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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to my friends’ wedding?

118 replies

Orangepolentacake · 01/04/2023 23:04

My friends are having a destination wedding in an European country where one of their parents has a house. The house is practically in the middle of nowhere. Nearest airport is about 2 hours away, plus an hour’s drive or a bus that comes who knows when.

Most guests have young/babies/toddlers children, and so do our friends. One of them has family (same, young children) coming from far away/not in the UK.
They didn’t include childcare
considerations in their wedding plans - after I asked if they had considered some form of cheche at the venue, they looked confused, scrambled and said they’ll arrange some local nanny to look after all the children in the air bnb where some of the family guests are staying.

I don’t really want to go. It’s a hassle to get there, I don’t have anyone to leave my baby with (DS has never been left with anyone - always with us) and am not up for leaving him with some rando he’s never met, away in an air bnb in the middle of nowhere away from the venue. My friends will be very disappointed, they’re kind of unforgiving when it comes to social plans (not going to one of their parties tends to result in some form of sulking/silent treatment) and, whilst we are close friends, I just don’t really want to go. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 00:41

Dontbelieveaword · 01/04/2023 23:40

I can't stand people who organise destination weddings, or want vast crowds of family and friends to celebrate birthdays etc on long weekends or longer breaks abroad. They never take into consideration other people's circumstances, finances, availability, precious annual leave and get incredibly offended if you turn the invitation down or they start emotionally blackmailing you into feeling guilty - 'oh, but it's my birthday/wedding/henpl party and I'd be absolutely distraught if you didnt spend a couple of grand to spend a week in Santorini with me. Oh and dont forget the party I'm having the weekend we get home. Oh and the small intimate meal I'm having for 50 of my closest friends in that gorgeous michelin star restaurant...oh and heres the link to my gift list'.
If I can only afford one holiday a year, I don't want to be dictated where I'm going, when and who with, leaving me with no leave or money left to have my own well earned break.
I understand this is not everyone's attitude and a lot of people love to spend all their holidays with large group of family and friends, it's just not for me, as you can tell by my little rant😳

😂 thank you!

OP posts:
Tryphenia · 02/04/2023 09:55

If you don’t want to go, then don’t. Some friends of ours got married in Italy when we had a toddler, and lots of their friends with children flew in from the US, UK, Europe, the ME with babies and young children. Most of us stayed in hotels in the nearest city, the bride and groom organised a coach about an hour’s journey to a hill village where the wedding took place in the church and the reception in a small vineyard nearby. I think there were several coaches departing at different times for the return.

I’ll be honest, the entire time was most of us tag-teaming wrangling the children, and the ceremony sounded like an overwrought soft play with all the wailing, but the b and g had made an effort (a side room with cushions and blankets for the children to sleep in at the reception, children’s entertainers, a nice children’s menu, though the vineyard had in fenced cliffs and was a bit of a safety nightmare — after they had their children, they said they would have done it all differently!), and I’m glad we went, even though our toddler didn’t close an eye and was eating wedding cake and dancing with the priest at midnight…

Tryphenia · 02/04/2023 09:55

Unfenced cliffs

Original poster
Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 11:03

Tryphenia · 02/04/2023 09:55

If you don’t want to go, then don’t. Some friends of ours got married in Italy when we had a toddler, and lots of their friends with children flew in from the US, UK, Europe, the ME with babies and young children. Most of us stayed in hotels in the nearest city, the bride and groom organised a coach about an hour’s journey to a hill village where the wedding took place in the church and the reception in a small vineyard nearby. I think there were several coaches departing at different times for the return.

I’ll be honest, the entire time was most of us tag-teaming wrangling the children, and the ceremony sounded like an overwrought soft play with all the wailing, but the b and g had made an effort (a side room with cushions and blankets for the children to sleep in at the reception, children’s entertainers, a nice children’s menu, though the vineyard had in fenced cliffs and was a bit of a safety nightmare — after they had their children, they said they would have done it all differently!), and I’m glad we went, even though our toddler didn’t close an eye and was eating wedding cake and dancing with the priest at midnight…

That’s it - your friends made it possible for children and their parents to attend their wedding by also not making it into a nightmare ‘day out’ with the kids with no entertainment or containment. Your friends’ location sounds similar to my friends’, except they didn’t put these things in place!

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/04/2023 11:23

Why would the wedding need to end at 5pm?

Kids are invited, you don't need a creche or a nanny. We've always taken our kids to weddings, they stay up late or crash at some point in a pushchair or on some chairs

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/04/2023 11:31

Why are you assuming the wedding finishes at 5pm?

CanOfGerms · 02/04/2023 11:39

I’ve taken my children to many weddings and we always just keep them up til they sleep, then pop them somewhere (pram, sofa, all back to hotel, whichever works) whatever age. I think you’re creating unnecessary drama.

