DH's place and meal? Maybe use those spaces to invite someone they've so far not been able to fit in dye to space and finances?

But if you really wanted to go to the wedding, what would be your ideal scenario? What provisions would you want your hosts to provide and pay for that would make it acceptable? You've already mentioned a creche and maybe shuttle bus...what else?

I'm amazed at the idea that young children would need "entertainment" laid on to keep them happy at social occasions. Surely the parents are capable of keeping them happy? Do you never socialise with your DC in tow, OP?

For me, it seems totally normal for young children to attend occasions like weddings. I know that some people prefer child free occasions, but it's a bit sad when people are so against the idea of taking their kids with them for an evening!!

The children are invited, they can stay with parents.

This. I do not think the friends are unreasonable. Though if you do not like the sound of it, do not go.

Decline and if they get in a mood so be it. They have the right to have the wedding they want and you have the right to decline if it doesn't suit you. I wouldn't even offer a reason for declining. I'd just respond that you can't make it but wish the couple all the best and look forward to seeing them once they are back in the UK.

It's not necessarily them being unkind or thoughtless, they just want the wedding they want.

I've been to two destination weddings with a baby; one child-free and one (allegedly) child-friendly, and they were both by far the most stressful weddings I've ever been to!

Sounds like you've now decided not to go, but if the bride and groom haven't thought plans through yet, for the sake of other guests, as well as their own enjoyment, they should either organise decent childcare that parents and children will be comfortable with, or make the wedding properly child-friendly.

Here's what could happen otherwise!

Child-free wedding. Bride and groom hired an entire boutique hotel for a few days. Other days were family-friendly, but they (understandably) wanted the ceremony and meal/speeches to be child-free. The hotel organised "professional nannies", who were meant to set up in one of the largest suites for the day. Turned out to be two women of a certain age who didn't speak a word of English (despite the entire wedding party coming from the UK/US), didn't bring any activities, and seemed to think their remit extended as far as knitting in the corner and making sure no kids left the room. The suite didn't materialise either, was a cramped, stifling room for ~10 kids aged 4 months to 8 yrs. Some parents took one look and didn't even attempt to leave their kids for the ceremony. We managed a couple of hours, as it was his main nap time, he was a great sleeper, and we'd written down and mimed his sleep times. When we checked on him though, he looked jet-lagged and blatantly hadn't been put down in a quiet corner for a sleep at all, and the remaining parents also removed their children at that point. Throughout the entire reception parents were therefore tag-teaming it to sit in their bedroom with the kids, missing either food or speeches. Thick walls also meant baby monitors didn't work, so that wasn't an option.

Child-friendly wedding. We could have asked a family member to babysit for this one, but the couple, who already had school-age kids, kept going on about how child-friendly it was and how we should bring him, so we did... All the school-age kids had a great time with the entertainer etc, but it was a total nightmare for a 1-year-old. Down a narrow spiral staircase so we couldn't bring the buggy in, no high chairs, no baby-friendly food, no changing facilities, nowhere to get away from the very noisy entertainer/disco, no outdoor space. We had to take turns jiggling him on our knees for hours.

Spent the following 24hrs of the holiday recovering in both cases!

I had a destination wedding. When we invited people I didn’t expect that they would come. Kids were invited and the ceremony and reception was walking distance to the accommodation.
From what you described I wouldn’t go, it won’t be fun.

You asked a question about a service you have no intention of using. Your updates make you sound even worse. Decline today for gods sake.

I look for any excuse to decline a wedding these days but I don't think they have been that unfair. I wouldn't be drinking as sole charge of the kids anyway so I'd just take the pram, if the baby crashes in the pram in the corner of the room great, if not call it quits and head back to airbnb just as the reception is getting going. I've had the kids to weddings a few times and in all honesty had to bail early most times, once because DS spiked a temp as the wedding was starting and became quite poorly throughout the meal. The other was the most kid friendly wedding I've ever been to, magicians, sweetie bar, ice cream truck, photo booth, llamas, games etc etc but ds was being taken to the ice cream truck by multiple aunties who didn't communicate with me or each other that he had ice cream and his stomach did not cope with the ice cream volume so had to be whisked home pronto!

I have zero problem with people having destination wedding or child free wedding. Their wedding, they should do exactly what they want.

I have huge problems with people getting pissy because not all guests want to go to a destination wedding or child free wedding. If people politely decline and wish them well for the big day, why can’t bride/groom accept that with good grace rather than a tanty?

Go and make it a family holiday to remember.
If you can afford to.
Attend the wedding and reception but only until you want to leave for family reasons.
For the remainder of the trip enjoy it with your child and do only things you can cope with. I imagine that, with other kids and parents, it could be fun.