Original poster
Orangepolentacake · 02/04/2023 17:53

again - We would need to drive back to where we’re staying and my son won’t sleep in his pram if we’re in a loud, stimulating place like a wedding.

anyway, I’ve concluded that what is best is not to attend as I can’t justify the cost and hassle to me and the discomfort to my son for something I’m highly unlikely to enjoy 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 17:58

YANBU, if you have children at your wedding you either let them stay with the parents or you organise babysitters at the venue.

CremeEggQueen · 02/04/2023 18:06

RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 17:58

YANBU, if you have children at your wedding you either let them stay with the parents or you organise babysitters at the venue.

They are inviting kids and letting them stay with the parents though

RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 18:18

Oh I see. I thought the kids were banished to the Airbnb.

Well in that case it's really up to the OP whether she wants to go and it sounds like she doesn't.

RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 18:22

And to answer the OP, you can refuse a wedding invitation for any reason you like. The fact that it's a destination wedding is a good enough reason on its own. I say that as someone who sort of had a destination wedding, in the sense that I got married in the country where I live and where my husband is from, but all my family and friends had to travel abroad for it. One of my friends said she just couldn't make it work logistically or financially and that was fine. Anyone who gives you a hard time for not travelling abroad for their wedding is a knob.

Lcb123 · 02/04/2023 18:26

Just go on your own and have fun. Why should they arrange childcare?

ToWhitToWhoo · 02/04/2023 18:31

People over 15 who sulk when a friend can't come to a party are not good friends IMO! It would be bad enough if it was just about the wedding, but it seems that they're like that about everything.

RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 18:33

Lcb123 · 02/04/2023 18:26

Just go on your own and have fun. Why should they arrange childcare?

Because they've invited a bunch of friends who have children to a destination wedding?

lv884 · 02/04/2023 18:35

Don’t go. We’ve declined for the same reason, although they aren’t close friends. We did contemplate going but when we checked the price of travel and accommodation, we decided against spending the cost of a summer holiday - especially when they are becoming more of a luxury - to travel across Europe on several forms of transport with understandably grumpy little ones and all their gear like buggies for a wedding. It’s in a destination where we can’t really make a holiday out of too.

When people book these holidays, they have to do so knowing guests may very well decline, especially if it’s also child-free. It’s not reasonable to expect parents of little ones to travel without them, in my opinion.

However, I disagree with posters that couples should organise childcare if children are invited. It’s nice if they do and can afford to.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/04/2023 18:58

I am likely to be invited to a wedding abroad I will be declining, cost, finding somewhere to stay, finding my way to the to venue, not speaking the language, plus it’s at the busiest time at work

you choose to get married abroad you have to accept not everyone will make it

Redglitter · 02/04/2023 19:02

If someone arranges a destination wedding they must know a lot of guests won't manage to attend. That's a choice they make. I think you have plenty valid reasons for not going. If they don't like it tough

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/04/2023 19:05

If you don't want to go, don't go. But I don't understand why you asked about childcare when you don't want to use it?

I also don't understand why you can't leave the baby with your DP/DH and go on your own

Avarua2 · 02/04/2023 19:10

Go on your own with DH looking after the baby for the evening at the Airbnb. Easy. Or take a grandparent to look after the baby at the Airbnb and have a family holiday around it. Also easy.

As always if you want something enough you find ways to make it happen.

Avarua2 · 02/04/2023 19:12

It would be the same if it was a venue in England. You'd still need to find childcare for the baby. DH can step up.

RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 19:15

That doesn't sound like much fun for the OP, @Avarua2. Not to mention her husband. Do you think he wants to spend the cost of a summer holiday to travel abroad and babysit? I doubt it.

If you're going to have a destination wedding it makes sense to do things like hire a babysitter to make it more appealing for your friends to attend.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/04/2023 19:17

YANBU not to go, of course. It is never mandatory to attend a wedding, and even less so when it is overseas.

I don't really understand why you would have expected the couple to have organised a creche if children were invited. I'd have been confused in that situation too. We'd have taken dd with us rather than leaving her with a stranger in a foreign country!!

BluetheBear · 02/04/2023 19:21

OP I think it's absolutely fine to not go if you don't want to or it's too much hassle!

Hosum · 02/04/2023 19:33

Only thing I'd consider - where was yours? How much effort did people make? Did you consider children fully in your planning before you had them?

We were one of the earliest of our friends to get married (age wise) - for the vast majority of our guests it was a different thought process to 10-12 years later when they got married and still didn't have children but some of us had along the way.

If they are good friends and you love them - one of you should go - those other stay behind with the children. If you don't love them - then nothing lost by saying no. But not being part of your closest friends weddings is a big thing.